be the office perv!
In a previous job, I knew a guy who was a real pig. He would constantly talk about sex, and -- worse -- sex with his wife. I've said it before, but I will reiterate (and this goes out to everyone, men, women, donkeys): I DON'T WANT TO HEAR STORIES ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, UNLESS THEY ARE ABOUT SKANKY ONE NIGHT STANDS, IN WHICH CASE GO AHEAD I AM ALL EARS.
Talking to people at work about sex with your significant other is a screwed-up thing to do on a number of levels. One, it is a betrayal of the person you shared this intimate experience with, supposedly someone you love. There's no way your S.O. would be happy if they knew you were bragging about how you bent her/him over the kitchen counter last night as you gleefully snacked on Fritos and onion dip.
Two, it's just not that impressive. Of course you banged your S.O. -- that's part of what S.O.'s do to each other. There is no inherent thrill for the listener in hearing about this. It's like saying, "You won't believe the awesome load of garbage I took out last night." OK, maybe not that bad, more like, "Dude, did I tell you how I caught up on Entourage last night...I must have watched four episodes. It was incredible." Sex with your partner is just an assumed part of your life. Get over yourself.
Three, it's gross. You're pretty gross, your significant other is kind of gross, and the thought of the two of you grunting away, climbing all over each other like wild rodents, sweating and moaning and talking dirty to each other, is gross as hell. Yuck. Do you really think otherwise, you gross bastard?
The guy I used to work with was oblivious to the fact that he was knocking down all sorts of necessary social walls -- he would just up and talk about screwing his wife like he was a 9th grader asking you to smell his finger.
Here is a near-verbatim example:
"So my wife and I went to this wedding this weekend, and she ended up getting really drunk. She doesn't usually drink much, so she was wasted after like three drinks. We left early and I was driving home because she was such a mess. Like halfway there she starts blowing me right in the car. You know me, I'm not one to turn down sex, so I pulled over and we started going at it -- I wedged her up in the driver's seat on top of me and she was just riding me. Suddenly, in the middle of it, she barfed all over me, all over the car, all over everything. So we had to stop and go home."
At least he stopped, I guess. Whatever the case, I believe there is an art to talking filthy in the workplace, and if you do it right it doesn't bother anybody. Here is a quick guide:
1) Before saying something crude in front of a particular person or group, learn your audience. Start out with something mildly dirty and see if you get a reaction. If people laugh, they are probably open to hearing more. Better yet, wait until they say something crude. Within a few days you will be able to throw in words like "bang," "blowjob," and, eventually, "manual anal intercourse." Just take it slow, and keep it light.
2) Don't talk about actual sex you've had or, more importantly, sex you'd like to have with someone you work with. That shit is freaky as hell. Unless a) it's clearly, clearly marked as a joke with no room for misunderstanding or b) you are immensely attractive and everyone wants to get with you. This is known as the Clarence Thomas rule. If you are ugly, it's a good general guideline to avoid talking the nasty talk unless you are doing it anonymously on the internet.
3) Sometimes, to keep people off balance, grab a punch of pants material around your crotch and bunch it up in both hands to make it look like you have an enormous package. Do it in front of your female co-workers and see if they get a kick out of it. Don't blame me if they don't.
I am too lazy to compile an entire list, but here is a start:
Top 1980's Chick Cars
1. Volkswagen Cabriolet
2. Pontiac Fiero
3. Nissan Pulsar
4. Toyota Celica
5. Volkswagen Beetle
6. Volkswagen Jetta
7. Toyota Supra
10 points for each valid addition.
I can drink Pabst beer indefinitely. If you pay me $50,000, I will drink 100 cans in 48 hours.
RIP Scooter. Athlete, poet, gentleman.
Talking to people at work about sex with your significant other is a screwed-up thing to do on a number of levels. One, it is a betrayal of the person you shared this intimate experience with, supposedly someone you love. There's no way your S.O. would be happy if they knew you were bragging about how you bent her/him over the kitchen counter last night as you gleefully snacked on Fritos and onion dip.
Two, it's just not that impressive. Of course you banged your S.O. -- that's part of what S.O.'s do to each other. There is no inherent thrill for the listener in hearing about this. It's like saying, "You won't believe the awesome load of garbage I took out last night." OK, maybe not that bad, more like, "Dude, did I tell you how I caught up on Entourage last night...I must have watched four episodes. It was incredible." Sex with your partner is just an assumed part of your life. Get over yourself.
Three, it's gross. You're pretty gross, your significant other is kind of gross, and the thought of the two of you grunting away, climbing all over each other like wild rodents, sweating and moaning and talking dirty to each other, is gross as hell. Yuck. Do you really think otherwise, you gross bastard?
The guy I used to work with was oblivious to the fact that he was knocking down all sorts of necessary social walls -- he would just up and talk about screwing his wife like he was a 9th grader asking you to smell his finger.
Here is a near-verbatim example:
"So my wife and I went to this wedding this weekend, and she ended up getting really drunk. She doesn't usually drink much, so she was wasted after like three drinks. We left early and I was driving home because she was such a mess. Like halfway there she starts blowing me right in the car. You know me, I'm not one to turn down sex, so I pulled over and we started going at it -- I wedged her up in the driver's seat on top of me and she was just riding me. Suddenly, in the middle of it, she barfed all over me, all over the car, all over everything. So we had to stop and go home."
At least he stopped, I guess. Whatever the case, I believe there is an art to talking filthy in the workplace, and if you do it right it doesn't bother anybody. Here is a quick guide:
1) Before saying something crude in front of a particular person or group, learn your audience. Start out with something mildly dirty and see if you get a reaction. If people laugh, they are probably open to hearing more. Better yet, wait until they say something crude. Within a few days you will be able to throw in words like "bang," "blowjob," and, eventually, "manual anal intercourse." Just take it slow, and keep it light.
2) Don't talk about actual sex you've had or, more importantly, sex you'd like to have with someone you work with. That shit is freaky as hell. Unless a) it's clearly, clearly marked as a joke with no room for misunderstanding or b) you are immensely attractive and everyone wants to get with you. This is known as the Clarence Thomas rule. If you are ugly, it's a good general guideline to avoid talking the nasty talk unless you are doing it anonymously on the internet.
3) Sometimes, to keep people off balance, grab a punch of pants material around your crotch and bunch it up in both hands to make it look like you have an enormous package. Do it in front of your female co-workers and see if they get a kick out of it. Don't blame me if they don't.
***
I am too lazy to compile an entire list, but here is a start:
Top 1980's Chick Cars
1. Volkswagen Cabriolet
2. Pontiac Fiero
3. Nissan Pulsar
4. Toyota Celica
5. Volkswagen Beetle
6. Volkswagen Jetta
7. Toyota Supra
10 points for each valid addition.
***
I can drink Pabst beer indefinitely. If you pay me $50,000, I will drink 100 cans in 48 hours.
***
RIP Scooter. Athlete, poet, gentleman.
posted by hans q. bungle at 00:44
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