IAQ vol. LXIX
Q: When is HIATUS? Any plans?
A: Starts in two weeks, lasts about 6 weeks. Plans: two and a half week California trip. Disneyland. Hoops. Beach. New books. Up to LA for a night or two with pals. Back to NYC. A couple of afternoon sessions at the bar. A matinee. An afternoon in Sheep Meadow. Good exercise and good clean living.
Plus a life-changing fitness plan that could put money in YOUR pocket. Wait til you hear (I figure out) the details.
Q: What do you make of LeBron walking off the floor and then out of the arena without saying anything to anyone?
A: I think it's lame. You get beat, you take your lumps, you act like a pro, you congratulate the guys who did it to you. Now if he had some extenuating reason for his mysterious walk-off (diarrhea?), I might think otherwise, but here was his reasoning:
"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."
So I guess the answer is, he's just a poor sport. I hope you're taking notes, little kids. It doesn't make sense for you to go over and shake somebody's hand unless you win -- in which case of course it makes no sense for your opponent to shake your hand.
All that said, I forgive the dude, and I still love him. And I know that means a lot to him. LeBron, my friend, you can crash on the Bungle Couch indefinitely when you sign with the Knicks and are looking for a place of your own.
Q: What do you wish would go away forever? (Not counting obvious and hopelessly permanent things like war, famine, etc. -- I mean things that might really go away)
A: Bathrooms with attendants. Websites with Flash intros. Jay Leno's career. Anchovies. Kobe. People who don't clean up after their stupid dogs. Slobbering Apple apologists.
Q: What do you always want more more more of?
A: David Sedaris books. HIATUSes. Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips. Big empty grassy fields. Beer fridges.
Q: What do you think of the new iPhone?
A: Well, it basically has all the things I assumed it would, but not much else. Do I want it? Yes. Was I hoping for more? Yeah, but I have no idea what exactly I thought it would do. It does all the cool stuff you would want, I think. I will get one when my contract runs out unless the world turns upside down.
Q: What is your favorite sport?
A: Hoops. I will record a basketball game and watch it later, sometimes even if I know who won. Won't do this with any other sport. I love basketball with an irrational and eternal passion. It has been this way since the moment I first fell for this game. I will defend it when I know it's wrong, I will stay with it even when it thoughtlessly breaks my heart, I will dream about it when it is off with another man. I can't help it. You got me, roundball.
Q: What do you think of Conan O'Brien's new show?
A: I dunno, Conan's definitely a funny guy and his old show sometimes made me double over with laughter, but I am totally unexcited about the new show. One thing people don't usually mention about Conan is that he has a pretty bad personality. Dude gets on my nerves to the point where I can only watch the comedy bits on the sow, not the interviews. He doesn't seem to have a real soul, at least not on air. I can't root for him or identify with him in any way.
Q: I was in a deli tonight and they had an over-the-counter sexual aid called "Weekend Prince." This is obviously the best name anyone will ever come up with for such a product, but do you have any other ideas along these lines, i.e. not so much focused on the penis but more on a euphemistic, symbolic notion of satisfaction?
A: Captain Suave. Rise and Shine. The Butler. Throbbing Commando. The Courteous Houseguest. Old Reliable. Up and At 'Em. Dashing Stranger. Randy's Way. The Total Gentleman. Pardon Me, Ma'am. Discreet Intruder. Shall We Dance? Valiant Sailor. Mr. Bang Bang. Straight Shooter. Uncle Tim's Parlor Trick. Doctor Yes. Tussy.
Please feel free to add your own.
A: Starts in two weeks, lasts about 6 weeks. Plans: two and a half week California trip. Disneyland. Hoops. Beach. New books. Up to LA for a night or two with pals. Back to NYC. A couple of afternoon sessions at the bar. A matinee. An afternoon in Sheep Meadow. Good exercise and good clean living.
Plus a life-changing fitness plan that could put money in YOUR pocket. Wait til you hear (I figure out) the details.
Q: What do you make of LeBron walking off the floor and then out of the arena without saying anything to anyone?
A: I think it's lame. You get beat, you take your lumps, you act like a pro, you congratulate the guys who did it to you. Now if he had some extenuating reason for his mysterious walk-off (diarrhea?), I might think otherwise, but here was his reasoning:
"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."
So I guess the answer is, he's just a poor sport. I hope you're taking notes, little kids. It doesn't make sense for you to go over and shake somebody's hand unless you win -- in which case of course it makes no sense for your opponent to shake your hand.
All that said, I forgive the dude, and I still love him. And I know that means a lot to him. LeBron, my friend, you can crash on the Bungle Couch indefinitely when you sign with the Knicks and are looking for a place of your own.
Q: What do you wish would go away forever? (Not counting obvious and hopelessly permanent things like war, famine, etc. -- I mean things that might really go away)
A: Bathrooms with attendants. Websites with Flash intros. Jay Leno's career. Anchovies. Kobe. People who don't clean up after their stupid dogs. Slobbering Apple apologists.
Q: What do you always want more more more of?
A: David Sedaris books. HIATUSes. Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips. Big empty grassy fields. Beer fridges.
Q: What do you think of the new iPhone?
A: Well, it basically has all the things I assumed it would, but not much else. Do I want it? Yes. Was I hoping for more? Yeah, but I have no idea what exactly I thought it would do. It does all the cool stuff you would want, I think. I will get one when my contract runs out unless the world turns upside down.
Q: What is your favorite sport?
A: Hoops. I will record a basketball game and watch it later, sometimes even if I know who won. Won't do this with any other sport. I love basketball with an irrational and eternal passion. It has been this way since the moment I first fell for this game. I will defend it when I know it's wrong, I will stay with it even when it thoughtlessly breaks my heart, I will dream about it when it is off with another man. I can't help it. You got me, roundball.
Q: What do you think of Conan O'Brien's new show?
A: I dunno, Conan's definitely a funny guy and his old show sometimes made me double over with laughter, but I am totally unexcited about the new show. One thing people don't usually mention about Conan is that he has a pretty bad personality. Dude gets on my nerves to the point where I can only watch the comedy bits on the sow, not the interviews. He doesn't seem to have a real soul, at least not on air. I can't root for him or identify with him in any way.
Q: I was in a deli tonight and they had an over-the-counter sexual aid called "Weekend Prince." This is obviously the best name anyone will ever come up with for such a product, but do you have any other ideas along these lines, i.e. not so much focused on the penis but more on a euphemistic, symbolic notion of satisfaction?
A: Captain Suave. Rise and Shine. The Butler. Throbbing Commando. The Courteous Houseguest. Old Reliable. Up and At 'Em. Dashing Stranger. Randy's Way. The Total Gentleman. Pardon Me, Ma'am. Discreet Intruder. Shall We Dance? Valiant Sailor. Mr. Bang Bang. Straight Shooter. Uncle Tim's Parlor Trick. Doctor Yes. Tussy.
Please feel free to add your own.
Labels: basketball, hiatus, IAQ, weekend prince
posted by hans q. bungle at 00:14
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