on to the nine

"New Year's Eve is amateur night and resolutions are for fools."

-Phil Jackson, 1/1/09

He's probably right on both counts, but to admit it is to give up hope, and I'm not ready to do that yet.

Hope that this is the year you finally found that perfect New Year's Eve Party, where you were the star of the show like you wrongly remember you used to be from time to time.

And hope that writing something down makes you more likely to follow through on it.

I am out in Southern California with the in-laws, so the New Year's Eve party was out of the question. We stayed in and sang karaoke and drank some champagne and kept the festivities under control, as you always should when three or more generations are present. It may sound ungrateful, but I think my heartfelt rendition of "Lodi" deserved an even better score than the 96 I received from the machine. To give the song the proper emotional resonance, I always pretend it is about Lodi, Wisconsin.

As for resolutions, first let's check in on last year's goals. It turns out I didn't really have any, other than a vague desire to live a less passive existence, to take life by the balls for once. As in "Take 2008 and make it my personal joyride. I am going to soak up every moment, I am going to be loose and goofy and full of spice."

Then my dad died on January 20th and the joyride was over before it started. In the end, 2008 was still an interesting year (as are all years except maybe 1997), with some historic triumphs and some cringeriffic disasters. But it was not the enthusiastic victory lap I had hoped for.

I'll take a mulligan on 2008 and push my goal of general fulfillment forward into 2009, a.k.a. the year I finally get my shit together and stop living in nervous anticipation of my next mistake.

In addition to this, I have a few small, attainable, and most importantly, objectively measurable goals for the year.

1) Continue to play basketball often enough so that I slow down my spiral of suckitude. I went back to Laguna for Day 2 and it was so so much better. I didn't feel a day over 50 out there.

I will also try not to get mad when people play in jeans or running shoes. I have no idea why this bothers me so much.

2) Come up with a slang term that catches on nationally. My first attempt: The Business District -- a euphemism for a person's genital region. You can go ahead and use it in a sentence, just to see how it feels. Not bad, right?

3) Get fit.

4) Don't even resolve to get fit in 2010, it's not going to happen.

5) Come to terms with your sexuality. I finally figured mine out in 2008, now it's time for me to accept yours.

6) Write a short story.

7) Think about what I eventually want to do for a living, if it ain't what I'm doing, for a minimum of 20 minutes total. Take at least one tiny step in this new direction.

8) Sing karaoke, with passion and skill, in a bar at least one time.

9) Take care of the kid for a weekend so Ma Bungle can get away and have a special little personal trip all for herself.

10) Patent my iPhone app: "Signal Loss" -- this is an application that, at the push of a button, creates static and simulated audio dropouts, allowing you to say "I think I'm losing you" to the person on the other end of the line. This will elminate the need for other bullshit conversation-ending excuses.

11) Read 25 books.

And do some other shit, too. I'll let you know.