NBA LUNCH MENU

By dlee

Alright, y’all.

It’s basically halftime in the NBA season and we’ve had one of the most delicious trade deadlines in history. Speaking of delicious, the roster moves kind of reminded me of my PS41 lunchtimes where kids haphazardly haggled food they didn’t want amongst each other in an attempt to “trade up”. Figuring who got the best deal was rather a tough task. After all, it was ...food. That said, I’ve come up some tasty gastronomical metaphors for judging the NBA trade madness.

LAKERS/MEMPHIS

Jarvis Crittenton = 5 pork-fried dumplings
Kwame Brown = 3-day old lobster bisque
Marc Gasol = packet of paella spice mix
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Aaron McKie = an old shoe

Pau Gasol = a big pot of mouth-watering paella

Translation: insanely lopsided deal. Odom plays better when he’s less relied upon and once Bynum comes back I don’t really see how you beat this squad. Ponder a legit 6’10, 6’11’ & 7’0” front line along with a play-off tested Fisher, a good bunch of guys off the bench who know their roles (Walton, Turiaf, Farmar), Phil Jackson as coach, and some guy named Kobe …ouuuuch.

DALLAS/NETS

Jason Kidd = plate of next day Thanksgiving fixin’s (*sans cranberry sauce)
Malik Allen = carrot sticks

Devin Harris = pastrami sandwich
Two 1st rounders = 2 coupons for free Snapple
Trenton Hassell = sesame breadstick
Dsangana Diop = side salad
Maurice Ager = half eaten fruit roll-up
Keith Van Horn = lucky pile of dog-shit

Translation: Akin the Ray Allen Boston deal, this deal smells of desperation on the part of Dallas without a complimentary blockbuster deal to bring in a big man. To put it in perspective, Eric Dampier now becomes a crucial component in Dallas’ future success. Again, put “Dampier”, “crucial” and “future success” in the same sentence --most people tend to vomit in their mouth.


CHICAGO/SEATTLE/CLEVELAND

Ben Wallace = greasy over-priced cheeseburger from Old Homestead
Joe Smith = side plate of escarole with garlic
DeLonte West = basket of table bread
Wally Szerbiak = day-old canoli

Larry Hughes = whole grilled Chilean Sea Bass …overcooked for a full hour.
Drew Gooden = cold french fries
Shannon Brown = an olive
Cedric Simmons = an olive pit

Translation: LaBron is so good this move may have merit simply because adding a solid defensive point like D.West, a shooter like Wally, an old school power like Joe Smith, and a motivated Ben Wallace might be enough to get them back in the Finals. Hell, just getting rid of Hughes is amazing in itself. Speaking of which, Hughes fits in on Chicago about as well as.. (*insert any Knick personnel transaction in last 3 years).

PHOENIX/MIAMI

Shawn Marion = deluxe sushi platter

Shaq = porterhouse steak with tons of glutinous fat all over it

Translation: This may go down in history as one of the saddest trades ever made. The whole essence of Phoenix just flew out the window. Name ONE aspect of the game Shaq currently does better than Marion. Shaq’s new nickname should be “The Big Rigor Mortis” ..it’s that bad. If I look into my crystal ball I see Miami landing Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose in next years draft and quickly turning things around. I also see a Phoenix future with Shaq riding the bench because D’Antoni soon realizes A GIANT OLD FATSO WHO CAN’T RUN OR HIT FREE THROWS DOESN”T BELONG IN A RUN & GUN SYSTEM.

New play-offs prediction:

Boston vs Detroit (*bold, I know.)
Spurs vs Lakers (*assuming Kobe healthy)

Finals:

Detroit (*although, lamely rooting for Celts) vs Lakers

FINAL PREDICTION:

Lakers champs ..Knicks chumps.

Smell ya later.

dlee


BONUS MATERIAL:

MVP = I chose LaBron James as my pre-season pick and I likely gotta stick by it.
True, KG represents everything a MVP should be from a non-statistical standpoint
but the Cavs couldn’t beat Washington Generals without James. He’s carrying so much weight his new nickname should be “drug mule” (*doubt Nike & David Stern jumping on that marketing campaign).

R.O.Y. = Man, Charles Barkley really laid into Durant at the rookie game over all-star weekend. Gotta say he was mostly on point in blasting KD’s lack of overall game shown this year. Still, I chose Durant in pre-season and gotta stick by it though Horford and Scola are playing better all around team ball. Props to Sean Williams and Jamario Moon for good D as well. Sidebar: San Antonio would likely have won it all this year if they hadn’t traded the rights to Scola. That guy is a winner for a reason ---as Houston now knows.

Most Improved = I picked Bargani pre-season. Pondering that: to quote Dean Sockwell in Married to the Mob seconds before he shot Alec Baldwin to death, “~you disappointed the SHIT outta me.” Andrea, you soft bitch ..get in the goddamn paint or die! That said, barring second year players like Aldridge, Brewer, and Gay I’d have to say the contest is between Calderon, Kaman, Howard and Hedo Turkoglo. Hmm..Howard woulda had it if he keep playing like he did the first 20 games of the season but regressed..Calderon was always good but underused, so I don’t know if that’s improvement….Kaman owes most of his fat numbers to the absence of Brand... sooo, I give it to Turkoglo. Never have I seen a talented guy finally live up to his potential this late in his career. Bargani better not wait as long as Hedo to turn shot around or I’ll personally kick his ass. (*yes, he’s THAT soft)

Coach of the Year = Nate McMillan/P-land. Compare the roster and salaries of the Knicks to that of the Blazers ..then compare win-loss records. Wild. There are some
folk (*name rhymes with Biziah Fhomas) in the NBA who worship stats and flashes
of potential and some who worship chemistry, consistency and hard-work. Pop quiz: guess which one actually wins games…

Defensive Player of the Year: I chose TD and while that’s still a fine pick I now gotta go with KG. Case in point: you know the way Nash got a lotta MVP votes for making those around him better and defining his teams identity? That’s what KG has done defensively for the Celts. Statistically, his numbers may not compare to a guy like Camby or Howard but KG’s made his whole team play D with his level of intensity. One look at Denver and Orlando and you know that ain’t the same case.

don't forget

The memorial service for my pop is today at 5:30 pm, unitarian church of all souls, 80th and Lex. All are welcome.

super

I am trying to come to grips with the immense satisfaction I felt at the end of the Super Bowl, and what that satisfaction says about me as a person. I am not a huge Giants fan; most of the joy I felt was based on watching New England fail. I admit it. Whatever, here are some of the things that made me smile as I thought about them Sunday night.

1. He didn't believe in heaven, but on the off chance they let him in anyway, my pop probably found a nice bar up there and enjoyed every second of this game on a big HDTV.

2. Rodney Harrison is Bill Romanowski reincarnated: a dirty, cheating, violent bastard. Plus he's got a Sheffield-like Hitler moustache. Watching him fuck up in a multitude of ways during the game's most critical moments was sweeter than I could have ever hoped.

3. Belichick -- another cheating cheater, failing when it matters. And what was up with that 4th and 13 decision? Plus, while there's a 72 percent chance that the 2002 Spygate story is being overblown, it was hard not to notice the incredible lameness of the NFL's response to the accusations:

''There was no evidence of it on the tapes or in the notes produced by the Patriots, and the Patriots told us it was not true.''

I guess it's not true then.

4. I love me the outlandish stupidity of the NY Post -- for those of you who haven't read it in awhile, know that EVERY TIME the Patriots' team name appeared in the paper this season, in any kind of standings, stats page, betting line, etc. it was accompanied by an asterisk. If you scrolled down you would see this. Priceless.

5. Bruschi and Seau's premature man-hug on the sidelines, followed immediately by the Giants driving the ball right down their throats.

6. The humbling effect this should have on the ever-more-arrogant Boston fan base. Chief Douchemaster Bill Simmons in particular. This column, which suggests that both the 2007 Colts and the 1986 Lakers intentionally lost early in the playoffs to avoid being humiliated later by the unbeatable Boston juggernauts that awaited them...well that's just about the dumbest fucking thing I've ever read. Although I must say I thought his postgame column was actually...er...good.

More even than the shhh factor this loss should provide is just the tremendous comfort in knowing the pain that Masshole Nation must feel today. And hoping it compares to what I felt in 2004. I know this makes me a dick but too bad. The Patriots are the most detestable team of the last ten years and their fans, by and large, are even more worthy of our hatred.

7. The Manning scramble/Tyree catch. One of the most exciting plays I've ever seen, when you factor in the stakes.

8. The Steve Smith play on 3rd and 11 when he got the first down and squirmed out of bounds. That was good.

9. I can't believe I'm saying this, but seeing P. Manning in the booth pumping his fist for his li'l bro, while possibly contrived, was actually very touching on a certain level. Especially after all the shit Eli has received (97% of it deservedly).

10. The awesome chili my wife made during the game. Thanks wife, that was delicious.

11. Tom Petty -- I've never been a huge Petty fan, although I guess I've sorta liked most of his hits. I've always considered him a serviceable classic rock dude, nothing special but good enough to sing along to if he came on the radio. Yet somehow seeing Aging Tom Petty and his buds up there onstage doing their thing made me appreciate him more. Maybe it just made me feel less old.

Maybe the fact that I liked it should have made me feel older. Screw it.

already been said

Thanks so much for all the kind comments on the previous post. They meant a lot to me.

I want to talk about other stuff but it's hard. And I wish I could offer some great wisdom about death to all of you, but it's all been said before. In fact, if anything stays with me from this whole rotten experience, it's that most of the clichés about death are, like most of the clichés about everything else (like say for example the old cliché about clichés being true), true.

Clichés don't get repeated into the ground because they're stupid. They get repeated into the ground because they are dead-on accurate and packed with real wisdom. You gotta be pretty damn smart to come up with something that one day becomes a cliché. You know who comes up with clichés? People like Benjamin Franklin and Mark Twain. John F. Kennedy and Brian Bosworth. Men blessed both with huge minds to conceive of these ideas, and total mastery of the language to express them in such enduring terms.

So here is a highly accurate cliché you should be aware of about death:

If you are lucky like I am, and you have parents who you really love, you should spend more time with them. Even if you feel like you're spending adequate time, you're probably not.

Your parents are getting old, the conversations maybe aren't as interesting as they were ten years ago, and face it, you're too busy to see them more than you already do.

Whatever the case, I can assure you that when they die, you will wish you had made more time for them. You will realize that nothing made them happier than being with you, especially as they got older. You make them laugh, you make them proud, and they want you to be proud of them too. You are their link to youth, to the world, to the future, you're a wonderful distraction from the loneliness and depression that can set in as you face down your final days and months and years on earth. There will be plenty of times in the near future when you could go see your parents or call them but you'd rather do something else. Well, try to force yourself to hang out with your parents instead of doing whatever else ya got planned, at least four times out of ten.

And laugh at their jokes no matter how many times you’ve heard them.