Jesse Stone: By the Numbers

Tonight I did you a service. I watched a Tom Selleck made-for-TV movie, and now I am going to tell you all about it. Because I know you missed it.

The movie was called Jesse Stone: Night Passage, and if I was writing a show description for the on-screen cable guide it'd probably go something like this:

"Jesse Stone is a veteran L.A. cop with an alcohol problem, an ex-wife that he can't forget, and a dog that refuses to eat. Looking for a fresh start as the Police Chief of the sleepy New England town of Paradise, Massachusetts, Jesse soon discovers that trouble can find you anywhere -- even in Paradise!"
That's so corny it almost makes me proud. Although it's probably too long for the EPG. The actual description was:

"A lawman becomes the new police chief of a small town."

Well, neither of those descriptions can properly illustrate how macho and excellent this TV movie was. I am hoping they make it into a series, and I hereby predict (#84) that they will. The story is simple and painfully predictable, the script is jam-packed with cringeworthy dialogue, the bad guys are all ugly while the good guys all look like J. Crew models. If there was a character who wasn't a walking cliché, I didn't see 'em. Still, the production values are excellent, the simplicity of the story is a nice little break for the old brain, and Selleck helms the beast with dignity and gravitas. A good time is had by all. But this review does not say nearly enough.

Here then is my numerical guide to Jesse Stone: Night Passage (spoilers included):

0: The amount of crap that Tom Selleck, as Chief Jesse Stone, puts up with in this two hour movie
at least 3: Number of female characters who want Chief Jesse Stone to bang them
at least 1: Number of female characters who Chief Jesse Stone bangs
28: age difference, in years, between Tom Selleck and the actress whose character he bangs
at least 2: number of times Chief Jesse Stone references parts of the male genitalia in the movie*
1: Baldwin Brothers who get kicked in the nutz by Chief Jesse Stone
1: Bad guys who drive Camaros
1: Number of dogs euthanized in this movie
1: Number of times the character played by Bobby Flay's wife tells Chief Jesse Stone that she's not wearing any underwear, and asks him "if that's something that might be of interest" to him
4: number of times I thought to myself, "This would be cooler if it was the story of a haggard, world-weary Magnum, P.I. twenty years down the line, instead of some other beefily-moustachioed character..."
1: number of complete episodes of Magnum, P.I. I have watched in my lifetime (the one where he plays basketball against T.C. or whatever his chopper pilot buddy's name is).
23,456: number of additional facial hairs that Chief Jesse Stone has compared to Magnum, P.I. (he has added a tasteful little goatee thing).
at least 4: number of times that it's made clear that Chief Jesse Stone drinks Scotch. Not Beer. Not Wine. Scotch.
at least 1, probably 2 or more: number of times Chief Jesse Stone flat-out tells someone how tough he is.
1: Number of wayward teenage girls Chief Jesse Stone tries to steer away from drugs.
1.5: Number of times that the old "Bad guy's about to shoot the good guy, and you hear a shot, and you (are supposed to) assume the good guy just got shot...but wait -- someone standing behind the bad guy has shot him instead!" device got pulled out.
10: Loads of laundry completed while watching Jesse Stone: Night Passage

Happy MLK day all. Please enjoy the 2 new predictions on the predictions page.

* For ten genius points each, tell me the exact words Selleck used when describing each of these man-parts (e.g. "cock" and "potatoes")