scrub 2.0
When we took our baby in for her 6 month check-up, she was big for her age. Tall, but also heavy. In fact, her weight was ahead of her height on the weight-height index or whatever they call it. The doctor assured us it was nothing to worry about.
"For the first couple of years, it really doesn't matter if they're overweight or not," she said. "But once they turn two, if they are overweight, they will probably struggle with weight for their entire lives."
What?
That doesn't seem right.
Anyway, when she went in for her one year check-up, she had sprouted up in height and had seemingly put her obesity problems behind her thanks to a daily regimen of healthy eating, good sleep and punching other kids in the face for no reason. So we relaxed.
And then came her two-year checkup, and wouldn't you know it, she got fat again. Like she's in the 80th percentile of weight to height. We'll try to help her regain her figure, but I guess she's probably screwed.
And it made me wonder, if she's screwed, if her appetites and habits are already too ingrained to change, what hope is there for poor 38 year-old fools like me?
Since I was like 7, I've taken really crappy care of myself. I don't know why exactly, probably some deep-rooted fuckedupedness, or maybe just laziness, or maybe poor self-esteem, or self-hate, or maybe because taking crappy care of yourself just feels good.
My diet is a disgrace. I've understood this for years; I've watched myself go from an awkward skinny guy to a fat guy in baggy clothes trying to fool the world. I'm not as fat as the fattest person you know but I probably eat worse food than he does. One night about 8 years ago I ran into a guy from high school at the Blue and Gold, and he was like, "Damn, you got heavy." And that was like 15 pounds ago. (P.S. for some reason I didn't box his stupid ears when he said this.)
So it's true. I need to exercise more, lose weight, and take it easy on the chunky chews. And I never do a damn thing about any of it except for acknowledging it. This condition, along with the fact that I recently shotgunnned a Pabst on a pitcher's mound, makes me an American. But being an American doesn't help me live longer or look more like the stallion that I know lives inside me. I need to make some changes, or at least promise to make some changes and then forget about them.
I have a new desk at work, and the other two people in my office are very fit. One is a woman who prepares and eats healthy meals every day. The other is a dude who is 6'5", maybe 195 pounds of lean manhood. Once or twice a day, he drops to the floor and does 50 pushups. It's pretty cool, actually. He's a fascinating character, a real-life southern gentleman with a great sense of humor and a positive attitude. He's sort of my new hero. And the woman is constantly pressuring me to eat right, to the point where the three of us and one other guy are all now eating our meals together every day -- veggie wraps that we make right in the office. So I am getting on the right track. I need to join my buddy and do some pushups, but I think hitting the wall after 3 might make me look bad.
But diet and exercise are just the first step. I need to do a bunch of stuff that will make me a better man. Here's my short list of small goals I don't expect to reach:
-Stop reading celebrity news in any format. My wife will bring home an Us Weekly and I will pretend to judge her for it for a few minutes, then I inevitably read it cover to cover myself. Celebrity gossip is the lowest form of entertainment, it's like batter-fried cheez doodles for the brain and I want you to stop reading it, too.
-Continue my semi-return to hoops. I played (and won) three full-court games on Saturday in 90 degree heat, and it made me feel 10 years younger. Then we had a terrible Sunday night softball game without DLee, and it reminded me that if I get only three hours a week to play sports, it may as well be spent playing the game I love best and not the one that actually makes me gain weight as I play.
-Buy a Wizznutzz T-shirt. I never look at Wizznutzz anymore because it crashes my Firefox every time I go there, but JCJ has one of the most original and compelling sites on the ol' intertubes. So check out their store for some awesome designs.
-Continue downloading some of the great songs you guys suggested for me. Thank you for the effort, I am far more able to rock now than I was a week ago.
-Not tell anyone the embarrassing story about how I returned my (GIFT!) iPhone to the store, had problems with the Apple staff, caused a bit of a scene, got what I wanted, and made an asshole out of myself in the process. And the assholery may not be over yet. Lesson learned. Oh, and the iPhone is pretty cool, other than the ludicrous decision to a) use the slow EDGE network that is about to get phased out and b) load full versions of websites. Loading stuff takes forever, unless you're in a hotspot. And hotspots don't really help you when you are using a MOBILE device. Anyway, I am ashamed on a number of levels about the thing but I think I'll get over it.
-Refrain from stealing cigarettes in bars. Hasn't happened in like 10 years, but it's always good to stay vigilant.
-Think more of others and less of me. Tough and generally unrewarding, but probably necessary in the end.
-Root for Stephon Marbury even though he may have some knuckles in his head. His charity stuff seems to me to be unequaled by other athletes.
-Blog at least once a week, maybe twice.
-Drink lotsa water.
-Actively hate the Red Bastards. I don't think we can catch 'em, but I want to get into the playoffs so we can possibly face them. Unfortunately, I think they have a better team this year so they might pound us, but it would be fun just to get there.
-Organize my workspace at the office. Before the juggernaut gets loose and it's too late.
-Read one book every month.
-Get more sleep. Starting right now.
If you can think of any other ways I could suck less, let me know.
"For the first couple of years, it really doesn't matter if they're overweight or not," she said. "But once they turn two, if they are overweight, they will probably struggle with weight for their entire lives."
What?
That doesn't seem right.
Anyway, when she went in for her one year check-up, she had sprouted up in height and had seemingly put her obesity problems behind her thanks to a daily regimen of healthy eating, good sleep and punching other kids in the face for no reason. So we relaxed.
And then came her two-year checkup, and wouldn't you know it, she got fat again. Like she's in the 80th percentile of weight to height. We'll try to help her regain her figure, but I guess she's probably screwed.
And it made me wonder, if she's screwed, if her appetites and habits are already too ingrained to change, what hope is there for poor 38 year-old fools like me?
Since I was like 7, I've taken really crappy care of myself. I don't know why exactly, probably some deep-rooted fuckedupedness, or maybe just laziness, or maybe poor self-esteem, or self-hate, or maybe because taking crappy care of yourself just feels good.
My diet is a disgrace. I've understood this for years; I've watched myself go from an awkward skinny guy to a fat guy in baggy clothes trying to fool the world. I'm not as fat as the fattest person you know but I probably eat worse food than he does. One night about 8 years ago I ran into a guy from high school at the Blue and Gold, and he was like, "Damn, you got heavy." And that was like 15 pounds ago. (P.S. for some reason I didn't box his stupid ears when he said this.)
So it's true. I need to exercise more, lose weight, and take it easy on the chunky chews. And I never do a damn thing about any of it except for acknowledging it. This condition, along with the fact that I recently shotgunnned a Pabst on a pitcher's mound, makes me an American. But being an American doesn't help me live longer or look more like the stallion that I know lives inside me. I need to make some changes, or at least promise to make some changes and then forget about them.
I have a new desk at work, and the other two people in my office are very fit. One is a woman who prepares and eats healthy meals every day. The other is a dude who is 6'5", maybe 195 pounds of lean manhood. Once or twice a day, he drops to the floor and does 50 pushups. It's pretty cool, actually. He's a fascinating character, a real-life southern gentleman with a great sense of humor and a positive attitude. He's sort of my new hero. And the woman is constantly pressuring me to eat right, to the point where the three of us and one other guy are all now eating our meals together every day -- veggie wraps that we make right in the office. So I am getting on the right track. I need to join my buddy and do some pushups, but I think hitting the wall after 3 might make me look bad.
But diet and exercise are just the first step. I need to do a bunch of stuff that will make me a better man. Here's my short list of small goals I don't expect to reach:
-Stop reading celebrity news in any format. My wife will bring home an Us Weekly and I will pretend to judge her for it for a few minutes, then I inevitably read it cover to cover myself. Celebrity gossip is the lowest form of entertainment, it's like batter-fried cheez doodles for the brain and I want you to stop reading it, too.
-Continue my semi-return to hoops. I played (and won) three full-court games on Saturday in 90 degree heat, and it made me feel 10 years younger. Then we had a terrible Sunday night softball game without DLee, and it reminded me that if I get only three hours a week to play sports, it may as well be spent playing the game I love best and not the one that actually makes me gain weight as I play.
-Buy a Wizznutzz T-shirt. I never look at Wizznutzz anymore because it crashes my Firefox every time I go there, but JCJ has one of the most original and compelling sites on the ol' intertubes. So check out their store for some awesome designs.
-Continue downloading some of the great songs you guys suggested for me. Thank you for the effort, I am far more able to rock now than I was a week ago.
-Not tell anyone the embarrassing story about how I returned my (GIFT!) iPhone to the store, had problems with the Apple staff, caused a bit of a scene, got what I wanted, and made an asshole out of myself in the process. And the assholery may not be over yet. Lesson learned. Oh, and the iPhone is pretty cool, other than the ludicrous decision to a) use the slow EDGE network that is about to get phased out and b) load full versions of websites. Loading stuff takes forever, unless you're in a hotspot. And hotspots don't really help you when you are using a MOBILE device. Anyway, I am ashamed on a number of levels about the thing but I think I'll get over it.
-Refrain from stealing cigarettes in bars. Hasn't happened in like 10 years, but it's always good to stay vigilant.
-Think more of others and less of me. Tough and generally unrewarding, but probably necessary in the end.
-Root for Stephon Marbury even though he may have some knuckles in his head. His charity stuff seems to me to be unequaled by other athletes.
-Blog at least once a week, maybe twice.
-Drink lotsa water.
-Actively hate the Red Bastards. I don't think we can catch 'em, but I want to get into the playoffs so we can possibly face them. Unfortunately, I think they have a better team this year so they might pound us, but it would be fun just to get there.
-Organize my workspace at the office. Before the juggernaut gets loose and it's too late.
-Read one book every month.
-Get more sleep. Starting right now.
If you can think of any other ways I could suck less, let me know.
Labels: basketball, weight
posted by hans q. bungle at 01:31
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