Duany Duany
Shortly after we returned home from apple picking (18 apples, details to come), the phone rang. It was Duane Reade's Customer Protection Department.
"Mr. Bungle, we believe there may have been some unauthorized activity on your Duane Reade Dollar Rewards card. Have you used it in the last 24 hours?" the voice on the line said.
Panicking, I reached into the back pocket of my Levi's 582's (extra tight in the rear, with one razor-thin acid-washed stripe runing down each seam and a hypercolor crotch region manufactured in partnership with Generra) and pulled out my wallet. As I fumbled through the numerous worthless business cards and health insuarance cards and maxed-out credit cards and the 8 1/2" x 11" Ogg Hall room diagram that I had managed to fold in half 9 times, breaking the all-time letter-sized paper-folding record of 7, my mind began to race.
You see, my Dollar Rewards card means everything to me. I present it hopefully to the cashier every time I shop at Duane Reade, and I actually received a successful discount on an item as recently as 2003. And now it was unaccounted for.
"No, I haven't...and it appears to be missing," I told the lady on the phone. "How bad is it?"
"Mr. Bungle, are you sitting down? If not, I suggest you take a seat. I find it usually helps in these situations."
"OK, I'm sitting now," I said. "Tell me the damage."
"Well, someone carrying your Dollar Rewards card presented it at the Duane Reade at 47th and 6th at 4:30pm yesterday. He purchased a package of Just For Men beard formula, a greeting card, and a 20 ounce bottle of Lipton Brisk iced tea. Your card got him a 19 cent discount on the iced tea."
It felt like a punch in the stomach. My world had been turned upside down. A stranger, running around town racking up discounts that were rightfully mine. I felt so vulnerable. But there was more.
"Then he went to the Times Square branch and bought three tubes of Planters Cheese Balls, a 10 pack of Gillette Sensor II razor blades, and a 12 pack of Duracell AA batteries," she said. "He presented your card and saved 59 cents on the cheese balls."
The bastard was stocking up, I realized. Testing the limits.
Plus, I had never received a 59 cent discount on any one item in the 7 years I've been carrying the DRDR card. This guy knew the game, he was a pro.
"He struck again later at the store on 13th street and 7th avenue," she continued. "He purchased 3 bottles of Duane Reade brand tussin, a 24 pack of Ramses extra thin lubricated condoms, and a Nestle Crunch bar."
Having a little party using my savings, I thought. I felt sick. What kind of an animal could do such a thing?
"He presented the Dollar Rewards card with his purchase, and when the cashier ran it through and determined that none of those items was eligible for a discount, he demanded that she swipe the card again," she said. "She swiped it again, and again it said no discount. At this point the man became agitated, repeatedly yelling at the cashier to swpe it again until she was forced to call for her manager. However, before the manager arrived the man had grabbed your card back and fled the scene."
"Anything else? Is that it?" I asked.
"Yes sir, that's it so far," she said. "We're gonna go ahead and cancel that card right now. You can get a new one at any Duane Reade store."
I am still reeling from all this. Violated to the core. I don't know if I will ever be able to save with confidence again.
"Mr. Bungle, we believe there may have been some unauthorized activity on your Duane Reade Dollar Rewards card. Have you used it in the last 24 hours?" the voice on the line said.
Panicking, I reached into the back pocket of my Levi's 582's (extra tight in the rear, with one razor-thin acid-washed stripe runing down each seam and a hypercolor crotch region manufactured in partnership with Generra) and pulled out my wallet. As I fumbled through the numerous worthless business cards and health insuarance cards and maxed-out credit cards and the 8 1/2" x 11" Ogg Hall room diagram that I had managed to fold in half 9 times, breaking the all-time letter-sized paper-folding record of 7, my mind began to race.
You see, my Dollar Rewards card means everything to me. I present it hopefully to the cashier every time I shop at Duane Reade, and I actually received a successful discount on an item as recently as 2003. And now it was unaccounted for.
"No, I haven't...and it appears to be missing," I told the lady on the phone. "How bad is it?"
"Mr. Bungle, are you sitting down? If not, I suggest you take a seat. I find it usually helps in these situations."
"OK, I'm sitting now," I said. "Tell me the damage."
"Well, someone carrying your Dollar Rewards card presented it at the Duane Reade at 47th and 6th at 4:30pm yesterday. He purchased a package of Just For Men beard formula, a greeting card, and a 20 ounce bottle of Lipton Brisk iced tea. Your card got him a 19 cent discount on the iced tea."
It felt like a punch in the stomach. My world had been turned upside down. A stranger, running around town racking up discounts that were rightfully mine. I felt so vulnerable. But there was more.
"Then he went to the Times Square branch and bought three tubes of Planters Cheese Balls, a 10 pack of Gillette Sensor II razor blades, and a 12 pack of Duracell AA batteries," she said. "He presented your card and saved 59 cents on the cheese balls."
The bastard was stocking up, I realized. Testing the limits.
Plus, I had never received a 59 cent discount on any one item in the 7 years I've been carrying the DRDR card. This guy knew the game, he was a pro.
"He struck again later at the store on 13th street and 7th avenue," she continued. "He purchased 3 bottles of Duane Reade brand tussin, a 24 pack of Ramses extra thin lubricated condoms, and a Nestle Crunch bar."
Having a little party using my savings, I thought. I felt sick. What kind of an animal could do such a thing?
"He presented the Dollar Rewards card with his purchase, and when the cashier ran it through and determined that none of those items was eligible for a discount, he demanded that she swipe the card again," she said. "She swiped it again, and again it said no discount. At this point the man became agitated, repeatedly yelling at the cashier to swpe it again until she was forced to call for her manager. However, before the manager arrived the man had grabbed your card back and fled the scene."
"Anything else? Is that it?" I asked.
"Yes sir, that's it so far," she said. "We're gonna go ahead and cancel that card right now. You can get a new one at any Duane Reade store."
I am still reeling from all this. Violated to the core. I don't know if I will ever be able to save with confidence again.
posted by hans q. bungle at 02:00
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