12 indelible elementary school memories

1. Kindergarten, sometime in 1974 or 1975: a kid with behavior problems named Everett climbs on top of a water fountain in the little-kid schoolyard, screaming obscenities and warning everyone to stand back. When a teacher gets too close, Everett puts his fist through a closed window. Blood everywhere.

2. 3rd grade, approximately 1977: while horsing around with my pal Kissel, I bend the tail of my stegosaurus doll back underneath its body like a penis. We laugh. Then Kissel quickly gets the teacher's attention, saying, "Mrs. Levy, look what Hans is doing!" She replies: "Hans, I'm surprised at you." My status as fair-haired prize pupil is temporarily surrendered.

3. 3rd grade: the class is having a contest in which kids say a particular "times table" as quickly as possible. As in, "o-5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40-45-50!" Like a high jumper passing on an early height he knows he can make, I wait through the 5's, 10's, 4's, etc. and raise my hand for the 9's. Nobody else wants to tackle it. I explode with 0-9-18-27-36-45-54-63-72-81-90 in approximately 2.2 seconds, a world record that still stands today.

4. 3rd grade: in a spelling bee, I make it to the final two in class, squaring off against Darcy M. for the crown. I lose, on the word "government." I somehow did not know about the first "n", and my dreams die with a sad, phonetic, and ultimately ridiculous "g-o-v-e-r-m-e-n-t." I make an internal promise never to spell goverment wrong again, a vow I have kept to this day.

P.S. Darcy, if you're out there, I'm ready for you. Rematch time. You name the place.

5. 3rd grade: Ali H., a huge immigrant kid from Lebanon, has been having trouble fitting in. His English is so-so, and he's big and fat and prone to emotional outbursts and hitting. One day, as our class walks down the school stairs, my friend (Name Withheld) sticks a piece of bubble gum on the waistband of Ali's underpants, which are protruding above his pants. Ali doesn't notice. Name Withheld and I share an evil little kid laugh at Ali's expense. The next day we look and his underwear is showing again - with a little mark where he (and his parents, probably) had pried the gum loose. We laugh again. Evil. The whole cruel little episode haunts me still.

6. 3rd grade again: I am walking home from school alone at age 8. (This seems like questionable judgment to me now but seemed fine at the time, even though I got mugged a few times and hassled on a regular basis.) I stop to pet a dog (German Shepherd?) leashed to the awning of the Bagel Buffet on 6th avenue and 8th street. The dog leaps up and bites my face. Blood all over the place again, dripping down my arms, all over my clothes. I stumble home the remaining two blocks. A woman gives me a tissue out of her wallet. It helps a little.
7. 4th grade, ca. 1978: after my friend John B. and I both admit we have a crush on the same girl (Andes V.), I get up the guts to ask her out. We go on a date, with both of our moms along for the ride. We go to some mansiony museum place outside the city, and it pours all day. Somehow we end up back at her apartment, and my mom leaves, allowing me to spend the night! I take off my wet clothes and put on one of her nightgowns. We stay up late talking and eventually admit we "like like" each other. My heart nearly bursts. We discuss "how far we'd like to go" with each other. We both agree: 2nd base, french kissing. She tells me that her friend also likes me and is willing to go farther (3rd base: finger-fucking!). I am intimidated by all of this talk and nothing happens. We "go out" for like 4 months, but I am too scared to even kiss her.

22 years later, I google her for the hell of it. She has written a short story that has won some kind of award (or maybe at least got published). I can only assume that she was able to channel her unrequited little girl desire for me into a successful writing career. I wonder why she has not yet thanked me, but figure that's just how it is. Around that same time (2000-2001), I astonish and repulse a group of people I have just been introduced to in a bar with a long monologue about the term "finger-fucking." I think it's hilarious; it probably is not.

8. 5th grade, 1980: I am sitting outside of my class talking with two girls and another boy about "how far we'd go" with a member of the opposite sex. I learn that one of our class studs has already received his first blowjob! At this point in my life I have still not even kissed a girl. Tanya G., a girl who will later maul me during a round of Run, Catch, and Kiss in the schoolyard, claims that she is not ready for sex because her mom has warned her about V.D. We are ten years old, and I have no idea what she is talking about.

9. 5th grade: a tiny girl named Elizabeth N. invites me to her birthday party. At the party, we find ourselves alone in her room and she tells me she has a crush on me. I want to kiss her but again I am too scared. Perhaps of V.D.

10. 5th grade: I hit 6 consecutive (underhand) free throws in gym class. I have never played basketball before, and won't again for about four years, but the feeling of seeing the ball going in the basket resonates inside me somewhere, thrills me way more than it should. And it still does.

11. 5th grade: I am elected class president in a landslide victory over the 2 class studs (including the Hummer King). The final tally is like 21-2-2. After big campaign promises, I lose interest and do nothing. My administration is marked by a complete lack of progress on all fronts.

12. 5th grade: for reasons still unknown to me, I refuse to participate in our class's graduation song performance, Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now by McFadden & Whitehead. I don't know why (maybe because I think I am supposed to prefer Rock in the Rock vs. Disco wars?), but I sit it out, a last misguided gesture to cap off my final year in elementary school.