IAQ part II
Q: Since you are a weepy little vegetarian puss-boy, I wonder: have you ever killed something? You might like it.
A: I don't like killing. I don't like dying. I don't like jokes about death. I don't like suffering. I believe most animals suffer in some way when they are killed. It's all bad.
That said, I have killed. I went fishing once. I caught like 5 fish. We threw 'em on some ice; I don't remember the rest but can only presume they later died. That one's on me, li'l fishes. Oh, and I accidentally stepped on my pet gerbil McIntosh when I was 6 years old, causing it to writhe spasmodically across the linoleum kitchen floor of our rented summer house, coughing up blood. It died a few minutes later, so we buried it in the backyard. When we visited the gravesite later that day it was swarming with ants.
Maybe that had an impact on me.
I did kill a mongo fucking waterbug thing at my mom's house last weekend. Not proud of it, but not feeling guilty either. It had to die. To me, insects are below the mercy line. It's not that I think they are too stupid to have feelings -- I have seen roaches scurry for their lives. It's more that I hate them and consider them the enemy.
Q: Do you like cabbies who go real fast, real slow, or somewhere in the middle?
A: Generally, real fast. I appreciate the effort to get me there quickly. However, I had a cabbie the other day who was lurching in and out of traffic so violently that it actually made me a little queasy. I was amazed he didn't bang into anything. He may never have an accident, but if he does, it'll be an ugly one.
Q: What's your take on those Heineken mini-kegs? I'm thinking about getting one this weekend.
A: Look, go get the mini-keg. They're pretty adorable. But be warned: it is not going to accommodate a large crowd. Or even a small crowd. Or even a poker game. It's like 12 beers. BJL, Joe Monkeyweb and I put one away during the Jets game a couple of weeks ago and it barely made a scratch in my sobriety.
12 beers. When I was a young man that was half a night. I remember showing up at parties with a couple of forties, partly trying to be different and willfully uncool, but partly also thinking, I'm gonna drink me 80 ounces of beer, EASY. And sure enough, I would. Then I'd steal somebody else's beer the rest of the night. Then everything would be so so good for a short while.
What I'm getting at is, if you are going to a snooty get-together this weekend, bring a mini-keg. FOR YOURSELF. Write your name on it in sharpie and ask that everyone refrain from touching it. You will win.
Q: How are you coping with the Yankees, well, you know, no jugarán en Octubre?
A: Reading a lot of SLAM magazine. Glaring at the squirrels. Sipping coldies when the bosses punch out. Revelling in Clemens's weird Stadium snub disappointment. Working like a dog. Rocking out to that old familiar love song. Mentally high-fiving myself for no reason. And, of course, thinking back on that crazy night at Jon's house when you, me, and Jimmy all paid $5.50 for Chinese food and Rolling Rocks.
Q: So you got your Hold Steady ticket. Who's going, and where are we meeting up beforehand?
A: Let's get a list. Pete, you in? BJL? I know Mike D. Hunt and his pal Finn will be there, fresh from Minneapolis. The show's all the way on the westside so maybe we should meet in midtown and then head over. Are you familiar with the phrase "Jimmy's Neutral Corner"? Just a thought.
Q: Say you got in a horrible accident, and all that was left of you was like a toenail, an ear, an eye, various digestive parts, and a brain. You couldn't talk, you couldn't move or communicate, you were just a sad thing in a bed. Would you want to keep living like this?
A: Yes. Every second on this sweet earth is an undeserved gift from the great mysterious whoknowswhat, and as long as I can think and sense in some way what is going on around me, I will accept the gift humbly.
To be clear: this is not to say I don't like KitKats and blowjobs.
Q: OK, say I'm having a post-bar extravaganza at my apartment and I have a magic music machine that has all the music in the world on it. As usual, you are the drunkest one there and, with only like 5 people left in the room, you decide you are now officially DJ. You badly need to inflict your taste on everyone else.What nine songs can you not resist playing, despite the fact that they are not necessarily party songs and everybody else is tired of them because you did the same thing at the last extravaganza?
A: at the moment:
-I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man
-Debris
-I Will Dare
-Incident on 57th Street
-Central Reservation
-Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues
-Monkey Gone to Heaven
-for fun, Laid
-then I'll let you pick one. Wait, not that crap.
Q: How do we get more IAQ's?
A: Send in some legit Q's.
A: I don't like killing. I don't like dying. I don't like jokes about death. I don't like suffering. I believe most animals suffer in some way when they are killed. It's all bad.
That said, I have killed. I went fishing once. I caught like 5 fish. We threw 'em on some ice; I don't remember the rest but can only presume they later died. That one's on me, li'l fishes. Oh, and I accidentally stepped on my pet gerbil McIntosh when I was 6 years old, causing it to writhe spasmodically across the linoleum kitchen floor of our rented summer house, coughing up blood. It died a few minutes later, so we buried it in the backyard. When we visited the gravesite later that day it was swarming with ants.
Maybe that had an impact on me.
I did kill a mongo fucking waterbug thing at my mom's house last weekend. Not proud of it, but not feeling guilty either. It had to die. To me, insects are below the mercy line. It's not that I think they are too stupid to have feelings -- I have seen roaches scurry for their lives. It's more that I hate them and consider them the enemy.
Q: Do you like cabbies who go real fast, real slow, or somewhere in the middle?
A: Generally, real fast. I appreciate the effort to get me there quickly. However, I had a cabbie the other day who was lurching in and out of traffic so violently that it actually made me a little queasy. I was amazed he didn't bang into anything. He may never have an accident, but if he does, it'll be an ugly one.
Q: What's your take on those Heineken mini-kegs? I'm thinking about getting one this weekend.
A: Look, go get the mini-keg. They're pretty adorable. But be warned: it is not going to accommodate a large crowd. Or even a small crowd. Or even a poker game. It's like 12 beers. BJL, Joe Monkeyweb and I put one away during the Jets game a couple of weeks ago and it barely made a scratch in my sobriety.
12 beers. When I was a young man that was half a night. I remember showing up at parties with a couple of forties, partly trying to be different and willfully uncool, but partly also thinking, I'm gonna drink me 80 ounces of beer, EASY. And sure enough, I would. Then I'd steal somebody else's beer the rest of the night. Then everything would be so so good for a short while.
What I'm getting at is, if you are going to a snooty get-together this weekend, bring a mini-keg. FOR YOURSELF. Write your name on it in sharpie and ask that everyone refrain from touching it. You will win.
Q: How are you coping with the Yankees, well, you know, no jugarán en Octubre?
A: Reading a lot of SLAM magazine. Glaring at the squirrels. Sipping coldies when the bosses punch out. Revelling in Clemens's weird Stadium snub disappointment. Working like a dog. Rocking out to that old familiar love song. Mentally high-fiving myself for no reason. And, of course, thinking back on that crazy night at Jon's house when you, me, and Jimmy all paid $5.50 for Chinese food and Rolling Rocks.
Q: So you got your Hold Steady ticket. Who's going, and where are we meeting up beforehand?
A: Let's get a list. Pete, you in? BJL? I know Mike D. Hunt and his pal Finn will be there, fresh from Minneapolis. The show's all the way on the westside so maybe we should meet in midtown and then head over. Are you familiar with the phrase "Jimmy's Neutral Corner"? Just a thought.
Q: Say you got in a horrible accident, and all that was left of you was like a toenail, an ear, an eye, various digestive parts, and a brain. You couldn't talk, you couldn't move or communicate, you were just a sad thing in a bed. Would you want to keep living like this?
A: Yes. Every second on this sweet earth is an undeserved gift from the great mysterious whoknowswhat, and as long as I can think and sense in some way what is going on around me, I will accept the gift humbly.
To be clear: this is not to say I don't like KitKats and blowjobs.
Q: OK, say I'm having a post-bar extravaganza at my apartment and I have a magic music machine that has all the music in the world on it. As usual, you are the drunkest one there and, with only like 5 people left in the room, you decide you are now officially DJ. You badly need to inflict your taste on everyone else.What nine songs can you not resist playing, despite the fact that they are not necessarily party songs and everybody else is tired of them because you did the same thing at the last extravaganza?
A: at the moment:
-I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man
-Debris
-I Will Dare
-Incident on 57th Street
-Central Reservation
-Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues
-Monkey Gone to Heaven
-for fun, Laid
-then I'll let you pick one. Wait, not that crap.
Q: How do we get more IAQ's?
A: Send in some legit Q's.
Labels: IAQ
posted by hans q. bungle at 01:20
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