28 roster moves later

Your Better-than-Zander-Hollander 2006-07 New York Knicks preview, courtesy of DLee:

Alright. We all know that the Knicks have had their romantic 70’s NY fandom image destroyed hijacked by the Checkettes, Dolan’s, Layden’s and Thomas’s of the world. Yet just as current leadership of our nation has made us borderline ashamed to acknowledge ourselves as American citizens; we must still remember that the USA at it’s greatest essence transcends the bullshit of the people who claim to represent it and blah blah blah..

Whatever.

In homage to Halloween (*and the horror show that has become the Knick franchise), I offer a breakdown of the Knicks complete with player metaphoric value correlating to humans on run during a zombie apocalypse.

Renaldo Balkman: this guy has got to be on the floor --in fact he’s already on the floor ..he just dove across the hardwood and landed on a beer vendor! A sixth-man of the year waiting to happen. He doesn’t need plays called for him to score, he rebounds like it’s his last day on earth, dribbles with purpose and has the defensive potential of a young Scottie Pippen. Zombie survivalist comparison: cool kid with keys to speedy getaway car.

Malik Rose: I saw an interview with him at a Knick summer league game. Company-man Gus Johnson comments to Cylde Frazier, “ The Knicks have an impressively deep team this year. Aside from the starting five Isaiah’s got Lee, Balkman, Nate, and Mardy. All expect to be big contributors this year.” ….interruption…Malik pipes, “Hey, what about ME??” ~’nuff said. Zombie survivalist comparison: cranky old man with shovel who tells everyone what to do.

Randolph Morris: considering he really isn’t that good at anything I don’t really know why they bothered with him. Still, he’s a big body that actually functions. That’s more than can be said for Jerome James ...but not a lot more. Zombie survivalist comparison: random JV football player who joins group and carries supplies.

Jerome James: wow. Is anyone aside from Isiah surprised how comically bad this insane financial investment turned out? It’s like watching a trust-fund baby open a high-end Ethopian restaurant in Ozone Park. It never made sense and it NEVER will. Zombie survivalist comparison: funny morbidly obese kid with broken leg who eats all food supplies when nobody is looking.

David Lee: talk about reverse racism. How is it that a guy who almost made the all-star game last year, was MVP of the rookie/soph game, is top 5 in FG% and top 5 in rebounds per minute NOT considered someone to build around. Somehow, because he’s white, David Lee has earned the dreaded “great hustle-guy” label. What a rip-off. I’d love to see some point differential stats when Lee is in the game and when not. If they gave him half a chance offensively (*baseline 15 feet from the hoop he has an excellent first step to the hoop and solid J) and 37 mins a game we’d bank on him dropping 17 ppg 13 rbs and hitting 56% from the field. It burns the shit outta me when he busts his ass to make plays and knuckleheads like Curry, Crawford and Marbury give him no props. Zombie survivalist comparison: the heroic fireman/medic stocked with morphine, a sniper rifle and blueprints to the entire town.

Nate Robinson: Probably the single biggest (*or smallest) reason to watch Knick games. Regardless of weather you think he’s an over-energized instigator..a one-note highlight reel.. a wildly unpredictable nut-job..or whatever –no matter what, he shows a passion for playing you can’t find anywhere else in the league. He was MVP of the summer league and has been killing in camp so maybe this is the year he puts it all together to do the ONE thing he has yet to show he can do at the NBA level ..be a POINT guard. I don’t know if that’ll happen (*I personally think his best future lay as a third guard version of Vinnie Johnson) but regardless it will be fascinating to watch. If only they’d get rid of Starbury so we could find out the answer. Zombie survivalist comparison: lovable crazy guy who fights 20 zombies using a samurai sword.

Mardy Collins: gotta say I didn’t really think much of him at first but he’s definitely growing on me. Plays outstanding old-school D. Potential as a lock-down perimeter defender. Also, good rebounder & passer with solid ability to finish down the middle. Part of the solution more than the problem. Zombie survivalist comparison: the nimble quiet girl who’s unafraid to go into the crawl-space with a flashlight.

Stephon Marbury: Can’t he just go finish his playing days out in Italy like he said he wanted to? Honestly Steph, the pumpkin-flower ravioli and fried artichoke in NY is nothing compared to that of Rome. Go! Don’t forget to write. Or do. ~sigh. At least Zeke has brainwashed Steph’s hoopleheaded-ass to play D a little better than he used to and not give as much of a shit about getting his number called on O. Still, waiting for his contract to end is like waiting for Bush to leave office ..it can’t happen soon enough. Zombie survivalist comparison: alcoholic town Sherriff who thinks he’s in charge because he’s got a badge and was a former prom king.

Jarred Jeffries: dear lord. What a waste of time and money. How can Isiah be so good at drafting and yet such an unbelievably bad judge of free-agent talent? Occasionally, J.J can play some D but he’s so incompetent at every other facet of the game he seems like he’s drowning in a basketball dream. Zombie survivalist comparison: the annoying lady who screams every time she sees a zombie.

Eddy Curry: I’m so sick of this fool’s gold motherfucker. Balkman blocked as many shots as him in half the minutes. Let’s not even talk about his disgraceful rebounding. How can anyone that big and talented be that inept in those areas? It defies logic! There are so many teams desperate for low-post scoring can’t we deal him off to someone? Hey, Chicago ..want him back? We’ll take Ty Thomas & Noah. Or just one of the two. Or just Nocioni. Or coach Skiles. Just take Curry –please! FYI: The Randolph/Curry experiment has as much chance for success as the glorious Marbury/Francis backcourt. Both dudes play the post on O and play the wallflower on D so the idea of playing them together ..IT WILL NEVER WORK (*see: Ethiopian restaurant in Ozone Park). Zombie survivalist comparison: giant retarded steroid-freak who carries an old WWII bazooka found in the attic.

Wilson Chandler: the rook. Looks pretty good so far I gotta say. Nice pillowy jumper. Good athlete. Seems he likes to play D (*as evidenced by amazing swat of KG shot in Boston/NY pre-season game...it didn’t count but...). Still, where does he fit in? Zombie survivalist comparison: young boy picked up on side of road that can run really fast and begs the adults to let him carry a gun.

Zach Randolph: this deal could be soooo good if four things happen: 1) Z-bo plays some semblance of defense 2) he occasionally passes out of the double-team ..I’ve yet to see it happen. 3) as opposed to hitting strip clubs and after-hour ghetto hangs with P-Diddy; he oddly befriends Woody Allen thus developing a penchant for old movies, jazz and fine dining. 4) Knicks trade Eddy Curry. Hell, if just TWO of those things happen I’ll be happy. Be sure to watch him and David Lee work the boards together. It’s an awesome sight to behold ….(cough)..trade Curry. Zombie survivalist comparison: the headstrong biker guy who’s ruthless with a sawed-off shotgun and bowie knife.

Jamal Crawford: what an enigma. Unquestionably, their best go-to player with the game on the line. Yet this streetball legend masked as an NBA player is incapable of doing anything consistently except drive batty anyone who watches him drop 33 one night then shoot 2-13 the next. Sadly, if he’s off the Knicks usually lose. If he’s on, they usually win. Simple as that. Kinda like having a drug-addict drug dealer. Zombie survivalist comparison: the hot girl who knows the cure to zombie infection but can’t remember what it is cause she bumped her head in a car crash.

Quinton Richardson: I wanna see Q, David Lee, and Zach together fighting for boards ..it’ll be like throwing bloody meat to a pack of pitbulls. Still, there are two versions of Q. The first is a hard-nosed defending, rebound machine, who hits the 3 and fires up the team. The second is a broken down guy who can only do one of those things at a time and survives solely on his veteran smarts and heart (*think young Larry Johnson vs old Larry Johnson). Let’s hope for the first ..otherwise, we may have to put homeboy out to pasture to clear way for the youngsters. Zombie survivalist comparison: the retired war vet who knows how rally the troops but keeps coughing from lung cancer he caught guarding burning oil silos in the first Gulf War.

Isiah Thomas: ..don’t even get me started. Zombie survivalist comparison: town mayor who secretly started zombie epidemic then turns out to be an actual zombie before end of the movie.

Final prediction:

Zombies rule earth before the Knicks ever win a championship.

Dust.

DLee

you left to find a better reason than the one we were living for

I just got an email titled "Enlarged Rod for Ernie," so I figured this might be a good time to tell you that I saw Bruce "Brucey" Springsteen at Madison Square Garden on Wednesday, October 17th.

I went with my old college pal BC. We saw Bruce together back in September of 1992 at the World Music Theater in Tinley Park, Illinois. We were young then-- although maybe old before our time -- and the show was pretty great. It featured an incredible final encore after the house lights had come on and half the people had left. Bruce suddenly came running out and played a hilarious version of "Working on the Highway," grabbing a fan's baseball cap and pulling it down over his forehead like a complete dork. It was unforgettable. BC and I had made our way right up to the front of the stage and had a great view of it all.

I remember that people were bungee jumping in the parking lot that night, too. It was the height of the three year heyday of bungee fever, between its sudden rise and its inevitable demise. It was an interesting time, 1992. We were already laughing at Hypercolor clothing but still hadn't thrown away our pastels or shaved our Armon Gilliam flat-tops. It was an innocent time, an exciting time to be alive. Brett Favre had just taken over as the Green Bay QB and people were using the word "Grunge" with straight faces. I'd go back in a second.

But let's face it, the bulk of the songs Bruce played that night in 1992 came off his shittiest albums of all, Human Touch and Lucky Town. A lost, hopeless period of utter crappification. I will defend Bruce to the end and I probably defended those albums then but enough time has passed that I can look at them now as the forgettable hackwork that they are. And the touring band wasn't his old cronies The E Street Band but rather a bunch of hired guns (including, I think, one of the dudes from Toto) who were kind of annoyingly professional all night. I guess I probably had a few beers and let BC make the drive back up to Madison sober while I chattered away next to him.

I saw Bruce again -- solo acoustic on the Tom Joad tour in the mid-90's, but that wasn't the experience I was looking for, either. It was cool, and me and cW ran into A. Pappas at the P & G afterwards, but it wasn't the E Street powerhouse extravaganza I'd heard so much about.

So this show fulfilled all of my Brucely desires -- although he's pushing 60, it wasn't like a big old crusty nostalgic joke or anything. The songs sounded great, Bruce was energized, hilarious, charming, goofy, and self-deprecating. There was a moment where he and Steve "Silvio" Van Zandt were exchanging parts on a guitar solo --when I thought about how great it must feel for those two guys, who've known each other for like 40 years, to still be out there, doing the one thing they love best, together, and doing it front of 20,000 people to boot.

And there I was, 15 years later, still watching him, with my same good friend. Brett Favre still playing grabass in the bars of the Fox River Valley. I would like to see what Armon Gilliam looks like right now.

LifeNotes:

-The audience at Bruce kinda bummed me out for some reason. Not their behavior, they were totally into it and supportive and dancing in the aisles and singing along when cued to do so. More their appearance. Maybe it was because I didn't have time to stop for a beer, but whatever the case I felt pretty self-conscious -- kind of ashamed to be a part of this crowd for some reason. They were dancing so poorly, and they were all so old and unattractive, and they were so unapologetically fired up about it, it made me sad. Sad for them for being so uninhibited, sadder for me for being unable to cut loose. And ashamed of being judgmental towards other people just because they were having fun. I felt like a dick but I couldn't help it.

-I liked the show a lot, but absent were all my favorite songs -- if he had played For You, Incident on 57th Street, or Atlantic City, I would have felt complete. He did do a great version of Brilliant Disguise, so I guess I can't complain.

-Best new song: Livin' In the Future. Pretty generic title and it's kinda just a slightly modified version of 10th Avenue Freeze Out but it's supercatchy and clever and it has one of the best choruses he's ever written:

Don't worry Darlin', now baby don't you fret
We're livin' in the future and none of this has happened yet


Pretty good.

-Now, more than ever before, I hate the Red Sox Nation and I resent the satisfaction they must be feeling. However, I don't really hate this particular team. I like Papelbon's ridiculous dance, I like Youkilis and Ortiz and most of the other guys aren't too offensive. I do hate Schilling, though. It would have been great to see him fail.

So fuck you, Red Sox Nation (especially for calling yourself "Red Sox Nation"). It's war next year.

-My best goes out to pbdotc as he navigates the unscheduled and unstructured world of Indefinite Hiatus. I think he's gonna like it just fine.

-The NBA's here, and I will be excited for at least 48 hours. After that, the Knicks' plodding incompetence will start to get to me. Let's all just root for Phoenix. Last weekend I played hoops with the Southern dude who does the pushups. He hadn't played in a couple of years, he said. Wouldn't you know it, the guy's a monster. All over the court, playing every aspect of the game properly and beautifully. That always gets me -- people who love basketball less than I do but are so much better at it than me. Someday I will be really good at something.

-PoCho Pete, the engagement period is always anxious, there is probably part of you that is like, WTF am I doing, get me outta here. And I would never offer advice about whether to go for it -- everybody's situation is so different. But I agree with Deion -- there is a tranquility that I have felt since getting married that I never felt beforehand. Like I am part of something and even when I screw up a little bit, I'll still be a part of it tomorrow. My only advice: go have some unprotected anonymous bathroom sex with strange men now. This is the time -- it won't get any easier. And you'll kick yourself if you miss out on it. Best of luck.

NBA Leeview

Alright you lucky bastards, Dlee has some brand new NBA Content for your sorry asses. Here goes:

If a 2007 NBA preview falls in the forest does anybody read it..? If DLee writes a detailed analysis of an NBA draft will a magic leprechaun appear and organize a b-ball fantasy league for Verbungleites? Who knows. Regardless, here’s the annual DLee NBA season/rookie report for those who still actually follow basketball and those who need a cheat-sheet for NBA small talk.

ROOKIES

1) Oden/P-land: for a smart & sweet kid he sure has been the subject of mad controversy. Seemingly overrated at one moment then looking like a freak with unlimited "upside" the next. After the NCAA final, where he dominated a front line of lottery picks, I felt it a no-brainer to take him over Durrant (*especially seeing as pure centers are rarer than a good Jewish deli ..and just as treasured if you find one). Is he a taller Ben Wallace or the second coming of Russell? I think probably more a newage Artis Gilmore. Guess we'll never know thanx to his bum knee...

2) Durant/Seattle: all the talks of him over Oden i think were mostly bunk (*even with the Oden knee issue). sure, he's got SICK offensive skillz but i watched him in summer league and his limitations in every other area looked significant. scrubs were snatching boards from him like school bullies vicking milk-money from a skinny freshman (*his D looked poor too). don't get me wrong he's a mortal lock as a top 10 scorer but guys like Oden make dynasties (*if healthy). Guys like Durant have great statistical careers, get sneaker contracts, make ESPN highlight reels, then look for guys like Oden to latch onto as retirement creeps close in hopes of a championship. upside: Bob MacAdoo downside: Rashard Lewis

3) Horford/Atlanta: wow. Atlanta has a more suspect draft record than Dick Cheney. Shit, they JUST drafted Sheldon Williams over Foye & Roy after taking Marvin Williams over Deron Williams & Paul. Now the table was set to take Conley and dispell all ghosts of the past and they take..wait for it...wait for it.....a better version of Sheldon Willliams! don't get me wrong ..i like Horford --but dear god… upside: Buck Williams downside: Sheldon Williams

4) Conley/Memphis: dat's my boy! if he develops a jumpshot he's an all-star for sure. more he totally has that vaunted ability to lead and run the show in conjunction with his outstanding talent level. A winner waiting to happen. Still, he's got a battle on his hand with Lowery to win the starting job outright. They should just put those two pitbulls in the Octagon and let the last man standing start the season opener. upside: C.P. downside: Andre Miller

5) Jeff Green: solid all around player. Does nothing amazing but everything well. Usually that's a bad sign but let's just say he does everything very well. Not a star but a nice complimentary player in the making for Durant. upside: Rodney McCray downside: Luke Walton

6) Yi/Milwaukee: red alert. red alert. Although he is talented I got a bad feeling here. first off let me touch off by saying this dude disgraced the humility of Chinese culture by having his handlers dictate which teams could draft him (*a la Steve Francis) and THEN he holds out until he got guaranteed top notch playing time. Man, I couldn't imagine being a coach and having to deal with that shit. Scenario: Milwaukee winning a tight game late in the 3rd quarter when...oppps!..gotta sit a good defensive player to get some PT for my skinny rook because as a coach –I’m contractually obligated to do so! upside: Van Horn downside: Brad Sellers

7) Corey Brewer/Minn: another boy of mine. Awesome defender with a very NBA game. The unsung glue to the Fla championships. Still, he had a bizzaro summer league where he shot insanely bad from the field but DOMINATED on the glass at 11 rebounds per game (*to put that in perspective Durrant averaged a pathetic 2.5 boards in the summer league). His O might take awhile but down the road he’s a gamer. upside: Josh Howard downside: Todd Day

8) Brandon Wright/GS: most likely bust in the lottery. He was high in draft boards then fell like a stone. i love UNC but never really liked this guy. Although the kid has some skills, overall he's skinny...he's soft....he's inconsistant..and worst of all he has no chin. weak chins are a very bad sign. Calvin Booth, Alan Henderson, Fred Weis --the list is endless. upside: Charles Smith downside: Mark Blount

9) J. Noah/Chi-town: from overrated to monster sleeper. Ultra bargain to get this guy at such a late spot. Hell, he woulda been the #1 pick 2 years ago and it’s not like he got any worse. Will he be a scoring phenom in the NBA? ..no. Will he be a fantastic glue guy who plays outstanding D, hustles for every loose ball/basket, and provides fans and teammates with an electric winning personality? ..NO DOUBT. (*and I don’t just say this cause I shared a drink with him and his INSANELY gorgeous sister at La Esquina.) upside: Rasheed Wallace (*sans jumper better attitude) downside: Anderson Varejaro

10) Spencer Hawes/Sac: “Avast, I be the ghost of big white centers with ‘fundamentals’ ..I appear in yer NBA lottery every year via shell of a new human host. My curse lay to scare all ye fans of whatever team dare draft me. Beware. Arghhh!” Hmmm. Actually, he’s a good passer and looked fairly decent for a tall whiteboy this summer –then he got hurt. Whatever. Upside: Brad Miller downside: take your pick ..it’s an all you can eat buffet of honky losers.

11) Acie Law/Atl: again, Atlanta passed on Paul, D. Williams, Foye, and Roy. Now they take the dreaded B.P.A. (*best point available). A college winner who doesn’t have any true point guard skills or outstanding talent = recipe for disaster. He’s been getting gobs of playing time in pre-season but longterm I got a bad feeling here. Upside: BJ Armstrong downside: BJ Armstrong.

12) Thaddeous Young/Philly: don’t know shit about him except he’s supposed to be athletic and a solid shooter. Upside: an athletic guy who’s pretty good. Downside: an athletic guy soon playing in Israel.

13) Julian Wright/NO: wow. I REALLY liked this guy in college. His jumper needs work but he runs the floor like a deer, passes, D’s up, jumps out the gym, and finishes on the break.. Rumor has it he’s a bit mentally lazy. We’ll see. Upside: Gerald Wallace downside: Hassan Adams

14) Al Thornton/LA Clips: never really saw him play but they say he’s a fearless scorer. That’s good if you’re a lottery talent. That soon the life of a NBA journeyman if you’re only mediocre. He lucked into a great P.T. situation with the loss of Elton Brand by the Clips. His rookie year will probably get him tons of buzz but wind up being the best year of his life. Upside: Eric Williams downside: Donald Royal

15) Rodney Stuckey/Det: never saw him play but he killed over the summer and everyone is ga-ga over his game. Talented combo guard will likely play a big role for Detroit this year and make rookie first team. Upside: Brandon Roy Downside: Aaron McKie

16) Nick Young/Wash: see Thaddeous Young.

17) Sean Williams/NJ: I usually like Rod Thorn’s moves but I dunno about this one. The guy is more of a head case than Eddie Griffin. Although he has tons of shot blocking & rebounding talent he has no offensive skills. In other words, he’s Josh Boone (*who they drafted last year) without the shitty attitude and the addiction to bong hits of hydro. Boone is better so what’s the point? Upside: poor man’s Ben Wallace downside: poor man’s Coolidge from the White Shadow.

18) Bellineli/GS: Don Nelson does it again. Everyone is abuzz about this guy. He’s got a super sweet stroke and some occasional freaky moves to boot. Tailor made for Golden State’s run and gun style. Dropped 35 in his rookie summer league debut. Still, the Warriors are deep at the swingman position. Where’s the playing time gonna come from? Look for a trade by the Warriors sometime mid-season to free up some minutes for this guy. Upside: Wally Szerbiack Downside: Brent Barry

19) Crittenton/Lakers: Okay, here come guys I mostly know jack shit about so I’ll give shorter evaluations. This guy did solid in summer play but doesn’t figure to be good enough to take Farmars job nevertheless keep Kobe from bitching about how much his team sux. Upside: Delonte West downside: whatever

20) Jason Smith/Philly: Tall white center who likes to shoot from outside. I’ve seen this movie –it’s a piece of shit. Still, Philly is sooooo depleted at the big man spots he’ll actually get a look from the fans. Don’t hold your breath. Upside: Rasho Nesterovic Downside: Alec Kessler

21) D Cook/Miami: Let’s see --Miami only has ONE good young player and that player (Wade ..duh.) plays off guard. So what does Miami do?? They draft an off guard. Even Riley gave his GMing skillz an F for this summer. Douche. upside: Mo Petterson downside: Mo Martin

22) Jared Dudley/Charl: gets the official DLee seal of approval. The type of guy that will do anything to win…who would get into a knife fight at w.4th street cause he clotheslined a showboat dickhead on the other team..who would bitch over the score until people walk off the court..who would punch his own teammate for lollygagging on D. Not the most talented dude but the type who takes all the BEST competitive attributes of a hardened street baller and elevates his team. In other words, a less talented Artest with a brain. He could easily signal a transfer of the Adam Morrison experiment. Upside: Shane Battier with street cred. Downside: Matt Barnes (*not that there’s anything wrong with that)

23) Wilson Chandler/Knicks: The only thing I don’t question about Isaiah is his evaluation of draft talent. Saw him play over the summer and he looked like he had a solid mid-range game and some good athletic skills. Still, he won’t do shit this year because the Knicks have 574 players under contract. Upside: Bobby Simmons downside: Monty Williams

24) Rudy Fernandez/P-land: Phoenix gave this guy away cause of cap reasons. Still, this dude has a good rep so that move may bite them on the ass in a couple years. Hmm. Upside: whatever downside: whatever

25) Morris Almond/Jazz: don’t know shit about him. Didn’t do shit at OG this summer. Seems like a desperate pick. Bad news for people who like Almonds. Upside: whatever downside: whatever

26) Aaron Brooks/Hou: a super speedy PG who wrecked shop in the summer league. I got a good feeling about this guy down the road but I’ve no idea how he’ll get on the floor this year seeing as Houston’s built a 3-headed Cerberus of PG dickwads (Francis, Alston, MJames). Upside: Jason Terry downside: Earl Boykins

27) Affalo/Det: solid but unspectacular. Plays D so he’ll probably hang in the league for 8 years averaging 5.3 points. Upside: Raja Bell downside: faces his future and quits to become a HS coach 3 years into career.

28) Splitter/SA: fuck! Another late steal by the Spurs that will help them down the road. This guy has a rep as a very good bigman banger. I guess he’s the reason why S.A. pointlessly gave up the rights to Luis Scola. Upside: PJ Brown downside: Jason Collins

29) A Tucker/Phoe: see Affalo.

Second rounders of note:

35) Glen “Big Baby” Davis/Bos: he’s so short and fat that I wouldn’t bank on him panning out. Still, considering his skill level and personality this is a great late pick-up. Should get ample PT from the thin Boston bench. Upside: Rodney Rogers downside: Tractor Traylor

45) Jared Jordan/Knicks via Clips: absolutely no room for him on the roster but Isaiah sees something in him and so do I. A poor man’s Steve Nash. Fantastic court vision. Needs to improve scoring and D and strength. upside: Jason Williams downside: Jacque Vaughn

53) Demitris Nichols/Knicks: again with the draft skillz! I didn’t like this guy in college but he looked incredibly polished in the summer league. Very nice jumper. Plays under control. Needs to teach the rest of the Knick guard corps something about fundamental offensive execution. If the roster wasn’t so insanely packed he’d be sure to get some run this year. Upside: Kevin Martin downside: Rashal Butler

59) DJ Strawberry/Phoe: some teams just know talent. He’s been getting raves for his D and some surprising offense. His ability to play both guard spots hasn’t hurt him either. Looks like he may yet give daddy Daryl SOMETHING to be proud of. Upside: T Ariza downside: Lindsey Hunter

Luis Scola/Houston: drafted years ago but Houston picked up his rights for a bag of magic beans. A TOTAL STEAL. He’s been giving team USA fits for years with his fundamental brilliance at PF for Argentina over the years. An incredible fit between Battier and Yao. I imagine him having a huge impact toward a winning year. Upside: Horace Grant downside: Kurt Thomas

Last..

DLee NBA 2007 predictions..

ROY: Durrant (*with Stucky, Horford, Thornton, Conley, & Scola making some noise behind him.)

MVP: LeBron (*despite the fact his team flames out early in the playoffs a la Dirk. Otherwise, TD and KG have a good shot.)

Most improved player: Bargnani (*I don’t like the whole second year player improved thing but this guy really started pouring it on late last year with his gobs of offensive potential. Louis Williams, Foye, Josh Smith, Ty Thomas and LaMarcus Aldridge also look primed for big jumps this year. Watch out!)

Most disappointing team: west/Warriors (*I got a feeling last year was kinda a fluke. If Baron gets hurt, as he always does, they’re toast) east/Heat (*without Wade this is the single worst roster I’ve EVER seen since the Ken Bannister-led NY Knicks). I also have a weird feeling Denver and/or Cleveland is going to combust for some reason. The Knicks go without saying.

Most surprising team: Memphis (*if Gasol is healthy, I get the feeling the additions of Navarro and Conley will really do them well. I’d have picked Houston but the health of Yao & T-mac is always a sketchy situation. I’d also have picked the Bulls but I don’t know if that really accounts as a surprise --that team is LOADED.)

Defensive player of the year: Duncan (*shoulda got it last year. D Howard may give him a run for the money. Gerald Wallace also deserves some props ..be sure to watch him when you can –he’s a freak.)

NBA FINAL FOUR: Bos vs Chicago and Phoe vs SA
FINAL: Chicago vs Phoe
CHAMP: Phoe (*if there’s any justice in the world ~fuckin’ David Stern.)

..dust.

-DLee

sunday fun

I am thinking that I would like to play sports or drink beer this fine Sunday. Anybody interested?

your penis is stupid

And I'm gonna prove it with my Penis IQ Test (Patent Pending).

Just follow these simple steps:

1. Make sure nobody else is home.
2. Go over to the couch and grab a loose cushion.
3. Begin humping the cushion in an exaggerated, ridiculous, completely unsexy manner.
4. As soon as the humping begins, think of a series of 5 horrible, unsexy things and linger on each one in your mind for approximately 10 seconds as you continue humping. Make them whatever you personally find most horrible and unsexy. Your list might look something like this...
-Will Ferrell's stomach
-A dead, overturned horseshoe crab being munched on by flies and beetles
-The video that PoCho Pete posted a link to last week
-Curt Schilling's unwiped anus
-The old woman in Kingpin who Woody Harrelson screws to avoid paying rent
...but it's completely up to you. You might want to write them down ahead of time so you don't forget.
5. Periodically check to see if you got a boner. You did, didn't you! Your stupid penis actually thought you were having sex. Just take a moment to understand how stupid that is. If you didn't get some kind of a boner by the 50 second mark, begin thinking about something really sexy. There, now you have a boner!
6. Tally your score. For every 10 miserable seconds you were able to go without getting a boner, your penis gets 10 IQ points. If you get to 140 seconds, your penis is a genius. Or you are impotent.

Thanks for you time and we look forward to hearing from you regarding your totals and the items on your list.

P.S. Every time I see this movie I shake my fist at the sky and curse the fact that I have a day job and will have one 'til I'm too old for anyone to hire me.

at least they don't bang interns

So the Yankee season is over. Disappointing, yes, but not surprising. It was a tough year and to be honest I take great satisfaction that they even made it to the postseason. The team's second half surge provided my pop with a lot of happiness in what has been a pretty sour year for him, and for that I am grateful. If you want to call it a rebuilding year, it would have to be considered one of the best. And certainly the most expensive.

As for the Cleveland series, well, they just beat our asses in. They made all the important plays; we fessed at every opportunity. Their dudes did what they were supposed to do; our guys crawled around like a bunch of scared little twerps and failed to produce at the important moments. It was easy for me to accept defeat as a fan because I never for a second felt like we deserved to win. I think Cleveland is a better team and proved it pretty conclusively over the four games.

The season is over and now it's time for a little post-mortem. In twenty minutes, here we go:

1. Torre -- although I disagree with a lot of what he does, I like having him as manager. He got a lot out of this screwy team. That said, it's time for him to go. He's pushing 70, he doesn't need to listen to any more shit from the press or Steinbrenner or Kenny Lofton (who, like most of us, is far more irritating without a moustache). He should retire with dignity and let somebody else clean up the mess.

2. Jeter -- he kind of crapped his pants in the postseason after a typically solid Jeter year. He's starting to show some wear and tear, he hasn't reached a ball more than five feet in either direction of where he's standing in about six years, and he may have given Jessica Alba herpes. I'm kind of over him.

3. Bernie -- oh shit what happened to Bernie?

4. Giambi -- rarely hits the ball. Cannot catch the ball. Don't even think about asking him to throw the ball. Not worth the trouble. Wait, is he still under contract next year?

5. Kevin Brown -- should stay out of town if he knows what's good for him.

6. Posada -- he must have taken some -- ahem -- contract-year steps to improve his performance in his mid-30s, and they paid off. Huge year at the plate but his defense continues to decline. He is a catcher in name only -- he can't block pitches in the dirt, he doesn't relate well to pitchers, he doesn't position himself correctly on plays at the plate. He throws OK once in a while but he really should be DHing somewhere next year. I'd be happy with him as our DH but not at the price he'll want.

7. Melky -- fell apart at the end of the year but I think he's going to be very good. It's nice having a CF who can throw for the first time since...I was a fan?

8. Cano -- still a little cocky but he can hit. I predict a .330 season next year. Needs to get his body in front of hard hit grounders instead of trying to stab them with his glove.

9. A-Rod -- if he goes, we'll need to sign like three guys to replace him, and that might actually be a worthwhile financial decision if that's how we go. Still, he was incredible this season. He was 80% of why we made the postseason. I don't love him but I like 54 HR's. And we share a fondness for female bodybuilders.

10. Matsui -- pretty good. Not great. Kind of goofy. Likes porn.

11. Damon -- came alive after a crappy, injury-filled year. He's getting older but I like him a lot, especially in LF. He seems like he'd be fun to play with. Needs to hit .300 next year, preferably with a Munsonesque Moustache.

12. Farnsworth -- more like Farnsworthless. Ha!

13. Mariano -- definitely not what he was a few years ago but Cleveland still wasn't able to hurt him in the postseason. Another tough decision -- worth bringing back but not for the amount of money he'll probably get. He gets my vote for greatest Yankee since 1970.

14. Wang -- he's pretty good but that postseason was inexcusably atrocious. He'd be a fine number 2 starter. In fact, he pitched like number 2 tonight.

15. Moose -- cut the Moose loose. I like him but it's really hard to watch him pitch. He'd be a good addition the booth.

16. Joba -- as far as the starter/reliever debate goes, I fall on the side of whatever will make a devastating arm injury less likely. Probably closer. The kid is so perfect that I can't help but think something really bad is gonna happen to him -- he has arm and weight problems in his past, too. I think he will be shut down next August.

17. Hughes -- a solid start to his career. I think he'll be our #3 next year and win around 15 games.

18. Pettitte -- a good signing and I think he's got a couple years left. But not a #1 unless he juices.

19. Clemens -- how stoopid does Suzyn Waldman feel now?

20. Abreu -- I am torn between appreciating his patience, defense and speed and wondering why the hell he only hits .280 with 16 HR's. He's a very nice player stuck in a franchise player's body.

21. Cashman -- although he kind of left us without a reliable pitching staff this year, I am happy he didn't get rid of the young dudes to get a big name. Clemens was a huge whiff, but I guess it's just money.

Overall I'm looking forward to next year but I'm feeling sad to see this year's team go so quietly. And the thought of a Boston championship makes me want to lay in bed with the covers over my head.

kid 'n play

Sometimes I miss going out. Not always, but definitely on crisp early fall evenings when even New York City smells and feels like the Midwest on a football Saturday.

Nick S. was in town this weekend and he and PBdotC and company went and drank down a few over in the East Village. I was invited. But I got home at like 11, collapsed in a heap and dreamed fucked up dreams about work and dying and maybe a little bit about my lost moustache. I missed the bar.

I miss the bar.

Aside: a guy stood up during the Colorado-San Diego tiebreaker game tonight and he had a shirt on with huge-ass letters going down the side:

A
B
E
R
C
R
O
M
B
I
E

I didn't hate him or nothin'...but I thought to myself, man, that guy and me could never, ever be friends. Like if he was my friend and he bought that shirt, even if he had a pretty good reason, I would probably have to stop being friends with him. That would be it: the proverbial letter to Urkel* certifying the end of our relationship as humans.

End of aside.

Anyway, I miss going out so much sometimes. Maybe it's 'cause I'm feeling old; I just got the invite to my 20 year HS reunion this weekend (anybody going?). Maybe it's 'cause going out is fun as hell.

The Bar, sure. But The House Party, oh The House Party. That's what it's all about. You're never more alive than when you're at The House Party. The only limits on your good time are your imagination and your ability to inspire stupidity in others. And eventually the unwelcome arrival of the morning sun with its sack of daggers.

I hopped out of a cab that night, the night I almost made it out to the bar, and there were like seven young people spilling loudly out of the apartment building next to mine. They were drunk but they were gonna get drunker.

"Where is it again?" one of them asked.

"14th and 7th," another answered.

Two cabs lined up perfectly for them like chariots and since they were young and drunk and getting drunker they didn't even take the time to appreciate how good they had it. There were like four dudes and three girls and you knew that meant one of the dudes was gonna end up being the extra dude at 4 in the morning and they probably already knew who he was but it was 11 o'clock and the night stretched out ahead of them like a water slide full of possibilities and who had time to be lonely or angry when The House Party was already in full swing on 14th and 7th?

They knew that 4 in the morning was still a ways off. And even though they were young they already knew a lot of the many things that can change between now and then.

I miss The House Party. I miss the moment where you walk in and you look around and half-wonder if it's gonna be lame while knowing damn well in the back of your mind that the only way it's gonna be lame is if you let it be lame and there's no way that'll happen. I miss glaring at the asshole in the corner who thinks he's really funny. I miss being that asshole. I miss losing my beer cup, giving up and grabbing another. I miss meeting new people and trying to entertain them with my tired old stories. I miss discovering pearls of Midwestern wisdom like, "Johnson, Party of One" and "I don't drink anymore...I don't drink any less..." and "I wish I had a horse's cock...instead of this big thing." I miss girls chewing tobacco and guys on crutches with crazy stories and I even miss the fear accompanying the moment when you realize you've pissed off an NFL offensive lineman. I miss lying about who I am to strangers for no reason and fake New Year's Eve countdowns at 11:47 and beating the same joke senselessly into the ground until you're the only one who still thinks it's funny.

I miss the beer and the conversations screamed into each other's ears, as private as whispers. The crappy songs and the fight over the stereo and the guy who lives there eventually telling you you gotta go man. And I miss the triumph of talking yourself back in.

* This reference is to an underrated SNL skit from the mid-90s in which a bunch of office workers sneak into their co-worker's empty apartment to give him a surprise party. When they get there, they find all sorts of creepy shit in his pad, including a blowup sex doll with the face of his female co-worker attached to it, and a fan letter the dude was apparently preparing to send to Urkel. They are so repulsed by the stuff they find that they decide to leave. Just as they are about to walk out the door, the guy comes home and is excited to see his friends. They insist on leaving, but he won't hear it. He's all, "Come on, guys, hang around," and they are like, "Nah, man...this is weird," but he keeps insisting they stay until one of them finally grabs him and says, "Look, we found your letter to Urkel." The guy still looks unconvinced, so the dude shakes him again and says, with immacculate comic timing, "We FOUND...your LETTER...to URKEL." As in, the jig is up. please never speak to any of us again, don't you fucking understand? Does anyone remember this sketch? I can find no mention of it on the internets. It was funny. Nearly as funny and underappreciated as "Connie Stinson Talks"-- which is now, finally, gloriously, likely temporarily, available on YouTube.