10/9/05: 9th inning, Yankees lead Angels 3-2

"Maybe after he (V. Guererro) pisses on his hands he rubs his batting helmet in doodoo."

9/28/05: 1st inning, Yankees lead Orioles 3-0

"The Oriole is such a lame mascot -- it must be really disheartening for them to look over at the scoreboard and see a little tweety bird on there. At least the Cardinal is majestic and regal -- Baltimore may as well be the Parakeets."

9/2/05: 1st inning, Yankees trail A's 6-0

"Wouldn't It be funny if baseball teams were forced to stop wearing white pants and white shoes after Labor Day?"

8/27/05: 2nd inning, Yankees lead Royals 2-0

"Those (the Royals') are the worst uniforms I've ever seen. Maybe if they had cuter uniforms they'd be more inspired. Who wants to wear a vest when they play baseball? It's not even attached to the shirt. That is so misguided."

8/23/05: 6th inning, Yankees trail Blue Jays 2-1

"Sheffield needs to hem his pants, he's going to trip over them."

8/23/05: 7th inning, Yankees trail Blue Jays 2-1

"I think it's cheesy when teams put abbreviations on their uniforms, like 'Jays'. You don't see the Yankees putting 'Yanks' on their uniforms.  I know the Mets is short for Metropolitans but that's different."

8/23//05: 8th inning, Yankees and Blue Jays tied 3-3

"Do you think the players from Toronto even care if they win or lose, or are they just happy to be playing in front of a big crowd? Or was that Montreal where nobody went to the games? Does Montreal even have a team anymore? No? They're in Washington, D.C.? Yuck. I'd much rather be in romantic Montreal eating poutine and going to Schwartz's for smoked meat than be down in D.C."

8/23/05: 9th inning, Yankees and Blue Jays tied 3-3:

"I wonder if Posada has hemorrhoids...not just him, but like, I wonder if that's the dirty little secret of catching."

8/22/05: No Game in Progress

"I think Paul O'Neill has been dressing very nicely as a commentator. It looks like he got rid of his manperm and gold chains and he's much less angry. He's got the wide tie and the button down shirt and the baggy pants, and it looks good. Maybe pleated pants are coming back.  Or maybe he's just from Ohio."

8/12/05: 8th inning, Yankees lead Rangers 6-5:

"Wow, Buck Showalter's gotten really ugly. He's starting to look like Philip Seymour Hoffman."

8/6/05, 4th inning, Yankees trail Blue Jays 4-3:

"Randy Johnson's pants are too tight. He needs to get them one size bigger."