hiatus review
Fuckety fuck, as Mr. Rogers used to say after every blown take. Fuckety fucking fuckface motherfucker.
It's the end of good things.
Hiatus is over. I am back on the job. My upper lip is as hairless as the day I was born. My emotional state is one of mild panic. My facial expression is droopy. My free time is immeasurably small. My hours are long and my stubbed toe is probably broken. My sneakers are dirty. My fancy headphones are busted. My card is American Express.
Hiatus flew by in roughly 14 minutes. It was a complete non-event. It doesn't even count. If you look up my career stats, it says "Hiatuses: 1" but there is an asterisk. I was anxious the whole time. There was a lot of serious shit going on but I also managed to worry about stuff that didn't matter. I have a lingering fear that I might be an anxiety addict.
It is time to do a quick review of my (modified) goals for hiatus to see how well I fulfilled them:
1) See my ailing pops as much as possible.
I did this. Yes I did. Almost every day. It was really all I did, and I thank science we were able to have this much time together. And, praise be to science, he seems to be doing a little better.
2) Play basketball enough so that I suck 42% less than I do now. The last time I played was an embarrassment to pudgy pushing-40 fuckups everywhere.
Played zero times. Now suck 5% more than I did at start of hiatus. Legs, arms, and back feel like Larry Johnson's. Time is running out.
3) Read at least one book. First, probably the Paul Auster book that Mrs. Sandals just loaned me. Then finish Stop-Time.
Read two books, the Auster book (nice quick read, will return soon, didn't even fold any pages to mark my place) and a book that I was embarrassed to be seen with because it was so unavoidable a few years ago: Running with Scissors. That said, I really liked it; I related completely to his family's complete disregard for traditional childraising strategies (not so much with the blowing dudes at age 13 part). Am now picking up Stop-Time again and it is getting good.
4) Have afternoon drinks at least one time.
Should have said: at least zero times. Darn. Had nighttime drinks maybe two times. Not so good. Came home every day to pick up kid from nanny. That's what you gotta do sometimes.
5) Write a story based on an idea I had as I was going to sleep the other night. Not a great idea but good enough to get out of bed and write down.
Nope. Luckily, as I thought more about it, the idea was sucky enough to leave behind forever. It was an emotional tale of forbidden love, and there are too many of those out there already. Right?
6) Ponder how the Knicks just managed to get more unlikable. Zach Randolph? They didn't give up much but I would rather have nothing than have him.
Not really. Thinking about other stuff.
7) Grow a moustache. It starts on Monday and runs through the end of July, which has prompted me to finally give it a name: The Monthstache. It's like a reunion tour of your favorite band. You have a limited time to catch it so don't miss out. I think I'm going for a Don Mattingly 1984,
with a dash of horrible late-period Eddie Murphy as well:
Here is what I finished with (in 21 days):
While certainly not a home run, I will give myself a solid B. The effort was there, but time and hormones proved to be formidable opponents, and I ended up with 10th-grade level growth. Fine. I definitely enjoyed every minute of it.
More about the monthstache, including a link to a website where you can send a check to meet your pledge amount if you so wish, is coming soon to our monthstache-tracking site.
Overall I'd say I finished with like a 43% hiatus success rate. I'd be mad, but that's just how it goes. You never get a hiatus from being a father and you never get a hiatus from being a son. You just remind yourself how lucky you are and you keep on livin'.
The best part of being back at work: Lunch. Anticipating it. Planning it. Delaying it. Stepping outside to go buy it. And finally, eating it.
Lunch is all we've got sometimes; luckily, we always have lunch.
For ten GP's, what is the best potato chip on the market today (in my opinion)?
It's the end of good things.
Hiatus is over. I am back on the job. My upper lip is as hairless as the day I was born. My emotional state is one of mild panic. My facial expression is droopy. My free time is immeasurably small. My hours are long and my stubbed toe is probably broken. My sneakers are dirty. My fancy headphones are busted. My card is American Express.
Hiatus flew by in roughly 14 minutes. It was a complete non-event. It doesn't even count. If you look up my career stats, it says "Hiatuses: 1" but there is an asterisk. I was anxious the whole time. There was a lot of serious shit going on but I also managed to worry about stuff that didn't matter. I have a lingering fear that I might be an anxiety addict.
It is time to do a quick review of my (modified) goals for hiatus to see how well I fulfilled them:
1) See my ailing pops as much as possible.
I did this. Yes I did. Almost every day. It was really all I did, and I thank science we were able to have this much time together. And, praise be to science, he seems to be doing a little better.
2) Play basketball enough so that I suck 42% less than I do now. The last time I played was an embarrassment to pudgy pushing-40 fuckups everywhere.
Played zero times. Now suck 5% more than I did at start of hiatus. Legs, arms, and back feel like Larry Johnson's. Time is running out.
3) Read at least one book. First, probably the Paul Auster book that Mrs. Sandals just loaned me. Then finish Stop-Time.
Read two books, the Auster book (nice quick read, will return soon, didn't even fold any pages to mark my place) and a book that I was embarrassed to be seen with because it was so unavoidable a few years ago: Running with Scissors. That said, I really liked it; I related completely to his family's complete disregard for traditional childraising strategies (not so much with the blowing dudes at age 13 part). Am now picking up Stop-Time again and it is getting good.
4) Have afternoon drinks at least one time.
Should have said: at least zero times. Darn. Had nighttime drinks maybe two times. Not so good. Came home every day to pick up kid from nanny. That's what you gotta do sometimes.
5) Write a story based on an idea I had as I was going to sleep the other night. Not a great idea but good enough to get out of bed and write down.
Nope. Luckily, as I thought more about it, the idea was sucky enough to leave behind forever. It was an emotional tale of forbidden love, and there are too many of those out there already. Right?
6) Ponder how the Knicks just managed to get more unlikable. Zach Randolph? They didn't give up much but I would rather have nothing than have him.
Not really. Thinking about other stuff.
7) Grow a moustache. It starts on Monday and runs through the end of July, which has prompted me to finally give it a name: The Monthstache. It's like a reunion tour of your favorite band. You have a limited time to catch it so don't miss out. I think I'm going for a Don Mattingly 1984,
with a dash of horrible late-period Eddie Murphy as well:Here is what I finished with (in 21 days):While certainly not a home run, I will give myself a solid B. The effort was there, but time and hormones proved to be formidable opponents, and I ended up with 10th-grade level growth. Fine. I definitely enjoyed every minute of it.More about the monthstache, including a link to a website where you can send a check to meet your pledge amount if you so wish, is coming soon to our monthstache-tracking site.
Overall I'd say I finished with like a 43% hiatus success rate. I'd be mad, but that's just how it goes. You never get a hiatus from being a father and you never get a hiatus from being a son. You just remind yourself how lucky you are and you keep on livin'.
The best part of being back at work: Lunch. Anticipating it. Planning it. Delaying it. Stepping outside to go buy it. And finally, eating it.
Lunch is all we've got sometimes; luckily, we always have lunch.
For ten GP's, what is the best potato chip on the market today (in my opinion)?
posted by hans q. bungle at 00:05
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