Celebrity Roundup

I read me some Us Weekly from time to time (time to time = weekly). And because of that I am somewhat of an expert on pop culture in general and in particular on Charlie Sheen's continuing efforts to be a better man. So let's put that expertise to work. You may not agree with the following statements, but in honor of Chris Daughtry's refusal to compromise, I'ma say 'em anyway. If you don't like it, you can read about a young man losing control of his bodily functions in the most recent installment of Trayline. That'll make ya feel better. In the meantime:

1. You know what needs to stop? Rich people playing poker. The whole point of gambling is that you're putting yourself at risk, you have something on the line. Your life sucks and you're taking what little you have and plopping it down under the unrealistic romantic hope that you'll turn it into something bigger and better and get those hoods off your back and get out of this stinkin' town and make a new life for you and your lady once and forever. Or at least: man if I win thirty bucks tonight I can go buy myself some cool thirty dollar shit. When a multi-millionaire like Ben Affleck goes to Vegas and blows eight grand in a night, what the fuck is that? He doesn't care. He basically wagered nothing. And frankly poker is not a good enough game to stand on its own without the element of financial risk. That's why nobody plays poker without money being involved. Except douchewads like Ben Affleck.

2. I was thinking about the whole South Park/Scientology showdown, not so much the Isaac Hayes part but the Tom Cruise part. At first I was all: Go South Park fans! Stop this insane censorship effort by weirdo Tom and his weirdo cult and stand up for freedom of speech! Then I thought about it, and I put myself in Tom Cruise's shoes:
-I am a freak
-South Park ran an episode that could be described as a pretty vicious personal attack on me. In this episode, they made allegations about my sexuality, a subject which has always been incredibly private to me. Joke or not, I found this deeply hurtful.
-I am now doing a movie for the same Corporate Monster that airs South Park
-I am a huge fucking movie star and my tireless promotion of every project I appear in is part of what makes me so bankable
-The Corporate Monster wants to air the hurtful show again

Well, wouldn't I consider pulling out of the promotion blitz to stop them from re-airing the hurtful show? Fuck yes I would. Whether Crazy Tom actually pulled this move or not, I wouldn't blame him if he did. He's sticking up for himself using the tools that are available to him. As for Comedy Central caving, it doesn't surprise me. Companies have bottom lines. When you own a thousand different media outlets, you're occasionally going to come across conflicts of interest like this one. If the show hadn't already aired, I'd consider it a way bigger deal.

Plus, shouldn't the fans start by boycotting Comedy Central, not Mission Impossible III? If there is a villain here it's CC more than it is Cruise.

Plus I have never found South Park all that funny. Their humor is about as subtle as Tom Cruise's acting.

Sorry.

I'm still with ya if ya hate Scientology and think Tom Cruise is one loony mcnugget.

3) Let's talk Federline for a moment. You know you want to. Like a lot of people, I have become fascinated with K-Fed as a public figure. As much as I salute him for taking his no-talent, crappy-attitude, pretty-much-useless ass to the bank by seducing young, dumb Mrs. Spears, I also find myself sharing the public's distaste for him for those very same reasons.

We're all, Kevin, you ruined Britney! She had it all until she met you! Bastard! Look at her now! FUPA all hangin' out, walking barefoot in Texaco bathrooms, driving her ugly baby around town without a carseat. How could you do this to her?

Then I thought about it, and I realized Britney deserves 97% of the blame for whatever problems they're having. Here's why:

Britney fell in love with Kevin because he was a drinkin', smokin', stay out all night, low-ridin'- pants-wearin' doofus who gave off a devil-may-care attitude with some degree of success. For lack of a better term, he was a bad boy. The fact that he had two kids with another woman just made him more appealing to young dumb Britney.

Now they've been married for awhile, and K-Fed is a drinkin', smokin', stay out all night, low-ridin'-pants-wearin' doofus who gives off a devil-may-care attitude with some degree of success. He hasn't changed a bit. So it must be sort of tough for him to be constantly blamed for being such a bastard, when he's just being true to himself.

Britney's the one who's changed. Just look at her. K-Fed is probably all, damn, I started dating you when you were a huge superstar, a hot little sexpot dancing around with snakes and making out with Madonna. Now you just sit around all day eating Doritos and watching Judge Mathis and you can't sell any records to save your life. Get it together, Brit, or I'm gone. Don't think I won't leave you with a little baby to take care of, either.

Hulkster says: Blame goes to Britney.

***

Thank you for your Morrison Moustache entries: Here they are in chronological order:
-Upperlip Skid-mark
-Shitlip
-Sharpie Sanchez
-The Sweaty Soup Strainer

We like 'em all, so we'll give each of you four points for your efforts. Now tell me, for eight points, whodat?