28 roster moves later
Your Better-than-Zander-Hollander 2006-07 New York Knicks preview, courtesy of DLee:
Alright. We all know that the Knicks have had their romantic 70’s NY fandom image destroyed hijacked by the Checkettes, Dolan’s, Layden’s and Thomas’s of the world. Yet just as current leadership of our nation has made us borderline ashamed to acknowledge ourselves as American citizens; we must still remember that the USA at it’s greatest essence transcends the bullshit of the people who claim to represent it and blah blah blah..
Whatever.
In homage to Halloween (*and the horror show that has become the Knick franchise), I offer a breakdown of the Knicks complete with player metaphoric value correlating to humans on run during a zombie apocalypse.
Renaldo Balkman: this guy has got to be on the floor --in fact he’s already on the floor ..he just dove across the hardwood and landed on a beer vendor! A sixth-man of the year waiting to happen. He doesn’t need plays called for him to score, he rebounds like it’s his last day on earth, dribbles with purpose and has the defensive potential of a young Scottie Pippen. Zombie survivalist comparison: cool kid with keys to speedy getaway car.
Malik Rose: I saw an interview with him at a Knick summer league game. Company-man Gus Johnson comments to Cylde Frazier, “ The Knicks have an impressively deep team this year. Aside from the starting five Isaiah’s got Lee, Balkman, Nate, and Mardy. All expect to be big contributors this year.” ….interruption…Malik pipes, “Hey, what about ME??” ~’nuff said. Zombie survivalist comparison: cranky old man with shovel who tells everyone what to do.
Randolph Morris: considering he really isn’t that good at anything I don’t really know why they bothered with him. Still, he’s a big body that actually functions. That’s more than can be said for Jerome James ...but not a lot more. Zombie survivalist comparison: random JV football player who joins group and carries supplies.
Jerome James: wow. Is anyone aside from Isiah surprised how comically bad this insane financial investment turned out? It’s like watching a trust-fund baby open a high-end Ethopian restaurant in Ozone Park. It never made sense and it NEVER will. Zombie survivalist comparison: funny morbidly obese kid with broken leg who eats all food supplies when nobody is looking.
David Lee: talk about reverse racism. How is it that a guy who almost made the all-star game last year, was MVP of the rookie/soph game, is top 5 in FG% and top 5 in rebounds per minute NOT considered someone to build around. Somehow, because he’s white, David Lee has earned the dreaded “great hustle-guy” label. What a rip-off. I’d love to see some point differential stats when Lee is in the game and when not. If they gave him half a chance offensively (*baseline 15 feet from the hoop he has an excellent first step to the hoop and solid J) and 37 mins a game we’d bank on him dropping 17 ppg 13 rbs and hitting 56% from the field. It burns the shit outta me when he busts his ass to make plays and knuckleheads like Curry, Crawford and Marbury give him no props. Zombie survivalist comparison: the heroic fireman/medic stocked with morphine, a sniper rifle and blueprints to the entire town.
Nate Robinson: Probably the single biggest (*or smallest) reason to watch Knick games. Regardless of weather you think he’s an over-energized instigator..a one-note highlight reel.. a wildly unpredictable nut-job..or whatever –no matter what, he shows a passion for playing you can’t find anywhere else in the league. He was MVP of the summer league and has been killing in camp so maybe this is the year he puts it all together to do the ONE thing he has yet to show he can do at the NBA level ..be a POINT guard. I don’t know if that’ll happen (*I personally think his best future lay as a third guard version of Vinnie Johnson) but regardless it will be fascinating to watch. If only they’d get rid of Starbury so we could find out the answer. Zombie survivalist comparison: lovable crazy guy who fights 20 zombies using a samurai sword.
Mardy Collins: gotta say I didn’t really think much of him at first but he’s definitely growing on me. Plays outstanding old-school D. Potential as a lock-down perimeter defender. Also, good rebounder & passer with solid ability to finish down the middle. Part of the solution more than the problem. Zombie survivalist comparison: the nimble quiet girl who’s unafraid to go into the crawl-space with a flashlight.
Stephon Marbury: Can’t he just go finish his playing days out in Italy like he said he wanted to? Honestly Steph, the pumpkin-flower ravioli and fried artichoke in NY is nothing compared to that of Rome. Go! Don’t forget to write. Or do. ~sigh. At least Zeke has brainwashed Steph’s hoopleheaded-ass to play D a little better than he used to and not give as much of a shit about getting his number called on O. Still, waiting for his contract to end is like waiting for Bush to leave office ..it can’t happen soon enough. Zombie survivalist comparison: alcoholic town Sherriff who thinks he’s in charge because he’s got a badge and was a former prom king.
Jarred Jeffries: dear lord. What a waste of time and money. How can Isiah be so good at drafting and yet such an unbelievably bad judge of free-agent talent? Occasionally, J.J can play some D but he’s so incompetent at every other facet of the game he seems like he’s drowning in a basketball dream. Zombie survivalist comparison: the annoying lady who screams every time she sees a zombie.
Eddy Curry: I’m so sick of this fool’s gold motherfucker. Balkman blocked as many shots as him in half the minutes. Let’s not even talk about his disgraceful rebounding. How can anyone that big and talented be that inept in those areas? It defies logic! There are so many teams desperate for low-post scoring can’t we deal him off to someone? Hey, Chicago ..want him back? We’ll take Ty Thomas & Noah. Or just one of the two. Or just Nocioni. Or coach Skiles. Just take Curry –please! FYI: The Randolph/Curry experiment has as much chance for success as the glorious Marbury/Francis backcourt. Both dudes play the post on O and play the wallflower on D so the idea of playing them together ..IT WILL NEVER WORK (*see: Ethiopian restaurant in Ozone Park). Zombie survivalist comparison: giant retarded steroid-freak who carries an old WWII bazooka found in the attic.
Wilson Chandler: the rook. Looks pretty good so far I gotta say. Nice pillowy jumper. Good athlete. Seems he likes to play D (*as evidenced by amazing swat of KG shot in Boston/NY pre-season game...it didn’t count but...). Still, where does he fit in? Zombie survivalist comparison: young boy picked up on side of road that can run really fast and begs the adults to let him carry a gun.
Zach Randolph: this deal could be soooo good if four things happen: 1) Z-bo plays some semblance of defense 2) he occasionally passes out of the double-team ..I’ve yet to see it happen. 3) as opposed to hitting strip clubs and after-hour ghetto hangs with P-Diddy; he oddly befriends Woody Allen thus developing a penchant for old movies, jazz and fine dining. 4) Knicks trade Eddy Curry. Hell, if just TWO of those things happen I’ll be happy. Be sure to watch him and David Lee work the boards together. It’s an awesome sight to behold ….(cough)..trade Curry. Zombie survivalist comparison: the headstrong biker guy who’s ruthless with a sawed-off shotgun and bowie knife.
Jamal Crawford: what an enigma. Unquestionably, their best go-to player with the game on the line. Yet this streetball legend masked as an NBA player is incapable of doing anything consistently except drive batty anyone who watches him drop 33 one night then shoot 2-13 the next. Sadly, if he’s off the Knicks usually lose. If he’s on, they usually win. Simple as that. Kinda like having a drug-addict drug dealer. Zombie survivalist comparison: the hot girl who knows the cure to zombie infection but can’t remember what it is cause she bumped her head in a car crash.
Quinton Richardson: I wanna see Q, David Lee, and Zach together fighting for boards ..it’ll be like throwing bloody meat to a pack of pitbulls. Still, there are two versions of Q. The first is a hard-nosed defending, rebound machine, who hits the 3 and fires up the team. The second is a broken down guy who can only do one of those things at a time and survives solely on his veteran smarts and heart (*think young Larry Johnson vs old Larry Johnson). Let’s hope for the first ..otherwise, we may have to put homeboy out to pasture to clear way for the youngsters. Zombie survivalist comparison: the retired war vet who knows how rally the troops but keeps coughing from lung cancer he caught guarding burning oil silos in the first Gulf War.
Isiah Thomas: ..don’t even get me started. Zombie survivalist comparison: town mayor who secretly started zombie epidemic then turns out to be an actual zombie before end of the movie.
Final prediction:
Zombies rule earth before the Knicks ever win a championship.
Dust.
DLee
Alright. We all know that the Knicks have had their romantic 70’s NY fandom image destroyed hijacked by the Checkettes, Dolan’s, Layden’s and Thomas’s of the world. Yet just as current leadership of our nation has made us borderline ashamed to acknowledge ourselves as American citizens; we must still remember that the USA at it’s greatest essence transcends the bullshit of the people who claim to represent it and blah blah blah..
Whatever.
In homage to Halloween (*and the horror show that has become the Knick franchise), I offer a breakdown of the Knicks complete with player metaphoric value correlating to humans on run during a zombie apocalypse.
Renaldo Balkman: this guy has got to be on the floor --in fact he’s already on the floor ..he just dove across the hardwood and landed on a beer vendor! A sixth-man of the year waiting to happen. He doesn’t need plays called for him to score, he rebounds like it’s his last day on earth, dribbles with purpose and has the defensive potential of a young Scottie Pippen. Zombie survivalist comparison: cool kid with keys to speedy getaway car.
Malik Rose: I saw an interview with him at a Knick summer league game. Company-man Gus Johnson comments to Cylde Frazier, “ The Knicks have an impressively deep team this year. Aside from the starting five Isaiah’s got Lee, Balkman, Nate, and Mardy. All expect to be big contributors this year.” ….interruption…Malik pipes, “Hey, what about ME??” ~’nuff said. Zombie survivalist comparison: cranky old man with shovel who tells everyone what to do.
Randolph Morris: considering he really isn’t that good at anything I don’t really know why they bothered with him. Still, he’s a big body that actually functions. That’s more than can be said for Jerome James ...but not a lot more. Zombie survivalist comparison: random JV football player who joins group and carries supplies.
Jerome James: wow. Is anyone aside from Isiah surprised how comically bad this insane financial investment turned out? It’s like watching a trust-fund baby open a high-end Ethopian restaurant in Ozone Park. It never made sense and it NEVER will. Zombie survivalist comparison: funny morbidly obese kid with broken leg who eats all food supplies when nobody is looking.
David Lee: talk about reverse racism. How is it that a guy who almost made the all-star game last year, was MVP of the rookie/soph game, is top 5 in FG% and top 5 in rebounds per minute NOT considered someone to build around. Somehow, because he’s white, David Lee has earned the dreaded “great hustle-guy” label. What a rip-off. I’d love to see some point differential stats when Lee is in the game and when not. If they gave him half a chance offensively (*baseline 15 feet from the hoop he has an excellent first step to the hoop and solid J) and 37 mins a game we’d bank on him dropping 17 ppg 13 rbs and hitting 56% from the field. It burns the shit outta me when he busts his ass to make plays and knuckleheads like Curry, Crawford and Marbury give him no props. Zombie survivalist comparison: the heroic fireman/medic stocked with morphine, a sniper rifle and blueprints to the entire town.
Nate Robinson: Probably the single biggest (*or smallest) reason to watch Knick games. Regardless of weather you think he’s an over-energized instigator..a one-note highlight reel.. a wildly unpredictable nut-job..or whatever –no matter what, he shows a passion for playing you can’t find anywhere else in the league. He was MVP of the summer league and has been killing in camp so maybe this is the year he puts it all together to do the ONE thing he has yet to show he can do at the NBA level ..be a POINT guard. I don’t know if that’ll happen (*I personally think his best future lay as a third guard version of Vinnie Johnson) but regardless it will be fascinating to watch. If only they’d get rid of Starbury so we could find out the answer. Zombie survivalist comparison: lovable crazy guy who fights 20 zombies using a samurai sword.
Mardy Collins: gotta say I didn’t really think much of him at first but he’s definitely growing on me. Plays outstanding old-school D. Potential as a lock-down perimeter defender. Also, good rebounder & passer with solid ability to finish down the middle. Part of the solution more than the problem. Zombie survivalist comparison: the nimble quiet girl who’s unafraid to go into the crawl-space with a flashlight.
Stephon Marbury: Can’t he just go finish his playing days out in Italy like he said he wanted to? Honestly Steph, the pumpkin-flower ravioli and fried artichoke in NY is nothing compared to that of Rome. Go! Don’t forget to write. Or do. ~sigh. At least Zeke has brainwashed Steph’s hoopleheaded-ass to play D a little better than he used to and not give as much of a shit about getting his number called on O. Still, waiting for his contract to end is like waiting for Bush to leave office ..it can’t happen soon enough. Zombie survivalist comparison: alcoholic town Sherriff who thinks he’s in charge because he’s got a badge and was a former prom king.
Jarred Jeffries: dear lord. What a waste of time and money. How can Isiah be so good at drafting and yet such an unbelievably bad judge of free-agent talent? Occasionally, J.J can play some D but he’s so incompetent at every other facet of the game he seems like he’s drowning in a basketball dream. Zombie survivalist comparison: the annoying lady who screams every time she sees a zombie.
Eddy Curry: I’m so sick of this fool’s gold motherfucker. Balkman blocked as many shots as him in half the minutes. Let’s not even talk about his disgraceful rebounding. How can anyone that big and talented be that inept in those areas? It defies logic! There are so many teams desperate for low-post scoring can’t we deal him off to someone? Hey, Chicago ..want him back? We’ll take Ty Thomas & Noah. Or just one of the two. Or just Nocioni. Or coach Skiles. Just take Curry –please! FYI: The Randolph/Curry experiment has as much chance for success as the glorious Marbury/Francis backcourt. Both dudes play the post on O and play the wallflower on D so the idea of playing them together ..IT WILL NEVER WORK (*see: Ethiopian restaurant in Ozone Park). Zombie survivalist comparison: giant retarded steroid-freak who carries an old WWII bazooka found in the attic.
Wilson Chandler: the rook. Looks pretty good so far I gotta say. Nice pillowy jumper. Good athlete. Seems he likes to play D (*as evidenced by amazing swat of KG shot in Boston/NY pre-season game...it didn’t count but...). Still, where does he fit in? Zombie survivalist comparison: young boy picked up on side of road that can run really fast and begs the adults to let him carry a gun.
Zach Randolph: this deal could be soooo good if four things happen: 1) Z-bo plays some semblance of defense 2) he occasionally passes out of the double-team ..I’ve yet to see it happen. 3) as opposed to hitting strip clubs and after-hour ghetto hangs with P-Diddy; he oddly befriends Woody Allen thus developing a penchant for old movies, jazz and fine dining. 4) Knicks trade Eddy Curry. Hell, if just TWO of those things happen I’ll be happy. Be sure to watch him and David Lee work the boards together. It’s an awesome sight to behold ….(cough)..trade Curry. Zombie survivalist comparison: the headstrong biker guy who’s ruthless with a sawed-off shotgun and bowie knife.
Jamal Crawford: what an enigma. Unquestionably, their best go-to player with the game on the line. Yet this streetball legend masked as an NBA player is incapable of doing anything consistently except drive batty anyone who watches him drop 33 one night then shoot 2-13 the next. Sadly, if he’s off the Knicks usually lose. If he’s on, they usually win. Simple as that. Kinda like having a drug-addict drug dealer. Zombie survivalist comparison: the hot girl who knows the cure to zombie infection but can’t remember what it is cause she bumped her head in a car crash.
Quinton Richardson: I wanna see Q, David Lee, and Zach together fighting for boards ..it’ll be like throwing bloody meat to a pack of pitbulls. Still, there are two versions of Q. The first is a hard-nosed defending, rebound machine, who hits the 3 and fires up the team. The second is a broken down guy who can only do one of those things at a time and survives solely on his veteran smarts and heart (*think young Larry Johnson vs old Larry Johnson). Let’s hope for the first ..otherwise, we may have to put homeboy out to pasture to clear way for the youngsters. Zombie survivalist comparison: the retired war vet who knows how rally the troops but keeps coughing from lung cancer he caught guarding burning oil silos in the first Gulf War.
Isiah Thomas: ..don’t even get me started. Zombie survivalist comparison: town mayor who secretly started zombie epidemic then turns out to be an actual zombie before end of the movie.
Final prediction:
Zombies rule earth before the Knicks ever win a championship.
Dust.
DLee
posted by hans q. bungle at 02:38
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