mullin'

Here are some realizations I've come to since the last time you read my blog:

1) I don't want to manage you. I don't want to have to tell you to show up earlier, or work harder, or that the work you just turned in isn't adequate. I don't want to hear you complain about the big boss, or about the work, or about your unfulfilling life outside this place. I just want you to do your work and smile and be a pro and make a dick joke when the moment is right. Can you do that for me?

2) The Yankees are kind of suck. When I used to think about Joe Girardi, the image that popped into my head was his legs churning as he raced around 2nd base on his way to that huge triple in Game 6 of the 1996 World Series. Now I see him on the top step, arms folded, shades on, looking vaguely pissed off but incapable of doing anything about it. Plus, it's funny to think about all the money they sunk into this team -- Teixeira, Burnett, Sabathia, etc. -- and how it might not mean anything if Douch-rod can't come back effectively. And how when they made those moves they presumably were in the dark both about Douche-rod's injury and his steroid stuff. And if even 1/3 of the crap that's been written about Douche-rod is true, he's a boil on the ass of humanity and it is impossible to root for him to succeed. So I don't see how to pull for this team without sacrficing an even larger part of your soul than usual.

3) I have about the same percentage of my basketball skills left as Grant Hill has of his. Make that Christian Lattner. Make that Christian Welp. Whatever the case, I still love playing and I have a small amount of tasty treats left in my junkbag. Watch out for my sweeping hook.

4) We got a margarita machine at work. Fridays will be frozen margarita days. One work margarita is enough.

5) June 5. I gotta make it to June 5.

6) I was wrong about Pabst beer. My dad was wrong about Pabst beer. It is terrible. End of story.

7) The job I am in now, as hard as it has been, has given me a huge leg up when and if I ever apply for another job. I am 80 times better at this stuff than I was three years ago. I hope you believe me, future employer person.

8) It's better to go to your regular $15 haircut dude, even if it means waiting a week, than to try a new place because it's more convenient.

9) I skip all Clash songs when they come up on shuffle.

10) I will be in California this summer and I plan on doing two of the following three things: L.A., S.F., and Las Vegas.

11) The new Yankee Stadium looks like a minor league park on TV. But not in a cozy and homey way.

12) Twitter is utterly stupid. Facebook is just mostly stupid.

13) Fingernails, a cigarette's a lousy dinner.

14) We really are lucky to have jobs. Especially Ahmad Rashad.

15) My kid can (sort of) write her name.

16) Sports Illustrated is only good when you read it in the dentist's office.

17) I hate Jonathan Papelbon and K-Rod equally.

18) I desperately need a new book to read.

19) I would like to start watching some old flicks on TCM. I am particularly interested in old Paul Newman movies.

20) I haven't watched it in like four years, but I am pretty sure Lost is still a piece of shit.

21) The idea of Texas seceding worries me not at all. I encourage the stupid people of Texas to secede. Stop talking about it and do it. I won't miss you. Vermont, you go too, it'll be cute.

22) The chances that Albert Pujols is not on some kind of PED's are next to nothing and we need to stop celebrating him as if he is clean. I think he is probably a good human and a remarkable player, but he is on something. Something very effective.

23) Rod Strickland is under-represented on youtube.

24) This clip kills me (go 35 seconds in). Marion Ross is no joke.

25) Scanning, like faxing, is an idea that seemed remarkably modern and cool for about two years, and now seems painfully outdated and nearly pointless.

26) Players I dislike who are still active in the NBA playoffs:
Gasol
D. Fisher
Kobe
Farmar
Vujacic
Kenyon Martin
JR Smith

27) Players I really like who are stil active in the NBA playoffs:
Ray Allen
Pierce
Garnett (sort of active)
Rondo
Aaron Brooks (based solely on tonight's performance)
Yao
Battier
Turkoglu

28. Worst announcing in decades?

29. Let's all drink iced coffee Tuesday at 10:37 a.m.

30. It is time to start accepting HIATUS suggestions.

a quick ten while he's away

1. It's always a good idea to periodically check on recently released movies to see how easily they can be retitled into pornos. For instance (in increasing order of absolute stupidity):

The Curious Cock of Benjamin Button (The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole?)
Cumdog Millionaire
Gran Whorino
Quantum of Phallus
Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skullfuck
The Spiderdick Chronicles
Pole Models
Rim's Island
Revolution Load
The Breastler
WALL-Eat Me
Marley and Pee

Keep 'em coming.

2. On BJL's recommendation, I took a few online ADD diagnostic tests. To my complete non-surprise, they all came up screamingly positive, as in, dude, go find a mental health professional in the next fifteen minutes. I told my wife about this, who thinks "yeah well maybe but really you just need to learn better habits." I am inclined to agree -- I think 90% of the people I know exhibit strong ADD symptoms. But I don't want to go on Ritalin or anything, so I guess I'll lump it with the rest of you losers.

3. Going to see Knicks v. LeBron on Wed. night with my ex-boss. I hope LeBron goes for Kobe's garden record. And I hope Ray Williams plays within the team concept.

4. I am looking for a signature dish that I can make for my wife/kid. It needs to be:
a) simple
b) not completely without nutritional value
c) kid-friendly
d) easy to make in a big batch and refrigerate/freeze

5. I miss my moped.

6. Super Bowl was great. I kind of just wish they had taken an extra minute to confirm that Warner's arm was not moving forward on that last fumble. I think they got it right, but I really wanted to see one final heave to the endzone with Fitzgerald jumping against the whole Steeler defense.

7. I am still reeling from the choice of Biz Markie for next year's halftime show, but in the end I think it is wise.

8. I think Hugh Jackman will be an affable but totally forgettable Oscar host. Next year, Biz Markie, goddammit.

9. Just a reminder: you're going to die. Sooner than you expect. And the vast majority of your waking hours will be spent doing some douchebag's bidding. By the time you are out from under the douche's command (band name?), your body will be a broken down husk of what it once was, full of mushed-up bones and failing organs, and 75% of life's pleasures will no longer apply to you.

The good news: drinking will still get you all kinds of fucked up.

10. HIATUS countdown: 115 days. Is that too soon to start a countdown.

***BONUS ARCHIVAL MATERIAL: After creating this post, I was feeling vaguely nostalgic for times that never existed, and I decide to take a stroll through the verbungle.com archives to see how far we've come. Here is what I found. What I think is interesting is 1) That I actually seemed to know about this smutlaw, or at least pretended to and 2) That five years ago, I was busy making up bad porno titles, just as I am today. Oh well.

2/4/4: The 60% Solution

No matter what your views on pornography are, it's hard to feel 100% happy about what's happened in Times Square over the last six or seven years. For much of his tenure, Mayor Giuliani crusaded to get rid of the seedy-ass sex shops that helped give the neighborhood its delightful hellish appeal. Eventually, in one of those weird compromises that pleases nobody, adult stores within 500 feet of residences, schools, or churches were only allowed to stay open if 60% of their business was devoted to non-pornographic merchandise. Now that didn't mean that 60% of their revenue had to come from non-smut, just that 60% of their floor space had to be devoted to "legitimate" stuff. A lot of businesses simply had to close down, or move to desolate areas where it would be hard to make ends meet (do you really want to go out to Staten Island just to pick up that fisting video your mother-in-law's been clamoring for?). But porn purveyors are not stupid, as a rule, so what some of them did is load up their shops with 60% of the most ridiculously unbuyable merchandise you'd ever come across, in an effort to meet the requirements. Now it doesn't make a lot of financial sense to own a store that's mostly filled with stuff you don't ever intend to sell, but it starts to add up when coupled with the fact that so many porno shops had to shut down. If you're one of five sex shops within a ten block area, instead of one of fifty, you can do some serious business even while offering a ton of shitty old mainstream movies, schlocky souvenirs and low-end electronics. So you wind up with places like the aptly named "Mixed Emotions," which to anyone who's got a brain is clearly catering to smut shoppers. But to appease some non-existent segment of the population that wants to hide the porn in plain view, they offer up crappy stuff like "Seven Years in Tibet" (not to be confused with "Seven Queers in Tibet" or "Seven Inches into Beth," which are located in different sections). So I guess the anti-porn people consider it a victory because they've considerably sterilized Times Square, and the pro-porn folks are OK because they can still get their hands on the goods, but shouldn't the human race have arrived at a place where we can be honest about who we are and what we want? If anything, the 60% rule has removed some of the stigma of entering a porn shop -- "Oh Hi Ralph, I was just here to pick up one of those hilarious fake Simpsons 'I Love NY' T-shirts. You too, huh?" -- which kind of takes the bite out of the law. You could argue that the rule has created a less seamy neighborhood without really sacrificing our ability to buy "dirty books" and the like (which may indeed be true), but it seems to me that it's up there alongside "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in that it forces us to pretend to be something we're not, because it's impossible to make us become something we're not. In all these years of struggle, haven't we earned the right to step forward and choose what we want for ourselves without being told what that is? And has Times Square really become any less nauseating, or has it just changed the manner in which it sickens you?

P.S. Before Giuliani left office, he was pushing legislation that would get rid of the 40% rule and make it legal to close down ANY shop that sells pornographic material. Does anyone know what happened with this?

The Black Hounds of McAdoo

some things I've been digging lately (at the risk of being hopelessly behind the times on all of them)

1. The book I am reading right now: Indecision by Benjamin Kunkel. I'm 50 pages in and loving it, just waiting for it to ascend into total awesomeness (I'm betting on it). Other possibility: it remains amusing as a series of observations but never really finds its plot. Worst case: it becomes totally annoying.

2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High -- no more than usual, but still a lot.

3. The baguette at Le Pain Quotidien. Sure it's a chain and it can get crowded and the service is spotty, but that bread is zee best.

4. My iPhone. Even though it seems to have slowed down pretty dramatically, I love the hell out of that damn thing. Here's me: walking down the street, boppin' the head, surfing the internet, smiling. Here's you: look at that fucker with his iPhone, what an asshole. (Then, deep inside your soul, here's you again, quietly: I wish I had one too.)

5. The song "Needle In Your Eye #16" by War on Drugs. Know nothing about this band, got the song on some compilation CD that came "free" with a $10 music magazine, and I was immediately like, hell yes! Good stuff, sounds like it could have been recorded any time in the last 40 years.

6. Budweiser beer. Yeah, I am back to the Budweiser beer. Fuck CoorsMiller or whatever it's called now, they're bad people. Plus, the Bud just goes down so easy. It basically drinks itself. That's how they should market it: Budweiser Self-drinking Beer. Also: work-drinking is something I'll miss when I someday move on to another job. We actually call a deli and have them deliver us beer at the office! We're the best!

7. NBA League Pass. I will be resubscribing unless they jack up the price.

8. Playing basketball. Had my best performance in a while the other day, although I rolled my ankle towards the end.

9. My real last name. It's always been a real clunker as far as I am concerned, although other people seem to get a kick out of saying it. But I have some little Irish name chart thing which includes two factoids that have made the name immeasurably more satisfying. One, that it roughly translates to "Black Hound." Two, that one of its variants is McAdoo. How awesome would it be if I changed my last name to McAdoo? How badly would you want to hang out with me? Badly, pal.

10. Walking to work in my newest pair of knockaround sneakers.

suitable replacements

15 bad things I wish I didn't like so much and 15 more enriching/less harmful alternatives that I wish I liked:

1. Cheetos/Broccoli
2. Old NBA Games from 1988/Old Movies from 1948
3. Granny Porn/Classic Works of Literature
4. Coke/Diet Coke
5. You/Me
6. Procrastination and Ensuing Panic/Industriousness and Organization
7. Morning Sleep/Evening Sleep
8. Calling my Johnson "Your Next American Idol"/Calling my Johnson "The Purple Phantom"
9. The Pass/The Run
10. Shitty Bars/Live Music
11. Immaturity/Maturity
12. Moustaches/Sideburns
13. Thinking About/Doing
14. Regret/Enthusiasm
15. Fisting/I'd probably still have to go with Fisting

2 GP's per pair for your own vice/replacement combos, maximum 10 pairs per person