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#49 (11/17/04):
a.
Your dream ticket for the '08 election -- can be for either party, or you
can mix and match, or you can just pick a couple of pro wrestlers or
something:
b.
A disturbing physical change you've noticed in yourself with age:
c.
Three things you'd like to see happen in the next four years (don't have
to be political, can be personal or professional or related to pop
culture, etc.):
a. McCain/Ventura
b. Sunburn on scalp
c.
-more hybrid vehicles
-move up tax bracket or two
-major political assassination |
a.
Jagger-Richards '08
b. Hair. It's not all there.
c. I'd like to eat three times more pussy. |
|
a. Tom Hanks/ Bruce
Springsteen
b. im noticing visible veins in my legs where they shouldn't be.
they're not really obvious, but i know they're there.
c. i'd like to see...
...good ipods for under $100.
...a hybrid truck- with all the power of a gas powered truck.
preferably made by Dodge
...jon stewart and bill maher regcognized as legitimate politcal
pundits.
...american idol off the air, and all the winners back to having
real jobs.
...the soprano hysteria cease |
a.
Madame Monkeyweb/ Frau Verbungle
b. I am much more attracted to older women, like the 57-year old
mom-
to-be.
c.
1. Arrest
2. Conviction
3. Appeal
4. Reversal |
a.
Bungle/ Monkey
b. E.I.P.L. (Ever Increasing Penis Length)
c.
1) I'd like to see the New York Yankees finish in 4th place in the
A.L.
East. Despite history's first quarter billion dollar payroll.
2) I'd Like to see Ray Lewis take Terrell Owens' head off in a red
zone
collision.
3) Id Like to actually Solve a Stumpah.
Perhaps if Hans posts something from "Frontiers" I will have a
fighting
chance. |
a.
A Giuliani/Sharpton ticket would be pretty funny
b. abundant nose hair
c.
- An airline that flies all one class comfortably (like business
class
throughout) and for only a slightly higher price than discount
coach.
- A heavy commuter tax on non-NYC drivers coming into Manhattan.
It
would have to be so high that it discourages drivers from using
their
cars to commute.
- Napster's rebirth. |
a.
mr. bung and mr. monkey
b. six times a day is a thing of the past
c.
A new Kate Bush CD.
A Career.
A pox on the white house. |
a.
edwards / ken salazar for the dems
b. life raft around waste
c.
nuke waste in yucca mountain
palestinian state
death of rehnquist |
#48 (11/5/04):
a.
Something that people collect (e.g. stamps, comic books) that they
shouldn't, and something that people don't collect but should:
b.
Someone you wish hadn't died before their time:
c.
Three people or things you once liked and are now embarrassed you did:
a. Shouldn't
-- Scabs or boogers. Should -- Pre-condom gay porn
b. Herve Villechaize
c.
1. Miami Sound Machine
2. Curly Fries
3. Roller Disco |
a.
Love Letters...from old relationships..../ People don't collect
their thoughts before opening their fat mouths...
b. Bob Hope
c.
1. Motley Crue
2. The Greaseman
3. Don Johnson's Wardrobe (circa miami vice) |
|
a. souvenir spoons/souvenir
scabs
b. Rod Stewart - spiritually, I mean
c.
-Rod Stewart (see above)
-Nick Cage (is there a bigger tool out there?)
-Billy Joel (Remember those days hangin' out at the village green?
Ugh!!!) |
a.
venereal diseases; pink slips
b. that chick the cops killed in Boston
c.
1. the Yankees
2. the Mets
3. the Knicks |
a.
do but shouldn't - concert stubs, don't but should - old cell
phones
b. JFK
c.
Dungens and Dragons
Poison
Cat Stephens |
a.
Fuck coupons; collect knowledge.
b. My dog: Missy. She was fantastic.
c.
My first graduate school advisor: his soul is dead.
I feel all right with the rest of me and my shit. |
a.
U2 Albums - Ween Albums
b. Obi Wan Kenobi
c.
Archie Comics
Heathers
Friends |
a.
souvenir spoons- hotel room keys
b. the sublime guy
c.
Bush I
the Rat Race
PT Cruisers |
a.
Little porcelain pieces of shit/Staplers
b. Kurt Cobain
c.
- A Flock of Seagulls
- Luke Skywalker
- Southern Comfort |
a.
I know a woman with an enormous collection of antique rug beaters.
I think she should collect her toenail clippings instead.
b. Frank Zappa
c.
1. Wilco
2. Joe Lieberman
3. Jerking off with mayonnaise |
#47 (10/27/04):
a. An animal that we treat as food that we should treat as a pet, and
an animal that doesn't deserve its pet status and should be eaten (e.g.
Lamb/Guinea Pig):
b. A restaurant you'll never eat at again, its
location, and the dish that made you come to this decision:
c.
Three things you feel extremely confident doing:
a. mollusks
- dogs
b. any place with dirty clams in the linguini
c.
-skiing
-peeing
-shitsacking |
a.
Rabbit/goldfish
b. Saracen, Wainscott, crappy pasta
c.
-Writing condescending and vaguely threatening letters.
-Hailing a cab.
-Driving. |
|
a. Pussy/ Pussy
b. Poo's House of Szezuan Poo. Dish to avoid: The PooPoo Plater.
c.
-Wanking.
-Telling Jokes.
-Wanking. |
a.
deer/parrot
b. my kitchen; here; my nasty proscuitto pasta dish
c.
-cursing
-walking
-sleeping |
a.
cow/ferret
b. Dallas BBQ, NYC, some sloppy brisket mess. Ugh.
c.
1. rocking
2. fucking
3. jacking |
a.
Chickens/Budgerigars
b. Babbo/ The Village/ Calf's Head
c.
- Batting lefthanded
- Discussing baseball
- Criticizing Hans Verbungle |
a.
tuna/ goldfish
b. Casey Jones, Long Branch, NJ, their 'famous' ribs
c.
-driving
-carpentry
-supporting kerry/ opposing bush |
a.
we should eat humans
b. Shitbox McColonblow
c.
-reading the bungle
-bring the news to the people
-stepping right up to that goddamn bar and ordering a goddamn pint |
a.
Chicken/Egg
b.The Coffee Trader, Milwaukee, and it was not the dish I was
served but the service my group received in 1990 that spawned this
still-standing grudge
c.
1. parallel parking
2. cooking pasta of all types
3. answering this question |
a.
hamsters
b. blue water grill - pubic hair in my mouth
c.
-cunalingus(sp?)
-taking a dump in public bathrooms
-going into the dirty movie section with swinging doors |
c.
-bloggin
-shnoggin
-crackin noggins |
#46 (10/4/04):
a.
You have been sentenced to die by lethal injection tomorrow at 9am.
Your last meal request:
b.
Favorite movie about a real person (otherwise known as a "biopic"):
c. Create three phrases you would like to see replace "gas face" in the
vernacular (when something sucks, it gets the "gas face")
a. bananas
and blow
b. fear and loathing in las vegas
c.
put that starsky back in the hutch
that gets the ballsack backslap |
a.
eat me!
b. Catch Me If You Can
c.
fuck off
toss the mattress in your face
fuck off |
|
a. Cheeseburger, french
fries, and an ice cold Coca-Cola
b. Raging Bull
c. I would like for nothing to replace "gas face." But if
something must, let it bet one of the following:
- "ass face"
- Something that sucks can get an "Al Goldstein"
- "George Bush League" |
a.
Bacon double cheeseburger with fries. No onions.
b. 'American Splendor'
c.
The butthole.
The wingwang.
The fas gace. |
a.
buffalo wings and bleu cheese (i will try to fill my veins with
cholestorol so as to fight the injection)
b. forrest gump
c.
"is ass"
"is bunk"
forget it, the gas face is as good as it's gonna get for now |
a. KFC
b. Benji
c.
"Peace to the Gods and Earfs"
"Read these Nikes"
"Step to A.M." |
| a. a
rope and crowbar, over easy |
a.
Bearded Clam Bake.
b. "Kid Stays In The Picture" Biopic Of Film Producer Robert "Bob"
Evans.
c.
The Shoe. As In: "...that gets the shoe" (This is a keeper.
-Ed.)
Ass. As in: "...this is so ass."
I only got 2 |
a.
Cheerio's
b. Chaplin
c.
fas gace
blows ass
bites |
#45 (9/20/04):
a.
Something you purchased that you are not proud of:
b.
Guilty Musical Pleasure
-or-
Cool made-up name for a made-up cocktail and what would be in it:
c.
Three jobs you would prefer to your own
-or-
Three broadcasters you'd like to see shit-canned:
a. Latex male
masturbation device.........
b. Deep Anal....Bailey;s and Kaluah with a giant carot sticking
out.
c.
1) Rubber Duckie Squeak Tester.
2) Vivid Video Fluff Technician.
3) Chairman of the Marijuana quality control board. |
a.
pocket puzzy
b. jus de puzzy
c.
being the guy who test's pocket puzzys
being the guy who test the life size animatronic women
being the guy who gets to put the plaster on the models for the
life size dolls. |
|
a. A mitt that was too small
from Mean Old Steve
b. Nena "99 Luft Ballons"
c.
Answer 1:
CIA Clandestine Officer
FBI Agent
President
Answer 2:
Michael Kay
John Madden (yup)
Bob Costas |
a.
a hand job at a massage joint in chinatown
b. Forget me Fuck- 150 proof grain alcohol, bubble gum kool aid
c.
(I'm assuming shit-canned is the same as getting porked in the
poop chute -- Actually, it means getting fired from your job,
which might affect your answers - Ed.)
1. katie couric
2. downtown julie brown
3. jon kelley on extra |
a.
i used to buy hair gel.... lots of it.
b. 70s Soft Rock
c.
The guy who thinks up the names of paint colors
mall arcade manager
parking lot attendant at the beach |
a. Queen's final
album (the dreaded musical 'inertia purchase')
b. Ghetto Shandy - Hurricane Malt Liquor & Rock Creek Ginger Ale
c.
Bill O'Reilly
Rush Limbaugh
Michael Savage |
a. book of 'Love
Poems'
b. Posion or Spice Girls
c.
1. Inspecting hotels for the Four Seasons throughout the world. 2.
Personal assistant to Liz Phair or Naomi Watts. 3. Professional
poker player |
a.
Monthly membership to backseatbangers.com
b. Debbie Gibson, "Only in my Dreams"
c. NFL Punter, last man on an NBA bench, jazz bassist |
a.
love
b. E.L.O.
c. UPS driver. Hans Bungle's personal lickspittle. Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court. |
a.
eye black
b. anything accordion
c.
1. Chris Berman
2. Tim McCarver
3. Michael Kay |
a.
hemorrhoid ointment with "unique gentle aplicator tip"
b. sweaty snatch - frozen vodka garnished with an anchovy
c.
Jobs:
frontier dentist
soda jerk
hod carrier |
a.
yo mama
b. come home with me bitch. it contains whatever
c.
stunt man
style consultant
movie reviewer |
a. "Juggs"
b. Green Day
c.
1. Imus
2. Tom Leykis
3. Sean Hannity |
a. a
ticket to an Insane Clown Posse concert in London
b. Dry Verbungle
c.
1. roadie for Motorhead
2. shit shoveler in chief
3. tamale roller |
#44 (8/23/04):
a.
Product that needs to be boycotted:
b.
What you drank the first time you got drunk
-or-
Suggested Kerry Campaign Slogan:
c.
Unheralded and noble act you performed at some point in life that should
now be heralded
-or-
Something you'll do differently than your parents did:
a. anything
in a strip mall
b. warm bud cans
c. i can't answer the first one just yet |
a.
Starbuck's
b. Budweiser
c. I've never cheated on an exam. |
|
a. Non-alcoholic beer of any
stripe (have some self respect and drink a soda!)
b. Chock full o' apathy
c. Different than my parents - I won't say "because I said so!"
Oh, who am I kidding? |
a.
G Unit Seakers
b. "Um, Hello? Bush Is a Fucking Idiot. C'mon People, Wake the
Fuck Up"
c. Clock ducats. No more of that communist bullshit. |
a.
Cocal Cola C2 Fuck that shit.
b. "We Can't See The Forests For All Of The Bushes"
c. I walked out of my place of employment one sunny day. I
witnessed a man sitting on the curb next to his car. It was a POS.
It was old and orange. The man had his head in his hands. He was
trying to get some where, but the old orange POS had a flat. He
had the trunk open as if he wanted to change the tire but
discovered he had no spare. I have never seen such a defeated
human being.
I asked, " Whats the problem?"
"I got a flat and I need to get somwhere very important" He
replied.
Any normal dick-head would have said something that added up to
"sucks to be you, dude" and went on his way.
I decided to offer him the only thing he needed, I gave him my
donut spare tire and helped him put it on. Of course I thought
that If I got a flat I'd be fokked, but I thought WTF. If I do a
good turn It may come back to me.
The next day he came into the store I worked in, rolling the tire
ahead of him, he smiled and shook my hand, and gave me a thank-you
card with a $50 bill in it. I never saw him again, but It is one
of those moments where you put aside your selfish assholiness to
help a fellow man, and it really means alot to that person. It
kinda makes life worth living. So........Vote for Kerry. |
| a. dunkin |
a. Computer
upgrades, starbucks, and Rap music
b. Cooking Wine and Cranberry Minute Maid
c. Leave the door closed when it's time to make mashed potatoes. |
a.
Peanut butter
b. BUSH SUCKS OSAMA PENIS |
a.
velveeta-- that shit ain't real cheese
b. fuzzy navels + bud + Schnapps shots.
c. I will not bring up sensitive discussions (e.g., "Do you think
you have PMS?") after trapping my teenager in the car. |
a.
soda- in general. i know we already have the pepsi boycott going,
but soda companies in general are making way too much money and
having way too much influence on our lives. i mean it's fucking
sugar water that fizzes!
b. Do you feel safer than you did 4 years ago?
c. i probably wont quit drinking for the first 18 years of the
kids life. i swear i never saw my father drunk until i was in
college |
a.
make my jimmy hard pills
b. anal can be loving
c. spend more time using the back door so less kids are at risk of
being squeezed outta the front. |
a.
Dunkin' Donuts - Donates strictly to those nasty Republicans
b. A jigger of SoCo ala Janis Joplin
c. I will not work at a thankless, low paying job for more than 10
years. |
a. Fox
News Channel. Hell, all cable news.
b. Strong German pils, in Germany no less.
c. Use birth control. |
#43 (8/23/04):
a. Sexiest politician of all time (provide
link if obscure):
b. Something I should record with my new iPod
audio recording device:
c.
Why one should/shouldn't vote for Nader
-or-
The craziest shit you ever witnessed firsthand (supernatural shit is good,
but so is any out-of-the-ordinary human behavior):
a. mike
doo cock kiss.
b. something never before recorded
c. nader has no coherent women's rights platform
(i can't believe i missed the last stumper. i never miss
stumpers.) |
a.
JFK Jr. ....well he was sorta in politics
b. Your farts
c. http://www.projo.com/seasonal/halloween/images/nader.jpg |
|
a. Jessica Simpson
b. record someone being really condescending at work
c. My brother and I once saw a pterodactyl flying over our car. |
a.
sally 'easy in the alley' tammany of tammany hall fame
b. the sound of your nuts knocking together
c. don't vote for nader because he dissed the green party |
a.
JFK, because someone once told me I look like him
b. The sound of wings flapping away in the distance
c. To paraphrase Nas from his recent performance in Central Park,
it doesn't make sense to vote for either Bush or Kerry because,
"they both devils." My feeling is that living in New York we have
a free vote because Kerry will easily win the state (unless the
Bush devils are successful in their plan to rig the election
again). Therefore we're free to vote for someone who we would
actually want to see as President like David McReynolds or Jim
Bruer. And for all of Nader's faults at least he is aware of and
honest about how corrupt the system is. |
a.
Senator of South Carlolina has a horse cock
b. naked volleyball players spiking and digging and spreading
c. the time i kept it stiff for at least 6 hours, not as good as
Sting, but pretty good for me. |
a.
Spanish President Zapatero
b.
Scissor Sisters
c. I can not take credit for this, but my other half was once
walking to work in time square when ,a very conservatively dress
business woman walking ahead of him, stepped from the sidewalk
into the street hiked up her business-suit-power-skirt and dropped
a giant turd in the gutter. |
a.
Du. Kak. Is.
b. You jerking off to your new iPod. Try not to get jizz in the
gears.
c. On my lunch hour one spring day I saw a homeless woman drop
trou right in the middle of Sixth Avenue in midtown (not in the
crosswalk, mind you) and take a hot, steamy dump. When you said
"craziest shit" you meant that literally, right? |
c.
vote for me cuz i'm ralph nada
with a little bit a gold and a paga |
#42 (8/23/04):
a. One Olympic Event that needs to get the boot, and one you'd add in its
place:
b.
A smell you can't stand
-or-
Who should replace Craig Kilborn:
c.
What Jim McGreevey should do over the next 12 months
-or-
Lyrical couplet that resonates deeply with you:
a. Boot:
Biatholon- what the fuck does combining shooting and cross-country
skiing come from? Add: putting your hand in front of you and then
rotating them in different directions (one going towards you, one
the other way); I'd dominate that shit.
b. Noam Chomsky
c. "I cherish the twilight/I maximize, my soul is the right size"-Posdnous
of De La Soul ("I Am I Be") |
a.
Synchronized Diving.
b. Cat Piss.... No..... Dog Piss....Fuck it....piss in general.
c. I crawl like a viper through these suburban streets.
Make love to these women, languid and bittersweet. |
|
a. I'd swap kayaking with
"The Bridge Over the River Kwai:" Stick a bunch of people in the
hot sun. No food, no water and you can't move a muscle. Last one
standing gets the gold.
b. I can't stand the smell of Craig Kilborn. I think they should
replace his with M*A*S*H reruns. I'm so sick of
c. If I was king I'd wear a ring and never hurt my people.
I'd stay alert and dress to kill. I might even slip you something |
a.
beach volleyball- 'amateur' fishing
b. boiled cabbage
c. start a gay politicians organization with the goal of having a
gay president by 2080 |
a.
Equestrian - Out / Rugby - In
b. I hate the smells of burning rubber, vomit, and other people's
piss
c. McGreevey's Punchlist:
- Take a nice long vacation
- Write the book
- "Turn" Rick Santorum
- Lift some weights
- Don't go on Larry King or Oprah
- Raise taxes before resignation
- Announce intention to run for Mayor of NYC |
a.
the midget weight lifting event- mature women's gymnastics,
meaning giving the fine women in their late twenties a venue to
flex and spread,etc.
b. the piss smell in my girl's panties
c.
do an off off broadway play with greg louganis: try to become a
gay icon of some sort.
-------------------------------------
Crack kills but not this kind
I try to get ahead when I get behind
I wish I was your panties full grown
so when you put em on
I could be home sweet home |
a.
replace women's shot put with the women's gymnastics contortion
event/flexibility test. Do it Van Damme style tying each nubile
teen's leg to a tree and see who can hold it or go the farthest.
b. boss' coffee breath
c. pack some new fudge for little debbies |
a.
mens gymnastics replaced by breaking boards over hard gymnast
body's event: a mixture of martial arts and women's gymnastics
b. panties that smell like band aids
c. write a memoir |
a.
women's anything; NASCAR
b. Jim McGreevey
c. See answer #2, and
find out exactly how gay he is |
a.
mens and womens auto fixation.
b. Matt Lillard
c. Quand je te vois, je suis dur
et le promenade est difficile |
a. the
greatest event ever is women's trampoline, unbelievable
b. Peter North
c. Make a penis pump video |
a.
cock fighting (with dicks longer than 8")
b. smell of #2 in my girlfriends mouth even after brushing her
teeth (my girlfriend's fetish)
c. the carnivores
by:Ditell Makliht
The opening widens, an ash brown to a bloody rare pink,
the lips are wet with anticipation and quiver nervously, a reflex,
awaiting the painful union. It bleeds ever so slightly
but that is enjoyed.
in time that pain becomes habit. |
#41 (8/16/04):
a. Videogame you could kick my ass at
-or-
Name of videogame that should exist but doesn't:
b.
Band you wish you'd seen at their peak but didn't:
c.
Something you learned the hard way (please include details of what "the
hard way" entailed)
-or-
The greatest coming-of-age movie and why:
a. Mat
Mania
b. Zep
c.
- don't shit where you eat
- never squeal on the pusher
- don't lie to your mama
- you'll get burned from playin' by the rules |
a.
Kill the Poor
b. kajagoogoo
c. Harold and Maude: because it is the greatest coming-of-age
movie of all time |
|
a. Paperboy. Why can't I find
a goddamn PC emulator for that game?
b. The Pixies. My wife did. She was dragged to the concert in high
school having never heard of the band and hated it. Now she tells
this story -- minus the hating it part -- and receives awed
responses from anyone in our peer group.
c. Don't slide into home in a kickball game played on pavement if
you're wearing shorts.
Learned the hard way fall, 1984. |
a.
Mat Mania
b. Zep
c. Doggie style ain't just for dogs. |
a.
I could kick your ass at GALAGA
b. KISS
c.
The greatest coming of age movie ever is FULL METAL JACKET......
You look like the kid of person who would f#&% a person in the A%&
and not even give them the common courtesy of a reach
around....... |
a.
That penguin racing game on the Adam that I housed the first time
I played it
b. Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, Sly and the Family Stone, GG Allin
c. That I'm just no good at basketball. Hours and hours and hours
for years and years of shooting and ball-handling practice on my
own and then getting into games, and consistently shooting about
17% from the field and getting ripped just about every time I put
the ball on the floor. |
a. I
could kick your ass at Bubble Bobble or Dig Dug
b. The Clash or maybe Led Zep
c. Coming of age movie:
Not fucking Stand By Me, I can tell you that much.
Goonies maybe? Believable characters, strong acting, poignant
script. Those kids triumphed over evil but they all left something
in those caves that they'll never get back.
Three Men and a Little Lady? |
a.
Turbo.
b. Pixies. In a few weeks I get to see today's paunchy, balding
version and I'm plenty psyched.
c. Harold & Maude. Death can be funny. |
a. Ms.
Pacman
b. The Grateful Dead- so I could understand
c. Running on Empty - River Phoenix's character having to choose
between his family and life/love.
Probably wouldn't have thought of it, but watched it this weekend
and cried like a sissy. |
a.
Robotron (dude, you know it)
b. Mozart
c. the greatest coming-of-age movies, in order, are:
3) jimmy eats nuts, then comes of age.
2) sally takes a sausage in the poopshoot and then learns about
life.
and ....
1) old yeller. |
#40 (7/28/04):
a. Age, date, and location of the loss of your virginity:
b.
Your arch-enemy:
c.
Your most embarrassing fart story OR your philosophy on raising children
(if different):
a. 16,
Jan. 1, my bedroom
b. The bartender at McSwiggan's
c. About 2 years ago, I blasted one out in the elevator on my way
up to my apartment. It was pretty late and no one else was in the
car with me, so I figured I was free to do as I pleased. I mean
who the fuck gets on the elevator going UP from anyplace else
other than the lobby? Well, at least one person, and she got on
the elevator with me that evening.
It didn't smell good in there.
It didn't help that I was kind of giggling (oh, yeah, I was drunk,
or had you guessed already?). We just stood there together,
wallowing in the smell. Maybe that woman is my real arch-enemy. |
a.
I was 16. January 30th, 1987. Ridgefield, CT. Incidentally, it was
her little brother's bed, complete with Star Wars sheets.
b. Sammy Hagar
c. Can I tell someone else's most embarrassing fart story? Back
during my FN days, there was a temp receptionist that I had a huge
crush on. She was British and leggy and kinda looked like Liz
Hurley. Her accent drove me crazy, guvner. Anyway, one day I'm
waiting by myself for the elevator to arrive on the 31st floor.
The bell rings, the doors open and a lone figure sprints out right
past me in a blur, staring at the floor. It was her, obviously in
a rush. I stepped into the empty elevator and immediately realized
she wasn't late for an appointment, she was fleeing her own
self-created gas chamber. I was nearly overcome by the rankest
fish-n-chips fart ever to waft past my nostrils. She never looked
me in the eye again after that. Besides my love for that lovely
lass, also dashed that day was the myth that girls don't toot. |
|
a. 17, August 1986, backseat
of girlfriend's car.
b. I'll get back to you.......
c. I was 13 and learning to play golf. Out on the links with my
father, brother and grandfather. I was preparing to hit a 5 iron
over a lake onto the green, It was about 105 in the shade, as I
lined up the shot, head down, arms straight, it happened, one of
those farts that starts off loudly then tails off and upward in
pitch, the sheer embarrassment ended my golfing career forever. |
a.
Age: 16 Date: ???? Location: A cabin at the CYO (Christian Youth
Organazation) summer camp. It was in the woods behind my
highschool. It was the make-out place you went to when you cut
classes.
b. E.O. B.T.
c. I was with a friend at a swanky new bar ala Sex In The City.
Beautiful people EVERYWHERE. It was emptying out at closing time.
We were VERY drunk and she dared me to light my gas. We were
seated on these plush new sofa's and I made several attempts to
set one a-flame.
After a few tries, I hit pay-dirt and sent out a little beauty of
a flare. We busted ourselves laughing and falling over for a few
minutes.
My friend leaned back on the sofa and looked up... With this,
roaring laughter followed and sent her into tears. I couldn't
understand this second rush of giggles until she pointed up and I
saw - to my horror- there was a CCTV camera literally directly
above me pointing straight down at me!!!! |
a.
16, 7/20/85 10:05pm, The beach of the lake at my country house
b. Then: Premature Ejaculation; Now: My expanding Gut
c. We plan on raising my children without the aid of a Nanny or
Day-Care Center, even at the expense of my Wife's income.
Developing children are extremely influenced by the people that
they spend time with and we want that influence to come from US.
When my cousin was growing up, both my Aunt and my Uncle worked
during the day and left him with his Grandparents (from the other
side of his family) who were East German. He subsequently
developed a German Accent. I guess it left an impression on me. |
a.
March 12, 2006 (pray for me)
b. Fucko the Wonderdog and his sidekick Dongblong
c. this one time i farted and i was on a hot air balloon and the
balloon got too much gas in it and then it expanded and we floated
to nepal. |
a. 18
(yeah, old), April 1989, a twin bed in Hartford, CT
b. John Ashcroft
c. When the hottest girl in my junior high sneezed, suffered a
temporary loss of sphincter control, and let a loud one slip out.
From that point on, she became known as "Achoo, Thurppp!" She is a
grown woman with three kids and I still think of her as, "Achoo,
Thurppp!" |
a.
18, ca. May of 1988, a loft bed in a dorm room in Madison,
Wisconsin. The loft was loosely constructed so I had to hold onto
the wall to prevent the loud banging noises that would have
occurred with each thrust (and there were at least four thrusts).
b. Bob Costas
c. Right around that time, May of 1988, loft-girl and I went
through one what would turn out to be many breakups. She
went home for the weekend to hang out with her friends, and I
stayed in town (Madison) and went to a party with some of mine.
Newly single, I was determined to charm some ladies. And
charm them I did, specifically a hot blonde who lived on the 9th
floor of our dorm (we were on the 10th floor, but I didn't really
know her outside of admiring her in the elevator). I was
unleashing a stream of bullshit that she found irresistible.
She reportedly told one of my pals, "Your friend's a pretty smooth
talker." The next thing I knew I was walking her home and we
were holding hands. What a magic feeling. We stopped a
couple of times to kiss on the street. I would call it
making out but it was more gentle and innocent than that.
Finally, we got to her dorm room, but we couldn't go in because
her roommate was asleep. So we sat right outside the room,
in the hallway, sort of holding hands and kissing a little bit. I
was so happy. She was way out of my league, but she couldn't
get enough of me on this fine night. Then, suddenly, we
realized we had differences in how we would choose to raise our
children. Just kidding. Real story follows: suddenly,
I ripped a trombone fart that reverberated off the hallway floor.
Someone had walked past us about thirty seconds earlier, and they
were now all the way down the hall. That didn't stop me from
trying to pass the fart off on this innocent stranger. "Hey,
that's disgusting," I desperately called out down the hallway.
But my new girlfriend, let's call her Joan, looked me dead in the
eye, and said, "Oh no, that was YOU! I heard that!" She was
understandably grossed out. The night wrapped up pretty much right
at that instant. I never spoke to Joan again.
Epilogue #1: The next day, there was a story
going around that someone had written all sorts of lovey-dovey
notes on the message board that hung on Joan's dorm room door. We
can only suppose it was me.
Epilogue #2: That Sunday night, my
ex-girlfriend, the one that I had recently and temporarily broken
up with (let's call her MJ), was hanging out with me and a few
friends of mine in a friend's room. Another friend walked
in, and, not seeing MJ in the room, blurted out, "So, are you
going to tell MJ about Joan?" I was now, fucker.
My humiliation was complete. |
#39 (7/28/04):
a. Best hangover cure:
b. Where you live and the best or worst thing
about it:
c. Most outlandish/stupid thing you said to
someone a) on a date or b) in an authority position or c) who was a
stranger-- and why you said such nonsense:
a. sneak
out the back at 12:57 a.m. after fourth/fifth round and hit the
bed mat
b. d.c. - race relations lag badly behind rest of northeast,
including boston
c. When I was a wee lad of 9 I told my Dad he was a "piece of
shit" because he made me clear the table. That was very
inappropriate. But, in a very wise way, he calmly asked me why I
said what I said and helped me get past my bit of early
brinkmanship without killing me. Props to Dad.
Nixon had died - I guess it mighta been the spring of '95 - and I
was eating at dinner at female friend's house. I was sorta dating
her but not 100 percent. We were classmates as well. Her Dad was
waxing a little misty eyed about ol' Tricky Dick and I said Nixon
could "Burn in hell." It offended her and her family on at least
six and possibly as many as ten different levels. And the silence
that followed was pretty deafening. I said it because the young
lady/date/schoolmate was an obnoxious know-it-all who ended my
sentences for me. I guess my internal calculus was telling me that
it was not a viable relationship anyway so I might as well not sit
there and listen to weepy eyed paeans to Nixon. However, it was
kind of uncalled in its random ferocity. I'd probably hold that
one in if I had to do it again.
Three years later, in a mass email to several of the top editors
at the ______ _______, I once in anger accused the world's largest
news gathering organization of unprofessional behavior. Oy. I said
it because they had forced me to quit my staff job in New York,
ironically, to take an unpaid position as a journalism fellow at
their Berlin bureau, a post I fiercely coveted. I was right, they
were wrong, and I was pretty much blacklisted in perpetuity. It
was not the smart way to roll. However, I did stick to my guns. |
a.
1000mg Ibuprofen BEFORE you go to bed/ pass out, but AFTER you are
done heaving.
b. West Baltimore. The best thing about it is: Lots of old tall
trees
c. Hey lady, ya wanna f***?
OOPS! Your not who I thot you were.....
um........ |
|
a. Marijuana, of course. The
medicinal qualities of this divine plant cannot be denied.
b. California. Sarcasm as humor doesn't go over well here. I don't
know if that's good or bad but it's disarming for a sarcastic east
coast bastard like me.
c.
a) I was on a terrible date once and yawned throughout. I was damn
tired and she was bo ring. Finally the girl had enough and said
something like, "You know, it doesn't make me feel very special
that you're constantly yawning." I just shrugged and yawned again.
I hate dating.
b) I lectured a Giuliani-era undercover cop who gave me a ticket
for smoking a cigarette on the subway platform, saying stupid shit
like, "Good thing you've cleared up all the real crime in this
city and can now focus on the Marlboro addicts." (Little did I
know what the future would bring for NYC smokers.) Then every time
after that when I would spot that cop hanging around the platform
posing as your average straphanger I would wave and smile and say
in a loud voice: "Hello, officer!" He didn't like me one bit.
c) Sometimes when I'm drunk in a bar and spot doofus hipsters
wearing ski hats when it's 90 degrees outside I ask them how the
conditions are out there and whether they would like a hot
chocolate. |
a. Excedrin and
warm coca cola NOT Pepsi.
b. NJ - Best is the shore - worst - it's still NJ
c.
"Do you have any idea how utterly boring you are?"
Setting: Date at Oceana Restaurant, NYC.
Reason: Possibly one of the worst dates in history. He did nothing
but talk about himself for 3 hours. His childhood, his college
days, his exciting Media Buying/Advertising career etc. for 3
hours! Even the waiters knew I was bored and NOT interested!! Now
Oceana is known for never rushing anyone and they wait until you
ask for the check...this guy kept ordering desserts and coffee
after coffee in spite of me saying "I have to catch a train" etc.
Did not take any hint. Finally he went to the men's room (from all
the damn coffee) and I called over the waiter and told him to
bring the check. Then when my "date" comes back and sees the check
he says " How dare they try to rush our beautiful evening
together" - That is when I said "Do you have any idea how utterly
boring you are?" |
a.
1 qt.water and advil...then sleep for 1 more hour
b. jersey shore. 2 minutes away from looking at the ocean.
c. at mardi gras i was talking to this other drunk dude and we
were discussing the atmosphere. i told him that all the commotion
makes me think of what hiroshima must have been like just before
the bomb dropped. |
#38 (7/18/04):
a. Drink of choice in high school/college. (If beer, brand please.)
b. Drink of choice, now. (If beer, brand please.)
c. Moment in your life you would relive, (good or bad) real outcome and
desired outcome, if different.
a. sierra
nevada
b. coors light
c. accepting my first job out of college. i had been working at
chebby bents part time during spring semester for a whopping $75/
week.
after graduation they offered to put me on full time, for a
whopping $17,500 annual salary.
i should have held out for just a bit more...or demanded that i at
least be paid overtime (which i qualified for) since i could
easily put in 60-70 hour weeks for those con-men.
unemployment used to scare the HELL out of me. |
a.
Genesee Cream Ale ($2 Pints at Nectar's)
b. Stella Artois or Guinness if in Bar; MGD bottles if outside
c. Real: Me reading the Daily News on Saturday and seeing I didn't
win $290 million.
Desired: Me reading the Daily News on Saturday and seeing I did
win $290 million. |
|
a. Milwaukee's Best and Jack
Daniel.
b. Wild Turkey or any halfway decent vodka. And I can't explain it
but I actually like Bud Light.
c. I would relive the moment I didn't go see Van Halen on the 1984
tour. Then I would go see Van Halen on the 1984 tour. |
a. 40 of Old
English; anything in liquor cabinet (high school)
b. Guiness
c. Old college relationsip. Desired outcome: dump the fucker quick
fast & do the roommate and/or selected friends instead. Real
outcome: dumped the fucker after a while, didn't do the roommate
or desired friends... what a waste. |
a.
Mickeys Big Mouth
b. Corona
c. I was 11, playing little league. I batted .147. On a sunny day,
I closed my eyes and swung at a pitch...... And CRUSHED it for a 3
run homer down the third base line. It rolled and rolled. I burst
into tears as I crossed the plate, surrounded by my team.
Glorious. |
a. 2 liter of Purple passion (active ingredient
Everclear grain alcohol)
b. Hoegaarden
c. My left elbow joint hasn't worked quite right ever since it was
horribly dislocated it while drunken wrestling with one of my best
friends years ago in the backyard during a party, quite possibly
after downing a 2 liter of the Passion. I would have avoided the
wrestling part of that evening.
I also have a thick scar on my chin that I received while arguing
over a billiards shot in the basement of Manitoba's on Avenue B.
It was with a kinda-friend and we were horsing around more than
anything, wasted, but it ended in the emergency room of Beth
Israel. I would like to relive that episode and avoid the entire
situation and erase the ugly scar. I think my blood is still on
the felt there, but I don't care about that. And I wish I didn't
drop my full beer all over my leg last night at the Prince
concert. What a waste and now I have to wash my jeans prematurely,
too. |
a.
Any combination of hard liquor that we could steel from my
parents. We’d put it in a Polio Ricotta cheese container and hide
in the woods and hold our noses while drinking. YUM!!!
b. pint of 1667
c. Would not have taken that second laxative... outcome both
desired and real are obvious |
a.
Easy Drinkin' Busch Light
b. Bourbon
c. Game-winning, walkoff dinger in baseball camp circa 1984. Would
change nothing. |
a.
blackberry brandy
b. syrah
c. on my high school graduation night, a bunch of my friends got
stoned before the ceremony. Since I thought HS graduation was such
an important event, i chose not to partake.
they had so much more fun than i did... especially when the
valedictorian was shaking his fist in the air during the climax of
his speech. they all started bursting in laughter and i just shook
my head, knowing how much funnier it would have been if i was
high... |
a.
Egg creams
b. Corona (I think it's a subconscious need to force people to go
through the trouble of getting a lime
c. June something, 1987. Final high school baseball game ever.
Playing Hunter High School on a grey, rainy Saturday all the way
out at Lincoln High School. Winner goes to the playoffs. Loser
gets to think about it for the rest of time. Two outs in the
bottom of the last inning. Down by two. Like those Mets fuckers of
the year before, we were mounting a comeback and starting to hit
their pitcher hard. With two outs, Yoshi Nobumoto hit a double
then scored on a hit by one of the all-time bastards named Daniel
Grant. (Looking back, I can admit there were a number of reasons
that I hated this guy that had a lot more to do with me than him.
He seemed to have a way with the ladies and was on his way to a
good college and surely a higher salary than I would ever earn. He
was nicknamed "Ho Ho" because despite being black, he was thought
of as a "white guy stuck in black guy's body." While he and his
friends thought this was cute, in my self-righteousness I was
angered by what seemed like Uncle Tom-like behavior. (p.s. I'm
white.) Also, he was a much better player than me despite having
no fucking clue as to how to play baseball--not having watched a
single game, not having a basic undertanding of the important
subtleties of hitting a cutoff man or working a count, not having
read the Art of Hitting .300--which pissed me off to no end.) With
Ho Ho on first, Mike Moss headed to the plate. If the rally
continued, next up would be Pakai Ngai and then me. (Pakai was
around 5'2" and walked at least every other time up.) Mike singled
sharply to left and the ball bounced right in front of the left
fielder as we all screamed. Pakai headed toward the batter's box
and my heart pounded, knowing that there was a good possibility I
would be up with the tying run on third and two outs. I was
imagining that the Greatest Moment of My Life was a few minutes
away. My dismal, depressive sex-less high school years would be
over as being the hero here would surely change my life, boost my
self-esteem, get me into the college of my choice, and get me the
chance to at least touch a breast. But before I could even slide
the donut on to the bat, Ho Ho reached second and we all realized
that he wasn't slowing down. Our collective scream turned into a
sickening groan as Ho Ho rounded second at full-speed. With the
ball already in the left fielder's glove, he headed to third. Now,
if I had learned anything on the godforsaken 18 years that I had
been on the planet, it was that you never made the first or last
out of an inning at third base (Thanks, Frank Messer). I guess Ho
Ho had been too busy getting laid and enjoying life to have heard
this particulat tidbit. He was out by at least fifteen feet.
I ended up at SUNY Stony Brook and wouldn't touch a breast for
another four years. |
#37 (7/8/04): A brief word on this
week's challenge: I was considering ending the challenge on account of my
own lame questions and the dwindling number of responses. But you
have created your own questions and come up with lots of thoughtful
answers. This week's questions were worded just vaguely enough that you
could go a number of ways with 'em, and so you did. You guys are the best
(even if it's just one of you sending in multiple responses). You're
also really gross.
a. Something that has come out of or off of your own
body that has truly disturbed you.
b. Someone you’ve had sex with but have NEVER told ANYONE (because of your
own mortification)
-or-
Someone you really want to have sex with and have NEVER told ANYONE
(because of your own mortification):
c. Top 3 good/bad movies of all time in order. Example
"Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead…, Xanadu, The Prophecy" Please
provide supporting materials or reasons for your choices.
a. I
squeezed a huge zit on the back of my neck. The ample contents
that oozed out reeked of garlic.
b. A married man who was a on the board of directors at the
country club I was working at the time. The act took place in his
living room while the wife was out collecting the kids from school
– unaware of his homosexual actions – let alone feelings.
c. Since the three examples were my choices for the worst/best
here are my runner-ups…
3) Miss congeniality: stupid mindless twaddle, perfect for
escapism. I’ll watch it every time it’s on.
2) Grease II: At the time I couldn’t understand my very strange
feelings towards Maxwell Caufield in his very tight leather pants.
1)
Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster: What more could you ask for… a
giant flying turd that spits acid and tokes off of smoke stacks.
And the classic trance hit, "SAVE THE EARTH". Actually any
Godzilla movie. |
| c. The
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is the greatest movie ever and
everything else is just chopped liver. |
|
a. Having fluid drained from
my knee was really gross
b. Darryl Hannah (but only as a mermaid)
c.
Top 5 Good (not in order, and changes on any given day, and I
want to do 5 instead of 3, so screw you):
- Dazed and Confused - obviously.
- Sling Blade - Beautiful movie-making. Very fine performances.
Good script. One of the very, very few watchable mentally-challanged
protaganist genre movies. Also, one of the very, very few movies
that is watchable despite a little kid in one of the lead roles.
Actually, considering all the stuff this movie had going against
it (little kid, retard, no nudity), makes it all the better.
- The Shawshank Redemption - lovely movie. Morgan Freeman is
perfect and Tim Robbins is great. Excellent supporting cast.
- Old School - Fantastic. Will Farrell is hilarious, but Vince
Vaugn is my favorite. He can be real annoying, but Vaugn can also
be very funny.
- possible #5 - Lost in Translation - Need to watch it again. Wish
I had seen it on the big screen. Beautifully shot. A restrained
and fragile Bill Murray. And a script that made the right decision
at the end.
The Bad 3 (again, in no order and subject to revision):
- Troy - Awful. Like a PG-13 version of Braveheart set in Greece
(or Turkey, wherever the fuck Troy is), without all the cool blood
and gore. Also, nothing fucking happens in this 4 1/2 hour movie.
- Hackers - Fisher Stevens and Lorraine Bracco team up to make one
of the most ridiculous villain combos of all time. Hopelessly
dated.
- Pretty in Pink - This movie is awful and depressing. Molly
Ringwald's homemade dress sucks. And Ducky? Jon Cryer is a
douchebag.
- Honorable mention: My Weekend at Bernie's. |
a. the brown stuff
i put in little jars in my closet
b. ashton kutchner
c. 3 way tie-waterworld,the postman,the most recent kevin costner
baseball movie |
a.
blood out of my pee pee
b. my co - worker Karen S.(hope she's reading)
c.
-mannequinn II
-weekend at bernies II
-mannequinn |
a. A freckle - it literally fell off in my hand
b. I had sex with...If I told you I would have to kill you or me!
I will take this to my grave!
c.
Good = Godfather - It speaks for itself
Good = The Sixth Sense - Continued to make you think after the
movie was over.
BAD = Any movie with Jackie Chan - Really - is there a reason for
any of them? |
a. My
Kids
b. Your Wife
c.
Worst all time Movies.......
#3 Star Wars Episope 2 "attack of the bad dialogue"
#2 The Entire ROBOCOP Series...."You have 10 seconds to run out of
the theatre"
#3 Rocky V......now we have a "Rocky movie for each day of the
week. |
a. an
area on my upper thigh that i am able to squeeze out an unusual
amount of "cheese" or oil?-scared to find out what it is, but it's
kind of greasy and smells rotten.
b. jenny s.-she's my fantasy every night even when i'm dogging
some other broad
c.
-the recent sean penn mongoloid movie
-the other sister ( another mongoloid movie)
-nell (sort of a mongoloidish movie) |
a.
the first time spooge leaked out of herman.
b. my three 23 year old neighbors- 3 on 1 handicap
match...spurt...spurt...sploogurt.
c.
-silent night deadly night
-santa with muscles
-the hills have eyes II |
a.
every time i take a dump it disturbs me, the smell kills
b. i'd like a ride on vincent gallo's stallion
c.
3 Best:
Bully
Buffalo 66
Bad News Bears |
a.
red pee
b. my friend's mom in highschool
c.
rambone
bootyholics vol. 7
schindler's list |
a. a
worm/parasite burrowed into my arm, no shit
b. marc and stanley
c.
best:
pretty woman
when a man loves a woman
maid in manhattan |
a.
ringworms
b. Trish at Scores
c.
Darryl
the Wiz
Action Jackson |
a.
hairy mole follicle uproot
b. jennifer garner
c.
Caligula(penthouse version)
I spit on your grave
Last tango in paris |
a.
fungus by the verbungle region
b. the redhead on that 70's show
c.
-tonya harding sex tape
-happy hooker goes to washington
-DC cab |
#36 (6/30/04)
a. What pet would you like to have (legal or not)?
b. The name of the first porno movie you ever saw, or what you can
remember about its plot:
c. The first name of the worst criminal you've ever
known personally -- and their crime
or
The most illegal thing you've ever done and how you evaded capture or
detection (if you did):
a. chimpanzee
b. Holly Does Hollywood
c. Penisface. |
a.
Cheetah
b. Working Girls, in high school we rented it thinking it was the
Melanie Griffith movie, Working Girl. We didn't realize it wasn't
the PG movie, even after the scene opens with a caucasian woman
and an african-american woman in bed together.
c. Don't know the first name, but he went by "Bake". Bake was a
bar owner and married man with two sons. One night he shot and
killed a man who came into his bar, claiming the man was
threatening him. But the small-town rumor was that he was dating
this man on the DL. Bake served jail time.
He was alway nice to me, even though he murdered someone. |
|
a. 50-foot green bear
b. people were fucking (!!)
c.
I talked shit.
But I played it off legit. |
a.
Mick Jagger
b. Little Mouse On the Fairy. Disney's first foray into porn.
Features Mickey Mouse and Tinker Bell.
c. Bill. Bilked MILLIONS of dollars out of hapless consumers.
Spent it on Heroin. Currently 6 feet under. |
a.
a unicorn
b. Joy Toys. Hot sales chicks went around selling sex toys. Peter
North as the pool boy would come a-knockin' using "windy day" as
the ice-breaker
c. Assassination on John F. Kennedy. My buddy Lee, the building
janitor, happened by and well, the rest is history as they say. |
a. an ostrich would be fun
b. there were a lot of women slurping on each other
c. i opened a bank account with my middle name and then with the
checking account i already had i wrote a $6000 check to myself and
deposited it into the new account. when it for whatever reason it
cleared in three days i withdrew every cent and closed both
accounts. i bought a 1990 geo and took a trip to new york with the
money. |
a. a slutty pet man
b. plot?
c. stole car. returned it. |
#35 (6/21/04)
a. What would your name be if you were of the opposite sex?
b. How much money would you need - in cash - to walk off the job tomorrow?
c. Weigh the pros and cons of an exclusive dating relationship vs. the
ability to sleep around:
a. Emily
Brush
b. minimum $100,000, but to never again go back to the corporate
teat: $700,000
c. The exclusive dating relationship only becomes a plus when you
have found someone with whom you are sure you wish to be
exclusive. Anything less is just serial monogamy - and there is
something fundamentally dishonest about boy/girlfriend hopping
just for the sake of a steady lay. |
a.
Stephanie (I have yet to meet (or MEAT) a Stephanie that I have
been able to get along with.....Ironic?)
b. one............MILLION dollars.
c.
|
Exclusive:
|
Sleep Around: |
| Guaranteed Play. |
Gotta go get it. |
| Easy |
Challenging |
| No cologne
Necessary |
Cologne Necessary |
| Minimal charm
req. |
Charm Required |
| Makes you
Breakfast |
Make her breakfast. |
| Sex During
ballgame |
No
ballgames |
| Can use "Pet
name" |
yell out wrong name |
|
|
a. Christine
b. 75000
c.
exclusive-
pro: you know what you're getting and you know how to make it
good.
con: if your partner isn't up for it, you have to sneak off and do
it yourself
sleep around-
pro: you can have lots of stories to tell your friends
con: slumps |
a.
Silk-E
b.$38,000
c.
plus for being a ho- different kinds of pie every night
not the same ol' slice with a little whipped cream on top of the
chin- if you know what i mean
plus for monogamy- luxury of no jimmy hat/shooting your load deep
into her moist duncan hines- if you know what i mean. |
a.
Cherry
b. It took me 25k to do just that.
c. Ask Scott Peterson. |
a. Desiree Buttcake
b. 20 grand
c. I hear monogamy is rewarding on some level but I'll just have
to take your word on that. Alls I know is there's no more sublime
experience than sliding your hand inside a girl's panties for the
first time. |
a. vagina face
b. $1 million
c. I like to drink beer. |
#34 (6/14/04)
a. An industry you'd be ashamed to be a part of (sex
industry not included):
b. Something you learned from watching TV:
c. Come up with your own three-question reader challenge (the last
question should hopefully elicit a slightly longer response than the first
two):
a. Hollywood
gossip columnist or restaurant reviewer or film reviewer or any
bottom feeding industry like that!
b. Learned on BBC’s ‘What the Tudor’s did for us"
c.
1) Something that has come out of or off of your own body that has
truly disturbed you.
2) Someone you’ve had sex with but have NEVER told ANYONE (because
of your own mortification) Or Someone you really want to have sex
with and have NEVER told ANYONE (because of your own
mortification)
3) Top 3 good/bad movies of all time in order. Example "Don’t Tell
Mom the Babysitter’s Dead…, Xanadu, The Prophecy" Please provide
supporting materials or reasons for your choices. |
a.
the oil industry...actually, since i put gasoline in my car, i am
part of it...and i'm ashamed.
b. people will do anything to get on tv
c.
1) what pet would you like to have (legal or not)
2) the name of the first porno movie you ever saw, or what you can
remember about its plot
3) the first name of the worst criminal you've ever known personally-
and their crime
or
the most illegal thing you've ever done and how you evaded capture
or detection
|
|
a. The Ballbag Punching
Industry
b. Being Vacuous Is a Modern Asset
c.
1) What would your name be if you were of the opposite sex?
2) How much money would you need - in cash - to walk off the job
tomorrow?
3) Weigh the pros and cons of an exclusive dating relationship vs.
the ability to sleep around. |
a.
Personal assistant to anyone
b. Channel J is good
c.
1) Age, date, and location of the loss of your virginity:
2) Your arch-enemy:
3) Your most embarrassing fart story OR your philosophy on raising
children: |
a.
Insurance
b. Barbara Kafka farts a lot
c.
1) A fashion trend that needs to come back, SOON:
2) Boxers or briefs? OR panties or thong?:
3) best Superfriend superhero and why AND worst superfriend
superhero and why: |
a.
post office
b. coffee can be used to clean out your bung hole. (coffee enema)
c.
1) are you gay if you've had gay sex in a dream?
2) are you gay just because you wonder what it's like to kiss a
man?
3) is wearing a t shirt with a picture of a finger about to finger
an anus homo erotic? |
a. Meat Packing
b. "Shade your eyes" when peeling onions...courtesy of a sunglass
wearing Curtis Aiken.
c.
1) Drink of choice in college. (If beer, brand please.)
2) Drink of choice, now. (If beer, brand please.)
3) Moment in your life you would relive, (good or bad) real
outcome and desired outcome, if different. |
a. senate/congress
b. Mt. St. Helens busted from the side.
c.
1) Best hangover cure:
2) Where you live and the best and worst thing about it:
3) Most outlandish/stupid thing you said to someone (a) on a date
(b) in an authority position (c) who was a stranger-- and why you
said such nonsense. |
a. The Nunpuncolar Resprification Industry
b. how to skratch my nutz
c.
1) First nutpussycock you ever cuntlap fart penised.
2) Name either your first big ball bag shit pile or your first
asspoke fartface turdburgle.
3) Take a minute and relive your most embarrassing assshitpussy
nutcock. |
#33 (6/7/04)
a. Something that used to seem important to you but no
longer does:
b. Item you'd like to see sold in the verbungle boutique:
c. Break someone's trust and reveal a secret you swore you'd keep forever
(as long as you don't name names it's OK, right?)
-or-
An animal and what the name for a group of these animals traveling
together should be (e.g. puma; a clyde of pumas):
a. the
onion
b. Verbungle Season 1 DVD, with special never before seen footage
and interviews with the director and cast
c. cows; a swarm of cows |
c.
Toad; A choad of toads.
|
|
a. What Most People Think
b. Verbungled-Out Magic 8-Ball
c.Your Mom loves my cock. Don't tell her I said so though. |
a.
the fact that rafael palmeiro batted three times last night with
the bases loaded and only managed 1RBI
b. BungleBallz (tm) Christmas Ornaments
c. A Plonk of spotted Dalpnops wheeled overhead; it was a sure
sign to Captain Bungle that a Swelid of Nompo swam nearby. Along
with his Yopnick of Frelmicks, who were skilled in the ways of the
Dalpnop (one had extracted a live Nompo from the belly of a
freshly shot Dalpop) the captain was sure, this time, he was to
capture the elusive larval Nompo and keep it alive in his newly
constructed tank.
|
a.
Advancing my career
b. The Michaleangelo's David Boxer Shorts
c. Mounds of Monkeys |
a.
Christmas
b. Mesh baseball cap sans anus (sorry, the hats they sell
are pretty lame)
c. squirrel, a whole shitload of squirrels |
a. Shaved Beavers
b. Extra Mega Large 'Bungle Logo Condoms
c. A "LOT" of Beaver |
a. Major League Baseball
b. A shirt without an asshole on it (point
taken)
c. Verbunglite Softball Player; Bunch of idiots |
#32 (5/27/04)
a. Kerry's wisest choice for a running mate
-or-
Underrated U.S. city:
b. A good book I should read now that I'm done with Ball Four:
c. Tell your most embarrassing puke story
-or-
Give a shout-out to somebody:
| |