don't wait to get huge

Sometimes spam subject lines can be so inspiring.

"Don't wait to get huge." Word.

It was a good weekend. I was happy. I did all the things I like to do: eat, drink, play ball, walk around, listen to music, have brunch with family, get huge. You know.

I was in a good mood and I had a spring in my step. There was a point on Saturday where I was playing hoops and I just couldn't miss. It was turn back the clock night, and even if it only lasted an hour or so, it was immensely satisfying.

It got me thinking about happiness. There are a million happinesses in the world, ranging from mild to medium to spicy habanero.

There's the happiness that comes with moments of great relief, like passing the bar or receiving a favorable medical diagnosis. There's the happiness in being proven right. There's the happiness of getting a new gadget. There's the happiness of excelling at something. There's the happiness of landing in a familiar place, whether it's returning home after a long vacation or hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Figuring something out = happiness. Fixing something. Having sex. Eating potatoes. Going on a really strong run of one-liners in the office. Drinking with your pals. Climbing in bed with your old lady. Dipping your toes in the surf. Standing up for yourself. Teaching somebody something. Helping out a person in need. Seeing your kid do something cool. Watching your favorite show. Reverse dunking a basketball.

Getting away with something. Discovering something new to love. Punching a bully square in the jaw. Having a little change in your pocket going jingalingaling.

We can keep going here, feel free to add your own.

But it seems to me that the purest happiness is the one that fills your soul so completely that you cannot think of anything else except what is happening to you right then. What you are doing is all you care about, nothing else exists. No yesterday, no tomorrow, no worries, no consequences, just pure fulfillment. To be hopelessly lost in that particular moment is the ultimate happiness. I saw an example as I was walking through Stuyvesant Town today.

On the little grass field near our apartment building, there were two sixteen-or-so-year-old kids kicking a soccer ball around together. A boy and a girl. They were sort of horsing around, trying to take the ball from one another. Then they got tangled up and fell on top of each other. They started play-wrestling and giggling, and the boy eventually got the upper hand on the girl and they found themselves in a mess of arms and legs and the boy's face was like three inches above the girl's. They stopped giggling and just stared into each other's eyes for like 30 seconds in silence. I turned away to limit my own creepiness, but I am pretty sure that they had been "just friends" until that very moment, and then they both simultaneously realized they were in love. Not just love, but uncontrollable teenage love. Not long-term, adult, through the ups and downs, always there for each other love. No, it was wild, gasping, desperate, kiss me or I'll die love. And I can guarantee that their heads were empty of any thoughts other than the person staring back at them.

That's a good weekend. I can't duplicate that feeling for you, I'm sorry. But I can give you what I consider the next best thing, a new edition of the IAQ. Here goes:

Q: With Halloween just behind us, it seems like a good time to ask: what are your favorite candy bars?

A: In order:
KitKat
Twix
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Nestle Crunch
$100,000 Bar
Mounds

Honorable Mention Old School: Marathon Bar

Q: What are your thoughts on the election?

A: Obviously I'm for Obama, although voting in a state like New York is sort of like watching TV without a Nielsen box. Still fun, but not impactful. Today I read this article and it kind of bummed me out for a couple of reasons:

I have trouble believing that Obama is really truly that sincere in his religious beliefs. I think it's a political move on his part.

And assuming I'm wrong about that, it bothers me that he would let those relgious views trump logic, common sense and fairness.

“I’m a Christian,” Mr. Obama said on a radio program in his 2004 race for Senate. “And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman."

Please, dude. Don't be so lame. Love is love, rights are rights, marriage like anything else can be redefined over time.

Q: A lot of people think the Replacements are overrated. What song would you offer as proof of their greatness?

A: You know what, fuck it. I am done proselytizing about the Replacements. If you don't like 'em, I completely understand. They didn't break new groud musically, they weren't the best players or the coolest dudes, there is no measurable evidence of what made them special. I just think they had more heart than everybody else combined.

But if pressed...maybe "Sixteen Blue."

Q: How do you deal with sucking at something you used to be good at (like basketball)?

A: Savor the good moments. Lower your expectations. This technique works across the board.

And trust me, you wanted no part of Hans Q. Bungle on the court this Saturday.

Q: What puzzles you?

A: Recycling. Like, I know it's good and I do it as much as possible, but I've had this irrational skepticism about it ever since I read this stupid article like 12 years ago. Plus, I still am not sure about certain items. Milk Cartons -- do they go in with plastic or paper? I've heard both answers. Maybe If I knew what they are made of I could make an informed decision.

And batteries. What the hell do we do with batteries?

Q: Early thoughts on the Knicks?

A: Yes it is early, but it looks like it's going to be a long season. The new style is there and the dudes are running, they just can't shoot. I mean, even crappy teams seem to have like 2 or 3 all-star type players, like say The Heat. The best players on the Knicks...Randolph and Crawford, I guess? Yuck. And the Marbury situation is really just awful and sad for everybody.

Q: What time is it?

A: 1:36 a.m.

Q: What was the answer to the lyric stumpah in the previous post?

A: "If You Want My Love" by Cheap Trick. Not their best or their worst, but one that stuck in my head for some reason. And a complete Beatle ripoff. Can you name the Beatles song being stolen?

On a side note, I knew Cheap Trick was from Rockford, Illinois, but I always thought Robin Zander was British. Turns out he's from fuckin' Beloit. Props, Zander.

Q: How did that book you were reading turn out?

A: Not done yet, but it got kinda sucky.

Q: Did you watch the World Series?

A: Bits and pieces. I liked it, but it sure was weird. Looking forward to 2009, I don't see how the Yanks will make the playoffs with the D-Rays and Red Sox in their division. They better open that checkbook wide.

Q: What do you think about Capital Punishment?

A: I think it's barbaric. I think that as human beings in 2008 we should be capable of better. I don't think it deters crime. I think that if we put even one innocent person to death, we should all be ashamed of ourselves. I have always felt this way.

But now...if someone did something horrible to my kid, I would want that person put to death. So I don't know how I feel about it.

Q: Are you excited about the show on Thursday?

A: Yes, although work may make me show up a little late. Also, some non-verbungle-reading officemates may be tagging along, so if you are coming please don't mention the blog. The job you save may be my own.

Q: What's the verdict on High School Musical 3?

A: It's no HSM 2. They really blew it.

Q: Should I wait to get huge?

A: It depends. Every situation is different. That said, I generally think it's a bad idea to wait to get huge. You only get so many chances.

IAQ part II

Q: Since you are a weepy little vegetarian puss-boy, I wonder: have you ever killed something? You might like it.

A: I don't like killing. I don't like dying. I don't like jokes about death. I don't like suffering. I believe most animals suffer in some way when they are killed. It's all bad.

That said, I have killed. I went fishing once. I caught like 5 fish. We threw 'em on some ice; I don't remember the rest but can only presume they later died. That one's on me, li'l fishes. Oh, and I accidentally stepped on my pet gerbil McIntosh when I was 6 years old, causing it to writhe spasmodically across the linoleum kitchen floor of our rented summer house, coughing up blood. It died a few minutes later, so we buried it in the backyard. When we visited the gravesite later that day it was swarming with ants.

Maybe that had an impact on me.

I did kill a mongo fucking waterbug thing at my mom's house last weekend. Not proud of it, but not feeling guilty either. It had to die. To me, insects are below the mercy line. It's not that I think they are too stupid to have feelings -- I have seen roaches scurry for their lives. It's more that I hate them and consider them the enemy.

Q: Do you like cabbies who go real fast, real slow, or somewhere in the middle?

A: Generally, real fast. I appreciate the effort to get me there quickly. However, I had a cabbie the other day who was lurching in and out of traffic so violently that it actually made me a little queasy. I was amazed he didn't bang into anything. He may never have an accident, but if he does, it'll be an ugly one.

Q: What's your take on those Heineken mini-kegs? I'm thinking about getting one this weekend.

A: Look, go get the mini-keg. They're pretty adorable. But be warned: it is not going to accommodate a large crowd. Or even a small crowd. Or even a poker game. It's like 12 beers. BJL, Joe Monkeyweb and I put one away during the Jets game a couple of weeks ago and it barely made a scratch in my sobriety.

12 beers. When I was a young man that was half a night. I remember showing up at parties with a couple of forties, partly trying to be different and willfully uncool, but partly also thinking, I'm gonna drink me 80 ounces of beer, EASY. And sure enough, I would. Then I'd steal somebody else's beer the rest of the night. Then everything would be so so good for a short while.

What I'm getting at is, if you are going to a snooty get-together this weekend, bring a mini-keg. FOR YOURSELF. Write your name on it in sharpie and ask that everyone refrain from touching it. You will win.

Q: How are you coping with the Yankees, well, you know, no jugarán en Octubre?

A: Reading a lot of SLAM magazine. Glaring at the squirrels. Sipping coldies when the bosses punch out. Revelling in Clemens's weird Stadium snub disappointment. Working like a dog. Rocking out to that old familiar love song. Mentally high-fiving myself for no reason. And, of course, thinking back on that crazy night at Jon's house when you, me, and Jimmy all paid $5.50 for Chinese food and Rolling Rocks.

Q: So you got your Hold Steady ticket. Who's going, and where are we meeting up beforehand?

A: Let's get a list. Pete, you in? BJL? I know Mike D. Hunt and his pal Finn will be there, fresh from Minneapolis. The show's all the way on the westside so maybe we should meet in midtown and then head over. Are you familiar with the phrase "Jimmy's Neutral Corner"? Just a thought.

Q: Say you got in a horrible accident, and all that was left of you was like a toenail, an ear, an eye, various digestive parts, and a brain. You couldn't talk, you couldn't move or communicate, you were just a sad thing in a bed. Would you want to keep living like this?

A: Yes. Every second on this sweet earth is an undeserved gift from the great mysterious whoknowswhat, and as long as I can think and sense in some way what is going on around me, I will accept the gift humbly.

To be clear: this is not to say I don't like KitKats and blowjobs.

Q: OK, say I'm having a post-bar extravaganza at my apartment and I have a magic music machine that has all the music in the world on it. As usual, you are the drunkest one there and, with only like 5 people left in the room, you decide you are now officially DJ. You badly need to inflict your taste on everyone else.What nine songs can you not resist playing, despite the fact that they are not necessarily party songs and everybody else is tired of them because you did the same thing at the last extravaganza?

A: at the moment:
-I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man
-Debris
-I Will Dare
-Incident on 57th Street
-Central Reservation
-Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues
-Monkey Gone to Heaven
-for fun, Laid
-then I'll let you pick one. Wait, not that crap.

Q: How do we get more IAQ's?

A: Send in some legit Q's.

infrequently asked questions

In case you're new to this blog, here is some basic information about me that you might find helpful.

Q: How fast can you throw a baseball?

A: I can throw a baseball roughly 60 mph.

Q: How much Budweiser beer can you drink?

A: I can drink Budweiser beer indefinitely. Basically, until you tap me on the shoulder and say, "Enough."

Q: What's in those non-FDA-approved green health shakes you've been drinking?

Brown Rice, Glutinous Millet, Sorghum, Millet, Job's Tears (wtf?), Glutinous Brown Rice, Barley, Red Bean, Black Sesame Seed, Soybean, Small Black Sesame, Potato, Kale, Angelica Utilis (dirty!), Cabbage, Radish, Radish Leaves, Barley Leaves, Broccoli, Leek, Carrot, Burdock, Codonopsis Lanceolata (they just made that up!), Pumpkin, Citron, Tomato, Shitake Mushroom, Reishi Mushroom, Laver, Brown Seaweed, Sea Tangle, Sea Lettuce.

Q: How do they taste?

Like a combination of Brown Rice, Glutinous Millet, Sorghum, Millet, Job's Tears, Glutinous Brown Rice, Barley, Red Bean, Black Sesame Seed, Soybean, Small Black Sesame, Potato, Kale, Angelica Utilis, Cabbage, Radish, Radish Leaves, Barley Leaves, Broccoli, Leek, Carrot, Burdock, Codonopsis Lanceolata, Pumpkin, Citron, Tomato, Shitake Mushroom, Reishi Mushroom, Brown Seaweed, Sea Tangle, and Sea Lettuce.

You can't hardly taste the Laver at all.

Q: Tell us about your "dunk" again.

A: It was questionable, but it counts. Sorta. Oh, hell, just have a look.

Q: What do you think of Facebook?

A: I am kind of addicted, but also on the verge of deleting my account at any given minute. It is scarily effective at what it does, but I could also see it leading to a bunch of really freaky shit happening, from professional embarrassment to busted friendships to...MURDER! Seriously. Kinda.

Q: What do you look like?

A: On a good day, like this. On a good night, like this. In a distant memory, like this. After a rough day at work, a little like this. Most often, like this.

Q: What's your favorite Replacements lyric?

A: Man, there's a shitload of 'em. Here's a good one:

pretty girl keep growin' up
playin' makeup, wearin' guitar
growin' old in a bar
you grow old in a bar

Q: Who's your secret crush?

A: It's really no secret: it's Lily Tomlin.

Q: How do you want to be remembered?

A: As a good father, a good husband, and...that's it. That's life, and that's what life is.

Just kidding, I got that line from an old insurance ad from the 80's.

I'd really like to be remembered as a streetball legend, but time is running out.

Q: With your skill set, how tall would you have had to be to play in the NBA?

A: 7'9" -- with no problem at all.

Q: If you could give one food magical nutritional powers that would make it the only thing you'd ever have to eat, what food would it be?

A: Probably popcorn.

Q: What basketball shoe from your youth would you like to own again?

A: Maybe the green X-Man Spot-bilts. They were sweet.

Q: How much do you sleep?

A: About 5 hours a night.

Q: What song lyric do you most often find yourself singing for no reason?

A: "When you're lost in the rain in Juarez, and it's Eastertime, too"

Q: Why should I waste my time reading your stupid blog, you moron?

A: You got me.

Q: What makes you cry?

A: Thinking about my pop. September 11th. Kids dying. Watching certain moments of corny athletic triumph and/or camaraderie. Regret. Bugs in my eye. Being punched in the nuts while coughing.

Q: What makes you laugh?

A: Mr. Bean. That's it.

Q: Who are your heroes?

A: Only failures have heroes. I've got like 50. You know who you are.

Q: What's Sexy Now?

A: I've got to be honest here: me.

Q: What is the general standard of excellence that we should all aspire to?

A: Beer-bong-beer.

Q: What will make you tip your cap every time?

A: Ordering the 2-egg special with 10 additional eggs.

Q: What is the best sport?

A: Basketball (when done right).

Q: What is the worst sport?

A: Hockey.

Q: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

A: California.

Q: When will you grow another moustache?

A: No time soon. Maybe in like two years (don't tell my wife).

Q: What's the best nickname you've ever had?

A: I've never really had a good nickname. The best one was probably Big Cock George.

Q: What's longer, a) the list of people throughout your life who you probably owe an apology to, or b) the list of people who should probably apologize to you?

A: a) by a lot. I've been treated incredibly fairly by people, and I've often been a dick in return. Sorry about that, humanity.

Q: What does everybody else like except you?

A: The "Lord of the Rings" movies.

Q: What does nobody like except you?

A: My singing. And your mom.

Q: Anything else?

A: Maybe later.