Introducing Moustaches of Peace

You might have noticed that I talk about moustaches a lot in this space. Specifically, the one I someday intend to grow.

And each time it seems like I'm actually close to pulling something together, my plan disintegrates, my optimism erodes, and I shave my stupid face. It's not that I don't want to grow a moustache -- oh no, nothing would mean more to me. It's just that there are a few things standing in my way.

1) My wife has promised me that exactly one time in my life she will tolerate me growing a moustache. However, whenever I suggest that this time has arrived, she says, not now, maybe some other time. I don't blame her for this.

2) I have a job. And as much as you and I know that my moustache will be heartfelt and unironic, to an outsider it might look like I'm just having a few laughs. That I'm not taking my appearance seriously. That I am just a kid. And my stock with the bosses will plummet in some tiny way. Since I am a big pussy, this bothers me.

3) When I don't shave for like 6 days and I get a look at the actual hair growth that has accumulated, I actually have serious doubts as to whether I have what it takes, whether my 'stache will ever grow beyond what you're used to seeing in 8th grade yearbook photos. See:

There's no point growing one if it can't be supersexy and thick.

4) Even if it did eventually grow into something to be proud of (and let's face it, it would), the process would be long and embarrassing, with lots of questions like, Are you growing a moustache? I guess I could let the full beard grow and then shave it down to a moustache at the appropriate time, but that would look patchy and people might start to worry about my health.

So I apologize for constantly getting you all excited about my moustache and then just flaking on it.

And people, I think I have a solution, a way to make it up to you. Two factors have come together and created the perfect environment for 'staching.

One, my wife has always said that I could (attempt to) grow one if I could somehow harness its power to increase the overall level of cosmic happiness. She even sent me this link to one of several moustache-growing charities. Alas, I missed the most recent deadline and you know what, I don't want to jump in on somebody else's thing anyway. Good on those dudes for making it happen, but I want to create my own moustache project.

And this year, for the first time, my job will end at the end of May and won't start up again until at least July. So I will have an entire month to do nothing but lament past life-failures, put off any thoughts of improving my future, and grow one serious fucking moustache.

So here is what I intend to do. I want you to sponsor me and our new charity Moustaches of Peace. You can make a Paypal donation of any size and I will match total donations up to $37. If I get a reasonable amount of money in there ($37 would be a reasonable amount), I will begin growing the stache on my first day off in June. When I shave it, whatever donations have been accumulated will be transferred to a charity to be named later. As in, later today. Any suggestions? I was thinking about something for Iraq war veterans or Iraqi families displaced by the war. Please chime in.

I also welcome anyone who wants to join me in this project come June, and I will sponsor any of you who commit with a $5 donation into the MoP kitty (first five growers only).

Also, I would appreciate it if everyone could please spell the word "moustache" with the "o" in there. Moustaches are about flair, about giving it a little something extra, and that's why the "o" seems so right.

Give me your top five moustaches in history. Best list gets 30 points.