review: indiana jones and the castle of greyskull or whatever

You know a movie is bad when you go in with lowered expectations and it still sucks.

Or when you decide you really want to like it and you are not going to judge it with a critical eye, you're just there to have fun and eat popcorn. And it still sucks.

Based on these two simple tests and I'm sure a number of others, the latest Indiana Jones movie sucks.

Within the first five minutes, you sense that this is not going to go well. There is an odd gopher gag right out of the gate that seems to be a nod to Caddyshack. It is an undeniable cue that you are in for corny Spielberg, not good Spielberg. Then you are hit with what seem to be 2 visual references to Close Encounters. (Which might have been OK if it didn't come on the heels of the gopher joke.) Then you see Harrison Ford and before you can even begin to think hey there's Indiana Jones this is gonna be cool, you hear some truly atrocious dialogue that seems to have been tacked on in a VO booth by someone trying and failing to sound like Harrison Ford. You are shocked by the amateurish weirdness of the opening scene.

Plus it's grumpy middle aged Harrison Ford, the one without the twinkle in his eye.

Then you meet Cate Blanchett, looking like a reject from the Power Rangers and talking like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle. At this point you are like fuck it, I surrender to the overwhelming badness of this movie, let's have fun.

And occasionally you do. There are some gross ants. There are a couple cool stunts and shots. There is a ridiculous but mildly amusing snake gag. But there is so much crappy CGI that you lose any sense of real danger for the characters. And without danger there is no excitement. Without excitement in an Indiana Jones movie you are in trouble.

Think about the action and fights and stunts from Raiders of the Lost Ark -- the scene under the truck. The bridge. The giant boulder. The dude getting nailed by the airplane propeller. As over the top as it was, it felt real. But this one seems so fabricated I half expected to find Wile E. Coyote waiting around the next corner with his Acme TNT.

I can't get over how these supertalented "action" directors can sign off on these awful special effects that completely take you out of the action. There is an elaborate car chase through the jungle in this movie that could have been great if it weren't for the distractingly obvious special effects. For me, once I see something in a live action movie that clearly was created on a computer, I check out of that scene. Why doesn't Spielberg hold this movie up against Raiders and say, nope, this isn't good enough? Let's go back and shoot it right.

There are plenty of other shitty things in the movie. Shia Labeouf is fairly shitty. The script is really shitty, to the point where I had to turn away from the screen during the banter between Ford and poor Karen Allen, who was brought back from the Hollywood scrap heap for this one and may decide in the end it wasn't worth it. There are more automatic weapons being fired and missing the good guys from 20 feet away than seemed necessary. There is a stupid plot involving super advanced space creatures from another dimension and it never takes Indiana Jones more than two seconds to figure out the next incredibly complex piece of the puzzle. I rolled my eyes about 72 times during the movie and believe me I was trying to just enjoy it.

Plus, the popcorn was way too salty.