1. Chris Brush's winning entry:

I successfully rescued my mom and dad from the absolute chaos that is BWI last night. What a nightmare that place is. It’s been under construction for years. There’s 2 ways you can pick folks up there, you can play “drive around the loop” until they emerge from baggage pick up, or you can park, go inside, and play “guess the terminal” and try to figure the point at which they will emerge before going to baggage. The good folks who manage BWI have placed a few obstacles in your path to make which ever game you choose a little more challenging.

If you are playing “drive around the loop” you must first choose the proper entrance lane amidst the spaghetti like traffic routing system. Only one lane leads to the exits from baggage. The other 20 lead to less friendly destinations all manned by zombie airport personnel trained to assume that everyone is Osama Bin Laden, you are arrested, strip searched and you loose your nail clippers. Choose the wrong entry point and you end up in long term parking, where there are cars that have been parked since the ‘70s, or the taxi only lane where you will be pulled from your car and made a Bedouin, or the MTA lane where you are crushed by the gigantic busses. If you are successful in choosing the right entrance you then experience a fleeting feeling of victory before you are in the farthest of 5 lanes of busses, taxis, and pedestrians and 4 different tiers of security personnel including armed Md. State Troopers all trying to collide with your vehicle. You must dodge through this while keeping one eye on the island to your right where the recently arrived stand surrounded by their luggage looking like lost children waiting for their mothers to claim them. It is heart wrenching. You have no idea if the flight they are on has arrived or not as there are no indicators. So you must execute this run over and over until you spot your party on the island at which point you must find a spot to pull in and snatch them up before they die of starvation. If you are unable to penetrate the 5 lanes of double parked madness you must go around again. If you stop in any lane other that the one selected for passenger pick up you are immediately arrested, ticketed, strip searched and you lose your nail clippers. The sensible person would use the short term parking lot and go inside the terminal to collect their parties. Beware, now you are playing “guess the terminal”.

Guess The Terminal is an especially cruel and devious invention of airport management. It is psychological torture from the beginning. It is especially evil because you do not have any idea that you are being fucked with. Like those poor souls in the “Blair Witch Project”. The abuse starts when you decide not to play the loop game. You go into the short term parking lot for which the fee is $30. So you have to stop at an ATM on the way to BWI to have your $30 ready to shell out. When you pull up to the gate to get a garage ticket there is a sign printed in an 8 font that says the “first hour is free”. You think there’s no way you are going to be there that long so now you have $30 burning a hole in your pocket. So you skid into a parking spot and have to remember the level and row in which you are parked. You depart your car and instinctively begin looking for a clue as to how to walk from the garage to the terminal area. Of course there are no signs because the entire structure is being renovated. Any indicators there are are written in sharpie on the plywood baracades by men wearing gloves who have no business writing anything to begin with. You crane your neck and squint to see the airline terminals through the gaps between the levels in the parking garage to give you a general idea of which direction in which to head. Now you are on foot and there is only one small portal to the sky walk that is supposed to help pedestrians safely cross the 5 lane “drive around the loop” playing field. Unfortunately, it too is under construction. It dumps you on the near side of the lanes which you now must cross aided only by the lowest of the 4 tiers of security personnel. You begin to realize that you are being fucked with. The survivors who gain access to the terminal will find that approximately forty percent of the arrival/departure screens are not functioning and there is no sign of the flight on which your loved ones are arriving. You also realize that you have spent 15 minutes of your free parking. So you consult the airport map, complete with the “you are here” spot sticker. You surmise that your party is arriving at a terminal that is clear across the airport. The “you are here” map now looks like the funny t-shirt picture of the Milky Way galaxy. And you are on foot. By the time you reach the arrival gate for your airline you have burned 10 more free parking minutes and you still have to engage in the “waiting at the terminal” ritual where you witness the seemingly endless re-unitings. You feel the angst that seems to be intrinsic to looking at each and every face as they emerge from the hall way from the planes to the terminals. By the way, there are no fewer that 47 gates in the D wing at BWI, all of which are funneled into one 20 foot wide hall way. You still do not know if your loved ones have safely touched down, or burst into flames on the runway. You do not know if they will emerge from the hall way or be funneled directly to baggage, out of sight downstairs. The passing minutes bringing you closer to the $30 penalty that occurs at one hour and one second. You must try to divide your time equally between monitoring the baggage area downstairs and the arrival hall way upstairs. The best you can do is a 50-50 split between the two, greatly reducing your chances of being in the right place at the right time. Racing between the two will almost certainly attract the attention of all 4 tiers of security and could result in a strip search and loss of your nail clippers.

In my case I failed to be standing at the right place when my folks emerged in baggage. They collected their suitcases and went directly outside to play “drive around the loop”. I was inside playing “guess the terminal”. I found them on my second trip to baggage. They had the “where’s my mommy” thing going and I just could not see making them walk back across the Milky Way with their luggage. Down to my last 10 minutes of free parking I told them to wait while I braved the loop. I dashed back across the galaxy, to the small sky walk to the parking garage convinced that security was on to me. Peeling out of my parking spot I made it to the exit gate with mere seconds to spare. I handed over my parking card to the attendant (level 4 security) who debated, momentarily, whacking me with the $30 parking fee. With my card in one hand and the button for the gate in the other, she found a shred of humanity with in her Grinch like soul and uttered ‘have a nice day’. The subtext of her utterance was, ‘I own you’. The gate went up. I still had my $30 and my nail clippers. Once around the loop and I had the folks. All in all a success.

The rest of the entries, alphabetically by last name:

T2: Pete Brush(and friends)'s submission: Rampant Shipping Charges

thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 11:58 AM

hi

i have been using ebay for a long-ish time. this weekend i bought a gift for a friend (it's sold out in regular retail, which is a testament to eBay and its value).

HOWEVER, the seller charged me $7.95 for shipping and handling on an item (decorative shower curtain) i know costs about $3 to ship. and i also know that the post office gives its shipping materials away for free so it's no like people are paying for boxes and envelopes.

i'm seeing this kind of gouging more and more often, and it's getting more and more blatant.

i know the standard response is "if you don't like the terms, don't bid" but isn't there something that should be done about the rampant price-gouging on shipping costs?

pete
dc

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tangledupinbloo (0 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:05 PM (# 1 of 34)

I know how irritating that is - and I usually check shipping costs with the seller before I bid. But, I've been caught like you, too. It's annoying, but I doubt if eBay will ever do anything to change it.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:07 PM (# 2 of 34)

Go to an online retailer like Wal-Mart or Target and buy a shower curtain....minimum charge to ship it is $5.00, and that's standard ground delivery, which takes a week. Quicker delivery such as Priority or overnight mail is closer to $10.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:11 PM (# 3 of 34)

ebay ain't wal-mart. that's the whole point.

>Go to an online retailer like Wal-Mart or Target and buy >a shower
>curtain....minimum charge to ship it is $5.00,

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:15 PM (# 4 of 34)

I never said it was, but if you are ordering anything online you will pay whatever shipping charges the seller decides to charge you....or.....you get in your car and drive to the store and park, go in, shop around, buy it and avoid shipping charges altogether.


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oracle-jones (0 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:22 PM (# 5 of 34)

random thoughts: How much should I charge buyers to 'get' free shipping materials?, ('getting' costs $), do you know this seller will be using 'free' shipping materials? How do YOU quantify handling charges?

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kareneyehole (922 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:31 PM (# 6 of 34)

The thing about eBAY is people will actually pay the price just so they can outbid the other person. There are alot of sellers that due charge high shipping prices and when they do I do not bid. Not everyone gets free shipping supplies so they do add that into their shipping charges plus their time to send the item,etc. People are too many hungry these days. Boycott the sells that have to high a shipping price and maybe that will teach them.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:32 PM (# 7 of 34)

You got a brand new Pottery Barn shower curtain, never used/in it's original packaging for about a third of the retail price.....and the shipping charge was listed clearly in the auction......there's no way they can mail that anywhere for $3.00 without lying and saying it's media mail....I'd be quite happy if I were you.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 12:39 PM (# 8 of 34)

so, i should be GRATEFUL i got a deal?

that's what eBay is all about. right?

$8 to ship a shower curtain is price gouging and no amount of double talk will change that.

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*tinker (0 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:07 PM (# 9 of 34)

Shipping charges can be VERY frustrating on ebay.
That is why you have to always ASK for costs UPFRONT or do NOT BID !


If you notice....with catalogue shopping...JCpenneys...HSN...QVC you will pay for *each* item to ship. And there is no one to complain to. lol Those places don't care about shipping...but yet on ebay people want a deal and then every way possible to get their shipping to be under $3. >shrug<

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jnonsports (2066 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:10 PM (# 10 of 34)

thehelp needs a lot of help......try selling for a while and then let us know how much your time and effort is worth....then we can tell you it is worth zip like you are doing.....get a life....yeh, you should be greatful you got a deal because you did

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:21 PM (# 11 of 34)

jnonsports,

i love how mad you are. it just proves i'm right.

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jnonsports (2066 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:28 PM (# 12 of 34)

it proves you a clueless.

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artsmnm (197 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:31 PM (# 13 of 34)

thehelp -- so, even if I got my boxes & such for free(which I don't) -- my time driving to the p/o and waiting in line is NOT! Also, the free stuff - boxes -- is for priority mail & express mail only. My P/O doesn't give me bubble-wrap or tissue paper for free. And if I sent it priority, there is that minumum charge of $3.85 and it goes up from there. The only "cheap" way is media mail, which is illegal for items other than books & printed material, or a very light-weight item stuffed in an envelope(which I paid for).

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riccook1 (248 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:32 PM (# 14 of 34)

If the (clearly listed) shipping charges were too high then why on earth did you bid on it?

And yes, you probably should be happy you got a deal.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 1:33 PM (# 15 of 34)

I think what we got here is a case of the I-wanna-whines.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 2:00 PM (# 16 of 34)

all i hear is a bunch of people trying to justify $8 to ship a shower curtain.

aka: PRICE GOUGING.

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artsmnm (197 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 2:08 PM (# 17 of 34)

no, not justification -- the truth. When something says shipping & handling, what in the blazes do you think handling means? And I guess the truth hurts, because you are whinning about a few bucks. Just think of it this way, you are helping the ecomony get back on its feet.

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riccook1 (248 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 2:12 PM (# 18 of 34)

Well, I am not trying to justify anything. I still am left wondering why you bid in the first place if you are so disgusted with the clearly listed shipping and handling.

Perhaps ebay is not for you. Or, perhaps you should ask yourself why you promoted this PRICE GOUGING as you put it. My guess is it is because you did get a deal.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:23 PM (# 19 of 34)

ok let me see if i have your logic right:

i have a problem with somebody charging me $8 to ship a shower curtain.

therefore, perhaps ebay is not for me.

yep. that make sense. thanks.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:25 PM (# 20 of 34)

It does make sense, especially considering the fact that the seller put the cost of shipping in the auction.....so.......

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riccook1 (248 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:28 PM (# 21 of 34)

O.K. thehelp, if you have/had such a problem with it then why did you bid? Simple question.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:31 PM (# 22 of 34)

i'm not going to bother repeating my original post.

but your questions prove you never read it.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:35 PM (# 23 of 34)

Hey, I did read your OP.....you said that the PO gives the seller free shipping supplies. Ok, yes, if you ship it Priority Mail, that is true. And the very cheapest price for PM is $3.85. That blows your $3.00 shipping theory all to heck, doesn't it? Not to mention the fact that the particular shower curtain you bought in the plastic bag weighs around 3-4 lbs, so unless you live next door to the seller, it will most likely cost $6-7 actual postage to mail it to you. That's a guess on my part, but seeing as I have been selling for 4 years with no complaints about my shipping and handling costs........

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ford_fairlaneblue (0 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:36 PM (# 24 of 34)

O.K. thehelp, if you have/had such a problem with it then why did you bid? Simple question.

I'd like to hear your answer to this also. I'm with you on the outrageous shipping charges. But the reason they do it is because people will bid anyway. And you're the worst of the bunch. You know it's wrong, but still you bid.

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man-0-war (77 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:39 PM (# 25 of 34)

But YOU cannot set the terms of the S&H thehelp - Plus remember it is shipping AND handling - As has been mentioned you did not have to bid if you disagreed with the s/h charge in the terms set by the Seller.


I sold an item yesterday with a s/h charge of $7, the bloody thing cost me $12.45 for mailing alone! [I should have done my homework].....should I go and ask the Buyer for the extra? - I think not.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:45 PM (# 26 of 34)

I quit depending on the USPS website to give me accurate postage costs, especially overseas. I recently refunded a lady in Australia for postage costs because what I actually paid was much less than what the USPS site told me it would be. I pick a ballpark figure for US shipments, factoring in the cost of bubble wrap and peanuts if it is a fragile item. I am not in the business of giving away the cost that I pay for shipping materials. And NO, I will not use newspaper which stains items with ink and adds extra weight to the box....thereby increasing the postage cost for the buyer. Most of the time I am on target or I don't charge enough....it all evens out in the end.

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riccook1 (248 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:45 PM (# 27 of 34)

thehelp - You obviously decided at the time of bidding that the S/H was worth it to get a birthday present. Now you come and complain about the cost. I agree that some sellers charge outrageous fees but I combat that by not bidding. You had that option as well.

Why should sellers reduce their fees when some numpty will bid on it? You made the choice to bid, live with it.

Moreover, you have'nt even received the package yet so how do you know you were gouged?

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:46 PM (# 28 of 34)

Ric, I'd be interested in hearing what the actual postage cost is when it arrives.....wouldn't you?

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pennytoys (4895 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 3:58 PM (# 29 of 34)

I went and looked at the auction, the seller uses a flat rate to ship anywhere in the US, so if they end up shipping to zone 8 or Hawaii or Alaska, they would probably end up shipping at a loss. The other thing I noticed is there is no way that curtain could have been shipped for $3.00 by any service. Priorty mail would have probably been around $6.00 or $7.00 to ship up to zone 5. My guess is the seller used one of those stealth postage services and the buyer has no real idea what shipping actually was.

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riccook1 (248 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 4:01 PM (# 30 of 34)

Yes I would lagrande. Lets hope we do. :>)

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 5:35 PM (# 31 of 34)

i love it! i'm a 'numpty' i should get off ebay.

you guys all just keep on throwing the insults around. the curtain was a gift. it was sold out at the retail outlets ... so like it said i'm glad it was available.

and $8 to ship it is price gouging. good lord. the obstinance is astounding. anyway, you numptys will think twice before you gouge bidders because i'm gonna spread the word.

anybody who can't ship a shower curtain for less than $8 in the u.s. is either:

a) retarded
b) price gouging

take your pick and for chrissake stop MAKING UP LIES TO JUSTIFY THIS PRICE GOUGING.

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lagrandefromage (1178 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 5:41 PM (# 32 of 34)

So tell us......what did the postage on the package show that it cost?

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babesoutofthewoods (6 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 5:41 PM (# 33 of 34)

Nice buy on the Omega Zip Drive. I wish I'd seen it.

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thehelp (11 )(view author's auctions)
03/29/04 5:57 PM (# 34 of 34)

actually, you're right cheese fromage whatever.

i'm lying.

actually it cost $14 to ship the shower curtain.

it was on a flying carpet.

jackass.

T2: Benge Newman's submissions:

#1: The Fable

The story behind the story is that the second-grade teacher who I worked with, Denise Larrabee, sent the kids home with a backpack called "Traveling Tales." In the backpack are pencils, paper, lots of coloring utensils, and directions for parents to help the kids brainstorm. She made me do it too. Most of the story is based on fact. I no longer have the accompanying picture. (But that shouldn't count against me.)

Traveling Tales
Meeting Max by Mr. Newman

"Hey, who ate all of my chocolates?" yelled Olaf. He was in the kitchen and he didn't sound happy. "I just bought them yesterday and now there's just this bag here."
"It wasn't me," called Becky from upstairs.
"Not me either," I said, walking into the kitchen. On the table was a plastic bag that looked like it had been ripped apart.
"Well, someone must have, because they're not here anymore." Olaf sounded like he had just broken his favorite toy. "I was waiting all day to eat some. It was all I could think of at work."
"Somebody ate your chocolates. Somebody ate your chocolates," teased Becky.
"Oh Becky, stop acting like a jerk," I said.
Becky came into the kitchen laughing. But she stopped suddenly when she saw the poop on the chair. "Uh oh, I think we have a new friend paying us a visit."
"It must be the squirrel that ate all the pumpkins on our porch during Halloween," I guessed.
"Well, I think we're going to have to start keeping things a little cleaner around here," said Olaf. "No more crumbs or leaving food out."
"Maybe we should call Fred," suggested Becky.
Fred is our landlord, the person who owns our house.
"That won't do any good; he never takes care of anything," I replied. "I'll ask Mrs. Larrabee if she has a trap. She said something about once having had a skunk in her house."
We all went back to doing what we had been doing, but Olaf still looked very disappointed.
The next day I forgot all about asking Mrs. Larrabee for the trap. When I got home I had even forgotten about the squirrel. I was starving and all I could think about was making a sandwich with the delicious bread I had bought the day before. I walked into the kitchen and froze in my tracks!
Sitting on the counter was the squirrel. He had been gnawing away at my bread! But now he was frozen too, as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Then, like a kid running out to recess, he darted past me, out of the kitchen, and I heard him bounding up the stairs. A moment later, Becky and Olaf walked in the front door.
"I just met our friend," I called out. "I think he ran into your bedroom."
"Ew!" cried Becky.
"Let's get him," said Olaf. "I'll grab the broom and sweep him out the door."
"No! Please don't hurt me!" came a voice from upstairs.
Olaf, Becky, and I stared at each other. None of us could believe what we had heard.
I started to walk slowly up the stairs. "Uh, hello Mr. Squirrel," I said, cautiously.
"The name's Max," answered the voice, sounding very nervous.
"Oh. Uh, hello Max," said Becky, who had followed behind me.
"Hi." The squirrel poked his head down the staircase. "Please don't hurt me," he repeated.
"We won't hurt you," replied Becky. "But we’re not too happy about some of the things you’ve been doing in our house."
"Yeah!" Olaf joined in. "And give me back my chocolates."
"Um." Max paused. "I can leave. But I can't give back the chocolates. Because I ate them. All."
"You know, it's not okay to just come into other people's houses and eat their stuff," scolded Olaf.
"I know." Max hung his head. "It's just that it's cold outside and you have such good food."
Thanks for the compliment," replied Becky.
Nobody spoke for a few seconds. Then Becky continued, "You know, we might be able to give you some of our food once in a while."
"But no more chocolates," Olaf interrupted.
"How about if we give you some food, you'll promise to keep the mice away," I proposed.
"O.K.," agreed Max.
There are two other things you need to promise," Becky jumped in. "No going upstairs and no pooping in the house."
We all agreed. The rest of the winter we had no problems with mice. Max would come by for some nuts and sometimes stay and chat. It was pretty cool to be able to talk to a squirrel. We all became friends with Max, but I don't think Olaf ever forgave him for eating his chocolates.

B. New Part II:  Suggested Bumper Stickers 1995 Edition (some may no longer make sense or may have random, long-forgotten context)

Live extravagantly that others may wallow in poverty.

Ignorance: More bang for the buck.

Don't blame me, I m a socialist.

Racism isn't the the problem, it's the solution.

Capitalism sucks.

Don't blame me, I voted for Bob Packwood.

Death = Silence

Don't blame me, I voted for O.J.

Don't blame me, I voted for Ronald McDonald.

I am one of the 80% of Americans who doesn't vote.

Eat some veal for Jesus.

Don't blame me, I voted for G.G. Allin.

Slade is for lovers.

I proudly wear clothing made by child slave laborers in the Third World.

Another proud parent of an exploitative American child.

Eat meat--die young.

Got soymilk?

Mean people are cool.

If you can't kill a baby, don't have one.

Go nuclear.

Go conspicuous waste.

I'm the proud parent of a Camel smoker.

War is good.

I support abortion rights for rich, white women.

Another car-driving environmentalist.

You betcha!

I'm clinically depressed and I vote.

Another proud American working for $4.50 an hour.

Bring billboards back to Vermont.

If you burn my flag, I'll send you back to Africa.

Screw local industry, shop at Wal-Mart.

Capitalism works, just ask Demi Moore.

Fuck affordable food, shop at a co-op.

Free China.

Protect Vermont s natural resources, kill a Spear Street resident.

Ben & Jerry's--What a long, strange dip into the coffers it's been.

I climbed Mount Washington without getting the fuck out of my car.

Thanks to the World Wide Web, I no longer have to interact with other
human beings.

Gluttony, it does a body good.

If you can't kill a baby, don't speak English.

Don't blame me, I voted for a black lesbian who doesn't speak English.

Don't blame me, I voted for Castro.

Support single-payer health care before I hurt you.

Mean people suck, asshole.

Is that a wad of tofu in your pocket, or are you just happy to eat meat?

Lorena Bobbit was right.

Love animals, keep them in captivity.

Waiters serve and protect.

Milk: It does a body good. NOT!

Where's Captain Kangaroo when we need him?

Love animals, then eat them.

I pledge allegiance to the Confederate Flag.

Forget signaling; it's stupid anyway.

Racism: Do it on your own time.

Fuck shit up.

Capitalism is a social disease.

Barnes & Noble is doing to literature what Tower Records did to music.

Palestine for the Mormons.

Please cut me off and drive slowly.

Hug a Mormon for Mohammed.

Think global markets, act selfishly.

Osiris was right.

Another white grafted devil for Farrakhan.

Fear, and lots of it.

Idaho: The Iowa of the Midwest.

Support multinational companies and their practices in the Third World.

Fuck education; build more prisons.

Lose god; find life.

Who says God didn't make mistakes? Support bio-engineering.

Vote for Pat Buchanan, or I'll kill your unborn baby.

Wal-Mart: Where an ignorant consumer is our best customer.

Live in denial; vote Republican.

I'm proud to be a flag-burning American.

Farmers waste precious natural resources.

If you think ignorance is expensive, try UVM.

Can you believe we re driving in these things?

T2: C. Web: The April Fools' Prank

Mr. Weber sent this email out on 3/31/04 to everybody he knows.  It had a success rate of 99.5%, with only fellow runner-up Pete B. smelling a rat.

From: Christopher Weber
Sent: Wednesday, March 31, 2004 11:41 PM
Subject: check your local listings...


Dear Friends, etc.,

Here's something you'll no doubt get a kick out of. I've been keeping it under my hat, waiting for confirmation... and though I might come to regret it, I can finally reveal to you and the nation... that I'm going to be on an episode (actually, two) of 'Blind Date.' Scary, but true. I taped the shows a couple of months ago and got a call from the producer today -- they're going to air over two days this weekend or next week, depending on where you are (You can check for listings here: http://www.uni-television.com/BlindDate). So tune in, turn on, and laugh your asses off at my expense. You've seen me drunk and acting foolish and pedantic in person -- now you can see me drunk and acting foolish and pedantic on national television. Needless to say, this was one of the more bizarre, hilarious and humiliating experiences of my life; I can only imagine how it will come off in the final edited version.

I signed up last fall as a goof after seeing the ad on Craigslist (I was also lured by the $500 each contestant gets paid, not to mention the chance to meet Roger Lodge). Needless to say, I never thought I'd get chosen -- but when I got the call I knew, in the name of comedy, I couldn't back down. The producers were wary at first because I wasn't a personal trainer, but they liked my "starving screenwriter" spiel and the load of BS I fed them about my experiences in the "L.A. dating scene," whatever that is. (I think they were also impressed by the fact that I have a porn star's digits in my cell
phone.) I went on to pass two interviews/auditions and was eventually set up with Janyce (yes, with a 'y'), a 30-year-old Warner Bros. publicist from Reseda with - holy crap - real breasts. On the big night, I was given a Ford Explorer outfitted with really cool tiny cameras (my fly ride was not ready for primetime I guess) and a bouquet of flowers and a MapQuest printout with directions to Janyce's humble condo. We were followed to a local restaurant and the "after dinner locale" by an overly enthusiastic field producer and a humorless cameraman. I don't want to reveal too many details but I will say the "date" may have involved some arts and crafts, bad dancing, yodelling and somebody (not Janyce) giving a long-winded lecture on why any man who drinks cosmopolitans is gay. It's probably also instructive to know that the keys to the Explorer were taken from me at some point during the evening and we were brought home in a cab. And you may get a hint on how it went with the lovely Janyce by the fact that our appearance stretches over two episodes.

So... make some popcorn and enjoy the show. I know you will. My face already hurts from cringing.

-Chris

PS I may be the first contestant in the history of the show not to wear a shiny shirt or have blond highlights in my hair -- you might say I was "keeping it real."

PPS No, I never got to meet Roger Lodge.