from me to you, free of charge
When you're a kid, surrounded by mean-spirited other kids and scary adults who are constantly bossing you around, one of the hardest things to say is "I don't know." Ridicule, punishment, humiliation, shame, and infamy are what await you if you have the misfortune of admitting "I don't know" to the wrong person at the wrong time.
These fears of being mocked or flunked or punched in the face for admitting what is really only the honest truth -- you don't know something -- are what turn most of us into such magnificent bullshitters by the time we're 15.
As you go through life, in your struggles to discover the real you and to answer life's big mysteries and to maybe, slowly, become a better person and all that crap, you might reach a point where you triumph over some of your adolescent insecurities and you decide to put an end to the bullshitting once and for all.
From now on, you tell yourself, when I don't know something, I'm just going to own right up to it. People will respect my honesty and my self-confidence, and they will look to me as a no-bullshit straight shooter. This isn't 8th grade anymore.
Then the opportunity arises. Your boss asks you "Did we ever finalize the paperwork on the Gnazzo Account for 3Q 2005?"
"Actually, boss," you'll say with confidence, knowing the truth is on your side, "I don't know."
And your boss will look at you like you're an asshole. And he'll say something sarcastic. And your co-workers will have a laugh at your expense. And from that moment on, you will remind yourself to bullshit enthusiastically at every chance.
And the more bullshit that gets spread through all of our lives, the less all of our words matter.
That is why when we can find something true, something that comes from a place of integrity and honesty and old-fashioned knowledge, it means so much.
It is in that spirit that I offer you today's piece of free advice. I don't go throwing advice around just to make myself feel like a big shot. I pass it along because it's a lesson that this mean world taught me the hard way, and I don't want to see you walk down the same twisting road that I did.
So here goes.
If you are starting a new job, it is definitely in your best interest to show up for work your first day with a moustache. Thick, unapologetic, and take-charge. In-your-face. A what-the-fuck-are-you-looking-at, mayIhelpyouplease moustache.
Then, about a week later, shave it off.
Here's why.
When you show up that first day, people won't know what to make of you. Is that a moustache of peace or hostility? Are moustaches coming back into style? Is this guy safe to be around? I hope I don't piss him off. This confusion is good. Let them all wonder. Meanwhile, you just became the talk of the office. The boss wants to have drinks after work on Tuesday. Tell him you'll let him know.
Second, even after the moustache is gone, everyone will think of you as a Man with a Moustache and they will treat you with the respect that title commands. In fact, the moustache's absence will only make you more powerful, because they know you could grow it back at any time and that's the last thing they want.
If you're a single guy and you're looking to cozy up with some of your new office-mates, the moustache will do all your work for you. For one thing, all women love moustaches. That's just a simple fact. Moustaches are a symbol of all that is masculine and powerful and most women are helpless when faced with one in the wild.
Again, even after you remove the moustache itself, its power will linger on. Women will be waiting for its return. There will be an office pool about it.
And you'll hold it back just as long as you feel like it before growing it again. And when you do, when those first upper-lip hairs start looking like more than a two-days-forgetting-to-shave situation, there will be full-on pandemonium in your office as all the chicks gear up for the sequel. It will be so out of control that somebody will have to fly in from corporate to try to talk you out of it. Of course, once they see it they'll give in to it too. You'll walk them down to their Towncar and send them back to the airport with a passionate high-five. Nobody loses. And you win.
Sorry about this post's longness and shittiness. I'm in a bit of a slump. For more evidence of this, please check out our first softball recap of '06.
And for ten GP's, tell me what I consider the absolute stupidest fashion item of the 1980's.
Nobody got the last challenge. The answers:
"Hungry Heart" - The Ramones
"Cover Me" - Donna Summer
And the unwritable word cannot be written. BJL was closest.
These fears of being mocked or flunked or punched in the face for admitting what is really only the honest truth -- you don't know something -- are what turn most of us into such magnificent bullshitters by the time we're 15.
As you go through life, in your struggles to discover the real you and to answer life's big mysteries and to maybe, slowly, become a better person and all that crap, you might reach a point where you triumph over some of your adolescent insecurities and you decide to put an end to the bullshitting once and for all.
From now on, you tell yourself, when I don't know something, I'm just going to own right up to it. People will respect my honesty and my self-confidence, and they will look to me as a no-bullshit straight shooter. This isn't 8th grade anymore.
Then the opportunity arises. Your boss asks you "Did we ever finalize the paperwork on the Gnazzo Account for 3Q 2005?"
"Actually, boss," you'll say with confidence, knowing the truth is on your side, "I don't know."
And your boss will look at you like you're an asshole. And he'll say something sarcastic. And your co-workers will have a laugh at your expense. And from that moment on, you will remind yourself to bullshit enthusiastically at every chance.
And the more bullshit that gets spread through all of our lives, the less all of our words matter.
That is why when we can find something true, something that comes from a place of integrity and honesty and old-fashioned knowledge, it means so much.
It is in that spirit that I offer you today's piece of free advice. I don't go throwing advice around just to make myself feel like a big shot. I pass it along because it's a lesson that this mean world taught me the hard way, and I don't want to see you walk down the same twisting road that I did.
So here goes.
If you are starting a new job, it is definitely in your best interest to show up for work your first day with a moustache. Thick, unapologetic, and take-charge. In-your-face. A what-the-fuck-are-you-looking-at, mayIhelpyouplease moustache.
Then, about a week later, shave it off.
Here's why.
When you show up that first day, people won't know what to make of you. Is that a moustache of peace or hostility? Are moustaches coming back into style? Is this guy safe to be around? I hope I don't piss him off. This confusion is good. Let them all wonder. Meanwhile, you just became the talk of the office. The boss wants to have drinks after work on Tuesday. Tell him you'll let him know.
Second, even after the moustache is gone, everyone will think of you as a Man with a Moustache and they will treat you with the respect that title commands. In fact, the moustache's absence will only make you more powerful, because they know you could grow it back at any time and that's the last thing they want.
If you're a single guy and you're looking to cozy up with some of your new office-mates, the moustache will do all your work for you. For one thing, all women love moustaches. That's just a simple fact. Moustaches are a symbol of all that is masculine and powerful and most women are helpless when faced with one in the wild.
Again, even after you remove the moustache itself, its power will linger on. Women will be waiting for its return. There will be an office pool about it.
And you'll hold it back just as long as you feel like it before growing it again. And when you do, when those first upper-lip hairs start looking like more than a two-days-forgetting-to-shave situation, there will be full-on pandemonium in your office as all the chicks gear up for the sequel. It will be so out of control that somebody will have to fly in from corporate to try to talk you out of it. Of course, once they see it they'll give in to it too. You'll walk them down to their Towncar and send them back to the airport with a passionate high-five. Nobody loses. And you win.
Sorry about this post's longness and shittiness. I'm in a bit of a slump. For more evidence of this, please check out our first softball recap of '06.
And for ten GP's, tell me what I consider the absolute stupidest fashion item of the 1980's.
Nobody got the last challenge. The answers:
"Hungry Heart" - The Ramones
"Cover Me" - Donna Summer
And the unwritable word cannot be written. BJL was closest.
posted by hans q. bungle at 01:25
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