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Updated: 01/09/2007

One thing we all like doing is making predictions. It can be a prediction about a sporting event, a political campaign, the course of a conversation, a turn of events at work, a global catastrophe, any old stupid thing. It makes us feel like we know stuff, like we're smarter than other people. The problem is, the only time a prediction is revisited is on the rare occasion when it actually comes to pass, and the predictor comes around for a gloating victory lap through all the people he made the prediction to in the first place. Of course, by this time, nobody except the predictor really remembers the prediction, nor do they clearly recall the countless other stupid predictions that the person made that never came true. So I conclude that oral predictions are as useless as Ralph Nader presidential campaigns. You need to step up and put your predictions in writing, and since I'm paying for web space anyway, you might as well send 'em to me so I can post 'em here, revealing you as the visionary you think you are or the windbag the rest of us suspect you might be. So send 'em in, smarty pantses -- they can be about anything you want, and we will eagerly await the results.

Completed Predictions in RED

Prediction #91: In the next 15 years it will be revealed that New York City's recent spate of 'smell takes over town' stories -- of both the gassy smell and syrupy smell variety -- are secret tests of the city's anti-terror air detection system. Mayor Bloomberg is aware of the program, which explains his sanguine demeanor in dismissing fears of a toxic spill during today's press conference.
Predictor: PBdotC
Date predicted: 1/8/07
Estimated moment of truth: 1/8/22
Result: TBD

Facts at time of Prediction: New York got all stinky today and nobody seems to know why.

 

Prediction #90: The Yankees pick up Jeff Weaver
Predictor: BJL
Date predicted: 6/30/06
Estimated moment of truth: soon
Result: Prediction Incorrect!

Facts at time of Prediction: Jeff Weaver, former Yankee flameout, has flamed out for another team and may become available very shortly.

 

Prediction #89: Before the year 2009 is out, a scientist will claim to have discovered a gay dinosaur.
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 6/16/06
Estimated moment of truth: 12/31/2009
Result: TBA

Facts at time of Prediction: At this time, no scientists that we know of have claimed to discover gay dinosaurs. Nor am I sure how hard they are looking. Nor do I know how the discovery of such a dinosaur would affect the evoltion-creationism and nature-nurture debates.

 

Prediction #88: Congrats on the wise purchase (Apple MacBook Pro, rev. A) Hans. I predict you will not be disappointed.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 3/2/06
Estimated moment of truth: 4/2/2006
Conflicting Predictions: I counter-predict that Hans will complain mightily about his new Mac and will say at least once that he is disappointed. - Dan K.
Result: Both Prediction and conflicting prediction are correct. I am no t disappointed, yet I have complained mightily.

Facts at time of Prediction: Apple just released its first Intel-based laptop, and even though there is lots of bitching on the message boards about a number of very real problems with it, Hans has gone ahead and bought himself one. Apple is so far behind in their delivery schedule that he probably won't get it until April, which might work out OK because it will give him time to cancel if he so chooses.

 

Prediction #87: THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA will stun Hollywood by collecting an Oscar nomination for Best Picture.
Predictor: Dan K.
Date predicted: 1/28/06
Estimated moment of truth: January 31, 2006
Result: Prediction Incorrect

Explanation for Prediction: Though it has received no pre-cursor awards or nominations, NARNIA is the current darling of the studio system, having earned more money this winter than KING KONG. It's still raking it in. The Academy will not let all five Best Picture nominations be for teensy weensy little indie or "studio-indie" films that have earned less than $40 million -- at least one slot will go to a blockbuster, and I'm betting NARNIA is it.

 

Prediction #86: Paris Bennett is your next American Idol.
Predictor: Hans B.
Date predicted: 1/26/06
Estimated moment of truth: May 2006?
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Paris finished 5th.

Facts at Time of Prediction: I've only seen a couple of episodes of this new season, but I am telling you right now that Paris Bennett is gonna take this shit. Give me odds and I will bet you.

 

Prediction #85: The Boston Red Sox will 1) win exactly 85 games this year and 2) miss the playoffs.
Predictor: Hans B.
Date predicted: 1/15/06
Estimated moment of truth: October 2006
Result: TBD

Facts at Time of Prediction: Like I said, the Red Sox will 1) win exactly 85 games this year and 2) miss the playoffs.

 

Prediction #84: The 2006 CBS fall lineup includes a spot for a series based on the Tom Selleck "Jesse Stone" TV movies
Predictor: Hans B.
Date predicted: 1/15/06
Estimated moment of truth: Fall 2006.
Result: Prediction so far incorrect, but CBS is making a new Jesse Stone movie and perhaps more are on the way.

Facts at Time of Prediction: CBS has aired at least two of these movies, and Selleck is kicking all sorts of ass (and crotch) in them. They have a hit on their hands if they want it -- an old-fashioned, 80's-style hit.

 

Prediction #83: Minky's next step will be to file a motion for removal to federal court.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 12/06/05
Estimated moment of truth: Soon, I reckon.
Result: Prediction Incorrect, I guess.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Red Sox won the World Series and then it started falling apart again. Apparently the team and ex-1B Doug Mientkiewicz are locked in a custody dispute over the ball that Mientkiewicz caught for the final out of the 2004 WS.

 

Prediction #82: The Colts will go undefeated in the regular season but will lose in the playoffs.
Predictor: cW
Date predicted: 11/29/05
Estimated moment of truth: January '06
Result: 1/1/5: Prediction Incorrect! At least the first part.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Them Colts is 11-0 and lookin' might tough. But Peyton Manning has a Marino-like tendency to bitch at his teammates, leading some experts to wonder if he possesses the leadership qualities to take them all the way.

 

Prediction #81: The Yankees sign Nomar. He DHs and plays 1B and CF
Predictor: BJL
Date predicted: 11/23/05
Estimated moment of truth: 4/1/06
Result: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Nomar is a FA and the Yanks could use his bat. (Assuming it still works now that he's kicked steroids.)

 

Prediction #80: I predict that Joe Girardi will be a spectacular failure in Florida. In fact, I will go on record and predict that he won't make it through the 2006 season, perhaps due to some kind of breakdown.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 10/20/2005 11:44 AM
Estimated moment of truth: 9/30/06
Result: Prediction (barely) incorrect - Girardi got canned, but the canning doesn't take effect until after the season. Nice prediction anyway.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Joe Girardi is probably an idiot but has been given the chance to manage a baseball team anyway. 11/29/04 update: Florida's dumping their whole team and it's not even December. Breakdown imminent!

 

Prediction #79: Tino Martinez will never get another hit ever again.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 10/9/5
Estimated moment of truth: 4/9/06
Result: Prediction Brilliantly Correct: Tino retired soon after this.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Tino's been a prince in the clubhouse since he came back to the Yanks, but the bat seems like maybe it's crawled off to die somewhere.

 

Prediction #78: The Yanks will win this series.
Predictor: BJL
Date predicted: 10/9/05 12:50 pm
Estimated moment of truth: 10/10/05, 11:47 p.m.
Result: Prediction Incorrect, but I believe I may have precisely called the end of the series to the minute.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Yanks trail the Angels 2 games to 1 in their best of 5 ALDS series.

 

Prediction #77: I will hit the game-winning called HR in this weekend's softball season finale. Furthermore, it will be a walkoff shot (if D. Lee allows my team to bat last in the second game).
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 8/24/05
Estimated moment of truth: 8/28/05, 8:57 p.m.
Result: 8/29/05: Prediction Incorrect! I did hit a couple of nice foul balls though.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: I am a pretty lousy hitter, and indeed I haven't hit a called shot in about two months. But it's time.

 

Prediction #76: Kerry Wood will undergo shoulder surgery before Sept. 30. 2005.
Predictor: BA
Date predicted: 7/26/5
Estimated moment of truth: By 9/30/5
Result: 8/29/05: Prediction Correct! BA is 1 for 1!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Kerry Wood is among the all-time leaders in both wasted potential and shoulder injuries. As of today, he is on the DL with a sore shoulder.

 

Prediction #75: Within the next year, a person will be attacked by a giant squid or octopus, causing a well-founded fear of the sea.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 7/8/5
Estimated moment of truth: By 7/8/6
Result: Prediction sort of correct, considering Steve Irwin's tragic death.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Giant Squids have been biding their time, waiting to attack and kill us all. Leading scientists agree that the day may soon be upon us.

 

Prediction #74: Pete will have a new website up and running within 6 months.
Predictor: Lara
Date predicted: 6/7/05
Estimated moment of truth: By 12/7/05
Result: 10/6/5: Prediction Correct!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Pete B. stepped down today after a long and glorious run as wbm$tr of www.petebrush.com. Much like the day when Ryan Minor took over 3rd base for Cal Ripken, Jr., it is a time for reflection and quiet mourning in the District.

 

Prediction #73:  I reiterate my earlier Mattingly 3-week prediction. (see #70 below)
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 6/6/05
Estimated moment of truth: 6/27/05
Result: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Don Mattingly is the Yankees hitting coach. The Yankees are losing, and they keep putting a bunch of 1's and 0's on the board.

 

Prediction #72:  If Jacko is found guilty (*of anything remotely serious) he will either make a bogus suicide attempt or fake a terminal illness.
Predictor: D. Lee
Date predicted: 6/3/05
Estimated moment of truth: 6/15/05
Result: N/A

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Jacko's personal shit has been soaring towards his oversized fan for a long time, and it now appears that we may be approaching the moment of impact. On a side note, I enjoy the fact that everyone is fascinated by the Jacko case. Usually when a celebrity hits hard times, a few people you know will be all, "Who cares? There's way more important stuff going in the world than that."  But Jacko is so bizarro that we all care; even the New York Times had him on the front page the other day.

 

Prediction #71:  Jacko will be acquitted on Monday, June 6, in the afternoon.
Predictor: PBdotC
Date predicted: 6/1/05
Estimated moment of truth: 6/6/05
Result: 6/6/5: Prediction Incorrect! Nothing yet. Although he eventually was acquitted, so I guess this one is half-right.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Jacko has seemingly been on trial seven months.

 

Prediction #70:  Don Mattingly will be fired (or "reassigned") within the next 3 weeks.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 4/30/05
Estimated moment of truth: 5/21/05
Result: 6/2/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Don Mattingly is the Yankees hitting coach. The Yankees are losing, and they keep putting a bunch of 1's and 0's on the board.

 

Prediction #69:  A former Nazi is elected Pope.
Predictor: Big Jim Lang
Date predicted: 4/18/05
Estimated moment of truth: Any damn day now.
Result: 4/19/05: Prediction Correct!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The pope has gone on to the great pope cushion in the sky, so all the wannabe popes have gotten together for a secret pope-picking session to name his successor.

 

Prediction #68:  O's will make playoffs, displacing either the Red Sox or Yanks. FYI - I made this prediction on Friday night while watching the Yanks-O's w/ the wife.
Predictor: Deion
Date predicted: 4/17/05
Estimated moment of truth:10/2/05
Result: 10/2/05: Prediction Incorrect! What a disaster of a season in Baltimore.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The O's have beefed up an already-potent lineup with the addition of Sammy Sosa.  Their pitching is looking stronger than expected, and they are off to a hot start.

 

Prediction #67:  Within one month of Marv Albert's debut as the Nets' announcer on YES, the YES Network will begin airing a promo or series of promos based on the following model: we will see amazing Nets highlights set to music, possibly including Jason Kidd feeding Vince Carter an alley oop off the backboard, and every time one of the Nets makes an outside shot in these highlights, you will hear Marv's call, including his signature line, "Yes!" For instance, you'll hear, "Here's Jefferson, open for three -- YES!" "Kidd, to Carter -- YESSS!" At the end of the promo, they'll have a shot of Marv in the studio and he'll say "Only on YES!"
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 4/17/05
Estimated moment of truth:12/1/05
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Although not that far off.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Apparently Marv was too opinionated for James Dolan's taste, so he was let go.  And YES has hired him.

 

Prediction #66:  A lame local news personality will do a lame local news story on the Big Fucking Hawk/Big Fucking Falcon in Stuy Town. Follow-up prediction: the Hawk/Falcon is going to be named something lame like Petey after the neighborhood in which it was found.
Predictor: EJ
Date predicted: 4/11/05
Estimated moment of truth:5/1/05
Result: 11/28/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: No doubt about it, there is a vicious falcon living in Peter Cooper/Stuy Town.

 

Prediction #65:  I will not hit any balls, called or uncalled, over the fence this summer, but I will hit exactly one ball off the fence on a fly.
Predictor: Dan K.
Date predicted: 4/11/05
Estimated moment of truth:9/1/05
Result: 8/29/05: Prediction Correct!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: "I am a solid softball singles hitter, as evidenced last night; those two rips into the near corner of left field were as hard as I can possibly hit a ball, and they didn't even come close to making it to short porch in left. In critical moments of the game, I am always encouraged to call my shot, so I do, but there is almost no chance at all that I will ever hit it over the fence. Last summer I hit exactly one ball that caromed off the wall about a third of the way up, and I predict I will do the same this year. Balls caught that might otherwise have hit the wall do not count."

 

Prediction #64:  Pedro will throw a no-hitter for the Mets this year.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 4/10/05
Estimated moment of truth:10/2/05
Result: 10/2/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Pedro pitched a two-hitter today, causing Joe wonder if maybe he's still got some magic left in his arm and perm.

 

Prediction #63:  The 2005 Yankees will win 115 games.
Predictor: Big Jim Lang
Date predicted: 4/5/05
Estimated moment of truth:10/2/05
Result: 8/29/05: Prediction Incorrect! Just not enough games left for this to happen.

Conflicting Predictions: "These Yanks are all going downhill at the same time. This team could end up 82-80. In fact, that's a prediction." - Joe M., 4/19/05
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Yanks have made some solid improvements to last year's 101 win team.

 

Prediction #62:  THE POPE WILL BE BURIED THIS WEEK
Predictor: Big Jim Lang
Date predicted: 4/3/05, 12:18 pm
Estimated moment of truth:4/10/05, 12:00am
Result: Prediction Correct! Just barely!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Pope finally passed away, after taunting Big Jim for the better part of two months. What do they do with dead Popes?

 

Prediction #61:  THE POPE WILL DIE TODAY
Predictor: Big Jim Lang
Date predicted: 4/1/05, 2:16 am
Estimated moment of truth:4/2/05, 12:00am
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Pope still hanging on at 12:51 am 4/2/5

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Pope has fooled Big Jim Lang before.  But he's definitely approaching Croaksville with his foot placed firmly on the gas this time.  Will he make it through the day?

 

Prediction #60:  In the next 6 months, there will be a god-awful movie released by the insufferable Nora Ephron titled "Blogged!" or something to that effect. Sort of like a "You've Got Mail 2." With an edge.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 3/30/05
Estimated moment of truth:9/30/05
Result: 10/2/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Blogging is the newest term/craze to hit the pop culture mainstream. Nora Ephron is unafraid of exploiting such things for easy profits.

 

Prediction #59:  Michael Jackson gets off via a mistrial
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 3/8/05
Estimated moment of truth:3/26/05 5:22 pm EST
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Found not guilty.

Conflicting Predictions: Michael Jackson will (moon)walk. Jacko may be a boy toucher but he ain't going upriver for it this time. Not guilty is the verdict. -cW, 3/9/05
Facts at Time of Prediction: Wacko Jacko is on trial for molesting a young boy.

 

Prediction #58:  I will win at least 1 NCAA Tournament Office Pool this year.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 3/6/05
Estimated moment of truth: 4/4/5
Result: 4/5/5: Prediction Incorrect! I am pretty sure Joe struck out this year, or we'd all be hearing about it.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Joe M. has the remarkable distinction of winning the FN office pool two years in a row. He is always dangerous and there's no doubt he will make a run at the gold.

 

Prediction #57:  I will hit called-shot home runs from both sides of the plate in the Bungleball league this summer.
Predictor: PBdotC
Date predicted: 3/3/05
Estimated moment of truth: 9/1/05
Result: 8/29/05: Prediction Incorrect! But Pete did hit several towering righty shots.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: PBdotC's lady friend Lara has been offered an internship in NYC which will free Pete up to participate in at least a few of our silly Sunday night softball games.  There is currently a rule in effect allowing you one at bat per game in which you can "call your shot" and get credit for a home run if you knock it over the fence.  The feat has been achieved several times, although I'm not sure if anyone has successfully called their shot from their weak side.  You might be able to look it up here.

 

Prediction #56:  THE POPE WILL DIE TOMORROW
Predictor: Big Jim Lang
Date predicted: 2/24/05 7:05 am EST
Estimated moment of truth: 2/25/05
Result: 2/28/05: Prediction Incorrect: The Popito is still kicking it live in Vat-city.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The pope, he's not doing so good.

 

Prediction #55:  cW will NOT retire from the lyric stumpah game. He may sit out the first few entries, but then he'll see one that he knows the answer to and he'll figure, "I might as well answer it if nobody else if gonna," and soon after that he'll be sucked right back into the thick of the race.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 2/11/05
Estimated moment of truth: 2/28/05
Result: 5/25/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Music Encyclopedia cW just triumphed in the hard-fought exhibition* season of the lyric stumpah game. Apparently the stress was getting to him, and he has announced that he does not intend to participate in the fully official next round.  Giddy in victory, he even threw down a Michael Jordan comparison.  As site manager/Editor in Chief/I.S. technician/creative director here at verbungle.com, I have in the past occasionally overestimated the readership's intrerest in all the dumb challenges we post here.  But I feel confident that lyric stumpah II will be just as popular as Lyric Stumpah I, in part because the formula is so winningly simple.

* Yes, using the word "exhibition" here is a naked attempt to goad cW into returning.

 

Prediction #54:  Eagles, 17-13
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 2/4/05
Estimated moment of truth: 2/6/05
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Nobody really came all that close on this one.

Conflicting Predictions: cW: Eagles 35 Pats 31
Facts at Time of Prediction: Super Bowl is this Sunday. Pats are favored by 7 or so. We are not sure how close Big Jimmy Lang has to be to get a "prediction correct." I think if the Eagles win a close game and both teams have between 10-20 points, we'll give it to him.

 

Prediction #53:  The snow will overload a scaffold somewhere in NYC and kill a homeless person under it.  The papers will solemnly eulogize the bum; the city will pay for his funeral and he will be forgotten 2 days later.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/22/05
Estimated moment of truth: 1/29/05
Result: 1/31/05: Prediction Incorrect! All homeless fatalities were efficiently covered up by the Mayor's Office of Homeless Affairs.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: It's snowing like CRAY-ZEE here in NYC today. Bundle up and avoid scaffolding.

 

Prediction #52:  This "blizzard" will be a bust here in NYC. The City will receive between 6-8" of snow, not the 17 feet they are predicting.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 1/22/05 2:05 am
Estimated moment of truth: 1/23/05
Result: 1/31/05: Prediction Incorrect! We had about 13 inches or so.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: A big blizzard is apparently hitting NYC this weekend, with some weatherfolk predicting accumulations as high as 17 feet.

 

Prediction #51:  Ron Artest will be reinstated either during the regular season this year, or for the start of the playoffs. Within a week of his return, he will haul off and do something stupid which will result in his re-suspension for the remainder of the year.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 1/22/05
Estimated moment of truth: April 2005
Result: 5/25/05: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Ron Artest was suspended for the season by the NBA for his role in the Pistons-Pacers brawl in Detroit last November.  David Stern, perhaps realizing his punishment was too harsh, is in the process of allowing Artest to practice with the team again.  In all the reports I saw on the suspension, I never saw it explicitly stated whether "suspended for the season" includes the playoffs.  I always assumed it did, but maybe Stern has left himself an out clause. 

 

Prediction #50:  Yao Ming retires from the NBA by age 30.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 12/2/04
Estimated moment of truth: 9/11/10
Result: TBD

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Yao Ming is a 24 year-old center for the Houston Rockets.  He has great talent and a wonderful demeanor, but is saddled by this fact: no giant (player 7'3" or taller) has ever made a long career for themselves in the NBA.  I ain't gonna count Shawn Bradley. He also has to deal with a major cultural adjustment, having grown up in China.

 

Prediction #49:  Now that it is December, I am fully anticipating the complete and utter collapse of the New York Jets. My prediction is that their demise will be as spectacular as anything in their history, missing the playoffs on the final play of their season. fucking Jets.
Predictor: Joe M.
Date predicted: 11/30/04
Estimated moment of truth: Sunday, 1/2/05, approx. 4:28 p.m.
Result: 1/2/05: Prediction Incorrect. The Jets did their part, losing in sudden death on the last play of the season.  But the Patriots couldn't win their way into the playoffs, so the Jets are in. 1/2/05: Prediction partly correct: Upon lobbying and further review, this prediction gets "partly correct" status: the Jets did collapse spectacularly, and they may still be in the process of collapsing further, but even their sincere attempt to miss the last playoffs on the last play of the season wasn't enough, as the BILLS (our bad) couldn't win to complete the prophecy. 

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Jets are 8-3, poised for a playoff spot but stuck in a very competitive AFC.  They usually find a way to rip your guts out.

 

Prediction #48:  By the end of the 2005 baseball postseason, a player, coach, or umpire will be struck by a fan-hurled flying object and hospitalized.  This will take place on the field of play in one of the four major sports.  Actually, fuck hockey, they won't be playing and who cares about them anyway.  This will happen in basketball, baseball or football.  BONUS PREDICTION: There will be a typically heavy-handed response from the sport in question, involving patdowns, metal detectors, and/or (heaven forbid) a two-beer limit per customer.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 10/25/04
Estimated moment of truth: 11/1/05
Result: Prediction Incorrect! But I think I am onto something.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Stuff is getting thrown onto the field at a record rate, with the Yankees-Red Sox series now holding the unofficial mark for the most potentially-lethal objects thrown during the course of one series.

 

Prediction #47:  By March 9th, 2008, gambling will be legal in 46 states or more.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 10/10/04
Estimated moment of truth: 3/9/08 at the latest
Result: TBD

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: Gambling seems to be on the rise, due to the introduction of internet gambling and the increased number of casinos on Indian reservations.  But I am too lazy to confirm this.

 

Prediction #46:  As mentioned at a meeting of the mindless at barfly. In the Yes pinstripography lineage of dent to leyritz to sojo to boone, olerud is next in line for the 2004 Postseason.
Predictor: Deion
Date predicted: 10/7/04
Estimated moment of truth: 10/25/04 at the latest
Result: Prediction Correct! 10/13/04: Olerud takes Pedro deep for the winning margin. 10/25/04 update: I dunno.  The Yanks lost; Olerud's homer is now meaningless.  I'm gonna have to give this one a "Prediction Incorrect" upon further review.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Yanks are in the postseason for the tenth straight year.  Deion thinks Olerud will contribute a mighty blow at some point along the way.

 

Prediction #45:  The Red Sox are going to finish first in the AL East this season.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 9/28/04, 8:06am EST
Estimated moment of truth: 10/3/04, 5pm at the latest
Result: 9/30/04: Prediction Incorrect!

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: The Yankees led the Red Sox by three games with six games left for each team.

 

Prediction #44:  Sammy Sosa will hit between 46-48 home runs in 2005.  The Cubs will even make it to the World Series, largely on Sammy's back.  After that, I can't say for sure what will happen.
Predictor: Hans
Date predicted: 9/28/04
Estimated moment of truth: October '05
Result: 11/28/05: Prediction Incorrect. Waaaay Incorrect.

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at Time of Prediction: I know there are a lot of doubts about ol' Sammy: age, cork and steroids among them.  But I say the guy is too proud to go out just yet.  Cubs fans who have given up on him will eat their words throughout the 2005 season.

 

Prediction #43:  John Kerry will get more votes than any candidate in the history of U.S. politics and win the coming election with roughly 330 electoral votes. (The current recordholder is Ronald Reagan, who got 54.4 million votes in 1984.) Kerry will not eclipse Reagan's 58% majority, however.
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 8/17/04
Estimated moment of truth: 11/2/04
Result:11/3/04: Prediction Incorrect -- but Kerry did get the most votes of any democrat in history

Conflicting Predictions: I think it's going to be much closer than that, but what the hell do I know? -Ed.
Facts at time of prediction: John Kerry is running for President against miserable failure George W. Bush.  Somehow, the polls remain close.

 

Prediction #42:  Team USA wins men's basketball gold in Athens.
Predictor: SRC
Date predicted: 8/16/04
Estimated moment of truth: 8/28/04
Result: 8/29/04: Prediction Incorrect. Bronze ain't that bad, though.

Conflicting Predictions: Everybody and their uncle has written off this team.  I don't know if those count as formal conflicting predictions.
Facts at time of prediction: The U.S.A. basketball team was already under fire before they lost their opening round game to Puerto Rico by 19 points.  Right now they are being held up as a symbol of all that is wrong with America. 

 

Prediction #41:  I am going to the Yankee game on Friday night with my wife, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law. I predict I will get a foul ball.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 8/2/04
Estimated moment of truth: 8/6/04
Result: 8/6/04: Prediction Incorrect. "I came within 20 seats twice, and that is it. No foul ball for me."

Conflicting Predictions: "I don't think he will." -SRC
Facts at time of prediction: VRF has been to many, many games, and gotten zero, zero foul balls.

 

Prediction #40:  A major league baseball player will physically attack an umpire during a heated argument (no spitting, actual fisticuffs or tackling) by the end of next season.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 7/23/04
Estimated moment of truth: 10/1/05
Result: 10/2/05: Prediction Incorrect! (I think)

Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Umpires and players have been really going at it lately.  Shit is starting to boil over.  Players are dicks. Umpires are even worse.  Much worse.

 

Prediction #39:  An era of sports ecstasy will dawn over the District.
By the end of 2005:
- The Redskins will return to glory, and the Super Bowl
- DC will have a scrappy NL team
- The young, revamped Caps will return to the playoffs
- Freddy Adu will become a force in MLS
- (And the Wizzerds will continue to eat balls.)
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 7/13/04
Estimated moment of truth: 12/31/05
Result: Prediction not correct very much.
Comments: None
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: DC sports generally suck ass these days and have for some time now.

 

Prediction #38:  Vladimir Guerrero will win the Triple Crown this season.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 6/30/04
Estimated moment of truth: 10/1/04
Result: 9/30/04: Prediction Incorrect! Nope, didn't happen.
Comments: "On a side note, Mariano (Best Pitcher Ever) Rivera will break the all-time single-season saves record this year." -SRC 11/3/04: Prediction Incorrect -- and he even began to show his mortality in the postseason
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: VG is currently 3-5-2 in the AL in BA, HR, and RBI, respectively.

 

Prediction #37:  At least one major marquee event at the Olympics will be cancelled, not because of Team Evil Doers, but due to the host country's utter ineptitude. This likely will manifest itself in the form of some architectural malfunction.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 6/1/04
Estimated moment of truth: Sometime between 8/13/04 and 8/29/04.
Result:  8/29/04: Prediction Incorrect. Shit was pretty hitchless, other than psycho priest boy.
Comments: None
Conflicting Predictions: None
Hesitant Additional Prediction: "Also, and I don't like predicting this, several injuries will be the result of the aforementioned malfunction (in addition to the event's cancellation)." -VRF
Facts at time of prediction: The olympics are in Athens this August, and there has been a lot of talk about security and the safety of the athletes.

 

Prediction #36:  Orioles Third Baseman Melvin Mora will get on the American League All-Star team by virtue of leading the American League in batting with a .362. He will come into the game in the bottom of the 6th inning to replace Alex Rodriguez (who will hit a 2 run homer in the top of the 6th to tie the game 2-2) and promptly commit an error on a hot grounder through the wickets, allowing at least 2 runs to score. He will be heartily booed. Then he will come up to bat in the top of the 7th and hit a 3 run homer giving the lead back to the American’s who will hang on to win 5-4.
Predictor: Chris B.
Date predicted: 5/19/04
Estimated moment of truth: 6th and 7th innings, All-Star game, July 13th , 2004. Houston, Texas.
Result: 7/12/04: Prediction Incorrect: Mora failed to make the team, despite a .347 BA.
Comments: "I will only accept a 'prediction correct' if all these events occur in this way. I’m so sure that this is the way it will go down, I’m not even going to watch the game, I will opt for 'Sanford & Son' re-runs on TV Land." - Chris B.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Complementary Prediction: Three of Melvin Mora's kids will be in the major leagues by 2025. -SRC
Facts at time of prediction: Melvin Mora is hitting .383 and has quintuplets.

 

Prediction #35: Rumsfeld will "step down" by the end of next week.
Predictor: Chris W.
Date predicted: 5/7/04
Estimated moment of truth: Friday, 5/14/04
Result: 5/14/04: Prediction Incorrect: Rummy's still standing, but the heat is definitely on.
Comments: I want Trump to fire his ass. -Ed.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Rumsfeld is the jefe at the Pentagon, and the U.S. armed forces are behaving like savages in Iraq under his watch.  There is a lot of speculation that he will be fired or forced out soon, as he is becoming yet another albatross for Bush.

 

Prediction #34: A homeland terrorist threat is thwarted at a crucial point in the Bush campaign ..all thanx to the amazing anti-terror policy passed by the white house. (*bonus prediction: the evil-doers involved can't be publicly questioned because of "national security" or that fact that they're DEAD.)
Predictor: D. Lee
Date predicted: 4/29/04
Estimated moment of truth: November '04
Result: 11/3/04: Prediction Incorrect! And he still won!
Comments: Seems like everybody thinks Georgie's gonna spring one on us. - Ed.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Six months to go...

 

Prediction #33: Ralph Nader's NOT going to fuck up the election. In fact he's going to 'come correct' for fucking it up last time. Either with a last minute withdrawal from the race and an endorsement of Kerry or (hopefully) some other kind of high powered political maneuver that we lay persons would never think of.
Predictor: Chris S.
Date predicted: 3/30/04
Estimated moment of truth: November '04
Result: 11/3/04: Prediction Sorta Incorrect!  He did his best to fuck it up, but his candidacy was just too anemic and he made no real difference. So I guess it's got a little bit of correctness....props tp Pete B. for correctly dismissing the Nader campaign as a big nothing all along.
Comments: Basis for prediction: This article.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Nader's moley ass is running again.  Depending on who you talk to, he either did or didn't fuck it up last time. 

 

Prediction #32: Martha wins on appeal.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 3/17/04
Estimated moment of truth: "when her appeal is decided."
Result: Prediction Incorrect! Now that she has served her time, I assume she's not going to appeal.  I could be wrong, I guess.  I ain't no lawyer.
Comments: Props to her for getting this far in life with the name "Martha."
Conflicting Predictions: "Martha will not win on appeal, and she will serve about 6 months in prison." - Big Jimmy Lang
Facts at time of prediction: Martha Stewart just got her ass convicted of some shady shit.  She plans on appealing that shit.

 

Prediction #31: I predict that the Red Sox will seek a court order enjoining the Yankees and Rangers from making the ARod-Sori swap. This will take place 24-28 hours after the trade is announced (but not necessarily blessed by the commish office).
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 2/14/04
Estimated moment of truth: Any second.
Result: 3/16/04: Prediction Incorrect! Just some mild whinin'.
Comments: Kevin Millar will be their legal representation.-Ed.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: The Red Sox mortgaged their souls in a fruitless attemot to land reigning MVP Alex Rodriguez.  The Yankees, who never had souls to begin with, then swooped down and gobbled him up in an instant.

 

Prediction #30: One more major snow storm before this god forsaken winter is over.
Predictor: VFS
Date predicted: 2/10/04
Estimated moment of truth: 3/21/04
Result: 3/16/04: Prediction Correct! Work wasn't cancelled, but it snowed all fucking day.  I say it counts. 3/18/04 update: Still snowing.
Comments: It ain't over, yet. We haven't had one full day of work cancellation.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: It's been a cold and cruel winter, with God showing us the entire repertoire of nasty shit at His/Her disposal for making us feel uncomfortable.  Yet as bad as it's been, there hasn't been that one defining snowstorm that brings the city to a halt.

 

Prediction #29: Sometime this summer, I'm going to say in mid-August, Dick Cheney will bow out of the presidential race, allowing G.W. Bush to select a different running mate. Cheney will cite his heart condition and Bush will say how he "regrets" the decision. Veep will save face even as he's shown the door.
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 1/26/04
Estimated moment of truth: Summer '04
Result: 10/25/04: Prediction Incorrect! Dickie's hangin' tough.
Comments: Who will be the replacement VP? 
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: The current administration has been trying to distract us from their terrible job performance with concocted stories about outer space and warnings about steroid use.  Cheney is one Eggo away from a fatal heart attack, but he's sinister enough to find a way to wield even greater power from a freshly-created cabinet position in the second term (Secretary of Fucking Up Shit for Everybody But My Boys?).  

 

Prediction #28: Osama bin Laden was captured months ago and will be trotted out by the Bushies right before the election for optimum political effect. In fact, right now he's chained to a radiator in the White House basement being poked with a stick by Karl Rove.
Predictor: CW
Date predicted: 1/22/04
Estimated moment of truth: 11/02/04
Result: 11/3/04: Prediction Incorrect!  I guess they didn't need him.  Unless you think they staged the videtape. I can actualy see Rove and his henchmen discussing whether to bring him out.  "Should we unleash operation Osama, Mr. Rove?" "No, I talked to my buddies at Diebold.  We don't need him yet.  Let's save him for next March, when W.'s approval ratings shrink to 33%."
Comments: "This may be my favorite conspiracy theory ever. I guess the conspiracy part will be hard to prove, but if Osama just happens to be "captured" between now and the election, it'll be awfully con-vee-nyunt." - CW 
"If Osama is caught after September 1st but prior to the election, I will give CW full credit for this one." -Ed.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: "Osama is supposedly the most wanted man in the universe, though this little Iraq war sure took the heat off him. George W. Bush appears politically vulnerable on every single issue except for the so-called War On Turrism. To be reelected it would behoove him to have some sort of grand stroke on that front."

 

Prediction #27: The Slickerbockers will make it to the NBA Finals.
Predictor: Mr. Sandals
Date predicted: 1/21/04
Estimated moment of truth: April,  May, or June 2004
Result: 5/7/04: Prediction Incorrect! The lifeless Knicks got they asses swept by the Nets, who look like they might get swept themselves in Rd. 2.
Comments: "On a side note Kurt Thomas will hit the shot that puts them in the Finals." - Sandals
Conflicting Predictions: "I like it, but I think it's a stretch." -Ed.
Facts at time of prediction: In the span of two weeks, The Knicks transformed themselves from the embarrassing uncle who drinks from the toilet into everybody's un-secret office crush.  The triple point guard attack of Thomas-Wilkens-Marbury has us all giggling with delight, but of course there is another shoe out there somewhere, soaring high above the city, and we know what eventually happens to even the most aerodynamic flying shoes.

 

Prediction #26: Jayson Williams will be convicted on a manslaughter charge. 5/1/04: Prediction Incorrect! He got off on one MS charge, the jury deadlocked on the other. No doubt about it.  I don't even think the prosecutors think he did it intentionally, but the fact that he covered it up afterwards is what's going to send him to the big house. Sentence: 3-5 years.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/21/04
Estimated moment of truth: April or May 2004
Result: Prediction Incorrect! See above.
Comments: "Some lawyer ass-clown who reads this page will disagree simply for the sake of being an ass-clown lawyer who knows the jargon." -Big Jimmy Lang
Conflicting Predictions: Why should there be any? After all, there's "no doubt about it." 1/24/04: "Jayson Williams will walk.  Is "ass clown" legal jargon?" - VRF, lawyer ass-clown.
Facts at time of prediction: Mildly amusing party boy and ferociously one-dimensional NBA rebounding stud Jayson Williams is on trial for aggravated manslaughter in the death of a chauffer almost two years ago.  The incident took place in Williams' mansion.

 

Prediction #25: Despite much anecdotal and scientific evidence to the contrary, Spring will not come this year.  We in NYC will simply have to learn to adapt to sub-freezing temperatures, permanent snow, and f-ing ice everywhere. The DOT will start building skyways to make it tolerable to get around.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/21/04
Estimated moment of truth: Eternity, or summer, based on how you interpret this prediction.
Result: Prediction Incorrect: Spring is here. fools.
Comments: Skyways rule.
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: It's been so cold in New York over these last few weeks, the flashers in Central Park are merely describing themselves.

OK, I stole that from a Dick Cavett monologue.

 

Prediction #24: This year's Super Bowl between the Patriots and whoever they are playing will be the lowest rated in the last ten years.
Predictor: SRC
Date predicted: 1/21/04
Estimated moment of truth: 2/2/04
Result: Prediction Incorrect! And how!  It turned out to be the highest-rated SB of all-time.
Comments: I've never seen a less interesting matchup.
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: New England will face a nameless expansion team in the Super Bowl on Feb. 1.  We gotta look up the old ratings at some point to see if this is right.

 

Prediction #23: Roger Clemens will sustain a hamstring injury by June 1st of next year, forcing him on the DL. A lot of stories will be written about whether his legendary workout regime led to him wearing down. He will retire at some point later in the year, it will be tearful and Andy Pettitte will unexpectedly turn up at the press conference announcing it, hug Clemens behind the podium, then deliver a falsely impromptu speech about how Clemens changed his life. Clemens will look baffled by the display of human emotion and will say something about joining the military.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/14/04
Estimated moment of truth: 6/1/04
Result: 10/25/04: Prediction Incorrect!
Comments: God willing.
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: Other than the greatness of Michael Jordan, there is nothing the sports media likes to discuss more than the Clemens offseason workout program.  They never point out the fact that Clemens is always at least 15 pounds overweight and has a big lumpy ass, instead they refer to his "lower-body power" and "strong base."  Ah who knows, maybe they're right.  Clemens recently called off his two-month retirement so he could join his buddy Andy Pettitte with the Astros this season.  It could be said that no athlete in history has ever been so good and so unloved as the Rocket, and to his credit he continues to find new ways to annoy us twenty years into his career.  Luckily for Yankee fans, we always recognized him for the Hessian bastard he is, and never formed an emotional bond with him.

 

Prediction #22: Roger Clemens will join the military at some point after he retires.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/14/04
Estimated moment of truth: Sometime in the next ten years, probably.
Result: TBD
Comments: He's probably too fat to make Delta Force.
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: "He spoke so much about wanting to represent the USA at the Olympic Games that you have to believe he'd really rather be killing non-Americans. His retirement will bore him to tears, and Andy Pettitte's insane (and, honestly, a little childish in a "Davey & Goliath" sort of way) Christian proselytizing has almost certainly made him hate Jews and Moslems, so I'm sure he'll sign up to go kill 'em all."

 

Prediction #21: The company that designed the amazing yellow line that indicates the approximate yardage needed for a first down will find a way to actually project a line onto the field itself, and this will become the new system of determining first downs in the NFL.  The guys who hold the chains will be re-trained to operate the line-beaming device, so nobody will get laid off.  This new, vastly more efficient system will be in place for the 2007 season.
Predictor: SRC
Date predicted: 1/10/04
Estimated moment of truth: August 2007
Result: TBD
Comments: It will be cool if each stadium can get the line in their home team's colors.
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: The yellow line debuted in 1998 and is now widely considered the greatest technological advance of the 20th century.  Sportvision, the company that designed the system, has thus far not announced plans for beaming an actual line, but I have confidence.  It takes four men to operate the current system, and no doubt the new system will require more.

 

Prediction #20: There will be a sex scandal in space by the end of the Year 2010. It is equally likely to be a gay sex scandal as it is to be a straight sex scandal.
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 1/8/4
Estimated moment of truth: 12/31/10
Result: TBD
Comments: Again, does this prediction assume that all the space stories are true?  If the big liars who told us we have a dunebuggy on Mars right now tell us there's been a sex scandal, does that mean this prediction is true?
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: The Bush administration, which must be getting back some incredible approval numbers based on recent "events," is pushing forth with some aggressive goals for the space program. This would be exciting if the current accomplishments weren't an increasingly-more-ridiculous series of lies.  The newest idea is to put some dudes on Mars and to set up a "space station" on the moon.  I hope they bring their transmogrifiers. Couldn't this $400 billion or whatever it is be spent some better way, like curing AIDS or giving me the power of flight?  Anyway, as far as we know at this point, nobody has ever fucked in space.  Except Captain Kirk, who will probably be commanding the offending spaceship.

 

Prediction #19: That little dunebuggy "robot" (for god's sake) they'd have us believe is trying to get down the spacecraft's(!) ramp on Mars will encounter further difficulties and end up not being able to "beam" useful shit back to us. That won't stop the "scientists" from telling us that the "robot" is sending back data on how Mars is really made of milk chocolate and snot. To clarify: The damn Martian robot shite is gonna break its camera.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 1/8/4
Estimated moment of truth: That shit will be all busted by January 16.
Result: Prediction Correct (off by just five days)! On 1/22/04, NASA admitted that they have lost contact with the dunebuggy -- things must be really fucked up for them to be unable to even provide some fake Mars footage.  Imagine if a bunch of Martians went up to the thing with crowbars and just knocked the shit out of it? They should go back to the tape and check it out. 
Comments: Does this mean there is actually a dunebuggy robot on Mars?
Conflicting Predictions: None.
Facts at time of prediction: NASA claims to have put a dunebuggy on Mars (note how it's always a dunebuggy, not a sturdy tank-type vehicle).  They have been sending pictures back from Mars that are of higher quality than anything I have taken with my swanky new digital camera.  It is likely all a charade, and an increasingly brazen one: the day before yesterday, the NASA dudes had the nerve to pass out 1950's-style 3-D glasses to the press corps, who gladly strapped 'em on to enjoy the cool new shots of "the red planet" (which looks a lot like Nevada).

 

Prediction #18: I PREDICT THE YANKEES WILL SIGN GREG MADDUX AND HE WILL WIN 18 GAMES FOR THEM.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 1/2/4
Estimated moment of truth: September 30, 2004.
Result: Prediction Incorrect. Maddux rightfully is a Cub once again.  But the Yankees got A-Rod. 
Comments: The prediction was sent in in all caps so I assume that means the predictor is extra-sure of its accuracy.
Conflicting Predictions: None -- in fact, Dinny's dad agrees.
Facts at time of prediction: Greg Maddux has been one of the most maddeningly consistent pitchers in history, winning 15-plus games every year dating back to the Reagan administration, his talent matched only be his complete lack of charisma.  A free agent this winter, he has thus far been unable to find a team willing to meet his demands for that one last big contract, despite the fact that his quest for 300 wins should put some asses in the seats.

 

Prediction #17: Andy Pettitte's career will enter a steep decline in 2004.  8/18/04: Prediction Correct! He will win less than 14 games for the Astros this season 8/18/04: Prediction Correct! and finish up his career with only 204 wins after arm struggles.  He will be buried in the four WS rings he owns today, the only four he will ever earn.
Predictor: SRC
Date predicted: 12/8/03
Estimated moment of truth: September 2004, September 2008, June 2051.
Result: So far, so good. See red text. 10/2/5: Um, except now he's dominating.
Comments: "I make this prediction from my gut, the gut that's full of Pettitte's buckshot right now.  I reserve the right to retract it later.  It just seems to me that Pettitte and the Yankees were one of those symbiotic combinations that turned a lefty with slightly better than average stuff into one of the most reliable big-game pitchers of his generation and a possible hall of famer." - SRC
Conflicting Predictions: Actually a supporting opinion: "I think Pettitte will be shut down this season with "bone chips" or "spurs" in his left elbow." - VRF 8/18/04: Prediction Correct!
Facts at time of prediction: Andy Pettitte, fresh off a 21-win season, signed a three year deal with the Astros today, despite the Yankees offering him $7 million more over the length of the deal.  He is 31 years old and has 149 career victories. 

 

Prediction #16: The TV show "Punk'd" will be cancelled in the next 16 months due to a prank that goes horribly awry.  The loathsome Ashton Kutcher and the show's other Executive Producers will be charged with a felony for their part in this incident.  They will eventually accept a plea bargain that keeps them out of jail but forces them to pay thousands of dollars in fines.  Subsequently, they will be sued successfully by multiple parties, racking up close to $40 million in damages.
Predictor: SRC
Date predicted: 12/4/03
Estimated moment of truth: March 2005.
Result: 1/5/03: Prediction Incorrect. Kutcher pulled the plug on the show in December 2003, citing his need to branch out and express his complete douchiness in other, even more douchey ways.  Or is he just "punking" us? 5/7/04: I think he may have been punking us! His stupid show is back on.
Comments: "The incident in question will involve a combination of the following elements: a knife; a gun; a rap star; a boat; car; a fake prostitute. The episode will never see air.  However, bootleg copies will surface on Chubba, a filesharing application that will come to prominence by the end of 2004." - SRC
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Ashton Kutcher is the loud, unfunny host of a TV show called "Punk'd," in which no-name actors pull mean-spirited practical jokes on Hollywood celebrities. 

 

Prediction #15: My prediction (#12, below) will come true.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 12/4/03
Estimated moment of truth: Sometime between 4/04 and 10/04. If by chance this comes to pass, it would most likely be in September.
Result: Prediction Incorrect!
Comments: "With the departure of Johnson (I love the trade by the way), Mattingly is that much closer to playing 30-35 games at First Base to give Giambi a rest. Can you predict that your prediction will come true?" - VRF
"Of Course you can. What kind of world would this be if you couldn't?" - Ed. (although this reflects pretty badly on the state of the predictions page).
Conflicting Predictions: There was a conflicting prediction to the earlier prediction, but that does not apply here.
Facts at time of prediction: On 11/4/03, VRF predicted that Don Mattingly would be on the Yankees active roster for at least one game in the 2004 season.

 

Prediction #14: A pitcher will begin to regularly throw a baseball at 105mph+ within the next 3 years
Predictor: Ambrose
Date predicted: 11/20/03
Estimated moment of truth: October 2006
Result:  Prediction Incorrect!
Comments: "Yes, of course I mean steroids.  It'll be some guy who's done little or nothing in his career despite having a live arm and throwing 95mph (maybe his fastball is straight as an arrow or something). He'll juice up and suddenly be unhittable. If MLB isn't serious about curbing steroid use, the pitchers will gain the upper hand over the hitters (as more and more of them dope up) and we'll see another era like the late 60s.  Andy Pettitte, Eric Gagne, Curt Schilling, Jason Schmidt, Russ Ortiz, Tim Worrell, Esteban Loaiza, Eddie Guardado, et al will soon be the norm - guys who suddenly add 5-10mph on their fastballs - it'll be ridiculous."
Conflicting Predictions: "Ridiculous." - VRF
Facts at time of prediction: The annals of baseball are full of unsubstantiated stories of men throwing up to 108mph, but a quick google search suggests the fastest speed ever officially recorded remains Nolan Ryan's 100.9mph in 1974.  In recent years, several players have passed that unofficially, the fastest being Mark Wohlers at 103mph in 1995.  The legendary wild man Steve Dalkowski was thought to throw around 105, although this was never substantiated.

 

Prediction #13: The New York Knicks will make the playoffs this year.
Predictor: Steve C.
Date predicted: 11/5/03
Estimated moment of truth: April 2004
Result: 4/15/04: Prediction Correct!  They shook things up and they squeezed in.
Comments: This will happen only because it absolutely should not.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: The Knicks, despite having one of the most expensive collections of talent in the league, are a bland, lifeless entity that plods through games, defying you to watch.  They have started the season 1-2.  Still, they play in a weak enough conference that they might just sneak through to the playoffs. This would anger most Knicks fans, who think the team needs to get even worse so it can be properly dismantled. 

 

Prediction #12: Don Mattingly will be on the Yankees active roster for at least one game next season.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 11/4/03
Estimated moment of truth: Sometime between 4/04 and 10/04. If by chance this comes to pass, it would most likely be in September.
Result: Prediction Incorrect!
Comments: "If he is on the roster, I want to see him at shortstop." - Ed. 
Conflicting Predictions: No he won't. This is wishful thinking from someone who has unexplored sexual feelings for Mattingly.  But Mattingly is too smart to allow himself to be turned into a sideshow freak.
Facts at time of prediction: Don Mattingly retired in 1995 after an excellent career that was diminished by chronic injuries.  He was just hired as the Yankees hitting coach for next season.  He is 42 years old and enjoys food.

 

Prediction #11: Don Mattingly takes over as Yankee manager in 2005.
Predictor: Big Jimmy Lang
Date predicted: 11/4/03
Estimated moment of truth: Winter 2004-5.
Result: Prediction Incorrect!
Comments: "Somehow it will be spun that a year of telling Soriano that he should lay off the outside slider is enough to make him a top-flight manager."
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: Mattingly was just hired as a hitting coach, and perhaps he feels that a nice run as manager could vault him, like Joe Torre, into the Hall of Fame as a player-manager combo.

 

Prediction #10: "As much as it scares me ... Ween is going to be the next Grateful Dead."
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 11/1/03, in a bar
Estimated moment of truth: I guess when one of the guys in Phish dies or gets busted for kiddie porn.
Result: TBD
Comments: Pete's a little too reserved to send in any predictions via email, but you get a couple of beers in him and he turns into Jimmy the Greek.  He does want it made clear that he does not miss the Grateful Dead, merely that he thinks, "the currently unassigned mass of human culture that used to follow the dead is likely to gravitate toward Ween."  Note that I am not cooperating with Ween's suggested capitalization of the "n" in "Ween."  I refuse to do so in order to maintain my objectivity.
Conflicting Predictions: None, now that Right Said Fred have officially packed it in.
Facts at time of prediction: Like The Grateful Dead, Ween have an insanely dedicated fan base, made up largely of obsessive drug addicts.  They have recently begun releasing their own records, and they encourage the trading of live shows.  They have not as yet achieved the fame or popularity of the Grateful Dead, but they combine musicianship with eclecticism and humor, making it worthwhile for fans to attend multiple shows. 

 

Prediction #9: The Los Angeles Dodgers will be in the World Series next year.
Predictor: Pete B.
Date predicted: 11/1/03, in a bar
Estimated moment of truth: Approximately 10/22/04
Result: Prediction Incorrect! But they did make the postseason.
Comments: Pete has a lifetime 1.000 winning percentage on bar-based predictions.
Conflicting Predictions: Most people would probably disagree with Pete on this one.
Facts at time of prediction: The Dodgers were 85-77 last year, with their typical imbalance of great pitching and crappy hitting (which I guess is partly a function of their stadium).  There is some talk of them going after Nomar or some other big names.

 

Prediction #8: The Yanks will win the World Series this year, and I am looking forward to it.
Predictor: VRF
Date predicted: 9/30/03
Estimated moment of truth: sometime in the next three to four weeks.
Result: 10/25/03: Prediction Incorrect. The Yanks got shellacked by the Marlins.  The Marlins. 
Comments: VRF also hates Joe Morgan.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: The Yankees tied for the best record in baseball this year, and they are about to start an opening round series against the Twins.

 

Prediction #7: Within the next 11 years, cell phones will make (at least) 43% of the world's population deathly ill, with cancer, rotting brains, etc.
Predictor: SRC  
Date predicted: 9/14/03
Estimated moment of truth: 9/14/14
Result: TBD
Comments:  Other than just being wrong (which I guess I must grudgingly admit to be a possibility), there are a couple of things that can prevent this from coming true:
1) People start getting sick really soon, and cell phones are either eliminated or modified somehow to make them safer.
2) By the time this comes to pass, my brain will be filled with cell phone-related caverns and tunnels, and I will be spitting up apple sauce in a hospital somewhere, unable to post an update to this website.
Conflicting Predictions: None
Facts at time of prediction: There are now two groups of people in Western society: those with cell phones, and the homeless (of course, the homeless are the ones that could really use them).  Despite hundreds of studies, nobody really knows how harmful they are for your health.  



 

Prediction #6: Ben and Jen will be broken up or divorced in the next 14 months.
Predictor: SRC  
Date predicted: 8/21/03
Estimated moment of truth: 10/21/04
Result: 9/14/03: Prediction Correct.  While it's too early to say it's over forever, I will gleefully do exactly that -- a report came out today that says they have broken up. On the day they were going to get married.  They both remain horrid as individuals.  My only fear is that the breakup is a hoax.  That, and ventriloquist's dummies. 10/12/03: Well, maybe not "correct" as of this moment, but it was temporarily correct and it will be correct again.  I guess this is another prediction. 1/22/03: Prediction Correct. I have to give myself major credit for this one. I was right once, then the doubters surfaced, so I held strong and re-predicted my original prediction.  Then today the sweet news came in again.  In total, this gives me three correct predictions: the first one was right twice, and the re-prediction was right once.  Not a bad day at the office.
Comments:  I think they probably won't make it to their wedding day, but I will play it safe and say they will break up by next October.  I am a loser for discussing this.
Conflicting Predictions: Additional information:  they initially scheduled their wedding for 9/14, then indefinitely postponed it (sort of making me a little bit right), citing a leak to the media that would jeopardize their privacy. "I think they are still going to get married on Sunday, 9/14.  The cancellation is a hoax to fool the press." - Meeri C.
Facts at time of prediction: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are engaged to be married.  They are both horrid celebrities.  He recently partied with some strippers, possibly performing some strippalingus on them.