NBA LUNCH MENU
By dlee
Alright, y’all.
It’s basically halftime in the NBA season and we’ve had one of the most delicious trade deadlines in history. Speaking of delicious, the roster moves kind of reminded me of my PS41 lunchtimes where kids haphazardly haggled food they didn’t want amongst each other in an attempt to “trade up”. Figuring who got the best deal was rather a tough task. After all, it was ...food. That said, I’ve come up some tasty gastronomical metaphors for judging the NBA trade madness.
LAKERS/MEMPHIS
Jarvis Crittenton = 5 pork-fried dumplings
Kwame Brown = 3-day old lobster bisque
Marc Gasol = packet of paella spice mix
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Aaron McKie = an old shoe
Pau Gasol = a big pot of mouth-watering paella
Translation: insanely lopsided deal. Odom plays better when he’s less relied upon and once Bynum comes back I don’t really see how you beat this squad. Ponder a legit 6’10, 6’11’ & 7’0” front line along with a play-off tested Fisher, a good bunch of guys off the bench who know their roles (Walton, Turiaf, Farmar), Phil Jackson as coach, and some guy named Kobe …ouuuuch.
DALLAS/NETS
Jason Kidd = plate of next day Thanksgiving fixin’s (*sans cranberry sauce)
Malik Allen = carrot sticks
Devin Harris = pastrami sandwich
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Trenton Hassell = sesame breadstick
Dsangana Diop = side salad
Maurice Ager = half eaten fruit roll-up
Keith Van Horn = lucky pile of dog-shit
Translation: Akin the Ray Allen Boston deal, this deal smells of desperation on the part of Dallas without a complimentary blockbuster deal to bring in a big man. To put it in perspective, Eric Dampier now becomes a crucial component in Dallas’ future success. Again, put “Dampier”, “crucial” and “future success” in the same sentence --most people tend to vomit in their mouth.
CHICAGO/SEATTLE/CLEVELAND
Ben Wallace = greasy over-priced cheeseburger from Old Homestead
Joe Smith = side plate of escarole with garlic
DeLonte West = basket of table bread
Wally Szerbiak = day-old canoli
Larry Hughes = whole grilled Chilean Sea Bass …overcooked for a full hour.
Drew Gooden = cold french fries
Shannon Brown = an olive
Cedric Simmons = an olive pit
Translation: LaBron is so good this move may have merit simply because adding a solid defensive point like D.West, a shooter like Wally, an old school power like Joe Smith, and a motivated Ben Wallace might be enough to get them back in the Finals. Hell, just getting rid of Hughes is amazing in itself. Speaking of which, Hughes fits in on Chicago about as well as.. (*insert any Knick personnel transaction in last 3 years).
PHOENIX/MIAMI
Shawn Marion = deluxe sushi platter
Shaq = porterhouse steak with tons of glutinous fat all over it
Translation: This may go down in history as one of the saddest trades ever made. The whole essence of Phoenix just flew out the window. Name ONE aspect of the game Shaq currently does better than Marion. Shaq’s new nickname should be “The Big Rigor Mortis” ..it’s that bad. If I look into my crystal ball I see Miami landing Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose in next years draft and quickly turning things around. I also see a Phoenix future with Shaq riding the bench because D’Antoni soon realizes A GIANT OLD FATSO WHO CAN’T RUN OR HIT FREE THROWS DOESN”T BELONG IN A RUN & GUN SYSTEM.
New play-offs prediction:
Boston vs Detroit (*bold, I know.)
Spurs vs Lakers (*assuming Kobe healthy)
Finals:
Detroit (*although, lamely rooting for Celts) vs Lakers
FINAL PREDICTION:
Lakers champs ..Knicks chumps.
Smell ya later.
dlee
BONUS MATERIAL:
MVP = I chose LaBron James as my pre-season pick and I likely gotta stick by it.
True, KG represents everything a MVP should be from a non-statistical standpoint
but the Cavs couldn’t beat Washington Generals without James. He’s carrying so much weight his new nickname should be “drug mule” (*doubt Nike & David Stern jumping on that marketing campaign).
R.O.Y. = Man, Charles Barkley really laid into Durant at the rookie game over all-star weekend. Gotta say he was mostly on point in blasting KD’s lack of overall game shown this year. Still, I chose Durant in pre-season and gotta stick by it though Horford and Scola are playing better all around team ball. Props to Sean Williams and Jamario Moon for good D as well. Sidebar: San Antonio would likely have won it all this year if they hadn’t traded the rights to Scola. That guy is a winner for a reason ---as Houston now knows.
Most Improved = I picked Bargani pre-season. Pondering that: to quote Dean Sockwell in Married to the Mob seconds before he shot Alec Baldwin to death, “~you disappointed the SHIT outta me.” Andrea, you soft bitch ..get in the goddamn paint or die! That said, barring second year players like Aldridge, Brewer, and Gay I’d have to say the contest is between Calderon, Kaman, Howard and Hedo Turkoglo. Hmm..Howard woulda had it if he keep playing like he did the first 20 games of the season but regressed..Calderon was always good but underused, so I don’t know if that’s improvement….Kaman owes most of his fat numbers to the absence of Brand... sooo, I give it to Turkoglo. Never have I seen a talented guy finally live up to his potential this late in his career. Bargani better not wait as long as Hedo to turn shot around or I’ll personally kick his ass. (*yes, he’s THAT soft)
Coach of the Year = Nate McMillan/P-land. Compare the roster and salaries of the Knicks to that of the Blazers ..then compare win-loss records. Wild. There are some
folk (*name rhymes with Biziah Fhomas) in the NBA who worship stats and flashes
of potential and some who worship chemistry, consistency and hard-work. Pop quiz: guess which one actually wins games…
Defensive Player of the Year: I chose TD and while that’s still a fine pick I now gotta go with KG. Case in point: you know the way Nash got a lotta MVP votes for making those around him better and defining his teams identity? That’s what KG has done defensively for the Celts. Statistically, his numbers may not compare to a guy like Camby or Howard but KG’s made his whole team play D with his level of intensity. One look at Denver and Orlando and you know that ain’t the same case.
Alright, y’all.
It’s basically halftime in the NBA season and we’ve had one of the most delicious trade deadlines in history. Speaking of delicious, the roster moves kind of reminded me of my PS41 lunchtimes where kids haphazardly haggled food they didn’t want amongst each other in an attempt to “trade up”. Figuring who got the best deal was rather a tough task. After all, it was ...food. That said, I’ve come up some tasty gastronomical metaphors for judging the NBA trade madness.
LAKERS/MEMPHIS
Jarvis Crittenton = 5 pork-fried dumplings
Kwame Brown = 3-day old lobster bisque
Marc Gasol = packet of paella spice mix
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Aaron McKie = an old shoe
Pau Gasol = a big pot of mouth-watering paella
Translation: insanely lopsided deal. Odom plays better when he’s less relied upon and once Bynum comes back I don’t really see how you beat this squad. Ponder a legit 6’10, 6’11’ & 7’0” front line along with a play-off tested Fisher, a good bunch of guys off the bench who know their roles (Walton, Turiaf, Farmar), Phil Jackson as coach, and some guy named Kobe …ouuuuch.
DALLAS/NETS
Jason Kidd = plate of next day Thanksgiving fixin’s (*sans cranberry sauce)
Malik Allen = carrot sticks
Devin Harris = pastrami sandwich
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Trenton Hassell = sesame breadstick
Dsangana Diop = side salad
Maurice Ager = half eaten fruit roll-up
Keith Van Horn = lucky pile of dog-shit
Translation: Akin the Ray Allen Boston deal, this deal smells of desperation on the part of Dallas without a complimentary blockbuster deal to bring in a big man. To put it in perspective, Eric Dampier now becomes a crucial component in Dallas’ future success. Again, put “Dampier”, “crucial” and “future success” in the same sentence --most people tend to vomit in their mouth.
CHICAGO/SEATTLE/CLEVELAND
Ben Wallace = greasy over-priced cheeseburger from Old Homestead
Joe Smith = side plate of escarole with garlic
DeLonte West = basket of table bread
Wally Szerbiak = day-old canoli
Larry Hughes = whole grilled Chilean Sea Bass …overcooked for a full hour.
Drew Gooden = cold french fries
Shannon Brown = an olive
Cedric Simmons = an olive pit
Translation: LaBron is so good this move may have merit simply because adding a solid defensive point like D.West, a shooter like Wally, an old school power like Joe Smith, and a motivated Ben Wallace might be enough to get them back in the Finals. Hell, just getting rid of Hughes is amazing in itself. Speaking of which, Hughes fits in on Chicago about as well as.. (*insert any Knick personnel transaction in last 3 years).
PHOENIX/MIAMI
Shawn Marion = deluxe sushi platter
Shaq = porterhouse steak with tons of glutinous fat all over it
Translation: This may go down in history as one of the saddest trades ever made. The whole essence of Phoenix just flew out the window. Name ONE aspect of the game Shaq currently does better than Marion. Shaq’s new nickname should be “The Big Rigor Mortis” ..it’s that bad. If I look into my crystal ball I see Miami landing Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose in next years draft and quickly turning things around. I also see a Phoenix future with Shaq riding the bench because D’Antoni soon realizes A GIANT OLD FATSO WHO CAN’T RUN OR HIT FREE THROWS DOESN”T BELONG IN A RUN & GUN SYSTEM.
New play-offs prediction:
Boston vs Detroit (*bold, I know.)
Spurs vs Lakers (*assuming Kobe healthy)
Finals:
Detroit (*although, lamely rooting for Celts) vs Lakers
FINAL PREDICTION:
Lakers champs ..Knicks chumps.
Smell ya later.
dlee
BONUS MATERIAL:
MVP = I chose LaBron James as my pre-season pick and I likely gotta stick by it.
True, KG represents everything a MVP should be from a non-statistical standpoint
but the Cavs couldn’t beat Washington Generals without James. He’s carrying so much weight his new nickname should be “drug mule” (*doubt Nike & David Stern jumping on that marketing campaign).
R.O.Y. = Man, Charles Barkley really laid into Durant at the rookie game over all-star weekend. Gotta say he was mostly on point in blasting KD’s lack of overall game shown this year. Still, I chose Durant in pre-season and gotta stick by it though Horford and Scola are playing better all around team ball. Props to Sean Williams and Jamario Moon for good D as well. Sidebar: San Antonio would likely have won it all this year if they hadn’t traded the rights to Scola. That guy is a winner for a reason ---as Houston now knows.
Most Improved = I picked Bargani pre-season. Pondering that: to quote Dean Sockwell in Married to the Mob seconds before he shot Alec Baldwin to death, “~you disappointed the SHIT outta me.” Andrea, you soft bitch ..get in the goddamn paint or die! That said, barring second year players like Aldridge, Brewer, and Gay I’d have to say the contest is between Calderon, Kaman, Howard and Hedo Turkoglo. Hmm..Howard woulda had it if he keep playing like he did the first 20 games of the season but regressed..Calderon was always good but underused, so I don’t know if that’s improvement….Kaman owes most of his fat numbers to the absence of Brand... sooo, I give it to Turkoglo. Never have I seen a talented guy finally live up to his potential this late in his career. Bargani better not wait as long as Hedo to turn shot around or I’ll personally kick his ass. (*yes, he’s THAT soft)
Coach of the Year = Nate McMillan/P-land. Compare the roster and salaries of the Knicks to that of the Blazers ..then compare win-loss records. Wild. There are some
folk (*name rhymes with Biziah Fhomas) in the NBA who worship stats and flashes
of potential and some who worship chemistry, consistency and hard-work. Pop quiz: guess which one actually wins games…
Defensive Player of the Year: I chose TD and while that’s still a fine pick I now gotta go with KG. Case in point: you know the way Nash got a lotta MVP votes for making those around him better and defining his teams identity? That’s what KG has done defensively for the Celts. Statistically, his numbers may not compare to a guy like Camby or Howard but KG’s made his whole team play D with his level of intensity. One look at Denver and Orlando and you know that ain’t the same case.
posted by hans q. bungle at 08:32
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