|
#49 (11/17/04):
a.
Your dream ticket for the '08 election -- can be for either party, or you
can mix and match, or you can just pick a couple of pro wrestlers or
something:
b.
A disturbing physical change you've noticed in yourself with age:
c.
Three things you'd like to see happen in the next four years (don't have
to be political, can be personal or professional or related to pop
culture, etc.):
a. McCain/Ventura
b. Sunburn on scalp
c.
-more hybrid vehicles
-move up tax bracket or two
-major political assassination |
a.
Jagger-Richards '08
b. Hair. It's not all there.
c. I'd like to eat three times more pussy. |
|
a. Tom Hanks/ Bruce
Springsteen
b. im noticing visible veins in my legs where they shouldn't be.
they're not really obvious, but i know they're there.
c. i'd like to see...
...good ipods for under $100.
...a hybrid truck- with all the power of a gas powered truck.
preferably made by Dodge
...jon stewart and bill maher regcognized as legitimate politcal
pundits.
...american idol off the air, and all the winners back to having
real jobs.
...the soprano hysteria cease |
a.
Madame Monkeyweb/ Frau Verbungle
b. I am much more attracted to older women, like the 57-year old
mom-
to-be.
c.
1. Arrest
2. Conviction
3. Appeal
4. Reversal |
a.
Bungle/ Monkey
b. E.I.P.L. (Ever Increasing Penis Length)
c.
1) I'd like to see the New York Yankees finish in 4th place in the
A.L.
East. Despite history's first quarter billion dollar payroll.
2) I'd Like to see Ray Lewis take Terrell Owens' head off in a red
zone
collision.
3) Id Like to actually Solve a Stumpah.
Perhaps if Hans posts something from "Frontiers" I will have a
fighting
chance. |
a.
A Giuliani/Sharpton ticket would be pretty funny
b. abundant nose hair
c.
- An airline that flies all one class comfortably (like business
class
throughout) and for only a slightly higher price than discount
coach.
- A heavy commuter tax on non-NYC drivers coming into Manhattan.
It
would have to be so high that it discourages drivers from using
their
cars to commute.
- Napster's rebirth. |
a.
mr. bung and mr. monkey
b. six times a day is a thing of the past
c.
A new Kate Bush CD.
A Career.
A pox on the white house. |
a.
edwards / ken salazar for the dems
b. life raft around waste
c.
nuke waste in yucca mountain
palestinian state
death of rehnquist |
#48 (11/5/04):
a.
Something that people collect (e.g. stamps, comic books) that they
shouldn't, and something that people don't collect but should:
b.
Someone you wish hadn't died before their time:
c.
Three people or things you once liked and are now embarrassed you did:
a. Shouldn't
-- Scabs or boogers. Should -- Pre-condom gay porn
b. Herve Villechaize
c.
1. Miami Sound Machine
2. Curly Fries
3. Roller Disco |
a.
Love Letters...from old relationships..../ People don't collect
their thoughts before opening their fat mouths...
b. Bob Hope
c.
1. Motley Crue
2. The Greaseman
3. Don Johnson's Wardrobe (circa miami vice) |
|
a. souvenir spoons/souvenir
scabs
b. Rod Stewart - spiritually, I mean
c.
-Rod Stewart (see above)
-Nick Cage (is there a bigger tool out there?)
-Billy Joel (Remember those days hangin' out at the village green?
Ugh!!!) |
a.
venereal diseases; pink slips
b. that chick the cops killed in Boston
c.
1. the Yankees
2. the Mets
3. the Knicks |
a.
do but shouldn't - concert stubs, don't but should - old cell
phones
b. JFK
c.
Dungens and Dragons
Poison
Cat Stephens |
a.
Fuck coupons; collect knowledge.
b. My dog: Missy. She was fantastic.
c.
My first graduate school advisor: his soul is dead.
I feel all right with the rest of me and my shit. |
a.
U2 Albums - Ween Albums
b. Obi Wan Kenobi
c.
Archie Comics
Heathers
Friends |
a.
souvenir spoons- hotel room keys
b. the sublime guy
c.
Bush I
the Rat Race
PT Cruisers |
a.
Little porcelain pieces of shit/Staplers
b. Kurt Cobain
c.
- A Flock of Seagulls
- Luke Skywalker
- Southern Comfort |
a.
I know a woman with an enormous collection of antique rug beaters.
I think she should collect her toenail clippings instead.
b. Frank Zappa
c.
1. Wilco
2. Joe Lieberman
3. Jerking off with mayonnaise |
#47 (10/27/04):
a. An animal that we treat as food that we should treat as a pet, and
an animal that doesn't deserve its pet status and should be eaten (e.g.
Lamb/Guinea Pig):
b. A restaurant you'll never eat at again, its
location, and the dish that made you come to this decision:
c.
Three things you feel extremely confident doing:
a. mollusks
- dogs
b. any place with dirty clams in the linguini
c.
-skiing
-peeing
-shitsacking |
a.
Rabbit/goldfish
b. Saracen, Wainscott, crappy pasta
c.
-Writing condescending and vaguely threatening letters.
-Hailing a cab.
-Driving. |
|
a. Pussy/ Pussy
b. Poo's House of Szezuan Poo. Dish to avoid: The PooPoo Plater.
c.
-Wanking.
-Telling Jokes.
-Wanking. |
a.
deer/parrot
b. my kitchen; here; my nasty proscuitto pasta dish
c.
-cursing
-walking
-sleeping |
a.
cow/ferret
b. Dallas BBQ, NYC, some sloppy brisket mess. Ugh.
c.
1. rocking
2. fucking
3. jacking |
a.
Chickens/Budgerigars
b. Babbo/ The Village/ Calf's Head
c.
- Batting lefthanded
- Discussing baseball
- Criticizing Hans Verbungle |
a.
tuna/ goldfish
b. Casey Jones, Long Branch, NJ, their 'famous' ribs
c.
-driving
-carpentry
-supporting kerry/ opposing bush |
a.
we should eat humans
b. Shitbox McColonblow
c.
-reading the bungle
-bring the news to the people
-stepping right up to that goddamn bar and ordering a goddamn pint |
a.
Chicken/Egg
b.The Coffee Trader, Milwaukee, and it was not the dish I was
served but the service my group received in 1990 that spawned this
still-standing grudge
c.
1. parallel parking
2. cooking pasta of all types
3. answering this question |
a.
hamsters
b. blue water grill - pubic hair in my mouth
c.
-cunalingus(sp?)
-taking a dump in public bathrooms
-going into the dirty movie section with swinging doors |
c.
-bloggin
-shnoggin
-crackin noggins |
#46 (10/4/04):
a.
You have been sentenced to die by lethal injection tomorrow at 9am.
Your last meal request:
b.
Favorite movie about a real person (otherwise known as a "biopic"):
c. Create three phrases you would like to see replace "gas face" in the
vernacular (when something sucks, it gets the "gas face")
a. bananas
and blow
b. fear and loathing in las vegas
c.
put that starsky back in the hutch
that gets the ballsack backslap |
a.
eat me!
b. Catch Me If You Can
c.
fuck off
toss the mattress in your face
fuck off |
|
a. Cheeseburger, french
fries, and an ice cold Coca-Cola
b. Raging Bull
c. I would like for nothing to replace "gas face." But if
something must, let it bet one of the following:
- "ass face"
- Something that sucks can get an "Al Goldstein"
- "George Bush League" |
a.
Bacon double cheeseburger with fries. No onions.
b. 'American Splendor'
c.
The butthole.
The wingwang.
The fas gace. |
a.
buffalo wings and bleu cheese (i will try to fill my veins with
cholestorol so as to fight the injection)
b. forrest gump
c.
"is ass"
"is bunk"
forget it, the gas face is as good as it's gonna get for now |
a. KFC
b. Benji
c.
"Peace to the Gods and Earfs"
"Read these Nikes"
"Step to A.M." |
| a. a
rope and crowbar, over easy |
a.
Bearded Clam Bake.
b. "Kid Stays In The Picture" Biopic Of Film Producer Robert "Bob"
Evans.
c.
The Shoe. As In: "...that gets the shoe" (This is a keeper.
-Ed.)
Ass. As in: "...this is so ass."
I only got 2 |
a.
Cheerio's
b. Chaplin
c.
fas gace
blows ass
bites |
#45 (9/20/04):
a.
Something you purchased that you are not proud of:
b.
Guilty Musical Pleasure
-or-
Cool made-up name for a made-up cocktail and what would be in it:
c.
Three jobs you would prefer to your own
-or-
Three broadcasters you'd like to see shit-canned:
a. Latex male
masturbation device.........
b. Deep Anal....Bailey;s and Kaluah with a giant carot sticking
out.
c.
1) Rubber Duckie Squeak Tester.
2) Vivid Video Fluff Technician.
3) Chairman of the Marijuana quality control board. |
a.
pocket puzzy
b. jus de puzzy
c.
being the guy who test's pocket puzzys
being the guy who test the life size animatronic women
being the guy who gets to put the plaster on the models for the
life size dolls. |
|
a. A mitt that was too small
from Mean Old Steve
b. Nena "99 Luft Ballons"
c.
Answer 1:
CIA Clandestine Officer
FBI Agent
President
Answer 2:
Michael Kay
John Madden (yup)
Bob Costas |
a.
a hand job at a massage joint in chinatown
b. Forget me Fuck- 150 proof grain alcohol, bubble gum kool aid
c.
(I'm assuming shit-canned is the same as getting porked in the
poop chute -- Actually, it means getting fired from your job,
which might affect your answers - Ed.)
1. katie couric
2. downtown julie brown
3. jon kelley on extra |
a.
i used to buy hair gel.... lots of it.
b. 70s Soft Rock
c.
The guy who thinks up the names of paint colors
mall arcade manager
parking lot attendant at the beach |
a. Queen's final
album (the dreaded musical 'inertia purchase')
b. Ghetto Shandy - Hurricane Malt Liquor & Rock Creek Ginger Ale
c.
Bill O'Reilly
Rush Limbaugh
Michael Savage |
a. book of 'Love
Poems'
b. Posion or Spice Girls
c.
1. Inspecting hotels for the Four Seasons throughout the world. 2.
Personal assistant to Liz Phair or Naomi Watts. 3. Professional
poker player |
a.
Monthly membership to backseatbangers.com
b. Debbie Gibson, "Only in my Dreams"
c. NFL Punter, last man on an NBA bench, jazz bassist |
a.
love
b. E.L.O.
c. UPS driver. Hans Bungle's personal lickspittle. Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court. |
a.
eye black
b. anything accordion
c.
1. Chris Berman
2. Tim McCarver
3. Michael Kay |
a.
hemorrhoid ointment with "unique gentle aplicator tip"
b. sweaty snatch - frozen vodka garnished with an anchovy
c.
Jobs:
frontier dentist
soda jerk
hod carrier |
a.
yo mama
b. come home with me bitch. it contains whatever
c.
stunt man
style consultant
movie reviewer |
a. "Juggs"
b. Green Day
c.
1. Imus
2. Tom Leykis
3. Sean Hannity |
a. a
ticket to an Insane Clown Posse concert in London
b. Dry Verbungle
c.
1. roadie for Motorhead
2. shit shoveler in chief
3. tamale roller |
#44 (8/23/04):
a.
Product that needs to be boycotted:
b.
What you drank the first time you got drunk
-or-
Suggested Kerry Campaign Slogan:
c.
Unheralded and noble act you performed at some point in life that should
now be heralded
-or-
Something you'll do differently than your parents did:
a. anything
in a strip mall
b. warm bud cans
c. i can't answer the first one just yet |
a.
Starbuck's
b. Budweiser
c. I've never cheated on an exam. |
|
a. Non-alcoholic beer of any
stripe (have some self respect and drink a soda!)
b. Chock full o' apathy
c. Different than my parents - I won't say "because I said so!"
Oh, who am I kidding? |
a.
G Unit Seakers
b. "Um, Hello? Bush Is a Fucking Idiot. C'mon People, Wake the
Fuck Up"
c. Clock ducats. No more of that communist bullshit. |
a.
Cocal Cola C2 Fuck that shit.
b. "We Can't See The Forests For All Of The Bushes"
c. I walked out of my place of employment one sunny day. I
witnessed a man sitting on the curb next to his car. It was a POS.
It was old and orange. The man had his head in his hands. He was
trying to get some where, but the old orange POS had a flat. He
had the trunk open as if he wanted to change the tire but
discovered he had no spare. I have never seen such a defeated
human being.
I asked, " Whats the problem?"
"I got a flat and I need to get somwhere very important" He
replied.
Any normal dick-head would have said something that added up to
"sucks to be you, dude" and went on his way.
I decided to offer him the only thing he needed, I gave him my
donut spare tire and helped him put it on. Of course I thought
that If I got a flat I'd be fokked, but I thought WTF. If I do a
good turn It may come back to me.
The next day he came into the store I worked in, rolling the tire
ahead of him, he smiled and shook my hand, and gave me a thank-you
card with a $50 bill in it. I never saw him again, but It is one
of those moments where you put aside your selfish assholiness to
help a fellow man, and it really means alot to that person. It
kinda makes life worth living. So........Vote for Kerry. |
| a. dunkin |
a. Computer
upgrades, starbucks, and Rap music
b. Cooking Wine and Cranberry Minute Maid
c. Leave the door closed when it's time to make mashed potatoes. |
a.
Peanut butter
b. BUSH SUCKS OSAMA PENIS |
a.
velveeta-- that shit ain't real cheese
b. fuzzy navels + bud + Schnapps shots.
c. I will not bring up sensitive discussions (e.g., "Do you think
you have PMS?") after trapping my teenager in the car. |
a.
soda- in general. i know we already have the pepsi boycott going,
but soda companies in general are making way too much money and
having way too much influence on our lives. i mean it's fucking
sugar water that fizzes!
b. Do you feel safer than you did 4 years ago?
c. i probably wont quit drinking for the first 18 years of the
kids life. i swear i never saw my father drunk until i was in
college |
a.
make my jimmy hard pills
b. anal can be loving
c. spend more time using the back door so less kids are at risk of
being squeezed outta the front. |
a.
Dunkin' Donuts - Donates strictly to those nasty Republicans
b. A jigger of SoCo ala Janis Joplin
c. I will not work at a thankless, low paying job for more than 10
years. |
a. Fox
News Channel. Hell, all cable news.
b. Strong German pils, in Germany no less.
c. Use birth control. |
#43 (8/23/04):
a. Sexiest politician of all time (provide
link if obscure):
b. Something I should record with my new iPod
audio recording device:
c.
Why one should/shouldn't vote for Nader
-or-
The craziest shit you ever witnessed firsthand (supernatural shit is good,
but so is any out-of-the-ordinary human behavior):
a. mike
doo cock kiss.
b. something never before recorded
c. nader has no coherent women's rights platform
(i can't believe i missed the last stumper. i never miss
stumpers.) |
a.
JFK Jr. ....well he was sorta in politics
b. Your farts
c. http://www.projo.com/seasonal/halloween/images/nader.jpg |
|
a. Jessica Simpson
b. record someone being really condescending at work
c. My brother and I once saw a pterodactyl flying over our car. |
a.
sally 'easy in the alley' tammany of tammany hall fame
b. the sound of your nuts knocking together
c. don't vote for nader because he dissed the green party |
a.
JFK, because someone once told me I look like him
b. The sound of wings flapping away in the distance
c. To paraphrase Nas from his recent performance in Central Park,
it doesn't make sense to vote for either Bush or Kerry because,
"they both devils." My feeling is that living in New York we have
a free vote because Kerry will easily win the state (unless the
Bush devils are successful in their plan to rig the election
again). Therefore we're free to vote for someone who we would
actually want to see as President like David McReynolds or Jim
Bruer. And for all of Nader's faults at least he is aware of and
honest about how corrupt the system is. |
a.
Senator of South Carlolina has a horse cock
b. naked volleyball players spiking and digging and spreading
c. the time i kept it stiff for at least 6 hours, not as good as
Sting, but pretty good for me. |
a.
Spanish President Zapatero
b.
Scissor Sisters
c. I can not take credit for this, but my other half was once
walking to work in time square when ,a very conservatively dress
business woman walking ahead of him, stepped from the sidewalk
into the street hiked up her business-suit-power-skirt and dropped
a giant turd in the gutter. |
a.
Du. Kak. Is.
b. You jerking off to your new iPod. Try not to get jizz in the
gears.
c. On my lunch hour one spring day I saw a homeless woman drop
trou right in the middle of Sixth Avenue in midtown (not in the
crosswalk, mind you) and take a hot, steamy dump. When you said
"craziest shit" you meant that literally, right? |
c.
vote for me cuz i'm ralph nada
with a little bit a gold and a paga |
#42 (8/23/04):
a. One Olympic Event that needs to get the boot, and one you'd add in its
place:
b.
A smell you can't stand
-or-
Who should replace Craig Kilborn:
c.
What Jim McGreevey should do over the next 12 months
-or-
Lyrical couplet that resonates deeply with you:
a. Boot:
Biatholon- what the fuck does combining shooting and cross-country
skiing come from? Add: putting your hand in front of you and then
rotating them in different directions (one going towards you, one
the other way); I'd dominate that shit.
b. Noam Chomsky
c. "I cherish the twilight/I maximize, my soul is the right size"-Posdnous
of De La Soul ("I Am I Be") |
a.
Synchronized Diving.
b. Cat Piss.... No..... Dog Piss....Fuck it....piss in general.
c. I crawl like a viper through these suburban streets.
Make love to these women, languid and bittersweet. |
|
a. I'd swap kayaking with
"The Bridge Over the River Kwai:" Stick a bunch of people in the
hot sun. No food, no water and you can't move a muscle. Last one
standing gets the gold.
b. I can't stand the smell of Craig Kilborn. I think they should
replace his with M*A*S*H reruns. I'm so sick of
c. If I was king I'd wear a ring and never hurt my people.
I'd stay alert and dress to kill. I might even slip you something |
a.
beach volleyball- 'amateur' fishing
b. boiled cabbage
c. start a gay politicians organization with the goal of having a
gay president by 2080 |
a.
Equestrian - Out / Rugby - In
b. I hate the smells of burning rubber, vomit, and other people's
piss
c. McGreevey's Punchlist:
- Take a nice long vacation
- Write the book
- "Turn" Rick Santorum
- Lift some weights
- Don't go on Larry King or Oprah
- Raise taxes before resignation
- Announce intention to run for Mayor of NYC |
a.
the midget weight lifting event- mature women's gymnastics,
meaning giving the fine women in their late twenties a venue to
flex and spread,etc.
b. the piss smell in my girl's panties
c.
do an off off broadway play with greg louganis: try to become a
gay icon of some sort.
-------------------------------------
Crack kills but not this kind
I try to get ahead when I get behind
I wish I was your panties full grown
so when you put em on
I could be home sweet home |
a.
replace women's shot put with the women's gymnastics contortion
event/flexibility test. Do it Van Damme style tying each nubile
teen's leg to a tree and see who can hold it or go the farthest.
b. boss' coffee breath
c. pack some new fudge for little debbies |
a.
mens gymnastics replaced by breaking boards over hard gymnast
body's event: a mixture of martial arts and women's gymnastics
b. panties that smell like band aids
c. write a memoir |
a.
women's anything; NASCAR
b. Jim McGreevey
c. See answer #2, and
find out exactly how gay he is |
a.
mens and womens auto fixation.
b. Matt Lillard
c. Quand je te vois, je suis dur
et le promenade est difficile |
a. the
greatest event ever is women's trampoline, unbelievable
b. Peter North
c. Make a penis pump video |
a.
cock fighting (with dicks longer than 8")
b. smell of #2 in my girlfriends mouth even after brushing her
teeth (my girlfriend's fetish)
c. the carnivores
by:Ditell Makliht
The opening widens, an ash brown to a bloody rare pink,
the lips are wet with anticipation and quiver nervously, a reflex,
awaiting the painful union. It bleeds ever so slightly
but that is enjoyed.
in time that pain becomes habit. |
#41 (8/16/04):
a. Videogame you could kick my ass at
-or-
Name of videogame that should exist but doesn't:
b.
Band you wish you'd seen at their peak but didn't:
c.
Something you learned the hard way (please include details of what "the
hard way" entailed)
-or-
The greatest coming-of-age movie and why:
a. Mat
Mania
b. Zep
c.
- don't shit where you eat
- never squeal on the pusher
- don't lie to your mama
- you'll get burned from playin' by the rules |
a.
Kill the Poor
b. kajagoogoo
c. Harold and Maude: because it is the greatest coming-of-age
movie of all time |
|
a. Paperboy. Why can't I find
a goddamn PC emulator for that game?
b. The Pixies. My wife did. She was dragged to the concert in high
school having never heard of the band and hated it. Now she tells
this story -- minus the hating it part -- and receives awed
responses from anyone in our peer group.
c. Don't slide into home in a kickball game played on pavement if
you're wearing shorts.
Learned the hard way fall, 1984. |
a.
Mat Mania
b. Zep
c. Doggie style ain't just for dogs. |
a.
I could kick your ass at GALAGA
b. KISS
c.
The greatest coming of age movie ever is FULL METAL JACKET......
You look like the kid of person who would f#&% a person in the A%&
and not even give them the common courtesy of a reach
around....... |
a.
That penguin racing game on the Adam that I housed the first time
I played it
b. Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, Sly and the Family Stone, GG Allin
c. That I'm just no good at basketball. Hours and hours and hours
for years and years of shooting and ball-handling practice on my
own and then getting into games, and consistently shooting about
17% from the field and getting ripped just about every time I put
the ball on the floor. |
a. I
could kick your ass at Bubble Bobble or Dig Dug
b. The Clash or maybe Led Zep
c. Coming of age movie:
Not fucking Stand By Me, I can tell you that much.
Goonies maybe? Believable characters, strong acting, poignant
script. Those kids triumphed over evil but they all left something
in those caves that they'll never get back.
Three Men and a Little Lady? |
a.
Turbo.
b. Pixies. In a few weeks I get to see today's paunchy, balding
version and I'm plenty psyched.
c. Harold & Maude. Death can be funny. |
a. Ms.
Pacman
b. The Grateful Dead- so I could understand
c. Running on Empty - River Phoenix's character having to choose
between his family and life/love.
Probably wouldn't have thought of it, but watched it this weekend
and cried like a sissy. |
a.
Robotron (dude, you know it)
b. Mozart
c. the greatest coming-of-age movies, in order, are:
3) jimmy eats nuts, then comes of age.
2) sally takes a sausage in the poopshoot and then learns about
life.
and ....
1) old yeller. |
#40 (7/28/04):
a. Age, date, and location of the loss of your virginity:
b.
Your arch-enemy:
c.
Your most embarrassing fart story OR your philosophy on raising children
(if different):
a. 16,
Jan. 1, my bedroom
b. The bartender at McSwiggan's
c. About 2 years ago, I blasted one out in the elevator on my way
up to my apartment. It was pretty late and no one else was in the
car with me, so I figured I was free to do as I pleased. I mean
who the fuck gets on the elevator going UP from anyplace else
other than the lobby? Well, at least one person, and she got on
the elevator with me that evening.
It didn't smell good in there.
It didn't help that I was kind of giggling (oh, yeah, I was drunk,
or had you guessed already?). We just stood there together,
wallowing in the smell. Maybe that woman is my real arch-enemy. |
a.
I was 16. January 30th, 1987. Ridgefield, CT. Incidentally, it was
her little brother's bed, complete with Star Wars sheets.
b. Sammy Hagar
c. Can I tell someone else's most embarrassing fart story? Back
during my FN days, there was a temp receptionist that I had a huge
crush on. She was British and leggy and kinda looked like Liz
Hurley. Her accent drove me crazy, guvner. Anyway, one day I'm
waiting by myself for the elevator to arrive on the 31st floor.
The bell rings, the doors open and a lone figure sprints out right
past me in a blur, staring at the floor. It was her, obviously in
a rush. I stepped into the empty elevator and immediately realized
she wasn't late for an appointment, she was fleeing her own
self-created gas chamber. I was nearly overcome by the rankest
fish-n-chips fart ever to waft past my nostrils. She never looked
me in the eye again after that. Besides my love for that lovely
lass, also dashed that day was the myth that girls don't toot. |
|
a. 17, August 1986, backseat
of girlfriend's car.
b. I'll get back to you.......
c. I was 13 and learning to play golf. Out on the links with my
father, brother and grandfather. I was preparing to hit a 5 iron
over a lake onto the green, It was about 105 in the shade, as I
lined up the shot, head down, arms straight, it happened, one of
those farts that starts off loudly then tails off and upward in
pitch, the sheer embarrassment ended my golfing career forever. |
a.
Age: 16 Date: ???? Location: A cabin at the CYO (Christian Youth
Organazation) summer camp. It was in the woods behind my
highschool. It was the make-out place you went to when you cut
classes.
b. E.O. B.T.
c. I was with a friend at a swanky new bar ala Sex In The City.
Beautiful people EVERYWHERE. It was emptying out at closing time.
We were VERY drunk and she dared me to light my gas. We were
seated on these plush new sofa's and I made several attempts to
set one a-flame.
After a few tries, I hit pay-dirt and sent out a little beauty of
a flare. We busted ourselves laughing and falling over for a few
minutes.
My friend leaned back on the sofa and looked up... With this,
roaring laughter followed and sent her into tears. I couldn't
understand this second rush of giggles until she pointed up and I
saw - to my horror- there was a CCTV camera literally directly
above me pointing straight down at me!!!! |
a.
16, 7/20/85 10:05pm, The beach of the lake at my country house
b. Then: Premature Ejaculation; Now: My expanding Gut
c. We plan on raising my children without the aid of a Nanny or
Day-Care Center, even at the expense of my Wife's income.
Developing children are extremely influenced by the people that
they spend time with and we want that influence to come from US.
When my cousin was growing up, both my Aunt and my Uncle worked
during the day and left him with his Grandparents (from the other
side of his family) who were East German. He subsequently
developed a German Accent. I guess it left an impression on me. |
a.
March 12, 2006 (pray for me)
b. Fucko the Wonderdog and his sidekick Dongblong
c. this one time i farted and i was on a hot air balloon and the
balloon got too much gas in it and then it expanded and we floated
to nepal. |
a. 18
(yeah, old), April 1989, a twin bed in Hartford, CT
b. John Ashcroft
c. When the hottest girl in my junior high sneezed, suffered a
temporary loss of sphincter control, and let a loud one slip out.
From that point on, she became known as "Achoo, Thurppp!" She is a
grown woman with three kids and I still think of her as, "Achoo,
Thurppp!" |
a.
18, ca. May of 1988, a loft bed in a dorm room in Madison,
Wisconsin. The loft was loosely constructed so I had to hold onto
the wall to prevent the loud banging noises that would have
occurred with each thrust (and there were at least four thrusts).
b. Bob Costas
c. Right around that time, May of 1988, loft-girl and I went
through one what would turn out to be many breakups. She
went home for the weekend to hang out with her friends, and I
stayed in town (Madison) and went to a party with some of mine.
Newly single, I was determined to charm some ladies. And
charm them I did, specifically a hot blonde who lived on the 9th
floor of our dorm (we were on the 10th floor, but I didn't really
know her outside of admiring her in the elevator). I was
unleashing a stream of bullshit that she found irresistible.
She reportedly told one of my pals, "Your friend's a pretty smooth
talker." The next thing I knew I was walking her home and we
were holding hands. What a magic feeling. We stopped a
couple of times to kiss on the street. I would call it
making out but it was more gentle and innocent than that.
Finally, we got to her dorm room, but we couldn't go in because
her roommate was asleep. So we sat right outside the room,
in the hallway, sort of holding hands and kissing a little bit. I
was so happy. She was way out of my league, but she couldn't
get enough of me on this fine night. Then, suddenly, we
realized we had differences in how we would choose to raise our
children. Just kidding. Real story follows: suddenly,
I ripped a trombone fart that reverberated off the hallway floor.
Someone had walked past us about thirty seconds earlier, and they
were now all the way down the hall. That didn't stop me from
trying to pass the fart off on this innocent stranger. "Hey,
that's disgusting," I desperately called out down the hallway.
But my new girlfriend, let's call her Joan, looked me dead in the
eye, and said, "Oh no, that was YOU! I heard that!" She was
understandably grossed out. The night wrapped up pretty much right
at that instant. I never spoke to Joan again.
Epilogue #1: The next day, there was a story
going around that someone had written all sorts of lovey-dovey
notes on the message board that hung on Joan's dorm room door. We
can only suppose it was me.
Epilogue #2: That Sunday night, my
ex-girlfriend, the one that I had recently and temporarily broken
up with (let's call her MJ), was hanging out with me and a few
friends of mine in a friend's room. Another friend walked
in, and, not seeing MJ in the room, blurted out, "So, are you
going to tell MJ about Joan?" I was now, fucker.
My humiliation was complete. |
#39 (7/28/04):
a. Best hangover cure:
b. Where you live and the best or worst thing
about it:
c. Most outlandish/stupid thing you said to
someone a) on a date or b) in an authority position or c) who was a
stranger-- and why you said such nonsense:
a. sneak
out the back at 12:57 a.m. after fourth/fifth round and hit the
bed mat
b. d.c. - race relations lag badly behind rest of northeast,
including boston
c. When I was a wee lad of 9 I told my Dad he was a "piece of
shit" because he made me clear the table. That was very
inappropriate. But, in a very wise way, he calmly asked me why I
said what I said and helped me get past my bit of early
brinkmanship without killing me. Props to Dad.
Nixon had died - I guess it mighta been the spring of '95 - and I
was eating at dinner at female friend's house. I was sorta dating
her but not 100 percent. We were classmates as well. Her Dad was
waxing a little misty eyed about ol' Tricky Dick and I said Nixon
could "Burn in hell." It offended her and her family on at least
six and possibly as many as ten different levels. And the silence
that followed was pretty deafening. I said it because the young
lady/date/schoolmate was an obnoxious know-it-all who ended my
sentences for me. I guess my internal calculus was telling me that
it was not a viable relationship anyway so I might as well not sit
there and listen to weepy eyed paeans to Nixon. However, it was
kind of uncalled in its random ferocity. I'd probably hold that
one in if I had to do it again.
Three years later, in a mass email to several of the top editors
at the ______ _______, I once in anger accused the world's largest
news gathering organization of unprofessional behavior. Oy. I said
it because they had forced me to quit my staff job in New York,
ironically, to take an unpaid position as a journalism fellow at
their Berlin bureau, a post I fiercely coveted. I was right, they
were wrong, and I was pretty much blacklisted in perpetuity. It
was not the smart way to roll. However, I did stick to my guns. |
a.
1000mg Ibuprofen BEFORE you go to bed/ pass out, but AFTER you are
done heaving.
b. West Baltimore. The best thing about it is: Lots of old tall
trees
c. Hey lady, ya wanna f***?
OOPS! Your not who I thot you were.....
um........ |
|
a. Marijuana, of course. The
medicinal qualities of this divine plant cannot be denied.
b. California. Sarcasm as humor doesn't go over well here. I don't
know if that's good or bad but it's disarming for a sarcastic east
coast bastard like me.
c.
a) I was on a terrible date once and yawned throughout. I was damn
tired and she was bo ring. Finally the girl had enough and said
something like, "You know, it doesn't make me feel very special
that you're constantly yawning." I just shrugged and yawned again.
I hate dating.
b) I lectured a Giuliani-era undercover cop who gave me a ticket
for smoking a cigarette on the subway platform, saying stupid shit
like, "Good thing you've cleared up all the real crime in this
city and can now focus on the Marlboro addicts." (Little did I
know what the future would bring for NYC smokers.) Then every time
after that when I would spot that cop hanging around the platform
posing as your average straphanger I would wave and smile and say
in a loud voice: "Hello, officer!" He didn't like me one bit.
c) Sometimes when I'm drunk in a bar and spot doofus hipsters
wearing ski hats when it's 90 degrees outside I ask them how the
conditions are out there and whether they would like a hot
chocolate. |
a. Excedrin and
warm coca cola NOT Pepsi.
b. NJ - Best is the shore - worst - it's still NJ
c.
"Do you have any idea how utterly boring you are?"
Setting: Date at Oceana Restaurant, NYC.
Reason: Possibly one of the worst dates in history. He did nothing
but talk about himself for 3 hours. His childhood, his college
days, his exciting Media Buying/Advertising career etc. for 3
hours! Even the waiters knew I was bored and NOT interested!! Now
Oceana is known for never rushing anyone and they wait until you
ask for the check...this guy kept ordering desserts and coffee
after coffee in spite of me saying "I have to catch a train" etc.
Did not take any hint. Finally he went to the men's room (from all
the damn coffee) and I called over the waiter and told him to
bring the check. Then when my "date" comes back and sees the check
he says " How dare they try to rush our beautiful evening
together" - That is when I said "Do you have any idea how utterly
boring you are?" |
a.
1 qt.water and advil...then sleep for 1 more hour
b. jersey shore. 2 minutes away from looking at the ocean.
c. at mardi gras i was talking to this other drunk dude and we
were discussing the atmosphere. i told him that all the commotion
makes me think of what hiroshima must have been like just before
the bomb dropped. |
#38 (7/18/04):
a. Drink of choice in high school/college. (If beer, brand please.)
b. Drink of choice, now. (If beer, brand please.)
c. Moment in your life you would relive, (good or bad) real outcome and
desired outcome, if different.
a. sierra
nevada
b. coors light
c. accepting my first job out of college. i had been working at
chebby bents part time during spring semester for a whopping $75/
week.
after graduation they offered to put me on full time, for a
whopping $17,500 annual salary.
i should have held out for just a bit more...or demanded that i at
least be paid overtime (which i qualified for) since i could
easily put in 60-70 hour weeks for those con-men.
unemployment used to scare the HELL out of me. |
a.
Genesee Cream Ale ($2 Pints at Nectar's)
b. Stella Artois or Guinness if in Bar; MGD bottles if outside
c. Real: Me reading the Daily News on Saturday and seeing I didn't
win $290 million.
Desired: Me reading the Daily News on Saturday and seeing I did
win $290 million. |
|
a. Milwaukee's Best and Jack
Daniel.
b. Wild Turkey or any halfway decent vodka. And I can't explain it
but I actually like Bud Light.
c. I would relive the moment I didn't go see Van Halen on the 1984
tour. Then I would go see Van Halen on the 1984 tour. |
a. 40 of Old
English; anything in liquor cabinet (high school)
b. Guiness
c. Old college relationsip. Desired outcome: dump the fucker quick
fast & do the roommate and/or selected friends instead. Real
outcome: dumped the fucker after a while, didn't do the roommate
or desired friends... what a waste. |
a.
Mickeys Big Mouth
b. Corona
c. I was 11, playing little league. I batted .147. On a sunny day,
I closed my eyes and swung at a pitch...... And CRUSHED it for a 3
run homer down the third base line. It rolled and rolled. I burst
into tears as I crossed the plate, surrounded by my team.
Glorious. |
a. 2 liter of Purple passion (active ingredient
Everclear grain alcohol)
b. Hoegaarden
c. My left elbow joint hasn't worked quite right ever since it was
horribly dislocated it while drunken wrestling with one of my best
friends years ago in the backyard during a party, quite possibly
after downing a 2 liter of the Passion. I would have avoided the
wrestling part of that evening.
I also have a thick scar on my chin that I received while arguing
over a billiards shot in the basement of Manitoba's on Avenue B.
It was with a kinda-friend and we were horsing around more than
anything, wasted, but it ended in the emergency room of Beth
Israel. I would like to relive that episode and avoid the entire
situation and erase the ugly scar. I think my blood is still on
the felt there, but I don't care about that. And I wish I didn't
drop my full beer all over my leg last night at the Prince
concert. What a waste and now I have to wash my jeans prematurely,
too. |
a.
Any combination of hard liquor that we could steel from my
parents. We’d put it in a Polio Ricotta cheese container and hide
in the woods and hold our noses while drinking. YUM!!!
b. pint of 1667
c. Would not have taken that second laxative... outcome both
desired and real are obvious |
a.
Easy Drinkin' Busch Light
b. Bourbon
c. Game-winning, walkoff dinger in baseball camp circa 1984. Would
change nothing. |
a.
blackberry brandy
b. syrah
c. on my high school graduation night, a bunch of my friends got
stoned before the ceremony. Since I thought HS graduation was such
an important event, i chose not to partake.
they had so much more fun than i did... especially when the
valedictorian was shaking his fist in the air during the climax of
his speech. they all started bursting in laughter and i just shook
my head, knowing how much funnier it would have been if i was
high... |
a.
Egg creams
b. Corona (I think it's a subconscious need to force people to go
through the trouble of getting a lime
c. June something, 1987. Final high school baseball game ever.
Playing Hunter High School on a grey, rainy Saturday all the way
out at Lincoln High School. Winner goes to the playoffs. Loser
gets to think about it for the rest of time. Two outs in the
bottom of the last inning. Down by two. Like those Mets fuckers of
the year before, we were mounting a comeback and starting to hit
their pitcher hard. With two outs, Yoshi Nobumoto hit a double
then scored on a hit by one of the all-time bastards named Daniel
Grant. (Looking back, I can admit there were a number of reasons
that I hated this guy that had a lot more to do with me than him.
He seemed to have a way with the ladies and was on his way to a
good college and surely a higher salary than I would ever earn. He
was nicknamed "Ho Ho" because despite being black, he was thought
of as a "white guy stuck in black guy's body." While he and his
friends thought this was cute, in my self-righteousness I was
angered by what seemed like Uncle Tom-like behavior. (p.s. I'm
white.) Also, he was a much better player than me despite having
no fucking clue as to how to play baseball--not having watched a
single game, not having a basic undertanding of the important
subtleties of hitting a cutoff man or working a count, not having
read the Art of Hitting .300--which pissed me off to no end.) With
Ho Ho on first, Mike Moss headed to the plate. If the rally
continued, next up would be Pakai Ngai and then me. (Pakai was
around 5'2" and walked at least every other time up.) Mike singled
sharply to left and the ball bounced right in front of the left
fielder as we all screamed. Pakai headed toward the batter's box
and my heart pounded, knowing that there was a good possibility I
would be up with the tying run on third and two outs. I was
imagining that the Greatest Moment of My Life was a few minutes
away. My dismal, depressive sex-less high school years would be
over as being the hero here would surely change my life, boost my
self-esteem, get me into the college of my choice, and get me the
chance to at least touch a breast. But before I could even slide
the donut on to the bat, Ho Ho reached second and we all realized
that he wasn't slowing down. Our collective scream turned into a
sickening groan as Ho Ho rounded second at full-speed. With the
ball already in the left fielder's glove, he headed to third. Now,
if I had learned anything on the godforsaken 18 years that I had
been on the planet, it was that you never made the first or last
out of an inning at third base (Thanks, Frank Messer). I guess Ho
Ho had been too busy getting laid and enjoying life to have heard
this particulat tidbit. He was out by at least fifteen feet.
I ended up at SUNY Stony Brook and wouldn't touch a breast for
another four years. |
#37 (7/8/04): A brief word on this
week's challenge: I was considering ending the challenge on account of my
own lame questions and the dwindling number of responses. But you
have created your own questions and come up with lots of thoughtful
answers. This week's questions were worded just vaguely enough that you
could go a number of ways with 'em, and so you did. You guys are the best
(even if it's just one of you sending in multiple responses). You're
also really gross.
a. Something that has come out of or off of your own
body that has truly disturbed you.
b. Someone you’ve had sex with but have NEVER told ANYONE (because of your
own mortification)
-or-
Someone you really want to have sex with and have NEVER told ANYONE
(because of your own mortification):
c. Top 3 good/bad movies of all time in order. Example
"Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead…, Xanadu, The Prophecy" Please
provide supporting materials or reasons for your choices.
a. I
squeezed a huge zit on the back of my neck. The ample contents
that oozed out reeked of garlic.
b. A married man who was a on the board of directors at the
country club I was working at the time. The act took place in his
living room while the wife was out collecting the kids from school
– unaware of his homosexual actions – let alone feelings.
c. Since the three examples were my choices for the worst/best
here are my runner-ups…
3) Miss congeniality: stupid mindless twaddle, perfect for
escapism. I’ll watch it every time it’s on.
2) Grease II: At the time I couldn’t understand my very strange
feelings towards Maxwell Caufield in his very tight leather pants.
1)
Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster: What more could you ask for… a
giant flying turd that spits acid and tokes off of smoke stacks.
And the classic trance hit, "SAVE THE EARTH". Actually any
Godzilla movie. |
| c. The
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is the greatest movie ever and
everything else is just chopped liver. |
|
a. Having fluid drained from
my knee was really gross
b. Darryl Hannah (but only as a mermaid)
c.
Top 5 Good (not in order, and changes on any given day, and I
want to do 5 instead of 3, so screw you):
- Dazed and Confused - obviously.
- Sling Blade - Beautiful movie-making. Very fine performances.
Good script. One of the very, very few watchable mentally-challanged
protaganist genre movies. Also, one of the very, very few movies
that is watchable despite a little kid in one of the lead roles.
Actually, considering all the stuff this movie had going against
it (little kid, retard, no nudity), makes it all the better.
- The Shawshank Redemption - lovely movie. Morgan Freeman is
perfect and Tim Robbins is great. Excellent supporting cast.
- Old School - Fantastic. Will Farrell is hilarious, but Vince
Vaugn is my favorite. He can be real annoying, but Vaugn can also
be very funny.
- possible #5 - Lost in Translation - Need to watch it again. Wish
I had seen it on the big screen. Beautifully shot. A restrained
and fragile Bill Murray. And a script that made the right decision
at the end.
The Bad 3 (again, in no order and subject to revision):
- Troy - Awful. Like a PG-13 version of Braveheart set in Greece
(or Turkey, wherever the fuck Troy is), without all the cool blood
and gore. Also, nothing fucking happens in this 4 1/2 hour movie.
- Hackers - Fisher Stevens and Lorraine Bracco team up to make one
of the most ridiculous villain combos of all time. Hopelessly
dated.
- Pretty in Pink - This movie is awful and depressing. Molly
Ringwald's homemade dress sucks. And Ducky? Jon Cryer is a
douchebag.
- Honorable mention: My Weekend at Bernie's. |
a. the brown stuff
i put in little jars in my closet
b. ashton kutchner
c. 3 way tie-waterworld,the postman,the most recent kevin costner
baseball movie |
a.
blood out of my pee pee
b. my co - worker Karen S.(hope she's reading)
c.
-mannequinn II
-weekend at bernies II
-mannequinn |
a. A freckle - it literally fell off in my hand
b. I had sex with...If I told you I would have to kill you or me!
I will take this to my grave!
c.
Good = Godfather - It speaks for itself
Good = The Sixth Sense - Continued to make you think after the
movie was over.
BAD = Any movie with Jackie Chan - Really - is there a reason for
any of them? |
a. My
Kids
b. Your Wife
c.
Worst all time Movies.......
#3 Star Wars Episope 2 "attack of the bad dialogue"
#2 The Entire ROBOCOP Series...."You have 10 seconds to run out of
the theatre"
#3 Rocky V......now we have a "Rocky movie for each day of the
week. |
a. an
area on my upper thigh that i am able to squeeze out an unusual
amount of "cheese" or oil?-scared to find out what it is, but it's
kind of greasy and smells rotten.
b. jenny s.-she's my fantasy every night even when i'm dogging
some other broad
c.
-the recent sean penn mongoloid movie
-the other sister ( another mongoloid movie)
-nell (sort of a mongoloidish movie) |
a.
the first time spooge leaked out of herman.
b. my three 23 year old neighbors- 3 on 1 handicap
match...spurt...spurt...sploogurt.
c.
-silent night deadly night
-santa with muscles
-the hills have eyes II |
a.
every time i take a dump it disturbs me, the smell kills
b. i'd like a ride on vincent gallo's stallion
c.
3 Best:
Bully
Buffalo 66
Bad News Bears |
a.
red pee
b. my friend's mom in highschool
c.
rambone
bootyholics vol. 7
schindler's list |
a. a
worm/parasite burrowed into my arm, no shit
b. marc and stanley
c.
best:
pretty woman
when a man loves a woman
maid in manhattan |
a.
ringworms
b. Trish at Scores
c.
Darryl
the Wiz
Action Jackson |
a.
hairy mole follicle uproot
b. jennifer garner
c.
Caligula(penthouse version)
I spit on your grave
Last tango in paris |
a.
fungus by the verbungle region
b. the redhead on that 70's show
c.
-tonya harding sex tape
-happy hooker goes to washington
-DC cab |
#36 (6/30/04)
a. What pet would you like to have (legal or not)?
b. The name of the first porno movie you ever saw, or what you can
remember about its plot:
c. The first name of the worst criminal you've ever
known personally -- and their crime
or
The most illegal thing you've ever done and how you evaded capture or
detection (if you did):
a. chimpanzee
b. Holly Does Hollywood
c. Penisface. |
a.
Cheetah
b. Working Girls, in high school we rented it thinking it was the
Melanie Griffith movie, Working Girl. We didn't realize it wasn't
the PG movie, even after the scene opens with a caucasian woman
and an african-american woman in bed together.
c. Don't know the first name, but he went by "Bake". Bake was a
bar owner and married man with two sons. One night he shot and
killed a man who came into his bar, claiming the man was
threatening him. But the small-town rumor was that he was dating
this man on the DL. Bake served jail time.
He was alway nice to me, even though he murdered someone. |
|
a. 50-foot green bear
b. people were fucking (!!)
c.
I talked shit.
But I played it off legit. |
a.
Mick Jagger
b. Little Mouse On the Fairy. Disney's first foray into porn.
Features Mickey Mouse and Tinker Bell.
c. Bill. Bilked MILLIONS of dollars out of hapless consumers.
Spent it on Heroin. Currently 6 feet under. |
a.
a unicorn
b. Joy Toys. Hot sales chicks went around selling sex toys. Peter
North as the pool boy would come a-knockin' using "windy day" as
the ice-breaker
c. Assassination on John F. Kennedy. My buddy Lee, the building
janitor, happened by and well, the rest is history as they say. |
a. an ostrich would be fun
b. there were a lot of women slurping on each other
c. i opened a bank account with my middle name and then with the
checking account i already had i wrote a $6000 check to myself and
deposited it into the new account. when it for whatever reason it
cleared in three days i withdrew every cent and closed both
accounts. i bought a 1990 geo and took a trip to new york with the
money. |
a. a slutty pet man
b. plot?
c. stole car. returned it. |
#35 (6/21/04)
a. What would your name be if you were of the opposite sex?
b. How much money would you need - in cash - to walk off the job tomorrow?
c. Weigh the pros and cons of an exclusive dating relationship vs. the
ability to sleep around:
a. Emily
Brush
b. minimum $100,000, but to never again go back to the corporate
teat: $700,000
c. The exclusive dating relationship only becomes a plus when you
have found someone with whom you are sure you wish to be
exclusive. Anything less is just serial monogamy - and there is
something fundamentally dishonest about boy/girlfriend hopping
just for the sake of a steady lay. |
a.
Stephanie (I have yet to meet (or MEAT) a Stephanie that I have
been able to get along with.....Ironic?)
b. one............MILLION dollars.
c.
|
Exclusive:
|
Sleep Around: |
| Guaranteed Play. |
Gotta go get it. |
| Easy |
Challenging |
| No cologne
Necessary |
Cologne Necessary |
| Minimal charm
req. |
Charm Required |
| Makes you
Breakfast |
Make her breakfast. |
| Sex During
ballgame |
No
ballgames |
| Can use "Pet
name" |
yell out wrong name |
|
|
a. Christine
b. 75000
c.
exclusive-
pro: you know what you're getting and you know how to make it
good.
con: if your partner isn't up for it, you have to sneak off and do
it yourself
sleep around-
pro: you can have lots of stories to tell your friends
con: slumps |
a.
Silk-E
b.$38,000
c.
plus for being a ho- different kinds of pie every night
not the same ol' slice with a little whipped cream on top of the
chin- if you know what i mean
plus for monogamy- luxury of no jimmy hat/shooting your load deep
into her moist duncan hines- if you know what i mean. |
a.
Cherry
b. It took me 25k to do just that.
c. Ask Scott Peterson. |
a. Desiree Buttcake
b. 20 grand
c. I hear monogamy is rewarding on some level but I'll just have
to take your word on that. Alls I know is there's no more sublime
experience than sliding your hand inside a girl's panties for the
first time. |
a. vagina face
b. $1 million
c. I like to drink beer. |
#34 (6/14/04)
a. An industry you'd be ashamed to be a part of (sex
industry not included):
b. Something you learned from watching TV:
c. Come up with your own three-question reader challenge (the last
question should hopefully elicit a slightly longer response than the first
two):
a. Hollywood
gossip columnist or restaurant reviewer or film reviewer or any
bottom feeding industry like that!
b. Learned on BBC’s ‘What the Tudor’s did for us"
c.
1) Something that has come out of or off of your own body that has
truly disturbed you.
2) Someone you’ve had sex with but have NEVER told ANYONE (because
of your own mortification) Or Someone you really want to have sex
with and have NEVER told ANYONE (because of your own
mortification)
3) Top 3 good/bad movies of all time in order. Example "Don’t Tell
Mom the Babysitter’s Dead…, Xanadu, The Prophecy" Please provide
supporting materials or reasons for your choices. |
a.
the oil industry...actually, since i put gasoline in my car, i am
part of it...and i'm ashamed.
b. people will do anything to get on tv
c.
1) what pet would you like to have (legal or not)
2) the name of the first porno movie you ever saw, or what you can
remember about its plot
3) the first name of the worst criminal you've ever known personally-
and their crime
or
the most illegal thing you've ever done and how you evaded capture
or detection
|
|
a. The Ballbag Punching
Industry
b. Being Vacuous Is a Modern Asset
c.
1) What would your name be if you were of the opposite sex?
2) How much money would you need - in cash - to walk off the job
tomorrow?
3) Weigh the pros and cons of an exclusive dating relationship vs.
the ability to sleep around. |
a.
Personal assistant to anyone
b. Channel J is good
c.
1) Age, date, and location of the loss of your virginity:
2) Your arch-enemy:
3) Your most embarrassing fart story OR your philosophy on raising
children: |
a.
Insurance
b. Barbara Kafka farts a lot
c.
1) A fashion trend that needs to come back, SOON:
2) Boxers or briefs? OR panties or thong?:
3) best Superfriend superhero and why AND worst superfriend
superhero and why: |
a.
post office
b. coffee can be used to clean out your bung hole. (coffee enema)
c.
1) are you gay if you've had gay sex in a dream?
2) are you gay just because you wonder what it's like to kiss a
man?
3) is wearing a t shirt with a picture of a finger about to finger
an anus homo erotic? |
a. Meat Packing
b. "Shade your eyes" when peeling onions...courtesy of a sunglass
wearing Curtis Aiken.
c.
1) Drink of choice in college. (If beer, brand please.)
2) Drink of choice, now. (If beer, brand please.)
3) Moment in your life you would relive, (good or bad) real
outcome and desired outcome, if different. |
a. senate/congress
b. Mt. St. Helens busted from the side.
c.
1) Best hangover cure:
2) Where you live and the best and worst thing about it:
3) Most outlandish/stupid thing you said to someone (a) on a date
(b) in an authority position (c) who was a stranger-- and why you
said such nonsense. |
a. The Nunpuncolar Resprification Industry
b. how to skratch my nutz
c.
1) First nutpussycock you ever cuntlap fart penised.
2) Name either your first big ball bag shit pile or your first
asspoke fartface turdburgle.
3) Take a minute and relive your most embarrassing assshitpussy
nutcock. |
#33 (6/7/04)
a. Something that used to seem important to you but no
longer does:
b. Item you'd like to see sold in the verbungle boutique:
c. Break someone's trust and reveal a secret you swore you'd keep forever
(as long as you don't name names it's OK, right?)
-or-
An animal and what the name for a group of these animals traveling
together should be (e.g. puma; a clyde of pumas):
a. the
onion
b. Verbungle Season 1 DVD, with special never before seen footage
and interviews with the director and cast
c. cows; a swarm of cows |
c.
Toad; A choad of toads.
|
|
a. What Most People Think
b. Verbungled-Out Magic 8-Ball
c.Your Mom loves my cock. Don't tell her I said so though. |
a.
the fact that rafael palmeiro batted three times last night with
the bases loaded and only managed 1RBI
b. BungleBallz (tm) Christmas Ornaments
c. A Plonk of spotted Dalpnops wheeled overhead; it was a sure
sign to Captain Bungle that a Swelid of Nompo swam nearby. Along
with his Yopnick of Frelmicks, who were skilled in the ways of the
Dalpnop (one had extracted a live Nompo from the belly of a
freshly shot Dalpop) the captain was sure, this time, he was to
capture the elusive larval Nompo and keep it alive in his newly
constructed tank.
|
a.
Advancing my career
b. The Michaleangelo's David Boxer Shorts
c. Mounds of Monkeys |
a.
Christmas
b. Mesh baseball cap sans anus (sorry, the hats they sell
are pretty lame)
c. squirrel, a whole shitload of squirrels |
a. Shaved Beavers
b. Extra Mega Large 'Bungle Logo Condoms
c. A "LOT" of Beaver |
a. Major League Baseball
b. A shirt without an asshole on it (point
taken)
c. Verbunglite Softball Player; Bunch of idiots |
#32 (5/27/04)
a. Kerry's wisest choice for a running mate
-or-
Underrated U.S. city:
b. A good book I should read now that I'm done with Ball Four:
c. Tell your most embarrassing puke story
-or-
Give a shout-out to somebody:
a. Jefferson
New Jersey.
All this just 35 minutes from New York City.
b.
Elements of Danger: Protect Yourself Against the Hazards of Modern
Dentistry
c. Sendin out propers for
The Singing NUN! |
a.
Tampa
b. 'Individual Income taxes' by Hoffman, 1992
c. To all my peeps from cell block C
|
|
a. Cleveland
b. Microserfs
c. me and my mates had been drinking pretty hard at a beach bar on
the jersey shore. As often happens down there once last call rolls
around, is someone gets the idea to drive down to Atlantic City.
So we started rallying and I was leading the charge.
We got out to the parking lot, and into my friends nissan sentra
2-door, the kind with the windows in the back that dont roll down,
they just pop open sideways for ventilation. anyway i was in the
back seat and once we started moving, my cookies started shaking.
i think by the time we pulled out of the parking lot and onto the
street, i had to boot, so i thought i could open the little vent
window and spew out of that. i literally got vomit everywhere and
almost caused a domino effect among the other passengers.
by this point we were barely two blocks from the bar, so we just
went back to the house we were staying at and crashed. i passed
out and the owner of the car got madder and madder about what i
had done to his car. he actually tried to wake me up about 2 hours
into my crash and demand i go out and clean the mess. i promised
to do it as soon as i woke up that morning, and i did.
i still havent heard the end of it. |
a.
Edwards; Philly
b. Tom Nut Pussy Cock Sawyer
c. somewhere there is a picture of me hugging the toilet in
buckham hall at uvm, circa 1988, wearing a run dmc / beastie boys
'together forever' concert t-shirt. i believe the story
surrounding the incident involved the drinking of lots of alcohol.
and i would like to give a mad shout to the
girl to left the orange puke blob in that same stall a few weeks
later because that shit was inhuman. |
a.
Hillary
b. Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
c. Yacked all over an airplane just before departing. |
a.
Chicago
b. The Umpire Strikes Back by Ron Luciano
c. Big ups to Shrek |
|
c. I'd like ta give a "shout out" to all the
ladies in da house... most embarassing puke story took place at
fire island about six years ago... as was typical in those days, i
was shoveling cocaine in my face with alarming regularity. i also
had not seen my high school classmates in many, many years prior.
most of them had matured, married, bought homes, had children,
stable careers, etc., and I was still running around like a savage
pounding vodka, firing rounds of cocaine up my nose... on the way
to the bar, stumbling and trying to get myself a good "keyhit," i
puked up some brown mess on my white polo button up shirt... i
just "folded" my shirt in some fucked up manner, trying to diguise
the bile stains as i carried onward. as it turns out, i ran into
many old high school friends and they cornered me for
conversation. as they relayed their lives to me, i stood there
nodding, anxiously smiling, sweating like a banshee, smelly and
stained. i don't think they were impressed with my progress and i
pretty much have avoided contact with any of them since then. |
a. Mahatma Gandhi
b. Me Talk Pretty One Day (David Sedaris) (read it and loved
it-Ed.)
c. Word to the busdrivers on the Z4, Z8, 28A, 28B, & 3B lines. |
a. Jessica Simpson's tits
b. Jessica Simpson's ass
c. Jessica Simpson's vagina. |
#31 (5/30/04)
a. Something you borrowed from somebody and never
returned (or something somebody borrowed from YOU and never returned):
b. A healthy and satisfying snack that I should try
-or-
The first thing you'd ask for after emerging from a 15 year coma:
c. What you'll be doing this Memorial Day, and what you'd like to be doing
(if different)
-or-
Your own made-up piece of grunge slang, and a brief definition and/or
example of its use:
a. A Material
Issue CD that may have prompted this new challenge
b. a cold, frosty beer or a cold Frosty from Wendy's
c. "Works with Animals": someone with bad teeth.
Ever notice on those animal/nature shows that the animal experts
have really bad teeth? |
a.
all kindsza shit in each direction probably
b. jamba juice banana berry smoothie, medium; "can i get a jamba
juice banana berry smoothie, medium over here, please?"
c. Courtney., verb: To wave your breasts in somebody's face then
smash their cranium with a microphone stand.
|
|
a. virginity
b. Where's the bathroom?
c. Nothing special. Something special. |
a. I borrow
sweaters from my dad and don't return them all the time
b. I would ask for a hummer from the (female) nurse
c.
1) I will be working this memorial day.
2) Clock Blockers - Anyone who has a 9-5 or wears a suit to work. |
a.
my neighbor loaned me two wood working clips and i never gave them
back. My friend gets his hands on my dugout all the time and it
always takes a while to get it back.
b. 8th Continent Light Soymilk- Chocolate flavor. The stuff tastes
as good as yoo-hoo and has less calories and sugars. it might not
be a snack, but it's an excellent chocolate fix for the sweet
tooth.
c. Standing on the edge of middle America- and looking west. With
wal-marts and applebees as far as the eye can see |
a.
a cigarette
b. ambien
c. WEEN! |
a.
Kim Fisher borrowed my Grease II Soundtrack in 1983... never seen
it since!
b. Cheddar Cheese topped with Peanut Butter -- discovered in a
moment of desperation while on Atkins
c.
"That is just pants"
In England 'pants' mean underwear. Said if a if a situation or
person sucks. (sorry not really my invention) or Chillaxation!
Again no credit for me. I overheard my ‘son’ saying this to his
friends about meeting up at the pub for a bit of needed
chillaxation. |
a. "Laughing Matters," by Gene Shalit
b. an Odwalla Superfood bar
c. Working for the Man/Being the Man |
#30 (5/27/04)
a. Something completely uncool that you like:
b. Something theoretically cool as hell that you've never been able to get
into:
c. A tattoo you have and/or one you'd like to have (including location)
-or-
Something illegal that shouldn't be, and something legal that shouldn't
be:
a. Debbie
Gibson's "Only in my Dreams"
b. Getting laid on the regular by an unending string of beautiful,
non-committal women
c. The word "funk" on my shoulder. I'm looking for the right
lettering. |
a.
TBS
b. exclaiming Boo-YA!!
c. I would like one on my sandbar that reads "exit only"
|
|
a. wearing pantyhose
c.
1) what happened wit the chick in cape cod? (Nothing.
We
saw each other once like two days later, exchanged a few awkward
bits of conversation, then went our separate ways. 19 years
later, I was at a party at my friend "Jason's" house and she was
there. A third friend, who doesn't even really know Jason,
attended the party with me. He just happened to have gone to
graduate school with the girl, and struck up a conversation with
her with me standing right in between them. She didn't
recognize me --maybe because I wasn't wearing my David Rivers
jersey, perhaps more likely because I've put on a good 30 pounds
o' muscle since then. Finally, the third friend introduced
me by name, and her eyes got as big as dinner plates. We
both kind of blushed and went, "Oh...yeah...we've...met." It
was priceless moment of recognition. -Brad)
2)
Did you hit a home run? (Nope. More of a bloop double.)
3)
Have you ever read Forever by Judy Blume? (Just the good parts) |
a. al gore
b. snowboarding
c. i'd like to have a tattoo of a pussy cock balls on my scrote
ballzack nuts. |
a.
boy george
b. eating peaches
c. shitze films |
a.
Garrison Keelor.
b. Reality (?) TV. Online Chat.
c. I have 3 custom tats. They reflect my Taurus Zodiac sign. |
a.
Air Supply
b. Drinking Beer
c. Smoking Pot and Prostitution are illegal and shouldn't be.
Having a President with ties to the Oil Industry who allows fuel
prices to skyrocket on his watch is legal and shouldn't be. Home
Runs over the fence at Walker Park is probably a close second! |
a.
everything i'm into is cool
b. red bull
c. i'd like to tattoo my penis so it really looked like a mushroom
from the forest with green grass tattooed on my lower
abdomen/pubic area. thanks |
a.
the mclaughlin group
b. go-peds (i even have two of them!)
c. marijuana
i hate to say it, but being a stripper before turning 21. i
noticed it at a bachelor party this weekend. legally an 18 year
old girl can walk naked around a bar full of drunk horny guys, but
she can't do a shot. |
#29 (5/23/04)
a. Person or thing whose enduring appeal absolutely baffles you:
b. A page on verbungle.com that you'd like to see updated more often, and
one you'd like to see removed altogether:
c. Three reasons you make an excellent roommate
-or-
A charity that needs to exist (it can be an actual existing one if you're
too tired to make one up):
a. Anne Heche,
Jay Leno, Dr. Phil are all worthy choices
b. Learning Center
c.
1. I like to do dishes
2. I share my porn
3. I make an excellent date for their sister |
a.
Donald trump
c. i always liked 'ask johnny.'
c. National Pussycockcuntflaplipshit Foundation
|
a. bill clinton
b. any type of photography page (possibly from the readers)-- the
ones that havent been updated since i started visiting
c. a charity that buys body armor for soldiers in iraq |
a.
Person: LL Cool J. Thing: capitalism
b. I miss the guess the song lyric thing
c. 1. I cook well.
2. I have lots and lots of music.
3. I have no problem with you walking around the house naked.*
* (Depends on roommate) |
a.
weird al yanker
b. candid photo of babe of the day off the street
c.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/040521 |
a.
Regis!!!!!!
b. more bathroom stories.
c. I never leave anything hanging around in the toilet |
a.
Harry Ballsensak
b. guess the cock
c. My large dvd porno collection |
a.
Don Imus
b. Update "Lists," remove "Trivia"
c.
1. I have a large, diverse CD collection.
2. I quit smoking.
3. I don't ever cook cabbage. |
a.
Lenny Kravitz. Is there a bigger hack in all of rock?
b. I love "My Little Day." More please. Bards of Bungle: Weak.
c. Hookers Without Borders |
a.
Splonky the WonderMouse
b.
http://cgi.bin.demandstream.verbungle.com/?=teens.mpg
c.
1) i'm rich
2) i'm mellow
3) i'm rational
and one reason why i'll never have a roommate again:
see #1. |
a.
Republicans
b. Update Learning Center more often, later for Ethics
c.
1) I don't piss in the shower (often).
2) I like to keep the fridge stocked with good beer.
3) I make a good omelette. |
#28 (5/20/04)
a. Someone who we might think is dead but isn't
-or-
Something you swore you'd stop doing, and then stopped doing:
b. A cheesy pop culture milestone for your generation which you somehow
failed to take part in (i.e. never quoted/saw "Fletch"):
c. A pivotal choice you made and later regretted
-or-
Give yourself a nice epitaph (please use fake name, you may include
information about how death occurred if you so choose):
a. nail biting
b. saved by the bell
c.
Here lies Jimmy Wilson.
You Shoulda Seen Him Dance.
He's Waving His Dick in Heaven. |
a. Ryan
Seacrest
b. Never took any crack!
c. May he rest in Peace- Whatever |
a.
Visiting strip clubs.
b. Never saw "Kentucky Fried Movie". Although I quote it often.
c.
MISUNDERSTOOD
Poor Bastard.
He Never Got It.
Poor Bastard.
He Died Trying to Explain Himself.
Everytime he opened his mouth it was just Gas On The Fire.
But Now He's Gone,
We Wondered daily whether we were in the Presence Of GENIUS or
LUNATIC....
Poor Bastard.
We're Fairly Sure he was nuts.
Poor Bastard......
Now He's getting the answer.
And we're still here,
Wondering.
|
a. I haven't had a
cigarette since New Year's Eve. Thank you. Thank you very much.
b. I've never seen a single episode of "Friends."
c. I really regret not spending my junior year in college abroad. |
a.
Bush
b. flashdance
c. I once chose to drink a large quantity of tequila. This was
regretful. |
a.
Jack Klugman is alive. I had to check though, after Tony Randall
died.
b. I've never done the macarena.
c. Ordering an 8th vodka-soda last night was the wrong choice. |
a.
Smoking the cigarettes
b. Kentucky-Duke. I missed it.
c. I chose to get shit grades in college. That was dumb. |
a.
Defecating in the woods or on tigers
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_215916.html
b. Never had sex in – or snorted coke off of – a toilet in a
leather or S&M fisting bar; actually never tried coke or fisting
either.
c. Masturbating using toothpaste as a lubricant |
a.
Oooh. I was gonna say Tony Randall!
b. American Idol
c. Became a vegetarian during college in the early 90s. Regretted
when my college budget couldn't handle more than the 49 cent
cheeseburgers at McDees. I've long since stopped with that
foolishnesh. |
a.
I swore I'd stop putting my big balls in your cock pussy.
b. The time cock pussy Fletch make the balls pussy cock sequel.
c. The time I balled up my cock pussy and threw it in the cunt
garbage nuts can. |
a.
Was that Ambrose on Sunday?
b. Star Trek movies
c. He was a lost soul but found himself here |
a.
self fellatiating
b. parachute pants
c. cocks, tits, pussies |
#27 (5/16/04)
a. A delicious meat, meat product, or meat dish:
b. Product you'd like to see removed from the marketplace immediately:
c. Sexy thing you've always wanted to do but haven't yet
-or-
Your three favorite inventions of the 1900's:
a. horse schlong
b. rubbers made out of lamb
c. stick finger in the other hole while plowing the one that shit
don't come out, followed by a double dip session, if you know what
i mean. (No, please elaborate. -Ed.) |
a. Lamb Chops
on the grill. season lightly with vinegar salt and pepper. Eat
with hands.
b. Atkins Diet. GONE. VAMANOS. If I have to hear another lecture
about "CARBS" Im going to tie you to a post and forcefeed you
wonderbread and Krispy Kreemes while intraveinously administering
Guinness Lager into your fucking blood stream you lard ass.......
c. Rent a room at a "Fuck Palace" and spend the weekend
experimenting with stuff. |
a.
Hot dogs
b. Jell-o sucks cock. I hate that shit.
c. Inventions:
1) Where in fuck would we be without Gatorade?
2) Air conditioning. That shit is more important than just about
anything in the world.
3) Cipro.
|
a. hot dog
b. cigarettes and we should also get rid of Abercrombie and
Fitch-the worst store out there
c. hot steamy sex in an elevator and hot steamy sex in an elevator
with Liz Phair |
a.
breakfast sausage
b. baby genius
c. get a hummer at a ball game or concert and have them put it on
the jumbo tron |
a.
Lucky Dogs (Naw-Leans)
b. Lucky Dogs (Naw-Leans)
c.
-The Thong
- Tube Top Sunday (as in "today's a tube top sunday" - heard from
a PYT exiting a wrigleyville apt. sunday afternoon - apparently
heading to the cubs 15 inning / rain delayed extravaganza)
- 1989's Tecmo Super Bowl |
a.
Yakloaf
b. The ScroteClamp (tm)
c. Wear really nice, expensive clothes. |
a.
vienna sausages in a can, dinty moore beef stew
b. life like partners- the plastic kind
c.
-pocket flashlights-the adult kind
-life like partners that can move a little bit- the adult kind
-internet |
a.
meat lovers penis
b. beggin' strips
c.
-world wide web
-.mp3
-parabolic skis |
a.
buffalo testes
b. cigarettes and alcohol
c. play horsie with my partner as seen on a recent real sex
episode. my partner would groom me and treat me like a horse and i
would whinny and neigh and ride him around with a special saddle
on. |
a.
meatballs, bacon, burgers, steak... yum
b. douches
c. double team me! |
a.
oscar meyer
b. v8 the vegetable drink-commercial where dancing black man
becomes white school teacher-total BS
c. cold cuts |
#26 (5/11/04)
a. Piece of obsolete slang you'd like to bring back:
b. A lame-ass tourist destination that really doesn't need to be visited:
c. Three things that any self-respecting, hooky-playing 17 year-old should
try instead of seeing "Lord of the Rings" (all the better if you've
actually tried them yourself):
a. Get off the bra strap
b. Mt. Rushmore. That shit is so weak.
c.
1. Score some dope in the South Bronx.
2. Meet up with a housewife for a lunchtime tryst.
3. Volunteer at a soup kitchen |
a. "Groovy"
"Far Out" "Daddy-o"
b. South Of The Border, South Carolina.
c. Seeing "Lord Of The Cock-Rings" |
a.
damn, you are bitmappin like a mufuck
b. sex museum in hamburg --- laaaaame.
c.
- blow up the school
- eat a pot brownie
- sit around in a panic you'll get caught waiting for your friend
to pick up in his mom's ford tempo, which is out of gas
|
a. what a country
( said in a russien accent)
b. flash dancers
c.
1. blow
2. pot and cigarettes and drinking
3. hooking ( when they're 18) |
a.
Pinko
b. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - or anywhere else in Ohio
c.
-17 year old girls should be hooking up with older men (or women)
- that's so hot!
-Smoking eggplant joints under the railroad trestle. (From my
favorite "James at Fifteen" episode)
-Goin to the ole fishin hole |
a.
suck my wang
b. : mars and any other planet where you could potentially implode
c.
-practice on carrots
-practice on properly cleaned door knobs
-practice on bomb pops |
a.
Bend an elbow - have a drink. "He's been known to bend an elbow
with the boys."
b. EPCOT
c. These things we hold self evident:
1. Smoke a joint.
2. Drink some of dad's Scotch.
3. Do your damndest to get laid. |
a.
not
b. how come there's never been a black president?
c. learning how to do crazy flexible shit on the balance
beam/working out her bod til it's hard/more gymnastics related
workouts/increase flexibility |
a.
Hangin' on the flippity flop (http://www.411mania.com/music/features/article.php?features_id=91
- then search for the phrase)
b. Dumpsville, population: you.
c.
1. Balls in ass.
2. Giant tittays covered in apricot preserves.
3. Donkeyfuckers unite. |
a.
tallywhacker
b. the house where the man with the 20" penis lived
c.
-study
-be a big sister to kids lacking mentors
-tagging public property |
a.
Top fit, Jenkins - You've really thrashed that Roundball!
b. http://maps.verbungle.com/?queryID="chelsea+dude+ranch"
c.
-try to fart a bubblegum bubble
-smoke weeeeeed
-get some pussy for chrissake |
a.
bees knees
b. times square
c.
-stealing liquor
-visiting a 'massage parlour'
-'shroomin |
| a. I
Say, Are There Any Sporting Women in This Towne? |
a.
I'm hep.
b. The Home of The Pony League World Series
c.
-Boozin'
-Smokin'
-Stealin' Cars |
a.
cooter
b. mall of america
c.
-learn to do the splitz
-get a part time job in chinatown making sneakers
-go to college campuses and act older/try to meet people |
#25 (5/6/04)
a. Favorite real or imagined Gatorade Flavor:
b. Two things that go together:
c. Your town, and three things that are special about it:
a. Raspberry Ramble (market toward gay hikers who like anonymous
sex in the park)
b. the cack and the coochie
c. DC
- we got anti-ballistic missile batteries downtown
- we got the fox and hounds
- we got mad wonks |
a. Halle
Berry
b. Tequila and Regret
c. Chicago
- the bleachers
- ravens late night
- a warm potbelly sub |
a.
peripatetic guava
b. nervous hands and corduroy
c. Los Angeles
-Trucks that serve brain tacos at 4AM
-A street named after Merve Griffin
-Oh, and mad props to the West Siyeeeed!!!!!!
|
a. Cran-Crapwater
b.: The Taliban and the Taliban's Mom's Apple Pie
c. you bastard
-you never post anymore
-b.a.s.t.a.r.d.o.
-el bastardicus |
a. Watermelon was
clearly the best. It got colder than the others.
b. chocolate and peanut butter
c. New York City
1) A little softball field in the West Village
2) the Empire State Building
3) Gray's Papaya |
a.
ERECTO (see below)
b. penis/vagina
c. i think they should make a post coitus drink that could take
the place of the cliche cigarette. maybe they could put some
nicotine in it too along with the standard replenishers. they
could also make other versions for those who like to keep going
for more than one O - they could call it erecto. they could also
claim it that it may help those with erectile dysfunction which
would also help rake it in. |
a.
Strawberry Labia Blast.
b. Bush and Clippers.
c. Catonsville Md.
1) Lots of Guitar Shops.
2) Nationally ranked highschool, academically and athletically.
3) Iampieris (Ahm-PEE-air-ee's) Bar. |
a.
Authentic Michael Jordan Ball Sweat Flavor (Xtreme)
b. sunny days and personal days
c. NYC
the Ladies
the Bars
the Teams |
a.
"frost" -- always wondered what it would taste like. I was tired of
getting my tounge suck on th side of the freezer
b. 36c's and me
c. Brooklyn
1) never having to get a dwi
2) the fact that my friends can no longer afford to live in the
hood
3) It's the Planet |
a.
chocolate
b. my dark green J crew shirt and my polo dungarees
c. Allentown
1.the nice adult book store with well maintained booths in back
2.the liquor store w/ dime bags of black ganja for sale in back
3.the nice gunshop w/ a firing range in back
4. A very good para-military organization called the APM(Allentown
People's Militia), in my town there wouldn't be any of that Red
Dawn bullshit going on- the APM would see to that. |
a.
chocolate
b. chocolate and cream
c. my hometown
* one square mile
* the local democrats are the rich conservatives and the
republicans are the poor liberals. |
#24 (5/1/04)
a. Something you have a weakness for:
b. A pleasure of adulthood (e.g. drinking a Bud after work):
c. A near-absolute life truth you've learned over the years (e.g. always
bet on the little guy in a street fight):
a. Im going to ignore the obvious stuff here, and say, My
Daughter's pout always trumps my disciplinarianistic iron fistical
rule over my house.
b. Being able to fart at the dinner table and be applauded instead
of flogged.
c. Assume that people will behave badly. You will never be
disapointed. |
a. cocaine
b. cocaine
c. cocaine |
a.
The song "Roses Are Free" by Ween. After listening to it regularly
for almost ten years now I've come to realize I may never get sick
of it.
b. When the time and place are just right, one ice cold vodka
martini.
c. Regret is for suckers. Oh, and hell is for children.
|
a. poke reyibs
b. slapping nuts against cold window
c. never put your nuts on a frozen lightpost - you won't get your
scrote back till spring |
a. Pussy.
b. Pussy.
c. Pussy. |
a.
Kellogs complete bran flakes
b. Being able to vote for Kerry and getting Bush out of office
c. Nice guys finish last |
a.
cheese
b. Coca-Cola before Noon
c. Egg Nog is always disgusting, no matter how much you think that
maybe this year you'll finally like it. That shit is just plain
nasty. |
a.
http://weather.verbungle.com/=?zip10021.php
b. not givin a fuck no-how
c.
hey verbungle man,
fucking post already. we can't do the whole site for yo ass.
bitch.
google some shit or something. |
a.
relaxation
b. an undisturbed nap
c. Murphy's law while we are in a mercury retrograde. (as told by
an astrology friend) |
a.
High quality marijuana.
b. Not playing golf.
c. TV is bad for you. |
#23 (4/26/04)
a. Phil Collins or Billy Joel song that's really not so
bad:
b. Something that made you cry:
c. Elaborate or simple plan you would employ in order to see the roommate
who you have a big crush on naked
-or-
What we should tell those dickhead soccer players if they try to step onto
our softball field even a moment before 9pm:
a. Isn't there one where Phil gives Bill "the Collins"?
b. When the Pirates beat the O's in 79. Reading about soldiers'
funerals buried in the Metro section sometimes makes me v. sad
too.
c. on the roommate: just ask. it's probably mutual. and you might
be able to cop a boobie feel. but make sure you leave a suitable
out or you'll be looking for a new apt.
on the soccer/salfball: be polite. tell them you understand how
they're excited to play the sport they love, as you are to play
the sport you love.
tell them, "please, don't interrupt our game and we'll make sure
to vacate the field promptly" - probably in the time it takes for
them to set up the goals and warm up.
if that doesn't work, contact the parks people and have them
suggest a way forward - maybe they should reschedule the games so
there's a 15-minute window between their start and your finish.
but don't get rough because seriously the last thing you fat pussy
toads need is a bunch of cleat marks in your ass. |
a. "Take Me
Home"-Phil/"Worse Come to Worst"-BJ ("I got a thumb and she's a
son of a bitch"-His only good lyric ever)
b. The Wonder Years episode where Kevin goes looking for Winnie
and finds her in the woods and there is a flashback to all their
wonderful times together to the sound of Judy Collins singing "In
My Life." I swear to god, that shit made me bawl.
c. We should just find Danny Perry and set him loose on them. He
would start by saying, "Do you know me? I don't think you have any
idea who you're messing with." Then he would crush them, body and
soul before they even knew what had happened. (Danny Perry was
a fine athlete and accomplished tough guy who had his heyday in
the early 1980's -- Ed.) |
a.
sussido
b. when forest saw his son, and was worried that he was slow
c. i came up with an idea that the bathroom needed to be
renovated. i told the roommate that i could get it done in a
weekend and that if she went away, she'd come home to a new
bathroom.
to do said renovation, i had to take off the bathroom door and
needless to say, when she got home the bathroom wasn't done, but
the shower was done and i still haven't put the door back on the
bathroom.
i can pretty much see her naked now every time she takes a shower.
|
a. summer highland
falls
b. my wedding & birth of my child were both extremely stirring
moments
c. "in the tradition of paper-rocks-scissors...let us remind you
that bats beat soccer balls" |
| c. billy joel
story: when my and my bro were little kids we were at the beach
one year and we got in an argument over just what the hell billy
joel was saying in the chorus of "only the good die young."
neither of us knew that he was actually saying "only the good die
young." but i don't remember what our conjectures were. anyway, so
we went and asked our father, who took our question to mean we
were curious about sex, since the song is about some dood trying
to get some virgin to put out. we ended up getting the talk, when
all we wanted was the lyric. swear it's 100 percent true. |
a.
isn't this like asking method of death that's not so horrible:
being shot in the stomach or burned alive?
b. watching the F train on the el...for whatever reason
c. sneak into the bathroom while said roommate is in the shower
and then remove all possible methods they might employ to cover
up, including toilet paper. listen carefully and just happen to be
passing by the door when they are attempting to make a run for
their room. just a thought... |
a.
"Man on the Corner" - Genesis
b. George Brett's home run off Gossage sinking the Yanks in 1980
c. What we really need is a behavior modification tool to really
train these soccer-playing motherfuckers not to set foot on our
field until 9:00 PM. The following should do quite nicely:
http://radiofence.com/dog_fence_stubborn.htm
Of course, we're gonna have a hard time getting the collars on all
of them, but I'm thinking that all we need is one. If all the
other bozos see one of their own set foot on our field
prematurely, and then see his body convulse with the power of pure
electricity pumping through it, then the others might not be so
quick to prance around. Worth a try. |
a.
Turn It On Again (I know - Genesis)
b. the 1st time I saw "It's a Wonderful Life"
c. "No goal! Not one! No goal. At this time. No goal! Get off! Get
the fuck off!" |
a.
Susudio
b. Blue Jays 15 -Orioles 3
c. "Hey you dickhead soccer players, You may have bigger balls,
but WE have METAL BATS." |
a.
You make this question too easy - there are so many that aren't
"so bad." first that come to mind are "take me home" by phil
collins and "vienna" by billy joel (must admit I like "Vienna"
- Ed.)
b. babe (the pig movie)
c. step the fuck off, man.
(that was for the second option) |
#22 (4/23/04)
a.Three humans who you'd like to see replace Brokaw
(instead of doucheboy Brian Williams):
b. Country the USA should invade next and why:
c. Subject matter that should have its own Hall of Fame and who/what you'd
put in it
-or-
Cultish Organization that scares you and why:
a. Howard Stern. "Before we get to the news, lit's look at some
tits...."
b. Alabama or Mississippi. Inbreeding scares me more than Al Qaida
c. That gay ass pseudo-christian rock band that has like 25 dorks
wearing white robes whose music sounds like it was written by Sid
and Marty Kroft for the "Bugaloos". God I hate them. |
a. Prince,
Jon Stewart, Al Franken
b. Canada...Blame Canada!
c. Republican Party, looking a little too much like a
fundamentalist religious group, these last four years... |
a.
Ray Saurez, Margaret Warner or Kwame Holman
b. Cuba would be the perfect 51st State
c. Overrated Musician Hall of Fame
Britney Spears
James Taylor
Norah Jones
The Beatles
The Who
The Pixies
(to qualify you must be at least as overrated as you are popular.
like we don't need to bother with the Poisons and the Cinderellas
because clearly their popularity was limited.)
|
a. Bel, Biv and
Devoe
b. Turks and Caicos, and I think you know damn well why.
c. The Verbungle readership frightens me a little. More than a
little. |
a. i don't give a
fuck... me, my momma, and your sister's cousin
b. our own damn country... lots of shit goin down right here
c. mormons-- you should already know why. |
a.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer. (Why three?)
b. Canada. You can smoke pot up there and they've got affordable
healthcare. They obviously hate freedom and we can't let that
stand.
c. A rock and roll hall of fame, into which I'd induct Bob Seger
and Aerosmith. What? You say such a thing already exists? You're
kidding, right? I was just fucking around. |
a.
Darryl Strawberry, Don Mattingly, and Bill Zimmerman
b. Vietnam - the U.S. needs an easy win
c. The Incredibly Public Fuck-Up Hall of Fame
- the time the Stanford marching band went on the field during the
final kickoff of a game
- Joe Niekro getting caught with an emory board
- Gary Hart daring reporters to follow him
- James Watt bragging about his staff |
a.
Carl Lewis, Captain Lou Albano, ALF
b. Texas
c. Hall of Fame for Best Childhood Toys/Games:
- Dark Tower
- Stretch Armstrong
- Mattel Football
- Atari 2600 |
a.
dennis miller
b. the south: putting your pecker in a young sheeps mouth is
wrong-knowing the proper way to fcuk a sheep is wrong
c. fans of morrissey (former lead singer of the smiths) |
#21 (4/19/04)
a. A nickname you've had at one time or another (if
applicable), and one you'd like to have:
b. How many pushups you can do
-and/or-
Your career record in fistfights/brawls, etc.:
c. The story of a fistfight, brawl, etc. you've been in
-or-
Your favorite real or wished-for museum:
a.
Pete North (I resemble him in the cack department)
b. fistfight record: 2-2-1 (with no overtime losses)
c.
i like the prado in madrid
one time i got berzerk on this fat bully named david geisler in
elementary school. he had me in size but i had him on the
righteous anger tip. but in retrospect, i'm sure this kid had
serious emotional problems and i hope he got some help. |
a. I hate
nick names. But if I had to have one Id choose "Skip",
no.........."Chip".......Yeah "Chip' is good.
b. 25-50 pushups depending who's under me. Lifetime
record:2-5........not counting sibling rivalry.
c.
My favorite museum is that space ball in NYC where Tom Hanks does
all the narration and they blow your ass up and you fly around the
galaxy and shit. |
a.
Once called: D-Nice/Want to be called: the Punisher
b. Record: 0-0-4
c. I would like a museum of toys from the mid 1970's through 1984.
|
a. Common
Nicknames: Asshole, Heartless Bitch, Wench, Mother Fucker. What
should be: Master, Princess, Great One
b. Fuck pushups, they're for suckers.
c.
:-0 ;-) :-))
http://www.goodvibes.com/cgi-bin/sgdynamo.exe?HTNAME=museum/index.html |
a. A
friend of mine in elementary school called me "Spidey," which
stems from "Spiderman," which comes from "Webslinger," which comes
from "Web," which stems from "Weber," which is my name. I hated it
at the time, but now I think it's kinda cool.
b. I just did 21 pushups, and that's without steroids. Despite my
obvious massive strength, I don't think I've ever won a fistfight,
except those against my little brother before he turned 12. I'm
usually pretty good at talking my way to the edge of, and then out
of, bar fights.
c. A couple of years ago I read that they were gonna build the Hip
Hop Hall of Fame in Money Earnin' Mount Vernon. I wonder whatever
happened to that plan. I once went to the Country Music Hall of
Fame in Nashville, which is a pretty impressive place, despite the
fact that (I swear) they have Billy Ray Cyrus' tank top in a glass
case. Also, the sex museum in Amsterdam is way overrated. |
a.
That Guy with the Huge Cock
b. 25, maybe even more
c. When I was in first grade, I was in a playground with a bunch
of my friends playing touch football (Nerf). Two other kids wanted
to play, and we wouldn't let them. We were being asses. So one of
the two offered to fight one of the guys who wouldn't let them
play (not me, honest). In preparation, this kid said to his buddy,
"Sammy, hold my jacket." I always liked that. No fight ensued. He
would have killed us all. |
a.
Mister Big Daddy Shit Taker
b. 32-4-1. No wait, that's Smokin' Joe Frazier's record.
c. Museum of Tits |
#20 (3/31/04)
a. Most serious medical procedure you've undergone:
b. A subject you know a shitload about (don't be modest):
c. The worst job you ever had, your salary on said job, and the worst part
of said job
-or-
Three reasons you're glad to be married/unmarried or wish you were:
a. Nose Job
b. Box office grosses and Liz Phair
c. Why i wish i was married:
1)Unlimited sex
2)Creating a demon child
3)Having a best friend |
a. blood
transfusion
b. I don't know shit about shit.
c.
1. Can take dump without worrying about the smell.
2. Can take long dump without concern for time spent on toilet.
3. Can fart freely. |
a. penis
reduction surgery
b. Transatlantic oceanliners
c.
1. Get laid very regularly (I believe the unmarried world calls it
'sexual assault')
2. Someone else pays half the rent
3. Good friend a lawyer = divorce only a phone call away
|
a. Three
tympanoplasties, two mastoidectomies and one right temporal
craniotomy. But I've never had a cavity.
b. Rock music -- the history and state of, not how to play it.
c. In 8th grade my friend Steve and I were hired by some rich dude
his family knew to dig a hole for his new satellite dish. This was
1984 when dishes were the size of hottubs. I guess it required
some kind of mount that had to be buried in the ground. Anyway, we
were instructed to dig a hole 6x6x6 feet. If you've ever wielded a
shovel you know digging that kind of hole would be pretty labor
intensive for John Henry, let alone for two scrawny pre-pubescent
dorks with arms the size of string beans. We dug and dug and dug
but we mostly farted around and talked about girls and whether or
not the Hoodoo Gurus sucked or not. After about five hours we had
a shallow six-foot-long trench about deep enough to bury Ichabod
Crane in. It was a pretty pathetic sight and the look on the guy's
face when he came out to inspect our day's work pretty much said
it all: "Well THAT was a waste of time." I think we got paid like
40 bucks each.
Richard Marx has said the worst job in the world is making music
videos. I'd say that title goes to the guy who had to mop out the
buddy booths at the Male Box in Times Square. But hole diggin' has
to be pretty high on the list. |
a. 4 Stitches
between my pinky and second toe on my right foot. EXCRUCIATING.
b. Various methods of eliminating credit card debt.
c.The worst gig I ever held down was as on the night cleaning
shift at a major hotel chain. Midnight to 9am. $4.50 an hour. Once
or twice a week Id get called in to clean up the bathroom in the
lobby outside the hotel bar after some fuckhead blew their cookies
just before arriving in front of the toilet bowl. |
a.
tonsillectomy, and let me tell you, that shit hurt like a
motherfucker.
b. Federal Courts and Jurisdiction
c.
Receptionist/mailroom clerk for a fledgling cable network now
broadcast in several homes across the nation.
Salary: started at $15,000 for the privilege.
Worst part of said job (actually 2):
-My supervisor was a crack addict. Actually I'm lying, it was
crack AND heroin. When I would work at reception answering phones
(by the way, that shit can get hectic), she would bring in her
adopted (kidnapped?) kids and ask me and my coworker to keep an
eye on them UNDER THE FRONT RECEPTION DESK. Occasionally I would
go to answer the phone and it would jerk out of reach. That
freaked me out until I realized it was just 'cuz there were little
kids under the desk. Then THAT freaked me out.
-One day the same supervisor asked if she could borrow my piss.
Best part:
-After being promoted, life got much better. So much so, that I
was able to stand on my chair and squawk like a chicken in the
middle of a busy workday without getting in trouble. No one even
cared. If you haven't tried this at work, I highly recommend it. |
a. I passed a
kidney stone once. That shit sucked.
b. Early seventies funk music and White Shadow subplots (I know
that's two, but modesty be damned)
c. Immediately after graduating from college, I worked for the
Olan Mills Photography Studios' telemarketing department. They
used tremendous sales pressure to strong-arm old ladies and poor
families into buying "special photo package deals." The catch was
that the offers were only available that day, so unless the
customers said yes right away, they would miss out on the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for crappy, contrived family
portraits of their spouse or children or grand-children smiling
unconvincingly. My title was Pick-up Man. If the customer did not
have a credit card (or was quick-witted enough to lie about not
having one) they would need to be able to pay by cash or check.
That day. (This practice is now illegal but I think I'm
ex-post-facto safe.) I would be sent out within a few moments to
get their payment, with the hopes that the customers would remain
too intimidated or frazzled to change their mind by the time I got
there. Needless to say, I ended up buzzing on a lot of doorbells
that weren't answered. The catch for me was that on top of the $7
an hour they were paying me, I got one dollar extra for each
"successful mission." No compensation for miles driven or gas,
mind you; one dollar if I came back with the cash. Off I went,
driving upwards of twenty miles roundtrip for that golden dollar.
The worst part of said job was that after a week or so of doing
this (and feeling about as pathetic as the human spirit allows),
the manager decided that it wasn't okay that they were paying me
to sit around reading when there were no pick-ups, so I was
assigned the new additional title Clean Up and Taking out the
Trash Pathetic Fuck. No dollar given, no matter how many bags of
film I dragged out to the nauseating trash bins provided by the
Wendy's next door. |
a. i think i had my
adnoids removed when i was a kid. nothin' else really, i hope i
didn't just jinx myself
b. kurt vonnegut
c. i was a shelf stocker for a food broker.
You see, there are certain specialty products that grocery stores
only need limited quantities of. It doesn't make sense to buy
right from the company, so they buy from a broker. To sweeten the
deal the broker offers to have their own people stock the shelves,
that was me.
I think I was paid like $10 or $12 an hour, but you never really
knew how many hours it would take to do the job, because the
shipments always changed.
i think the worst part was having to take shit from 3 different
store managers. the worst day was a Saturday one time, in a jam
packed store, I dropped (and shattered) a case of balsamic vinegar
right in the middle of an aisle. i should have walked out of the
store right there, but I couldn't let myself be beaten by
something that happens to grocery store workers every day.
When that job ended, I swore to myself that I'd never set foot in
the back storeroom of a grocery store again. And I'm proud to say
that I've kept that promise going on 8 years. |
a. cock shortening
b. astronomy, grammar, the infanet
c.
pier one impotes
"hourly" salary barely paid for gas to and from woik
and this fat bitch named carrie used to ride my ass like a horse
in a saddle |
a. Birth (my own).
I don't remember it, but I'm sure that shit was fuckin hectic.
b. The "ass-sit," which is my relaxation/enlightenment method. It
involves sitting on one's ass for extended periods, and often
includes food & a TV.
c. Wish to be married to get:
1. constant dick
2. lower/shared expenses, aka, more cash money
3. a captive audience |
a. Penis
smallification
b. Pornography
c. I'm glad I'm single because:
1. I like fucking strange women.
2. A lot.
3. No, really. A lot. |
#19 (3/29/04) - Sorry if anybody's
answers got lost in my computer crash
a. Scientific process that you've never been able to
figure out, and therefore are still amazed by
-or-
How much you tip the pizza guy on a $12.79 bill (clear but chilly night,
approximately 8-minute one-way journey by bicycle, if any of that
matters):
b. What you typically wear to work
-or-
Something you'd like to see more photos of on verbungle.com:
c. Three things to look for in a mate, and one thing to avoid:
a. Receiving shit
by antenna. How on earth is that possible? The air is thick with
radio waves and I can't see that shit. How in fuck do they do
that?
b. biz casual, emphasis on the biz.
c. 3 things to look for:
- Smarts - they gotta be smart. Hopefully smarter than you,
because in all likelihood, you're a dumbass. You need a mate who
will look out for you and break it down.
- Good lookin' - Very important. You also need to think about how
s/he is gonna age. Remember, this is a mate, not a fling, so you
need to be able to at least try to persuade yourself that s/he
won't be a mess at age 50.
- Funny - Not funny to other people. Who gives a fuck about other
people? Funny to you. You'll be spending plenty of goddamn time
together, so s/he'd better be entertaining. Otherwise, you'll have
to start reading Mad Magazine. That would suck.
Avoid:
- The Cryer - If s/he bawls at the drop of a hat, get out. Now. |
a. the orgasm
b. flexible women in flesh toned body suits
c. low flexibility |
a. "Splitting"
Atoms.
b. Button down shirt. Slacks. Tie (optional) when I need to feel
powerful.
c.
1) Nice Teeth.
2) Nice Butt.
3) Crazier than me in bed.
One thing to avoid? People crazier than you in bed.
|
a. digestion-how
food turns to shite
b. undetectable clips on errajunice zones
c. money, not afraid to have a 3 some with stranger that is
healthy, good cook
-thoughts |
a. speakers
b. six pocket, double kneed tan carpenter pants, filthy 3 year old
sweatshirt, sweat band
c.
-rightly colored feathers
-loud mating call
-mastery of the mating dances
-weak nesting area |
a.
FUCK that reader who said put new shit up i like this shit
b. Kids and clowns holding hands
c.
-Hard , well proportioned body
-Let's me be a back door man
-Doesn't mind the grown man diaper changing fetish-she will change
my diaper in my special hand made adult size crib
-Stanky Bushes |
a. gravity is
pretty out there
b. panties / panties
c. i like to look for my penis in my mate |
a.hangovers
b. body parts and other oddities found on street
c.
1. big cock
2. hard cock
3. talks some, usually about cock
Avoid small cock. |
a. $3.21 or $2.21,
depending on my mood & cash flow
b. pin-stripe pants. button-down. sweater.
c.
Attractive Traits:
-Honest, Loyal, Kind, Straightforward, Communicative, Hot,
Naughty, Funny
To Avoid:
-Drama, Immaturity, Stupidity, Arrogance |
a. $2.21 (worth it
to get him the fuck away from me)
b. at least one photo of an actual 'verbungle'
c.
1. Cooking ability
2. An attractive mother
3. An address in another state
Avoid girls with outsized hands. |
a. The fax machine
b. jeans and shoes that don't collect much feces, if stepped in
(horse, dog, human)
c.
-good sense of humor,
-pleasing to the eye,
-good speller
-anyone who's dream date is a trip to the Red Lobster |
a. $4.21
b. Jeans, t shirt/ women, since it appears very few women
log onto the site.
c.1st of all mate means to be significant other:
1)has to be smarter than me
2)must deal with all my neurotic behavior
3)must be over 18
one thing to avoid:
any over-bearing right wing religious nuts
|
a. if I have a $20
I'll ask for five back.
b. daily pics of our fine city. there's much more out there than
regularly docume
c.
-2 arms
-2 legs
-2 boobies
(wait, that's 6 things)
avoid, at all costs, their spouse |
#18 (3/22/04)
a. Who will win the NCAA tourney/who you'd like to see
win it
-or-
What you'll be watching instead of that NCAA nonsense:
b. Underrated historical figure (with URL of accomplishments if available)
-or-
Favorite non-chocolate candy:
c. How you pick yourself up after you bottom out
-or-
Something that used to bother you, but now you accept as part of life's
bullshit:
| a. UVM; second consecutive (and
ever) trip to the Big Dance b. Grandmaster Flash. From
www.grandmasterflash.com:
"Along with his accomplishments as a worldwide entertainer, Bill
Gates has presented Flash with an award for being the first to use
the turntables as a musical instrument."
c. Capitalism |
| a. bad movies on upn b. Gil
Hodges -
http://www.baseball-reference.com/h/hodgegi01.shtml
c. don't get too high
don't get too low
keep it simple
keep it real |
a. utep
b. brother u. alfred
c. take a juicy afternoon nap |
| a. dont even know what day it is
on so i couldnt say with certainty what ill be watching instead.
most likely something from tivo b. jelly bellies
c. scraping noises- metal on metal, metal on concrete, etc... |
| a. TERPS b. Jolly Rancher
c. Bad Drivers. Once you realize that every one on the road is
psychotic it all makes sense. |
| a. OK State/Manhattan b. Green
Apple Jolly Ranchers
c. It really used to bother me that so many DVDs are
letterboxed, which although preserving more of the picture, tends
to also make that picture pretty damn small.
I now accept this as part of life's bullshit and realize that I
need for someone to give me the plasma tv.
Kozmo.com's demise really bothered me, but I now realize it was
their own fault (as well as the fault of those of you who didn't
use it more often to order a VCR, steak dinner, and a baby cat).
Plus, now we have the fresh direct, that shit is pretty good.
Finally, the NY Times' relentless pushing of the Women's NCAA
Tourney drives me nuts. Women's basketball sucks. Scientist proved
that shit. The Times needs to get off its high horse (for this and
other reasons) and stop force-feeding us women's basketball. It
tastes like prunes. |
| a. Connecticut, i would like to
see Texas Tech win c. Losing my hair---shit i havent accepted
that! hmmmmmm, you know what i have accepted--nice guys finish
last. |
| a. I'd rather watch my fingernails
grow. b. Skittles are good.
c. Hootie. |
| a. Georgia Tech b. nerds
c. drink, a lot |
#17 (3/14/04)
a. Gadget you covet:
b. New section that I should add in a desperate attempt to spice up
verbungle.com:
c. Firsthand supernatural experience, or at least something kinda weird
that happened to you that you can't explain
-or-
Where, how and with whom you'd spend your final days if you were given a
"six months to live" diagnosis tomorrow (kind of old and clichéd, but
we're in a lull, whaddaya want?):
| a. Taser gun to shock the shit of
punk asses b. Hobosexuals Column (a column on Hobo sex)
c. Opium Den |
| a. 50" plasma tv b. Verbungle at
nite section
c. If i was an uncaring bastard who didnt want to spend the
last days with my friends, family or my wife if i had one---i
would want to spend my last days with Liz Phair. Im assuming by
the way that even if i was dying i could still perform the 'art of
love'. where would i be, lets say Maui around Sept through
February, at a house on the beach with satellite TV, so i could
watch all the baseball playoffs, and football games live as
opposed to waiting for the 6 hour delay. |
b. Tales of Sex in the City
|
| a. iPod b. What ever happened to
the much anticipated *S*E*X* section?
c. I once communicated with a parrot. I was in a store and the
owner had the beautiful bird in a cage. I stared him in the eyes
for a few minutes and then would deliberately blink my eyes very
slowly.... and before long he would mimic me. If I blinked my eyes
twice, he did it. If I winked one eye, he did it. I swear to god.
The shit freaked me out but definitely made me a better person. I
think about it all the time. That's not supernatural but it was
pretty cool. |
| a. air force one b. expanded
softball boxscores (I like this, under serious consideration -
Ed.)
c. the world and everything in it is by definition 'natural,'
and nothing is 'supernatural' no matter what it happens to be. |
| a. binoculars with the built in
digital camera-- for my annual 4th of July mullet hunt in western
PA b. 'stories that your parents would not want you posting on a
website'
c. in 7th grade our social studies teacher was teaching us
about some african culture and he said that after someone dies,
they spend a year with the family in spirit, after one year, when
it's time to leave, they knock something down in the
house--something that shouldn't fall over on its own-- to let you
know they're leaving.
a couple of years later, my great grandmother died and about 1
year later (i couldnt remember the actual date of her death) the
shower curtain rod suddenly fell down in the middle of the night.
coincidence? i think not... |
| a. vibrator b. vibrators
c. At home, vibrating with a vibrator. |
| a. Multiple Input to Single Output
Adapter thingy for VCR,DVD,PS2 to Television b. Links to "Over
60" porn sites.
c. On a white sandy beach with Jennifer Anniston attempting
different angles of entry in order to conceive. |
| a. the plasma screen tv with the
hdtv b. player trading cards of softball players/ or verbungle
devotees
c. Driving to high school one day, I saw an accident on the
side of the road. There was an ambulance and the driver was
standing with a towel on his head, his trenchcoat drenched in
blood. I thought, wow, that poor son-of-a-bitch, my dad has a
trench coat like that. Then I thought, wow, my dad has a car that
looks a lot like that. You can guess the rest. Not in the least
bit supernatural, but still weird. Never expected to come across
my profusely bleeding father on the side of the highway.
Also, sometimes if I think really hard about a song I like
(even if it's pretty random), it will be on the radio within 5
minutes. I'm like Zeus. |
| a. Katie's iPod b. nude gallery
of Mrs. Verbungle
c. I would move to Ibiza and screw until it hurt. |
| a. power drill b. a reader's
choice post area for pics, stories and pointless ramblings
(seems more than reasonable, will get something going- Ed.)
c. I still believe people are inherently good. |
#16 (3/7/04)
a. Overdue for a comeback:
b. Springtime is for...
c. A bad roommate experience
-or-
Something that you don't remember drunkenly doing, but eyewitnesses
assure you that you did
-or-
something that combines both:
| a. Sly Stone b. Listening to
"Spring Again" by Biz Markie
c. I had a roommate in college who smelled so bad that one
night he came back to the room when I was asleep and I woke up
choking. What a horrific experience. |
| a. the ice cream man b. outdoor
sex
c. Very drunk and disturbed college roommate proclaimed "I will
kill you in your sleep" because I didn't think she should drink
more shots. She routinely drank like a fish, eventually shacked up
in a trailer with a 45-year-old bartender, and, thankfully, forgot
to kill me. |
| a. Man-on-woman sex b. Fucking
c. Freshman year I roomed (not by choice) with a dood who had a
little bit of a gun fetish. He also owned *every* Jethro Tull
album. He sooooo sucked. This was the fall of 1988 and he
campaigned for Bob Dole in the GOP primary. He owned a crossbow. I
shit you not. Can you believe that?
Sophomore year I had a roommate for one day. I got back to the
room at 1 p.m. on the first day of classes and he was still in the
top bunk with some girl he had met the night before. The room was
all hot and musty and dark. There I am with all my newly purchased
books and my shit not even unpacked. To my credit, this was one of
the few times in my life where I looked injustice in the face and
won the stare-down. I looked up at him in the bunk and I said "You
can't live here." And, to my surprise, he replied, "Yeah. I think
I'm going to drop out of college." And he did. I never saw him
again. A week later, the news spread that I was living alone in a
double. There were these doods on my floor who wanted their buddy
on the floor. So he came up to me and asked if I he could move in,
then said "I don't really need your permission but I'm asking
you." And I said: "You're not moving in here."
On the recommendation of a friend, I roomed with this dood
senior year. This dood was a weightlifter and took steroids. He
had emotional and legal problems to begin with. One day he hurt
his elbow trying to dunk a basketball and came home and took every
plate in the cupboard and smashed them against the kitchen wall,
one by one. When I got home there was smashed porcelain everywhere
and crescent-shaped dents in the drywall. I am still friends with
the guy who recommended this roommate, but our friendship was
downgraded from like a Category Three friendship to a Category
One. |
| a. Young MC b. Hitler
c. For a stretch in college I had sex semi-regularly with a
sorority chick whose roommate was a very studious Vietnamese girl.
A real early-to-bed, early-to-the-library type. My friend and I
would stumble in drunk at like 2 am and get it on. The roommate,
whose bed was maybe 3 feet away, would, of course, hear us come in
and then feign sleep as we made the most of our university
experience. One time, mid-coitus, I looked over and made eye
contact with the roommate. She snapped her eyes shut immediately
but I stone cold busted her checking me out. Having a roommate is
bad enough but having to actually share ONE room is just not
right, especially when you're 18 and horny. |
| a. Rue Paul, you better work b.
people who believe in love, which i don't, only lust
c. Walking in on my roommate choking his chicken in front of
the bathroom sink while brushing his teeth, simultaneous massaging
of gums and the hard one. |
| a. Archers of Loaf b. loafing,
archery
c. Had a lengthy, intimate conversation with an oscillating
fan. Ok, that wasn't me but it did happen. |
| a. Chef Ef b. Fingering underage
girls at Mardi Gras
c. As we were getting ready to go out for the night, my
roommate did approximately 15 shots of vodka in less than two
hours. Primping himself, he decided he didn't like the way his
hair looked and punched the mirror, shattering it. He cut his hand
into ribbons, then puked. I wasn't exactly sober myself and I was
damned if I was going to let him ruin my night. So I put him to
bed, when what he really needed was stitches and a good stomach
pumping. Miraculously he was still alive when I got home. I'm a
very bad roommate. |
| a. urkel b. chumps in love
c. giving my roommate a black eye |
| a. 2 live crew b. daytona with
18 yr olds and guys 20 years their seniors and hidden video cams
c. drinking out of the toilet |
| a. Manny Trillo b. the beginning
of seeing the titties
c. While drunk Freshman year at a party I helped throw, I was
told that in a period of 5 minutes, I stole some freaky chick's
phone, grabbed a bottle of prune juice we had supplied as an
alternate beverage, grabbed the 3/4 lbs. of liver we had supplied
as a snack and threw all of it down the stairs while screaming
curses at the top of my lungs and laughing wildly.
I don't believe a word of it. |
| a. NY Mets b. Snow, hey its
snowing right now |
| a. doug henning b. magic
c. shooting my butler |
#15 (3/3/04)
a. 2004 World Series Champs
-or-
Celebrity they should have detonated along with the Bartman Ball:
b. If you ran for president, who would be your running mate and what party
(real or imaginary) you'd run under
-or-
favorite dog food:
c. Favorite opening lyric to a rock and roll song
-or-
The tale of an opportunity -- romantic, professional or otherwise -- that
you let slip away.
| a. cujo(the gay fashion guy with
mick jagger lips on that entertainment show) b. My running mate
would be heidi klum(sp?) cause she's hot as hell and nobody would
get tired of looking at her
c. .Being a friend to a friend's girlfriend(mutual friend).
when they got in a huge fight I was the sensitive middleman one
night and it turned into a situation where she basically wanted to
get it on I didn't do her |
| a. does Mel Gibson's dad count as
a celeb? b. Clint Eastwood, libertarian. |
| a. Aaron F*cking Boone (obvious)
b. National Environmental Reclamation Front (NERF Party)
c. Ow
Oh yeah, get up
Ow! (Yeah)
Ow! Ow!
(And the Cradle Will Rock) |
| a. Let's go Yan Kees b. Beggin'
Strips
c. She wanted nothing. And I delivered." - 'Ojo Rojo' by the
mighty Fu Manchu |
| a. Dave Navarro b. Alpo
c. "ChickenPussy, ChickenPussy, I love you." |
| a. A-Rod b. Gil-Scott Heron (if
he could promise he'd stay off crack)-The Whitey on the Moon Party
c. I wake up every morning in the face of a cop/because I used
to take the nine and go [three gun shots]"-The Lifers Group |
| a. Mike Myers b. Don Mattingly/
Know-Nothings
c. After a nice long night of pounding the bud, my companions
and I retired to a friends house to smoke some weed.
I saw this one guy take an enormous bong hit.
He immediately began coughing wildly - he'd inhaled down the
wrong pipe.
He gestured towards me, and, sensing something was wrong, I
instinctively punched him in the nuts.
I have never seen a human in such agony who lived to tell the
tale.
Anyway, I regret not finishing the job and offing him right
there. |
| a. Armstrong Williams b. Chris
Rock: "fuck it"
c. Do not attempt to adjust your radio... |
| a. kelly clarkson- though i hate
to qualify her as a celebrity b. mighty dog- i just think it's
funny that it's for little dogs, but it's called 'mighty'
c. while in college i decided i wanted to go into television
production. my best friends brother, who was about 5 years into a
producton career offered to help me out. he got me an internship
and introduced me to people....
anyway, he calls me one afternoon and says that the circus is
coming to town and he's shooting a piece on the elephant march
through the tunnels (when they close a tunnel off in the middle of
the night so the ringling brothers can parade their elephants from
jersey to MSG). He says that they're desperate for a PA who can
drive their production van through the tunnel while they videotape
the elephants.
i agree and make plans to take the train into the city for my
first 'PA gig.' On the way to the train i decided to stop and get
a soda and i end up missing the train by about 30 seconds. i call
him to tell him and he's pissed. he tells me if i cant get up
there by they time they need me not to bother.
the dumbest part of my whole endeavour is that i had a car on
campus at the time and could have driven up there faster than the
train would have gotten me--- but since i had never driven into
the city before, i was afraid something bad might happen and it
was too risky.
occasionally i think about it and marvel about what a pussy i
can be sometimes |
| a. bartman. and seacrest. and
timberlake. and all of the insane clown posse. b. mmmm.....
snausages.
c. foot on the pedal, never ever false metal
engine running hotter than a boiling kettle
my job ain't a job -- it's a damn good time
city to city I'm running my rhymes |
#14 (2/28/04)
a. Something that scares the piss out of you:
b. If you ever got your shit together, what you'd be doing for a living:
c. Three things you ARE likely to do this year, including at least one you
don't wanna:
| a.
Being gleeked on by JPW. I still have nightmares. b. Park ranger
or guide in one of the national parks.
c.
1) Continue to work like a dog.
2) Hopefully get to Maine for a camping trip.
3) Be happy. |
| a.
being alone b. living underground/riding the trains and homeless
c.
-see in laws
-trip out of my mind
-do coke at least once |
| a.
Getting pissed on (It's no fun. -Ed.) b. probably the same
lame shite
c.
- Get drunk
- Get hungover
- Get married |
| a.
cockroaches b. Playing lead guitar in a rock band
c.
1) Scream "Fuck You Asshole!!!" at the top of my lungs at least
10 times.
2) Get reprimanded at work.
3) Go to West Virginia. |
| a.
that maybe the A-Rod deal will turn out to be an episode of Ashton
Kutscher's ' Punk'd' b. nothing, and being able to afford doing
it.
c.
1. work
2. drink
3. screw |
| a.
the Bush administration and what will happens if he's re-elected b.
a local hitman working in the hague (where the war crimes tribunals
are) that specializes in 'silencing witnesses'
c.
-mow the lawn
-go wave jumping on a jet ski
-discuss family planning |
| a.
Going to prison. b. A motivational speaker who inspires other
people to get their shit together.
c.
1. Break up with my girlfriend.
2. Remain flat fucking broke.
3. Get thrown out of a bar. |
| a.
asteroid impacts b. organizing pingu / chopper / (three other
flash games) world videogame pentathalon
c.
-get sunburn
-bust with the fart gas
-vomit |
| a.
Flesh-eating bacteria, testicular cancer (literally) b. President
of the United States of America
c.
- Vomit.
- Trip and fall in front of a room full of people.
- Win the Food Network NCAA pool. |
| a. aliens
(...yeah, I know) & BIG spiders b. I'd have my Ph.D. and start to
earn $.
c.
-Dissertation. (must do, don't wanna)
-Procrastinate. (will do, but shouldn't)
-Go disco dancing with my sexy man-slut. (yeah, baby!) |
#13 (2/23/04)
a. Favorite Burger (description and location):
b. First website (after verbungle.com) that you visit each day:
c. Three things you are unlikely to do this year (including at least one
you'd like to):
| a. 'In and Out
Burgers', only found in the west, juicy, fresh, mouthwatering, i
dont have to say anymore. b.
www.IRMAexpress.com
c. 1.lose 25lbs pounds
2.stop losing hair
3.marry Liz Phair |
| a. Klee's Bleu
Cheese Burger- about a half a pound of burger with plenty of blue
cheese smashed in there. you can get 'em at Klee's Bar and Grill,
Seaside, NJ b. ya-hooo-oo
c. 1. buy a house for cheap, fix it up and sell it for a bundle.
2. grow pot
3. have my truck painted yellow
(if i hit any one of those, it'll be an exceptional year) |
| a. Bistro Burger -
Corner Bistro / Double Double - In n Out b. hmmmm ... it
kind of depends
c. 1) ski out west
2) refurbish something
3) drugs |
| a. Homemade off
any grill anywhere with generous amounts of cheese, mayo, bacon, L &
T. And when I say homemade, I don't mean those premade shit patties
from the supermarket. b. bigdick.com
c. 1. Find jesus and reclaim my virginity.
2. Stop smoking, drinking gallons of coffee, and eating nachos
for dinner.
3. Meet the after work (who the fuck are you
anyway???). |
| a. Corner Bistro,
Greenwich Village. Hands down. With a plate of fries and a frosty
beer. Life is good. b.
www.nytimes.com
c. 1. Vote for George W. Bush.
2. Capture Osama bin Laden.
3. Suck my own cock.
(I'll leave it up to you to decide which I'd like to do.) |
| a. GFYS(go fuck
yourself) burger at Mew's Tavern in Wakefield RI- topped with bacon
monterray jack and jalepenos with the usual lettuce, tomato and
onion. b. Washingtonpost.com
to check the state of Bushland.
c. 1) Go on a cool vacation either to the Tetons for hiking or to
Key West for sun and scuba diving.
2) Get into a good 3 on 3 game involving "Fun." (Get yourself
a plane ticket and we'll hook it up. -Ed.)
3) Avoid my loss of physical skills.
I'd like to do all three. |
| a. In-N-Out
Burger, Double Double animal style with animal style fries, 1837
Foothill Blvd., Upland, CA b.
www.msnbc.com
c. - Get any piercings.
- Apply to be on a reality show.
- Buy a dog. |
| a. Brent Musburger
b. www.monkeyweb.com
c. - Punch my boss & cold-cock the intern
- Take job
- Shove job |
| a. By the way, the
Corner Bistro is overrated b.
www.pagesix.com
c.- I am unlikely to star in an action movie.
- I probably won't start for the Yankees at Third now that they
have A-ROD.
- I won't run for mayor. |
| a. i used to like
the public elementary school cheeseburgs b.
http://weather.verbungle.com --
verbungle has the most accurate weather reports
c. 1) go gay
2) go republican
3) drive a vw tauororeg |
#12 (2/19/04)
a. On-air TV news personality you'd like to share a
French kiss with and the station they work for:
b. Part of your body that is often sore and cause of soreness (if known):
c. The tale of a time you were asked to leave/ejected/booted/tossed/86'd/thrown
out/forcibly removed from someplace
or
3 things you might have been doing on May 29th, 1990 that you would do
again if you had the chance, and/or one thing you would refrain from doing
again:
| a. Rachel Perry on
VH-1, i have to love those canadiens, and yes in my mind she counts
as an on-air tv news personality since she does the VH-1 countdown. |
a. Rachael Ray,
her food is news. And you can make it all happen
b. my armpits. it's weird.
c. drinking beer, smoking pot, cutting class. It was highschool, it
was the highlife and I wouldn't change a darn thing. |
| a. dan balz b.
ballz - from swingin
c. ballin
hangin
creepin
---
lampin |
a. katie couric-
NBC
b. gums in the back of my mouth- i never got my wisdom teeth out and
now they've impacted. every few months one of the impacted teeth
will become irritated, all i do is go a little longer with the
listerine, it usually goes away after a few days.
c. This one time a few days ago, a bouncer at emeril live got in my
face because we were hanging around after the show and potentially
in the way of a guy with a cart.
My wife works there, and I knew the bouncer knew it, so I felt
inclined to linger as long as I saw fit. Before I even saw the cart
he started telling us that we were getting in the way, and before I
could get out the words 'Who's way?' this guy with a cart shows up
and needs to get past me.
I ended up just getting out of the way, as I would have even if the
bouncer wasn't there to instruct me. I just walked over to the other
side of the counter and refused to look at the guy again.
Sometimes I wish I were an angry drunk, I'd have such better
stories. |
| a. Jessica
Simpson/the MTV b. shoulder/badly-healed torn labrum
c. So AJR and I were in the Bar with the App, and we were all
getting down to business with the drink. Thing is AJR and I were
pounding the beer, App was pounding white russians--pint size. So,
the App starts messing around with the jukebox in plain view of the
bartender (who happens to be a real jackass). Anyway, the bartender
gets pissed at App, who in turn blames us. One thing leads to
another and the App starts slapping AJR in the face, which I thought
was pretty funny. AJR didn't like it so much. After about 4 slaps,
AJR launched into his patented leaping strangle-hold App throttle.
The whole bar erupted, not to join the fight, but yelling at them to
stop. I grabbed AJR's arm, but he threatened to punch me, and meant
it. So I let go. Then all these older guys were yelling at us to get
out. There were LOTS of older guys. So we offered to fight them. I
politely asked one of them if he would like to discuss things
outside. He declined. Thank god. Then I pulled my own patented move:
throwing AJR and myself out of the bar. I looked the bartender dead
in the eye and said, "we're outta here!" That doesn';t include the
App, mind you; he stayed. So I don't know if we were officially
86'd. On the way out, I told a guy that his mouth was gonna get him
in trouble some day. I think he was about 50 years old. I'm tough
like that. |
| a. Paula Zahn,
partially because she's so despicable that it makes her hotter b.
My knees 'cause I'm a lazy fuck who gave up on stretching and
running about ten years ago
c. There was this certain apartment that we all seemed to
congregate in back in the '80s. The person who's place it was seemed
to enjoy the fact that it was his apartment that we always ended up
at. However, he seemed to devilishly relish the power of the
situation some and first introduced me to the concept of "The Boot."
The actual Boot was given a lot less than the threat of it was
bandied about. I think I actually got The Boot just once--though I
do remember its application not seeming completely just. The main
recipient was a kid named Adam Sales, who more often than not was
quite deserving. But there were times when after watching Adam
receive the boot and trudge sadly down that long, long hallway that
I thought, "There but for the grace of SRC go I." (Sorry I was
such a monster. - Ed.) |
| a. Al Roker b.
do i have to pick just one?
c. Brought beer from a deli into Corner Bistro. Attempted to
reason with the "bouncer" explaining that it was in the bar's
economic best interest to let us stay b/c eventually we would start
drinking their beer. Suprisingly enough he had none of this. |
| a. Jimmy Fallon,
NBC b. Girly Parts-- PMS
c. Obtaining drinks (I was underage) by:
1) Suckering/flirting with older men in the 7-11 parking lot.
And, at one point, unknowingly asking an off-duty NYC cop to buy a
case of bud ice. (would do again) 2) Taking matters into my own
hands by shoplifting from 7-11. (would not do again)
Smoking joints to prepare for my job as a supermarket cashier.
(would do again)
Stealing friend's parents' car for joy ride. (would do again)
Hitchhiking. (would not do again) |
#11 (2/16/04)
a. Strangest place you've ever made the pee pee
-or-
Celebrity and the body part of theirs that you'd like to see exposed
b. Best sunny afternoon drinking song:
c. Your trespassing, hitchhiking, or shoplifting story (secondhand and
made-up stories are acceptable):
| a. Let's just say
golden showers for her b. Anything by Merle Haggard
c. Going into my neighbors house in junior high when nobody was
home. Someone forgot to lock the door and only the screen door was
closed. Wandered around their house , found myself in the parent's
bedroom. Went through Mrs. Bischoff's panties and saw Mr. Biscoff's
underwear. And as all horny young breaking and enterers, I sniffed
her panties too. The first time my face touched silk. the ones in
their laundry pile smelled a bit sour, though at that age I didn't
put together why. (maybe the smell of piss on those panties has some
correlation to why I enjoy golden showers now as a middle aged man.)
I guess this could be seen as disturbing by some, I guess I wonder
where young people learn to do inappropriate things like that,
considering the life-experience that is usually lacking up to that
point. |
a. on the pink
taco
b. monday. monday
c. Getting detained for taking a package of skittles. |
| a. Spock's Cock
b. 'Darlington County' followed by 'Peg'
c. I did a lot of trespassing back in the day with my crew in Md.
One time we had a stepladder and we watched swim team sisters
_______ and _______ _________ taking showers in their house. That
shit was on fire.
Then another time my buddy went a-courtin' on _______
___________'s roof and a police incident ensued when she was badly
startled by the figure at her window. Parents got called. And even
though I was completely innocent except for my presence I took the
whole rap. |
a. Christopher
Reeve's limp noodle dick
b. Wake Up Dead by Megadeth
c. I got picked up hitchhiking by an English teacher at my high
school. It was the first time I learned that Saabs have their
ignition on the floor. He took me to clearing in the woods where he
tied me to a tree and fucked my ass repeatedly while quoting from
the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. I failed English that year. |
a. I peed off a
balcony in college, onto the head of an unsuspecting pedestrian
below. Not on purpose - he basically walked right into my stream.
Sorry, dude.
b. Fisherman's Blues - The Waterboys. This song is perfect for any
weather and any time of day, in fact. If you don't know it, seek it
out. You won't be disappointed. (Know it, love it. -Ed.)
c. In college again: a brewery in town had a giant, 2-story beer can
on its roof. It was right near our favorite bar and after last call
sometimes we would scale, not unlike Spiderman, the wall of the
brewery. The place was along the highway so we had to race across
the roof to avoid being spotted by passing motorists, then climb the
can. There was a lip inside the can where we could sit and smoke
without being seen. Climbing up there and running across that roof
in the dead of night with a beer buzz on was about as much fun as
I've had. |
| a. TRUMP'S WEAVE
b. aber jetzt muss gleich ein bier hier
c. Gorgeous summer afternoon circa July 1985.
K-mart in Rutalnd, VT.
Us - A bunch of CIT's @ Camp Sangamon, "The Camp with the Pioneer
Spirit"
In the true Pioneer Spirit, with $5-10 each to our name and an
entire "day-off" to enjoy in Rutland, we decided to start it with
some light shop-lifting @ K-mart. We were, of course, caught
red-handed. Well, actually my friend - who we will call D. to
protect his identity - was caught and taken in to the wormy
manager's (picture the principal in Ferris Bueller's) office for a
shakedown and questioning.
In the ball-hugging of my Hawaiian jams, I had stashed my loot of
Hershey's kisses. In order to prevent the kisses from falling out of
my shorts I walked stiff-legged out of the store, looking as if I
had just shat myself. Perhaps, my unseemly gait gave my would be
apprehenders pause allowing my narrow escape without a criminal
record.
By the way, I don't think they pressed charges on D. |
| a. Jessica
Simpson/all of it b. "Honky Tonk Women" - The Rolling Stones
c. One time, I got pulled over for running a stop sign. Turned
out my license was suspended at the time. So when the cop came back,
he said, "son, you're under arrest." I responded by blasting out a
huge fart. I don't know if he heard it. Mind you, I didn't shit my
pants. |
| a. Helen Hunt's
Cunt and Tommy Chong's Dong b. Skyrockets in Flight (Afternoon
Delight)
c. This one day I trespassed, shoplifted, and hitchhiked all in
the same day. I woke up and found a Bjorn Borg-style headband on the
floor near my bed and I was wearing those nuthugger shorts. Then I
started hearing Wolfman Jack on the radio and I knew something was
different. I had been transported back in time to the 70s! When I
was hitchiking I smoked weed and then I offered up some Fresca
(shoplifted) to the trucker who was hauling me away from the county
mountie who saw me trespassing. You would simply not believe the
taste of Fresca if you drank it today ... it's like drinking in
August of '77. There used to be little snowflakes on the can. And
the pop tabs ... they used to pop right off the can and if you shook
it you could get the fresca to shoot like 20 feet into the air. Ha. |
| a. Wade Bogg's hog
and Boss Hogg's nog b. Sweet Melissa (the Filipino Hooker) - 2
Live Crew Remix |
| a. I saw a friend
of mine once piss all over the cheese tray at a Sweet Sixteen party
b. "Tush" - ZZ Top
c. My parents once picked up a hitchhiker when we were in Montauk
in the mid-70's. He didn't kill us. |
| a. Bathroom sink @
B&G (wasn't drunk & didn't realize until I was in mid-stream) b.
Ich will wieder heim
c. LL Bean Store - Freeport, ME
I wasn't on-hand for this one, but I love it.
A group of Bates College students walks into LL's at 2AM - the
mothership store is open 24-7. They proceed to walk out of the store
with a canoe and two paddles. Obliging store employees hold the
doors for them as they leave.
I can't help but smile. |
| a. Ayn Rand's
glands |
| a. Dubya's
Limpdick b. Fuck Tha Police
c. I jacked a NJ turnpike toll booth worker because I didn't have
enough money for coffee and a hot dog. |
#10 (2/13/04)
a. First Name and Last initial of the other person who
was involved the first time you touched boobies/had your boobies touched,
and the approximate date of this tremendous event
-or-
First Name and Last initial of favorite cast member or character on "Hill
Street Blues," and any date in history:
b. Worst early 90's dance song (that you danced to -- you know you did):
c. A trial you sat on (the charges, the verdict, your feelings) or any
other courthouse experience
-or-
A less than ideal experience you had with a guy named "Tony" (if your name
is Tony, any less than ideal experience will do):
| a. 980 A.D. b.
please don't go
c. there was this one time when tony and i were working two
holes. We had our two knobs, and there was a lot of screwing, but he
had a lot more time to work on the lower hole while i was kind of
stuck trying to make it work above him, but boy did he take his
sweet time. It was hot and i could smell him hard at work. i was
sweating too, a little too close to another man if you know what i
mean, especially if you've ever done double duty. but he finally
finished and after he moved out of the way it was easier to do my
business. |
| c. When I think of
Howard Dean 'making his stand' out there in Wisconsin, I think of a
big high school parking lot rumble, where there's a lot of talk,
then the first punch is thrown, then there's a lot of commotion,
then everybody scatters except for the real fighters. Then there's
that one loud mouth as far away as possible screaming and taunting
and telling the fighter to come there. |
| a. Amy O.- Summer
87- Actually there was no touching, but during a game of truth or
dare, we had to go into the other room and switch shirts (I actually
remember she was wearing a 'Shop-A-Saurus' shirt). All i saw was her
bra, but she may have been one of a handful of kids in our grade who
had ever seen MY boobies. I still think that's why she agreed to do
it. b. I danced to them all, but I actually had a routine for "Ice
Ice Baby"
c. In 7th grade, as part of a social studies thing, they brought
us all down to the municipal courthouse so we could watch the
action.
Well wouldn't you know, there's some poor sap defending himself
on a DWI charge, with about 60 kids to witness.
A few weeks later, a couple of us were standing outside the
bowling alley, waiting for our ride home, and would you know, the
guy walks out. I take my loud mouthed friend aside and whisper to
him who it is. He's not sure, so he asks the guy.
It was the first time I ever heard someone say "I have no idea
what you're talking about." when I knew they were completely
lying... |
a, c: One time,
after I was manhandled in public, handcuffed, dragged through a
gasping crowd of onlookers on my heels, searched and then chained to
the wall of a seedy New Jersey jail cell for intense questioning, I
reported to court to plead my case--among burglars and drug
traffickers and mother rapists--only to be yelled at by the judge
for committing such a heinous crime, and then trying to defend
myself.
How, the judge asked me, could I possibly light up a cigarette
INSIDE the train station??
I waited for the courtroom to break out in laughter as the hidden
camera was revealed. Nothing came but the gavel and the verdict:
GUILTY AS CHARGED.
And in that jail cell, coincidentally, was the first time I had my
boobies touched. |
| a. Luke M.,
1990ish b. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
c. This guy, Tony, an aspiring physical therapist from college,
tried to woo me by suggesting we break into a spa he worked in as a
massage therapist... he thought we could go hot tubbing and then he
could give me a rub-down with hot oils. Despite his obvious sleaze,
I found Tony to be a funny, harmless fellow. Given this, as well as
the high beer quotient that evening, I decided to break into the spa
for a tour (where I did NOT get rubbed down or hot tubbed) and later
crashed at his house (where, again, I did not get rubbed down or hot
tubbed). The next morning Tony continued the story-book romance by
taking me to the Denny's grand slam breakfast buffet, where he
discussed his massage skills and his potential job prospects in a
serous attempt to impress me. As you might guess, Tony never got his
grand slam. |
| a. Joyce
D./October 14, 1066 b. OPP
c. -I made an appearance on behalf of a client in front of an
administative law judge for the social security administration. Our
client was seeking disability benefits for severe emotional and
physical problems. At the hearing, we were clearly informed that the
proceedings would be tape recorded. In fact, we were told to wait
until they pressed "record." At one point, our client could not
answer a question posed by the judge because she was crying. I
answered for her and then said, idiotically, "your honor, I would
like the record to reflect that my client was unable to answer the
question herself." To which the Judge responded, "Mr. ___, I think
the tape recording will more than adequately preserve her silence."
I'm stupid. Whatever, we won that shit.
- When I was a freshman on the baseball team in high school, Tony
R., a junior and a bully would conduct "cup checks" by poking kids
in the nads with a bat, not hard but hard enough (Tony R. clearly
had problems). He never got me, but he got a few poor souls. I guess
that taught them. Still a mean SOB. |
| a. some chick at
the beach - 19 eighty-something b. Personal Jaysus
c. We awarded some family 10 grand because their faces got hit on
the plastic divider in a taxi cab, which is the single most-common
reason for ER visits in NYC.
The plaintiff's lawyer stared at us in disbelief because the
award was a serious slap in the face. I think he was gunning for
mid-200ks.
We jurors decided to pay for the daughter's plastic surgery and
nothing else because the daughter's Mom and Dad were clearly trying
to milk out a big payday, which was bogus.
This trial was in civil court in downtown Manhattan in Oct., 2001
and the stench of the still-smouldering WTC permeated Lower
Manhattan in those days. If you lit a laser printer on fire in your
living room you could emulate the smell.
The defendants' attorneys were an incompetent lot. One in
particular was such a sad sack that her defense alone probably
spurned us to rule in favor of the plaintiffs. It was ironic because
she understood our judgement to be a victory for her lawyering
skills when it was in fact a direct result of her incompetence.
There was a huge disconnect between the idiocy of this civil
trial and the 3,000 people laying entombed a half-mile away under
the fallen WTC. It was hard to sit there and participate in the
trial but this fact was not lost on the judge and he told us it was
our civic duty.
And you can imagine how bad this particular defense lawyer must
have been since she drove us to rule in favor of the plaintiff even
against this backdrop of tragedy.
We jurors also went and drank beer after the trial one day. That
was fun.
PS. I have a Tony story but yeah I don't want to get into it. |
a. I don't
remember whose boobs I first touched, but the first time I ever
"went to third" was during a downpour in the back seat of a tiny car
while "I Love A Rainy Night" played on the radio. The kicker is it
wasn't the Eddie Rabbit original, but the version by the CHIPMUNKS.
b. What was that crap tune by C&C Music Factory? (as if you don't
know. -Ed.)
c. The last time I was sitting around at jury duty waiting to be
chosen or set free, they showed us "Seabiscuit" on a giant-screen
TV. On DVD no less. Sucky movie but I appreciated the gesture. Gotta
love L.A. |
a. Nicole Simpson
b. pump up the jam
c. not guilty, oj simpson
witness |
#9 (2/10/04)
a. Least imposing superhero (actual or create your own):
b. Favorite bar in the whole world (Name/Location):
c. A job you held that you didn't take seriously, and something you did on
said job that exemplifies your bad attitude:
a. Matter-Eater
Lad from the Legion of Superheroes. I swear to god:
http://www.supermanartists.comics.org/superwhoswho/mattereaterlad-adv303.JPG
b. Metronome in Burlington, Vermont because they actually paid me to
DJ there.
c. I worked for $3.50 and hour (the minimum wage was $3.25) at a
store called the Athletic Shoe Factory back in '88 in San Francisco.
People would ask me to help them choose what sneaker to buy. I would
always tell them that one had "better support" than the other, the
"better support" sneaker chosen at random depending on my mood that
day. Did I mention that was $3.50 an hour without commissions? |
| a. Lettuce Leaf
Macaroni Boy b. Tossup: Fox and Hounds (DC) or Phoenix Park/7B
(NYC) or Nectar's (Burlington Vt.)
c. It was my job on Feb. 3, 2002, to keep drunkie Steve and
drunkie G. Web. from pounding each other in a Brooklyn nightclub and
I failed. I tried to wrap up Steve while attempting to prevent him
from going after G Web? (I think - things are hazy).
Anyway it's possible - POSSIBLE - I am the one who scratched his
eye although I can't be sure.
It certainly was not a surprise attack or a cold cock. The
problem was I underestimated Steve's size. He's bigger than you
would think (Giant Steve? -Ed.). Next time I'm going low
instead of high.
Another guy, Joe Popp, was the last man in and finally stopped
the "play fight," which was rapidly spiraling out of control.
I do feel for Steve because nobody needs a gash like that.
---
Then there was the time I left Pier One Imports in a huff and
threatened the manager "you better not give me a bad reference." |
| a. THE INDIAN DUDE
from the SUPERFRIENDS CARTOON, he just got big and was obviously a
token minority b. CRAZY ROCKS/NJ
c. @Barnes and Nobles : While in the stockroom, I would randomly
tear out pages from books that were about to be shelved. |
| a. the 2 (implied
incestual )siblings with elvin ears and their blue monkey-one could
become animals the other various states of water b. swingers-NYC
and any bars that are dark with purposeful holes in the walls
c. a barback-"buying"drinks for broads that were drinking but
pretty obviously underage w/ fake ids. since I could get them free
liquor it enhanced my ability to seduce them and later make creamy
mashed potatoes at my place when they were wasted. I am a very bad
person. |
| a. The Fucking
Wondertwins b. The Dutch Cabin/Poughkeepsie, NY
c. 1. At my job right out of college, I would sometimes stand on
my desk chair and squawk like a chicken at the top of my lungs. My
boss used to yell at me. Prick.
2.During a summer job selling clothes, my
friend and I would take turns farting on the neatly folded cotton
sweaters. |
| a. mytylplyx b.
coyote ugly
c. Food Prep at a place called Amigos
We were supposed to wear gloves but it wasn't enforced. I
remember having a gash on the side of my hand that was scabbing. It
was before dinner started and I picked off the scab, dropped it into
a bowl of bacon bits. cause I was hard like that. Somebody enjoyed
my scab. |
| a. Super
Potatohead Man! b. Maggie's on the SU Hill
c. Worked in a pizza place for 8 years during high school and
during the summer while in college.
The girls who worked there were responsible for tossing pepperoni
on the pizza, as the men were cutting the tray of pizza into 28
squares. One time, the owner's son, who is also the least competent
guy there, complained that I wasn't throwing the pepperoni fast
enough. So, in front of about 10 customers, most of them regulars, I
took two handfuls of pepperoni and threw them right onto the pizza
and walked away. (Did I mention we were also under the influence at
the time? I guess that could exemplify a bad attitude in and of
itself?) |
| a. plasticman b.
diamonds
c. pizza delivery- the most annoying thing was when someone would
come in and ask for a pizza to be delivered because they had to do a
few more errands before going home. They would prepay and leave and
I would deliver their pizza for them at said time. The same people
always did it too. So one day I pull in their driveway, drop the
pizza on their doormat , ring the bell, and run back to my car ,
pulling out as fast as i could. They complained but it was well
worth not getting the $1 tip. that 's pretty bad ,right? i'm bad. |
| a.Limpdick
NoodleFist b. the bar on the san clemente pier has to be up there
c. i made this face
:-o
at my boss |
#8 (2/7/04)
a. Celebrity who's much better looking than you that you like to think you
resemble:
b. A war you would have proudly fought in, and which side you'd be on:
c. Describe a night (or day) when by all rights you
should have died, or at least had your life dramatically damaged forever:
| a. david faustino
b. make love not war
c. Driving home with a friend who was tripping on acid. As he
drove he kept saying " I'm playing space invaders, look at them on
the windshield " I was too wasted to care. Not sure how we made it
home. |
| a. a very young
marlon brando b. WWII- USA
c. Not really a day, more of a quick situation.
I was at work and we were building a platform for a split level
staircase. It was a platform we had built a hundred times, but I
recently decided it was stronger if I nailed it a certain way.
Now mind you we don't EVER follow any of the safety rules posted
on our power tools so in addition to NOT wearing safety goggles I
was holding the nail gun upside down and firing up into a piece of
wood I was hunched over. Basically the only thing separating the gun
and my face was a 2x4.
Long story short, I pull the trigger and instead of hearing that
nice 'thunk' (indicating the nail hit) I hear the sound the gun
makes when it slips and the nail goes flying and a micro-fraction-of
a second later I feel something hit my eyebrow and now my skull is
vibrating.
Although I was completely unscathed (not a scratch) I came within
about a half an inch of putting a 10 Penny nail square into my left
eye.
I still think about whether I would have gotten a glass one or a
patch. Probably a patch, because I hate lazy eyes. |
| a. Lorenzo Lamas
b. Falklands War (on the British side)
c. sounds like every day for me |
| a. Pete North (I
resemble him in the cock department) b. Afghanistan - U.S.; WWII -
Allies
c. I went over a cliff skiing off-trail in Bad Gastein, Austria.
But my momentum carried me rightward and I landed on a snow field -
instead of plunging 100 feet to the rocks directly beneath me - and
basically escaped unharmed with a few scrapes on my face.
As I went over the cliff, I looked down while in mid-air, and all
I could see below me was rocks.
I really thought I was a-gonna die.
My last words would have been: "Shit."
I don't know whether it was the beer I had at lunch but I've
never drank and skied since. |
| a. Frankie Muniz
b. Cola Wars, on the side of the insurgent RC
c. I was in New Orleans for spring break, on mescaline. We drank
a bunch of those godawful street booze concoctions and did the
standard French Quarter crawl - some strippers here, some music
there. Same old shit. After a while we wanted something "different,"
outside the stereotypical Nawlins party scene. Something a little
dangerous. Around 3AM we took a stroll. Two blocks, then four, then
six. Before long the lights and sounds of Bourbon Street were a
speck in the distance and it was quiet and dark and pretty scary.
Shadowy figures huddled in doorways conducting who knows what kind
of business. If you've ever been to N.O. you know there are parts of
town - most of them, in fact - where you feel like you're taking
your life in your hands just walking. Anyway we started talking to a
(presumably) homeless guy who was hitting us up for smokes. We fed
him cigarettes and sat on a stoop for awhile. He was a bit schizo
but nice enough, though in my own addled state I began convincing
myself that he was setting us up for something bad. Creepy guys
started hanging around, whispering to our new friend. He would say
shit back like, "No, man, they're cool. They're cool." Eventually he
asked us if we wanted to buy some drugs, and we did. We walked
alongside him, with his shady friends following about a block
behind, like carrion birds. At a burnt out building he motioned for
us to follow him inside. My friends and I exchanged dubious glances
and suddenly sobered/wised up. Without saying a word to each other
we each instantly decided we should probably beat it out of there.
We turned around and headed back to the friendly, vomit-tinged
confines of Bourbon Street, sure that we would be jumped at any
second. I still wonder what fate awaited us inside that abandoned
building. |
| a. John F. Kennedy
b. I'm such a fucking wimp I didn't even help defend Lex against the
hoods.
c. One year I lived on a ski mountain and I had successfully
gotten down the mountain all of once, with a bunch of help. I didn't
know how to make turns, only how to slow myself down by making a
"v-wedge." I felt all cocky one night and took the last lift for the
evening up to the top of the mountain by myself. When I got to the
top, it dawned on me that I was the only one up there and that I
actually had to ski down slopes that seemed way more scary in the
dark. Telling myself that I was being a pussy, I finally got up the
nerve to push myself off. As I started picking up speed way too
quickly, I suddenly realized how there were fucking huge drops and
huge trees all around me and how there was no way that anyone should
be legally allowed to put themselves in such a dangerous situation
and that basically, I was a dead man. I somehow made it down without
falling, v-wedging it so hard that I was sure my knees were going to
blow. |
| a. the guy who
played richie valens brother in the movie la bamba b. french -
indian war, side with the indians
c. landing on my face from ten ft. up, thought I would be like
the dude in mask without the lumpiness. but somehow i turned out
looking just like the guy who played richie valens' brother in the
movie La Bamba. |
| a. marty feldman
b. star wars, i don't care as long as i get one of them mf'ing
lightsabers
c. every day and night on my way to and from work, ain't nobody
getting round' the black viper baby! |
| a. MARK HAMILL
b. STAR WARS - DARK SIDE
c. the night when i fell through the garbage chutes on cloudland.
Clung to that antenna structure, really thought I was a goner, it
was freezing cold out there and I only had one hand to hold on with. |
| a. Tim Allen b.
Star Wars - Darth Vader's side
c. As I get older, the truly satisfying dump is becoming more and
more elusive. |
#7 (2/5/04)
a. What you'd name your boat if you had one (no way you actually have one,
but if you do, you can just say its name here):
b. Appalling or noteworthy physical characteristic about yourself that
others may not know (e.g. you have three nuts or you've been diagnosed
with
Gilbert's Syndrome):
c. A time in your life when
you unnecessarily tattled on someone or were tattled on by someone, and
the fallout from said tattle job:
| a. the MANROD b.
my third leg is a 14" monster I have to tape down
c. I'm no rat but I do have an organ very much like that of a
small horse. |
| a. Spandau Ballet
b. Cigarette burns on my chest that i asked for, enough said!
c. I plead the 5th! |
| a. Poop Ship
Destroyer b. Chondromalacia in left knee (like J. Stackhouse)
c. You got a thing for bad memories.
Growing up, my parents were open in discussing sex, drugs, etc.
And I guess I didn't realize the bar was set differently for rest of
society. So in 8th grade, before some class, I was in the bathroom
and ____ _______, a friend of our family, was in the stall smoking
weed. The door was open and I remember I looked in and we made eye
contact. It was a weird moment.
I thought it was funny and started making jokes about it in class
with a couple friends. Somehow it got back to the teacher and after
class I found myself in the principal's office. The principal
literally shook me down for my testimony with a threat to suspend me
if I didn't give up the offender. In retrospect, I should have
sucked it up, but I told the principal the story.
This was a private school and the rules were super harsh against
this type of infraction. This guy, who was four years older than me,
was on his way to becoming student body president - probably on his
way to an Ivy League school I can't quite remember - and I knocked
his little life way off kilter. He was suspended and he might have
gotten kicked out. I can't remember. It was bad.
His little sister, who was in my grade, forgave me though and her
parents did too. But this one "friend" of the guy, who probably sold
him the weed, kicked my ass in the parking lot after school a few
weeks later. Worst charlie horse I have ever had in my life right in
the back of the thigh.
Moral of the story: Never assume that you won't kick up a
shitstorm if you make jokes. Other moral: When in doubt, shut the
fuck up. |
| a. Double Down (If
I bought it with money won playing Blackjack) b. i have
extraordinary eyesight
c. one time in 2nd Grade, someone decided to write "SHIT" on the
bathroom wall, and they wrote it IN shit to really drive the point
home (pretty expressive for a 3rd grader).
Anyway, the principal makes an announcement at lunch that he'd
really like to know who did this. And through the grapevine, I find
out it's Scott Ferrari, from one of the baddest families in town. So
I head on down to the office and let Mr. Paul know what I knew.
He thanks me for coming forward with this information and assures
me they'll look into it, and that was done. When I got home and told
my father, even he questioned my weak evidence for tattling.
Not sure if Scotty ever got in trouble for it or if anyone even
knew I did it, but I know that a couple of weeks later at the
lunchtime 'school wide rain day coloring contest,' judged solely by
Mr. Paul, guess who bagged the top prize... |
| a. This Shit's
Goin' Down b. Ear wax, lots of it
c. Bit myself in 1st grade and blamed it on Winston Fisher who
had a history of doing such things. He had to go sit it the corner.
Little fucker deserved it, too, because he had kicked me in the
stomach the day before. So I stone cold tattled his ass. |
| a. the animal
instinct b. A MOLE on the A HOLE
c. Once I told on my brother: my dad found one of his pornos had
been watched, must have not been where he left it in the scene. When
he asked me, I told him i had seen my brother watching it. He got
whooped. I felt bad hearing him cry, getting the fury, especially
since I'm the one who watched it. Scarring memory, still saddens me.
Fear of consequence, Seeing the innocent punished and the guilty
getting away. I guess things aren't that different in the non adult
world, it's just the scale of things. |
| a. Wet Bitch b.
I have a peculiar & overdeveloped forearm muscle on the inside of my
right arm.
c. When I was about 7, my friend and I used to steal candy
cigarettes and other assorted goodies from the local stationery
store. My friend used to visit this store with her family every
sunday after church. Over time she felt increasingly guilty and
confessed our sins to her parents, who intern called my parents.
That next sunday she was forced to go to the store after church and
tearfully apologize to the owners. My athiest parents gave me a
lecture about stealing, and probably grounded me for a day. I also
remember feeling irritated that this God person made her tell on
me... I thought he should lighten up (especially since she initiated
the stealing). |
| a. The Wretched
Whore |
2/2/04:(#6)
a. Object of your lowest, darkest masturbational fantasy
-or-
Favorite Super Bowl Shuffle performer
b. Proper amount to tip your mailman at the holidays:
c. 3 non-baseball related things Mike Piazza could do
to fuck with Roger Clemens this year
-or-
Best or worst concert experience and why
| a. Walter Payton
b. $0.00
c.
1) Market "Roger's Bat Hitter" at head shops across the country.
2) Win the World Series*
3) Break off a piece of Mrs. Clemens's ass.
* of poker |
| a. Speedy
Willie-He's world class b. Box of chocolates
c. Sinead O'Connor in the height of her popularity.
She came out sang two songs and then said she was sick and left
the stage. The crowd started booing. She ran back out and started
throwing punches at people in the front row. Two security guards
grabbed her around the stomach, and carried her off-stage, while she
was still kicking and screaming. |
| a. The white guy
in the secondary, whats his white non-rythmn dancing name again? (Gary
Fencik? -Ed.) b. mailman? huh, that must be a NYC thing.
c. Getting dry humped by a 300 pound hairy guy with no shirt on
at Lollapooloza circa 1997? when Metallica was playing. (Best or
worst? -Ed.) |
| a. Ex-Girlfriend's
Older Sister b. Nilly Nill Nil.
c. Assbang Mrs. Clemens |
| a. Lily Tomlin (Why
is that dark or low? She's hot. -Ed.) b. I only tip waiters,
barkeeps and strippers
c. In college my roommate and I set out one night to see Public
Enemy open up for Anthrax in a city 200 miles east. (Remember the
heady days of the crossover 90s? Anthrax had covered and the P.E.
anthem 'Bring the Noise' and the two went on to record a version of
the song together, then embarked on a joint tour.) After smoking a
few doobies and picking up a six pack of Milwaukee's Best we hit the
highway for the 3+ hour drive. We were having a fine time, laughing,
chain smoking Marlboro Lights and cranking the tunes (Wasn't college
grand? My roommie even had a giant subwoofer in his old Buick). We
listened to the entire Replacements album 'Pleased To Meet Me' (it's
funny the things you remember) and about half of some other tape
before we realized we were heading... not east, but west. By this
time it was already around 8 o'clock. We did a u-turn and drove
about 90 miles an hour all the way to the show. We got there about
midnight and missed both group's sets. We walked in the door just in
time to hear the final few riffs of the joint encore, 'Bring the
Noise,' with Scott Ian's 'Thank yous, goodnight' and Flava Flav's 'Yeeeeah,
boyeeeee.' Then we had to drive 200 miles home, out of beer and
weed. Don't do drugs, kids. |
| a. Any of the guys
who didn't go to the original shoot b. it's the one time of
year I don't shake HIM down
c. Mike could field a bunt by Clemens and then nail him in the
back of his fat Texas head as he runs to first.
-OR-
He could sneakily zip him with return throws to the pitcher (the
same infraction that caused Juan Marichal to brain Johnny Roseboro). |
| a. the fridge b.
one box of candy
c.
1. Contact religious organizations and give them all Roger's home
phone and address.
2. Find someone to put a ping pong ball in Roger's gas tank.
Roger starts driving, the fuel line sucks the ball down and it
clogs. The car stalls. The ball floats back to the top. He starts it
up and begins driving again, etc...
3. Make a series of Photoshop pictures of Piazza and Roger's
wife, as if they were taken by a private investigator and send it to
the house.
(ok, #3 was a little lame, but i really blew my load on the first
two) |
| a. Corn beef and
Hash b. If negative currency existed I'd give them $- 20.00
c. Ice Cube on his first tour (the AmeriKKKa's most wanted tour).
I was the only white person and I realized then how artificial my
"hip hop" look was. I felt self conscious through most of the show
and couldn't even put my hands in the air and wave em like i just
didn't care. But nowadays it's okay as all lines are blurred between
groups and it's more about $ then being hard like cube used to be
before he also sold out to the Anaconda. |
2/2/04 (#5):
a. Favorite Mormon:
b. Toughest animal you could beat in a fight and the fighting style you
would employ to do it:
c. Something you did or still do that your parents don't
know about:
Thanks to all who responded.
| a. Elizabeth Smart
b. Black Bear. (I would poke him right in the eyes, one after the
other.)
c. When I was in about the fifth grade, I was pretty much a
goody-goody kinda kid. My neighbor Liza, however, was not. She was
two years older than me, wore black "muscle shirts" (most of them
homemade), and was really into ACDC. She was also dating Joe, a
highschool drop out. One day, we went to ride our bikes at the
church parking lot. Liza and Joe brought along some weed. I had
never seen the stuff, and wanted nothing to do with it. (Remember, I
was about 11!) However, to insure I wouldn't tell Liza's parents
about the illicit drug use, they forced me to take a hit, OR they
threatened to tell my parents I did, anyway. So, I was introduced to
pot, even though I didn't know how to inhale. For weeks after, Liza
would haunt me in the cafeteria. She would publicly threaten to tell
my parents, teachers, friends, etc. that I did drugs. One day, I
couldn't take it anymore. So, I was in the shower and on the foggy
window finger-wrote, "LSD". Which meant, to me, Liza Sucks Dick.
Later that day, when mom was taking a shower the "LSD" came back.
She FREAKED. She thought I was promoting the drug. I told her I
wasn't. I didn't tell her my implied meaning of "LSD". I figured I
knew I wasn't on LSD, so I wouldn't get in trouble for that, BUT I
would be punished for promoting Liza's sucking of the dick. In the
end, I broke down about my pot use. I wasn't allowed to play with
Liza and her high school drop out boyfriend anymore. I was never
questioned about LSD use, again, and NEVER told mom what I meant in
the shower that day. |
| a. joseph smith
b. silver back gorilla- i would just rush him and jamb my fingers in
his nose and eyes...if need be, i might kick him in the nuts too (it
would hurt, right?)
c. when i was about 8 years old i was sitting on the front porch
and the neighbor we didn't like drove by. as soon as we made eye
contact, i decided i should mouth the F-word.
he stopped his "conversion van", backed up and proceeded to yell
at me (or pick a fight...if it came to that, he had me). before too
long, my father came out to see what the problem was.
"your son just said the f-word to me"
"no dad, i didnt, i just did this: (scraping my front teeth
across my lip)"
"well he said the f-word to me.." (trying to pick a fight with my
dad)
(dad- interrupting) "Are you the guy with the dogs?"
"yeah"
"well, dont worry, ill take care of it"
And my father never said a word about it after that.
he still doesnt know that the guy was right.
i guess im lucky that the guy wasnt a pedophile, because it
probably would have been a turn on and that story might have a
totally different ending... |
| a. Jimmy Osmond
b. largish, agitated budgerigar; Royce Gracie grapple
c. fucked the bejeezus out of time itself and wound up engaged
and betrothed to a Jewish girl |
| a. Either Jim
McMahon or the girl who sits next to me at my field placement. I
can't quite get up the guts to interrogate her about the whole
thing. Or the two guys who showed up at my dorm in college to try to
convert my friend while another housemate ran upstairs and started
blasting "Missionary Man" by the Eurythmics. b. I used to win
wrestling matches with my dog all the time and she sent one of her
dog walkers to the E.R.
c. I never told my parents that when I was a kid I had this
fantasy that if they died I would write a letter to Reggie Jackson
asking him to adopt me. |
| a. George
Bush b. Clydesdale, I'd box his ass.
c. pissed in the kitchen sink one night. |
| a. karl malone
b. kangaroo-i would just try the"choke the shit out of it" method
c. choke the shit out of "it" |
| 1/30/04:(#4)
a. Name, fake name, or porno name (name of your first pet followed by the
street you grew up on):
b. Favorite Late-night Drunken Meal:
c. Your best summer and 3 reasons why:
Perhaps the questions were a bit lame this time, but I still got more
great answers from everybody (including multiple references to a certain
summer song). There are so many that I am going to post them on their
own page.
| a. Birdie Perry
b. whole chicken with extra-tasty bones
c. 1997
bang, bang, bang! |
| a. Liz Phair b.
Pizza With Extra Sausage
c. My favorite summer. Man, every day I just you know get out
there and try to live my life. There are ups and downs. There was
this one summer a long time ago when I was at camp with Julia
Roberts. We didn't really talk but then I wasn't really that social
back in the day. We were on the same rowing mini-day though and we
rowed a boat together. I think she gave me the sex look.
Then there was the summer when I got my first guitar. That was a
blessing even though at the time I was miserable. Something drew me
toward it and kept me off the streets and (for the most part) away
from drugs. In retrospect that was one of my finest summers, even
though at the time I wasn't smart enough to realize it.
But the best summer? It has to be the Summer of 2003. Because I
finally made a big-selling record. And I finally hooked up with some
real competent producers. I have to say - it was priceless to read
all the over-intellectualized hipster dorks whining that I sold out
and made a "glam" record. It was like they just couldn't handle the
fact that I was making solid pop music instead of the half-baked
product Matador stuck me with.
Hey - my hit song is going to be featured on the final episode of
"Friends." Wow. I'll have to call my agent to see how big that
check's gonna be. Yeah - 2003 was definitely the summer I finally
learned that being beautiful and talented is a blessing and not a
curse.
-- off to buy a Porsche
:) LP |
| a. Bri b.
Canadian bacon
c. Summer of '69:
1. I got my first real six string
2. Spent my evenings down at the drive-in
3. I think I got laid on my girl's mama's porch, but the
metaphors are kind of clunky and vague. Anyway, I knew that it was
now or never, for whatever that's worth. |
| a. Banjo Pioneer
b. Pizza Pit Pizza
c. The summer between my sophomore and junior years in college. I
was involved with my first serious girlfriend. Played in a summer
basketball league at a local junior college at the height of my
meager basketball powers. Moved into my first off campus apartment
on Mifflin St. with Collins, Cniff, Kyle and Rob (Who grew up in
the same appt building with as the guy from CSI, but never brought
it up) |
| a. Pappa
Cherry b. andy capp's hot fries sandwich-just the fries and
soft white bread
c. In general all summers before I turned 12:
1. no concept of time(until school started again)
2.only thing that mattered was having fun, like an animal: all
instinct and thoughtlessness
3.simplicity in everything
or the summer of '69, when I did all the things Bryan Adams sings
about and got laid too. |
| a. Hermie b.
pussy
c. Summer of '42:
1. Banged an older broad whose cuckold hubby was off fighting the
Krauts. 2. Lost my boyhood innocence, blah blah. 3. Learned a
valuable lesson, something about "For everything we take with us,
there is something we leave behind." Whatever. That dame was hotter
than the three Andrews sisters put together. |
| a. sir mix-alot
b. do-ri-tos and chicken o' the sea
c. summer that i was an AI (assistant instructor, not a
ball-player) at IUGFS (Indiana Univesity Geologic Field Station)
geology field camp in montana:
1.montana is absolutely gorgeous, and i was being paid (albeit
modestly) to walk around all day and study the geology in this
spectacular setting
2.Beer slide at the Two Bit or Mint Saloon (can't remember which,
but there were only two bars in Whitehall, MT) And by beer slide in
mean a beer slip-n-slide, where they would lubricate the floor with
beer and you would take a running start and slide head- or
butt-first out onto the sidewalk/street. the local police force was
on-hand outside the bar to make sure you did not get run over if you
slid too far and ended up in the street
3. letting a clever ruse of pretending it was my birthday at the
bar in the lodge at Glacier NP, go too far. most of the evening is a
blur (a euphemism for i can't remember a GD thing) but, apparently i
determined that i was paul simon's son ** before turning in for the
night.
** for the record, to the best of my knowledge, i am not related
to paul simon nor have i met him, though my dad claims to have gone
to high school or college (i can't remember which) with him and art.
|
| a. Saskipoof Ninth
b. gravy fries from Nectar's (http://www.liveatnectars.com/static/liveatnectars/menu.php)
c. I'm probably getting a few year's and events mixed up, but it
was 1983, when a few of us used to congregate daily at one SRC's
house. Besides having no financial or academic worries or any
worries really other than becoming that day's target of undersexed
(to put it mildly) barely-adolescent male angst, manifested as
sarcastic ridicule by the other members of the crew, it was a great
summer for at least three reasons: 1. Witnessing Dave Righetti's
July 4th no-hitter. 2. My Strat-o-Matic platoon of Ernie "The Shit"
Whitt and Buck "The Fuck" Martinez. 3. My comfort that Billy Joel's
lyrics were revealing all the secrets about life that I would need.
|
| a. misty lake b.
whopper, onion rings, dr. pepper
c. '90(give or take a year):
1) i actually thought i was gonna get to chill in madtown for the
summer, for the first time, lightin' shorties w/ the boys (tho only
pullin' in 6 fitty and hour) plus...
2) i actually pulled it off for 2 weeks - only missing work 2
times - when...
3) my pops got me a sweet job back home pulling in 14 bills an
hour
OK...woulda a been much better had i been able to hang at the
terrace all summer...but the increased cash flow allowed me to buy
dem crazy bumble bee darts, buy all that bitchin' falbo bros. za....and
basically fuck off 3x more the next school year...so i figure it
then averaged out to the best summer + non-summer year in memory.
since then summers have basically sucked camel cock, except 97 (give
or take a year) when 3 of the 4 verbungle warriors won the STB minus
SRC - an episode only more astounding giving the previous nights
performance by DRD. |
| a. Petten Thiwang
b. my woman's toes
c. The summer of 1975 when I learned to ride a bike. |
|
1/27/04: (#3)
Questions:
1. Your porno name (name of your first pet followed by the street you grew
up on):
2. Sexiest move in your arsenal of seduction (44 letters or less):
3. Time in your life when you felt most insulted, what
you said or did in response, and what you wish you'd said or done:
I thought today's questions might be a little tough, and maybe a
little lame. I expected that maybe I'd have to change 'em, but I was blown
away by the results again. Today's turned out to be stunningly
poignant, if you can believe that. We'll start with the humorous ones
and work our way towards the pathos.
Entry #1:
1. Jerry 72nd Street
2: sitting on the couch and watching TV
3. -Being called Charlie Brown in a college bar.
Did: Nothing.
Shouldasaid: "Up yours, Linus."
Entry #2:
1. Butta Bun Billy
2: Midgets 'n Margarine, Part IV
3. There was this one time when this dood like totally dissed me and I
cold dissed him back but in retrospeck I should have just cold iced him
with a steely stare and just sipped my drink yo
Entry #3:
1. Chili Washington (awww yeah)
2: bourbon
3. I was 16, eating lunch with my girlfriend and her 10-year-old
brother. The kid was staring at me -- admiringly, I assumed. No doubt the
little scamp looked up to her sister's cool boyfriend, with my rockin
mullet and a brand new Prince concert shirt. After examining me for a
while he suddenly blurted, "You know, you'd be be a pretty good looking
guy if you didn't have such a big chin." I don't think that's the most
insulted I've ever been but at the time it really stung. The little prick.
OK, now here are two which'll actually move you.
Entry # 4:
1. skate school
2: i cook
3. being the 'fat kid' i was always very self conscious about going
shirtless. i wore a shirt in the pool, a shirt at the beach and NEVER
played on the 'skins' team.
so one summer, the family makes their annual trip to Wildwood. I'm
almost 12 years old and i'm slowly starting to feel a little more
confident about my appearance. that year when we bought 'summer clothes' i
decided i'd give tank tops a try (as long as my nipples didnt show, i
figured i could 'hide it') i picked myself up a hot pink wife beater (it
was 1986) that matched a sweet pair of black jams.
anyway, we go out the Barnacle Bills one night (the best
arcade/miniature golf course complex in the world) and i decided that
since there's no chance of seeing anyone I know, i'll don the new
outfit--just to see how it goes over.
about halfway through the evening (a little after 7) I'm parked in
front of a Commando machine and I'm kicking ass. (Actually, I'm just
hiding behind those 2 palm trees that let you shoot everyone without
getting hit). I notice two little ladies standing behind me, just as I
look over my shoulder to check them out I hear.
"He needs a bra."
What can you say or do?
Entry # 5:
1. Juan Camacho
2: Edward Penishands
3. Once in highschool when I was driving home, I got caught behind a
school bus from my school. White Kids in the back seat started flicking me
off and one was making monkey expressions at me- the one where you curl
your arms, one up and one down, while one hand scratches your head and one
your belly- with the rounded mouth. This was pretty infuriating so I kept
pointing at the main culprit and nodding my head, trying to communicate
that I was going to beat his ass. I followed the bus for about ten minutes
til this kid finally got off, he was probably a freshmen or sophomore. I
parked and as soon as the bus took off, got out of my car and chased the
kid down. i pinned him down and put him in a cradle (the wrestling move
you learn in gym wrestling) I was smart enough not to throw any punches
because I didn't want any evidence that could be used against me, if it
ever came to that. Anyway, I had his head pulled against his knees so hard
that he started crying and I kept saying something along the lines of "
That's right , let it all out , you're sorry you're a little racist fuck"
After he started claiming he couldn't breathe, I let up. Got in my car and
went to Burger king. In retrospect, I wish I had just kept on driving to
Burger King and not potentially helping to create another david duke. Can
ignorant kids/people really be taught the meaning of human equality? In my
opinion , no. Only in American History X and made for TV movies do people
change. You can't beat racism out of a racist. There must be a gene for
racists, it's in the blood. Now there's a good hypothesis worthy of a
million dollar genetic research project.
Archives:
1/25/04:(#2)
Questions:
1.fastest speed you've ever driven a car:
2.crowning achievement of your athletic career (however
humble it may have been):
Yesterday's Most Excellent Responses (no order):
Entry #1: from Slick
1. 105mph
2. Baseball camp, walk-off homerun at age 11, bottom of 10th inning.
Entry #2: from Valerie S.
1. Speed 90 mph, Singing Voice = 90 db
2. Co-captaining and playing third base for the 1997(?) (I think that's
the year. I've been there too long.) Food Network Foodfighters. We won the
division that year and received a 3 foot tall trophy. I "got" to keep the
trophy at my desk. It pretty much became part of the scenery until one day
about 3 years later, when (a fat) Al Roker was at the studio and gave me
props for such an achievement.
Entry #3: from Chris S. (Valerie's husband)
1. 130 mph
2. As a varsity shot putter my junior year of high school, my coach
sent his top three guys (me being number two) to the county championships.
Back then, a throw of 45 feet would have gotten you in the top 5. I had
never thrown that far, but I went nonetheless.
When it got to be my turn, the farthest throw was 51', but the next
farthest was in the low 40s. Well I get up there, with all my might, and
whip the thing 46 feet 3 inches! So I'm in second place, then some more
guys went and I got bumped down to fifth place, but I still got a medal
and earned a point for our track team.
Over the summer I started smoking, and that was pretty much it for sports
after that.
Entry #4: from Slick Again
1. Diesel Powered: 85 MPH
2. Winning "All Ivy League" Award at Third Base senior year in high
school. Please note that I am fully aware of how obnoxious and pretentious
it is for a high school to be part of the "Ivy League." Whatever. I won
that shit.
That was before I got fat and slow and old.
Entry #5: from Dipak
1. 112 mph
2a. Winning 3rd place in Current Events in a 8th grade scholastic event
for Union County, NJ after being in the US for less than 8 months.
2b. Getting 4 of a kind in Texas Hold'em at a table in AC and hearing
'wows' from the other players.
2c. Getting a birdie on hole # 11 on the TPC- Tampa.
Entry #6: from Benge
1. "Buried the needle" on a speedometer that went up to 120, so I'll
never know-probably about 250.
2. Shattering a neon sign for a restaurant while playing stickball in
the P.S. 41 yard. (Pretty much the equivalent of breaking the backboard,
Darryl Dawkins style.) Did it twice. Editor's Note: I saw this, it was
two massive home runs, possibly the same day.
Entry # 7: from irvingbird
1. 54mph
2.Lost drunken sprint to middle-aged man after boasting endlessly of my
blinding speed.
1/24/04: (#1)
Questions:
1.favorite player on the team that's playing the patriots:
2.favorite pro wrestler and why:
Entry #1: from Yurasmel Zlykshitt
1.Rocket Ismael
2. Leapin' Lanny Poffo - Macho
man Randy savage's brother - never escaped his shadow or equaled his
fame.He started out as "leapin' lanny" and then towards the end went by
"the genius". This fruitcake would actually recite a limerick before every
match he was in. By taking the road less travelled, his wrestling persona
was clearly an attempt to out do Macho Man's by directly contradicting it
. He kept his skin pasty white, sported a well groomed stetson moustache
along with his fluffy, curly hair, and at times , wore pastel speedo
trunks. Unfortunately the tan, tough , stubbly macho Man is what the
people wanted and poor leapin' lanny slowly faded into obscurity. This guy
is the embodiment of the word loser, and the sad thing is he knows it. He
also has Macho Man as a constant reminder ( however sad that is in itself)
I have empathy for him and can relate to him on a very human level. He is
just like me and many others, he smelled success but never got to taste it
. That is why Leapin' Lanny Poffo is my wrestling hero.
Entry #2: from ungle@verbungle.gungle
1. stephen davis & julius peppers
2. there are some wrestlers who just wrestle. and when they're done
wrestling they just move on with their lives. they become plumbers,
teachers, merchants, and technicians. but there are other wrestlers for
whom wrestling is more than a fleeting urge. these are the men who make it
a profession. these are the pro wrestlers. and i salute them all. you or i
might wrestle somebody for the heck of it - a friend, a brother, a drunken
patron in a bar - but even on the giving end of a satisfying full nelson,
are people like you and me really engaging in more than a fleeting
indulgence? a dalliance to be embarrassed about some subsequent day? no.
the pros need to wrestle. every day. that's why they're pros.
it's like the air in their lungs and the sky above.
Entry #3: from Achetin Mipantz
1. Dwayne Brady
2. The Killer Bees- they actually wore yellow
and black striped speedo trunks and their finishing move was using their
ass to "sting" their opponent off the top rope. Doesn't get much more homo
erotic.
|
