stubbed

Here's some stuff that happened over the last few days:

I saw a guy try to back his car over a gay deaf couple (deaf gay couple?). Whatever the terminology, it was insane. This maroon sedan was blocking the box on 14th street just to the southwest of Union Square. Suddenly he threw it in reverse and intentionally tried to hit these two dudes, who seemed to be minding their own business. They barely got out of the way and then they went after him. He sped away like a big chicken, leaving rubber on the street, and then he got stuck at a light and they caught him for a second before the light changed. One of the dudes punched the rear left panel of his car nice and good, but it didn't look like it left a dent. I secretly wished they had smashed his head like a melon.

Ten feet away, a cop tried not to notice. He was busy hassling street vendors.

The next day I stubbed my toe so hard that a 14 year-old kid in Dayton, Ohio started crying uncontrollably and had to be taken in for psychological evaluation. Sorry kid.

5 points for every attempt to finish that sentence: The next day I stubbed my toe so hard that...

3 entries max per person. Surely you can do better than the Dayton, Ohio business.

Today I (and a couple other people) fucked something up at work and it wasn't good. Big bosses found out. In fact, they were the ones that called it to my attention. I could have attempted some creative BSing and buck-passing, but I owned up. That's never a good idea. My stomach bounced and rolled and did The Hustle for about an hour, and then I moved on. There's worse things in this world than fucking up at work.

Here is a look at the field where my moustache will soon grow:

There are definitely some areas of concern. What do you think? Will it be a bumper crop or will I be reaching out for federal assistance?

Oh, and softball got frozen out. Next year will have to wait until next weekend.

Good Times Ahead

The other day when I was posting the whole "five things that determine how bearable your day job is" nonsense I think I shortchanged us all by not assigning point or percentage values to each of those things. I love making little numerical scales for all sorts of bullshit like that.

I do like keeping it simple, however. So for the Job Satisfaction Index, I will not weigh each category differently based on how important they really might be. Instead, each category will be worth 20 percentage points, bringing your maximum job total to 100 points. Once you get this total, say a 73 or whatever, you may then add plus or minus up to ten points for intangibles, those things that really cannot fit into any of the other five categories.

So here it is:
1) Good pay - maximum 20 percentage points
2) Good working environment/co-workers/bosses - maximum 20 percentage points
3) Low stress - maximum 20 percentage points
4) Fulfilling/Stimulating work - maximum 20 percentage points
5) Reasonable Hours/Time off - maximum 20 percentage points

Add those numbers numbers up and then add/subtract up to ten points for anything good or bad about your job that cannot be filed into one of the other categories (such as crsmal's "health risks").

Therefore a perfect job, like say highly-paid cheeto tester, would be like 110. Anything below 65 and you should be looking for something else. Unless you are profoundly unskilled and are lucky to even have a job.

***

Two facts that will make you feel extremely old:
1) Back to the Future came out 22 years ago.
2) Lindsay Lohan turns 47 this June.

***

The bad news in these parts is that my dad went back in the hospital after another low blood sugar episode. The good news is he's now out and he took home 100 clams for finishing second in the NCAA pool at my old job. Well done, pops. I watched the final with him in his hospital room and he let out a couple of woo-hoos when Fla. nailed big threes.One night when I was home from college on a break, let's call it 1990, a friend came over and together we consumed a bottle of vodka in about two and a half hours while sitting in my parents' living room listening to my sister's old records.

With all that booze inside us we decided it was time to go out and see if the world needed a hand with anything. We hit a couple bars, got to the point where if you knew us you would have politely excused yourself and gone home. We were obnoxious, unruly, and certain that we could do no wrong.

We finally left The Bar, bought a couple of Tall Boys to keep us company, and began walking down 3rd Avenue. We came upon a construction site and sauntered up to a rather large crane. The operator's seat was exposed, no locks or anything, so we climbed up and sat there, guzzling our beers and talking in the confident tones of drunk young men. At some point we became convinced that we should take the crane. How goddamn funny would that be? we reasoned. As we began plotting just what we might do with the crane once we figured out how to steal it (how hard could it be?), a concerned citizen came up to us and began yelling at us.

"Get out of there," he said. "I'm gonna call the cops."

I was pretty much ready to do as the guy said, but my friend yelled back, "Fuck you!"

And when you think about it, who the hell did the guy think he was, telling us not to steal a giant crane? Fucking balls on that guy. Mind your own bizznizz, boss.

The guy walked away, threatening again to call the cops, which I'm sure he did. My friend and I sat there for another minute or two, fumbling around halfheartedly for an ignition, before leaving, ON OUR TERMS.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that as I walked out of the emergency room the other night, I looked up at the crane that is being used to work on the hospital. This crane is literally like 500,000 miles tall. Literally. The point I'm getting at is that it's a very tall crane, taller even than the one we tried to steal all those years ago. And when I looked at it, its steel claw barely visible in the night sky, it came to me:

Nothing all that good would have happened if we had stolen that crane back in the day.

Imagine getting pulled over on like 57th and 6th, driving a huge stolen crane? You better have some quick excuses lined up, or you're looking at some major community service right there.

Baseball's back, I sorta care. And starting Sunday, softball's back. We all care about that. Thanks to all the fellas who came together and made it happen after a scary moment there.

Details to follow soon.

A request has been made for a GISG (rules below*). So here one is (10 GP's). Kinda easy, but we're just getting started. Also, here is a whodat (10 points). And I am thinking about having T-shirts made up for the three previous geniuses (cW, Joe M., smoker), but I can't think of a good design or slogan. I want it to include the word "verbungle" or "Hans Bungle" and some sort of proclomation of geniusitude. Like, "Verbungle Certified Genius" or some such. 25 points to anyone who can come up with one. It'll go right in the shop.

*Rules, originally printed here .
1. I will post an image, CLEARLY LINKED from this page, and that will be the image of the day.
2. Safesearch is off.
3. The goal is not just to submit a search term which brought up the image in question -- you have to guess the term my dirty little fingers actually typed into the search box, pretty much exactly as I typed it. I reserve the right to grant leeway.
4 The image must appear on the first three results pages for the search in question. I may trim that to one page if nobody gets any answers right.
5. There must be something visible in the image that makes it a logical (but not necessarily obvious) result for that particular search.
6. You can just guess shit if you want, or you can check your guesses on google before submitting them. Guess as often as you like.