The Game

No, not that game. But if you're playing it, I guess you just lost.

Howard Cosell was among the people (though somehow he's not on the list) for whom my father instilled in me an automatic distaste. Pop hated Cosell's self-aggrandizing ways, such as when he'd tell a story and be all, "I went to lunch with my good friend Roger Staubach yesterday, and he said to me, 'Howard, I think this season might be it for me.'" He especially hated that "Howard..." bullshit whenever Cosell was quoting somebody who he'd interviewed. Fair criticism, and Cosell was clearly a douchewad in many ways.

At the same time, he stood up for Ali when very few others did, and he seemed to be on the right side of most of the big issues in sport and society. And he was interesting. Interesting enough that my pops grudgingly gave me his autobiography, I Never Played the Game, for Christmas one year. Like Howard himself it was cranky, arrogant, and self-important. But it kept my attention.

I especially liked the title. It was perfect for Howard, a pun that incorporated at least two of his favorite themes:

1) You don't have to be an ex-jock to understand and comment on sports. He was always railing on the "jockocracy."
2) Howard never "played the game" -- meaning he never compromised what he believed in or caved to pressure from outside forces to say something he didn't mean. He told it like it was.

Whether that's true or just a bunch of Cosell horseshit, it got me thinking about how much, or how little, we all play the game. One time a colleague of mine, a guy I couldn't really stand, called me up because he had gotten into some trouble at work by opening his big fat mouth. I don't think he really liked me, either, but he wanted some advice on how to dig himself out of it.

"Hans," he said. "Tell me what to do. You always seem like you know how to play the office politics."

And I never thought about it that way. Certainly I haven't pushed myself ahead at the expense of others, nor have I gone out of my way to suck up for the sake of a possible promotion or raise. Nor have I climbed the corporate ladder with any great speed (to say the least).

But I guess I do try to be nice to people, and I try not to get in fights with other employees, especially my superiors. I don't steal or go into three day mood funks or stink up the bathroom. I don't get drunk at the holiday party and throw things at other employees (anymore). I don't fearfully hide unapproved invoices in my desk for months at a time (anymore). I don't play my radio out loud at my desk. I don't look at porn sites or jack it under my desk. I don't blow off requests from my boss or from anybody for that matter. I try to listen when other people want to vent. I try to help create a comfortable working atmosphere. I don't constantly bitch about the company or my lot in life. I don't lie to people to shake off my mistakes. I fess up when I fuck up. I basically try to mind my own business and create as little trouble as possible, and then I get to go home to the things I love. I guess that's "playing the game" to an extent but it's certainly not calculated. It's not like I sit around biting my tongue all day.

Hans Bungle plays the game. Do you play the game?

I have nowhere to go with this one. Let's pull the plug.

I still like this picture.

I was shaving the other day, and even though my beard is still patchy at best, it's now getting gray! I feel like goddam Dan Roundfield.

For eight points, who is getting kicked off American Idol tonight? Answers must be in before the show starts. For five more, tell me what obsolete candy bar most desperately needs to be brought back?