Five To Go

Lately I've been thinking that everything I've ever said, done, or thought is just completely wrong.

Hopefully I'm wrong about that too, but I doubt it.

5 days left on the job, and I'm wondering if there's anything I forgot to do in my 12 years there, and is there still time?

I've shown up for work drunk, so drunk that as soon as I got there I told the lady in charge, "I'm still pretty loaded from last night, so don't expect much from me today."

I got bossed around a little bit but I never really bossed anyone else around. Maybe Joe Monkeyweb a couple of times. But he needed it.

I fired somebody once and put somebody on probation a couple of times. That was no fun and I hope I never have to do it again. REMINDER: STAY LOW ON TOTEM POLE TO AVOID THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MANAGING, REVIEWING AND DISCIPLINING OTHERS

Yes I called a female employee a dogfucker once but I meant it with affection and I was just a 26 year-old shitbag without a clue. That's my excuse. She took it the wrong way.

I mopped some floors. I picked up some tapes here and there. But I never did clean that hallway.

I told the Mayor's wife that I was sorry she fell on the slippery studio floor, and that I'd be sure to talk to our studio manager Joe Monkeyweb about it when he got back from vacation.

I sent way more personal emails than business emails.

I snuck into the Price Waterhouse cafteteria for lunch a couple of times. It was OK.

I played on the corporate softball team a few times. Some dudes take it too seriously and ruin it for everyone else.

I worked hard and stayed late a bunch of times. I made the late run to FedEx a bunch of times, too.

I saw the president of the company shuffle pitifully from one stall to the next, pants down, looking for TP. I saw and heard all the change come out of his pockets as he did this, and I heard him curse God afterwards.

I watched humans and animals having improper relations on VHS at least once, in mixed company.

I did a bunch more stuff but I am tired so you'll have to take my word for it.

I don't harbor any real bitterness towards the place, but if I did, what would be a good thing to do this week?

I've started riding my bike again and I had forgotten how much fun that is. It's gonna be a good summer.

Here is a picture of Oscar Wilde:


For ten points, what modern-day famous person does he remind me of?

We had some good softball Sunday night and I should have a recap for you when you wake up Tuesday morning.