iPhone 3GS review

Hey fools, I was lucky enough to receive a brand new iPhone for father's day, and I picked the thing up yesterday. Here are my impressions, which are probably no different than a million other reviews online, except that mine are less informed. So read closely.

I was upgrading from the original iPhone, so the improvements seem very significant to me. I will limit my review to these points. Know going in that the original iPhone blew my mind -- and what I really loved about it most was the one thing I didn't think I'd care about: that it replaced the need to carry multiple devices. It was my iPod and my phone and my video player and my barbitrator. It was an electronic swiss army knife, and I don't think I can ever go back to multiple devices again.

1. Speed -- it is called the 3GS and the S supposedly stands for "Speed" (or "Scrotumulous", I can't remember). And it is plenty quicker going between apps, etc. than my original iPhone. I bet it isn't as dramatically different from the 2nd gen iPhone, but it is probably a little better. I enjoy the lack of delays between when I click on soomething and when it opens.

2. 3G -- this is the data standard that AT & T is now using, replacing the much slower EDGE standard that ran on my old iPhone. I haven't really been able to notice a big speed change yet, although I assume there is one. The downside is that the 3G network seems to use up a whole lot more battery life, maybe because my phone is searching for a network all day. Dunno, but the phone is draining much faster, to the point where it can't survive an intense day of work without a recharge. This has to change.

3. Battery life -- supposedly the battery life gets better and better with each phone, now allowing you to play like 30 straight hours of music on one charge. I am skeptical and worried that I may have a dud battery, because as I mentioned, this fucker is draining faster than a mofo.

4. 32GB HD -- this is pretty damn good. On my old phone, I had 8GB of storage, so I only downloaded a small percentage of my music onto the phone. On the bright side, that forced me to be selective, and I never had to listen to the ultra-crappy songs in my library. Of course, I chose which songs to sync in like 8 minutes on the way to work one day, and I never got around to roatating new ones in. So lots of good stuff was out, and I got real sick of the ones that were in. With 32GB, I can actually fit my entire iTunes library, which represents like 80% of the music I own, onto the phone. Sure, lots of crap tunes come up in the shuffle, but so do a lot of gems that hadn't made the cut on the old phone. Even if you can't fit your whole library onto the phone, 32GB is plenty of space. So is 16GB. Rock on. In the last two days, I've heard about 40 songs I had forgotten I loved. I will slowly weed out the duds. Plus, the big hard drive lets me add lots of...

5. Videos -- I am torn because I think that the more low-quality video we shoot as a species, the more we will regret it 35 years from now when we think, "Why didn't we get an HD camcorder and document things right?" But I for one am too lazy to tote a real camera with me every time I go out, and I like to think that I'll be happy for whatever footage exists from Baby Bungle's childhood, low-end tho it may be. That said, this video is SCHWEET for a camera phone: good audio, good video, totally watchable, AND ALWAYS WITH YOU! That is the important thing. Here is an example of a video I shot on the phone. You can upload video straight from the phone to youtube, which is really neat and not as time consuming as you might think.



Here are a few things people will be doing with that shit:

-drunken bar videos/Late Night Hasselhoffian Hamburger Fests
-video messages to loved ones -- such as a military family who are separated (and awkward attempts by high school boys to woo hot girls who are just not interested)
-wives checking up on husbands by demanding they make videos instantly of what they are doing/where they are/who they are with
-bad bad concert videos/sporting event videos
-when you meet someone in a bar, you can make a short video of them so you can decide soberly the next day what they look like and how stupid they are and if they are actually worth calling
-driveway hoops battles royale
-nanny cam?
-shooting footage of a perp in the act of a felony, then being seen by said perp and murdered
-mostly, 5-10 second pretzel eating clips

-6. Compass/GPS -- this will someday help me, even if so far I disagree with it on the concept of "North" like 70% of the time. The amazing thing for you drivers it now has GPS and a compass, and there will soon be a real turn by turn navigation app right on the phone itself, which you'll be able to mount on your dash, eliminating the need for another device. For me, it's cool just to be able to type the name of a store, etc. into the Maps app, and have a pin marking the location pop up right away. I tried putting in "ho's" and a bunch of stuff came up. Be careful.

7. The camera -- it still lags way behind your digital camera and probably a lot of other phone cams, but it is serviceable and slightly improved. There is a touch-to-focus feature that I think I probably will like. One thing I hate about the camera and it would be easy to fix is the location of the shutter button. It's awkward to press and in reaching for it I often find myself shaking the camera. Here is an example of the camera's power to document raw human sexiness:

And here is another shot I was able to capture of the North American Flightless Bad DeNiro.

9. The new headpones -- they are better, with more controls. But I think I will break them in about two weeks.

10. Voice Control -- cool, but not something I need.

11. The new iPhone 3.0 OS -- everyone should download this free upgrade, no matter which iPhone they have. It adds some long overdue stuff.

12. Phone calls -- still terrible. If making phone calls is "your thing", you probably won't like the iPhone. AT & T sucks and I think Apple may have even lowered the headset volume on this model to make calls somehow less intelligible, so you don't even really consider using it to make calls. I think I will just text from now on.

Overall, assuming the battery thing is resolved, this phone is now my favorite non-living item in the universe. If you already have the 3G, I probably would wait til next June when an even more asskickety new model will be unveiled. But if you are on the original iPhone or some other wack phone and you want to improe your life by like 25%, I say go drop a couple hunnert on this thing. And make yourself a sex tape ASAP.