12 ways you can start being less of a douchebag RIGHT NOW!
1. When you walk into a room full of attractive women, squash your overwhelming impulse to make a comment about how there's "a lot of talent" on display.
Of course I am guilty of plenty of these things myself, but that's because I LIKE being a douchebag. Ten genius points for each additional piece 0f douchiness-reducing wisdom you can impart.
2. Go to your dresser. Open the drawers. See if you find any authentic or replica sports jerseys in there. Now open your wallet. Look at your driver's license. Are you over 14 years old? You are? Wrap up those nice jerseys and give them to a child.
3. Grow a moustache. Buy whatever moustache-grooming products you might need to keep it looking sharp. Proceed with confidence.
4. Specifically for Joe in the Bronx: If you are the captain of a sinking ship, don't wait 'til it's fifty feet below sea level to bust out the life preservers.
5. If you are reading this on your blackberry or PDA or whatevs as you SIT ON LINE FOR FOUR DAYS WAITING FOR A FIRST EDITION IPHONE, get up, wipe the street lint off your ass, and go home while you still have a shred of self-respect. Take that $600 you were gonna spend and donate it to Moustaches of Peace. You'll feel better, the troops will feel better, and we'll all share a laugh when the iPhone tanks with an unprecedented thud.
6. For every ten times you are about to share a personal secret/opinion/confession with someone, SHUT YOUR MOUTH INSTEAD like eight and a half times. Don't reveal what you're really like. The world will be just fine without a glimpse into your dark and damaged soul.
7. Whatever you do, stop quoting movies. In print. In bars. In frat houses. We saw the movie, and we thought it was much funnier when Will Ferrell said it. Or we saw the movie and didn't even think it was funny when Will Ferrell said it. Or we didn't see the movie and have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You can't win. Shut up.
8. As Jonathan Richman would say, don't pretend you like a girl when you really don't.
9. When something good comes your way, but you need to go through some uncomfortable/difficult/awkward shit to make it happen, don't wait. You'll just talk yourself out of it.
10. Designate one friend as your bitch-partner. Whine to him or her about whatever's pissing you off. Outside of these conversations, minimize your bitching. You've got it pretty good, douchebag.
11. If you are a married man, stop shirking your household duties. You are responsible for completing no less than one quarter of the chores.
12. Trim your pubes. Seriously, that shit is out of control.
3. Grow a moustache. Buy whatever moustache-grooming products you might need to keep it looking sharp. Proceed with confidence.
4. Specifically for Joe in the Bronx: If you are the captain of a sinking ship, don't wait 'til it's fifty feet below sea level to bust out the life preservers.
5. If you are reading this on your blackberry or PDA or whatevs as you SIT ON LINE FOR FOUR DAYS WAITING FOR A FIRST EDITION IPHONE, get up, wipe the street lint off your ass, and go home while you still have a shred of self-respect. Take that $600 you were gonna spend and donate it to Moustaches of Peace. You'll feel better, the troops will feel better, and we'll all share a laugh when the iPhone tanks with an unprecedented thud.
6. For every ten times you are about to share a personal secret/opinion/confession with someone, SHUT YOUR MOUTH INSTEAD like eight and a half times. Don't reveal what you're really like. The world will be just fine without a glimpse into your dark and damaged soul.
7. Whatever you do, stop quoting movies. In print. In bars. In frat houses. We saw the movie, and we thought it was much funnier when Will Ferrell said it. Or we saw the movie and didn't even think it was funny when Will Ferrell said it. Or we didn't see the movie and have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You can't win. Shut up.8. As Jonathan Richman would say, don't pretend you like a girl when you really don't.
9. When something good comes your way, but you need to go through some uncomfortable/difficult/awkward shit to make it happen, don't wait. You'll just talk yourself out of it.
10. Designate one friend as your bitch-partner. Whine to him or her about whatever's pissing you off. Outside of these conversations, minimize your bitching. You've got it pretty good, douchebag.
11. If you are a married man, stop shirking your household duties. You are responsible for completing no less than one quarter of the chores.
12. Trim your pubes. Seriously, that shit is out of control.
***
Of course I am guilty of plenty of these things myself, but that's because I LIKE being a douchebag. Ten genius points for each additional piece 0f douchiness-reducing wisdom you can impart.
Labels: douchebags, free advice
posted by hans q. bungle at 01:35
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