some shit that happened this week
Here's a list of some shit that went on this week.
1) I got sick. Ma Bungle got sick. And Baby Bungle got sick. It wasn't pretty at all. Baby Bungle projectile barfed for the first time in her life, and it scared the hell out of her. She bounced back quick, though (thanks to some prescription-strength Gatorade), and she's now ready to kick your ass. Two times, bitch.
2) Because I was sick, I was sort of unable to spend time with my ailing but improving father. But there is good news. As of now, he is scheduled to go home from the hospital on Tuesday (cross your fingers, knock on wood, pull down your pants and spank your bare ass while crossing 14th street). The dude is tough as nails. Heart is still not strong, but everything else has improved and the short-term outlook is good. I am guardedly thrilled, if that's possible.
This part makes me feel bad: since he was moved to his current room in the cardiac rehab unit of the hospital, he has had the same roommate. Both born in 1926. This other guy is a real cranky fucker, too. Anyway, he was in way better shape than my pop when my pop arrived a week ago -- he was walking unassisted and didn't seem to need much care. And slowly that guy's condition has worsened. Slightly but noticably. And my pop has lapped the bastard in the healthiness department. And I feel good about that. I know I should be wishing the dude well and all, but seeing him worsen only makes my dad's relative improvement seem more significant. Officially, though, I hope he gets better, as soon as my pop checks out on Tuesday.
3) I saw a guy in the Amish market doing a crazy move where he crouched over slightly (roughly the same amount of crouch as a hockey goalie anticipating a shot on goal) and pretended to be examining the label of a canned good, as if mulling over the nutrition information. It looked very unnatural -- probably because the cans were at like chest level and he could have just grabbed one and looked at it while standing fully upright. So I looked closer and noticed that it was all a ruse -- the dude was just scratching his balls and trying to create a distraction. He has his hand in his pocket and he was just working that shit. Come to think of it, I HOPE he was just scratching his balls. He saw me and awkwardly bolted away. I passed him a minute later in another part of the store and I am not lying when I tell you that I needed every ounce of concentration not to say to him, "How are those balls doing?"
4) I left my fly open for a minute the other day and it made me wonder: do chicks look at guys' crotches and try to figure out how much lumber they're swinging down there? Growing up, I always assumed they were. Then one day I stopped caring about it. But I remember a kid from my junior high school, the son of a prominent teacher, got busted at summer camp for stuffing socks in his crotch. I think he may have been making out with a girl or something and she reached for his stuff and a tube sock came tumbling out. I bet he still remembers that shit vividly. From camp legend to laughingstock of the cabin in an instant.
I don't know if that story's even true, but it is what eventually led me to stop crotch-stuffing back in '92.
5) We got our new Stuytown lease renewal. Pretty outrageous. Not as bad as Joe M. or whoever did this, but pretty bad. 16% for a 1 year, 25% for two. We don't know what the hell we're gonna do. We're staying for at least one more year. Not sure if the two year gamble is worth it. The new assholes who run this place have the same fucking set of balls as the old assholes.
6) I appreciate all the suggestions for post topics and as soon as I review them appropriate genius tallies will be made. Here is one topic for a post that occurred to me this week that I kinda like. Sports-related, so turn the channel if that ain't your thing.
The idea was to create a list of the current NBA players who I find most amazing to watch. The guys who, when healthy, are able to do things so ridiculous that they appear to be starring in a cartoon of their own design. A cartoon in which physics and logic and all that we have believed up to now are rendered meaningless. A cartoon in which the opposing players are basically faceless villains to be bopped in the nose and their own teammates are whimpering damsels tied to the railroad tracks.
I will call these men The Cartoonists.
Just a note -- to be a Cartoonist you can't simply be an uncanny leaper or a ridiculous shooter. You have to have an ability to hit crazy shots under impossible stress, with dudes hanging all over you and shit, from all over the court. You have to be able to create for yourself and occasionally for your teammates. You have to be able to throw down a crazy dunk every now and then to open some eyes. And you have to look good doing it all.
Another note -- these dudes don't necessarily bring Cartoonist-level play to the court every night. But when they reach their happy zone, it looks like NBA Jam out there.
Lastly, I don't necesarily like these guys.
Here they are, in order:
Vince Carter -- he's become a little more consistent, but to me he's still the ultimate cartoon player. Every moment he looks like he's trying to do something larger than life, and he often succeeds. He hasn't lost much of his Freak Factor during his 9 years in the league -- which I guess isn't that surprising because he's still only 29.
LeBron -- should probably be number one, but appears to take the game a little too seriously, occasionally choosing the correct play over the spectacular one.
Kobe -- maybe my least favorite active player. But his ability to binge-score is like nothing the league has seen since Jordan or maybe even longer than that.
T-Mac -- always banged up but when he's got his shit together he can really paint a picture out there.
Baron Davis -- imagine if he really really took it seriously and had a healthy back?
D. Wade -- so solid that it sometimes overshadows how much fun he is. Needs to be able to hit the contested three a little bit to move up the list.
I think that's it. Here are the guys who are right outside the door (in no order):
Iverson
Ray Allen
Gilbert Arenas
Jason Richardson
Paul Pierce
Carmelo
Last note, this kid Ellis on Golden State looks like the second coming of John Starks...mad-dog energy. Love him.
Maybe I'm forgetting somebody.
7) I got some free shit this week. Like really cool free shit. Multiple free shits. 10 points for each correct guess, with extra points awarded for specificity at my discretion.
8) Tomorrow's another working Saturday. You bring the bagels, I'll bring the resentment. See you there.
1) I got sick. Ma Bungle got sick. And Baby Bungle got sick. It wasn't pretty at all. Baby Bungle projectile barfed for the first time in her life, and it scared the hell out of her. She bounced back quick, though (thanks to some prescription-strength Gatorade), and she's now ready to kick your ass. Two times, bitch.
2) Because I was sick, I was sort of unable to spend time with my ailing but improving father. But there is good news. As of now, he is scheduled to go home from the hospital on Tuesday (cross your fingers, knock on wood, pull down your pants and spank your bare ass while crossing 14th street). The dude is tough as nails. Heart is still not strong, but everything else has improved and the short-term outlook is good. I am guardedly thrilled, if that's possible.
This part makes me feel bad: since he was moved to his current room in the cardiac rehab unit of the hospital, he has had the same roommate. Both born in 1926. This other guy is a real cranky fucker, too. Anyway, he was in way better shape than my pop when my pop arrived a week ago -- he was walking unassisted and didn't seem to need much care. And slowly that guy's condition has worsened. Slightly but noticably. And my pop has lapped the bastard in the healthiness department. And I feel good about that. I know I should be wishing the dude well and all, but seeing him worsen only makes my dad's relative improvement seem more significant. Officially, though, I hope he gets better, as soon as my pop checks out on Tuesday.
3) I saw a guy in the Amish market doing a crazy move where he crouched over slightly (roughly the same amount of crouch as a hockey goalie anticipating a shot on goal) and pretended to be examining the label of a canned good, as if mulling over the nutrition information. It looked very unnatural -- probably because the cans were at like chest level and he could have just grabbed one and looked at it while standing fully upright. So I looked closer and noticed that it was all a ruse -- the dude was just scratching his balls and trying to create a distraction. He has his hand in his pocket and he was just working that shit. Come to think of it, I HOPE he was just scratching his balls. He saw me and awkwardly bolted away. I passed him a minute later in another part of the store and I am not lying when I tell you that I needed every ounce of concentration not to say to him, "How are those balls doing?"
4) I left my fly open for a minute the other day and it made me wonder: do chicks look at guys' crotches and try to figure out how much lumber they're swinging down there? Growing up, I always assumed they were. Then one day I stopped caring about it. But I remember a kid from my junior high school, the son of a prominent teacher, got busted at summer camp for stuffing socks in his crotch. I think he may have been making out with a girl or something and she reached for his stuff and a tube sock came tumbling out. I bet he still remembers that shit vividly. From camp legend to laughingstock of the cabin in an instant.
I don't know if that story's even true, but it is what eventually led me to stop crotch-stuffing back in '92.
5) We got our new Stuytown lease renewal. Pretty outrageous. Not as bad as Joe M. or whoever did this, but pretty bad. 16% for a 1 year, 25% for two. We don't know what the hell we're gonna do. We're staying for at least one more year. Not sure if the two year gamble is worth it. The new assholes who run this place have the same fucking set of balls as the old assholes.
6) I appreciate all the suggestions for post topics and as soon as I review them appropriate genius tallies will be made. Here is one topic for a post that occurred to me this week that I kinda like. Sports-related, so turn the channel if that ain't your thing.
The idea was to create a list of the current NBA players who I find most amazing to watch. The guys who, when healthy, are able to do things so ridiculous that they appear to be starring in a cartoon of their own design. A cartoon in which physics and logic and all that we have believed up to now are rendered meaningless. A cartoon in which the opposing players are basically faceless villains to be bopped in the nose and their own teammates are whimpering damsels tied to the railroad tracks.
I will call these men The Cartoonists.
Just a note -- to be a Cartoonist you can't simply be an uncanny leaper or a ridiculous shooter. You have to have an ability to hit crazy shots under impossible stress, with dudes hanging all over you and shit, from all over the court. You have to be able to create for yourself and occasionally for your teammates. You have to be able to throw down a crazy dunk every now and then to open some eyes. And you have to look good doing it all.
Another note -- these dudes don't necessarily bring Cartoonist-level play to the court every night. But when they reach their happy zone, it looks like NBA Jam out there.
Lastly, I don't necesarily like these guys.
Here they are, in order:
Vince Carter -- he's become a little more consistent, but to me he's still the ultimate cartoon player. Every moment he looks like he's trying to do something larger than life, and he often succeeds. He hasn't lost much of his Freak Factor during his 9 years in the league -- which I guess isn't that surprising because he's still only 29.
LeBron -- should probably be number one, but appears to take the game a little too seriously, occasionally choosing the correct play over the spectacular one.
Kobe -- maybe my least favorite active player. But his ability to binge-score is like nothing the league has seen since Jordan or maybe even longer than that.
T-Mac -- always banged up but when he's got his shit together he can really paint a picture out there.
Baron Davis -- imagine if he really really took it seriously and had a healthy back?
D. Wade -- so solid that it sometimes overshadows how much fun he is. Needs to be able to hit the contested three a little bit to move up the list.
I think that's it. Here are the guys who are right outside the door (in no order):
Iverson
Ray Allen
Gilbert Arenas
Jason Richardson
Paul Pierce
Carmelo
Last note, this kid Ellis on Golden State looks like the second coming of John Starks...mad-dog energy. Love him.
Maybe I'm forgetting somebody.
7) I got some free shit this week. Like really cool free shit. Multiple free shits. 10 points for each correct guess, with extra points awarded for specificity at my discretion.
8) Tomorrow's another working Saturday. You bring the bagels, I'll bring the resentment. See you there.
posted by hans q. bungle at 22:38
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