Since I am on vacation right now (12/30/03), I  reserve the right to change any and all of these resolutions through January 10th, which incidentally will be the day I begin working on achieving these.  Nothing like a preemptive excuse.  The grand total of resolutions shall equal 10.  Failing to achieve at least 7 of the 10 means I am a scrub.  As I look at these, I feel a deep sense of self-pity; these are the resolutions I should have made years ago, a child's resolutions.  But you gotta start somewhere, and hopefully by making mine semi-public I will be inclined to stick to them. Is there anything more trite and pathetic than New Year's resolutions? Okay, I am updating my progress today, 5/7/04. And now I am giving the final tally, 12/29/04.

Things I hope to do this year, but probably won't:

1. Lose twenty pounds.  I mean it.  I have been watching myself slowly balloon for 15 years -- at 2 pounds a year that's 30 lbs.  And there are some years that I definitely put on well over 2 pounds. Still, I started off as a scrawny puke, so I would be happy to lose twenty.  I don't need to be sculpted like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but I don't want to look like Meat Loaf looked in Fight Club, either. To allow you to follow my progress without divulging my actual weight, let's just say I will start the year at a weight of 200 'units.'  I will keep you posted. I have lost about 5 pounds, for real.  Not good but it's something. Ouch. All back on plus another four or five to boot.  This situation is now critical.

2.  Get handsomer.  Sorry that these first few are so superficial, but damn, I have become an ugly motherfucker over the last five years or so.  I don't think I'm overly vain, in fact I wish I had been paying more attention to my appearance as it deteriorated from slightly out of shape but not noticeably so post-college douchebag  into my current fat puffy Irish barfly look.  To become handsomer, the key will be losing the goiter-like growth that I have come to know as my chin, which hopefully will be a by-product of resolution #1.  Once you get to a certain state of disrepair, it's very difficult to go back -- I don't think DeNiro was ever quite as handsome after the infamous plumping up he did for Raging Bull. I remain kind of ugly, but maybe 5lbs. handsomer. Yuck.  Never uglier, and people several people have told me so (you know who you are).

3. Exercise a minimum of three times a week.  This should be easy, right?  I am getting in at least 2 sessions of some kind of exercise a week, but nothing too effective. This is still about right.  Needs to increase.

4. Play basketball at least once every two weeks, hopefully once a week. Even though the NBA has lost its luster, there's no reason for me to give up on the sport that I've been addicted to since 1984.  I gotta start playing again, even if I have to be the organizer of a weekly pickup game. I am playing at least once a week, and often twice.  I am really pleased with this one. Still pleased as hell.

5. Be a kinder, more thoughtful dude in general. Try to take more of an active interest in other people's boring lives.  I want to be a little bit more considerate, sending out Christmas cards and baby gifts and whatnot.  I have been pretty wrapped up in my own boring life up to this point. I couldn't tell you -- I guess I've tried a little.  Definitely have been trying, but I completely biffed the Xmas card thing.  Work in progress.

6. Be a better, more involved and proactive husband.  You have to put a couple on here that you don't really intend to follow through on, just to put pressure on yourself to succeed on the important ones.  I kid.  I need to take on a more active role in figuring out what to do with our collective life, and I need to be a part of all the tough decisions that we have to start dealing with.  That might mean cooking dinner more often or trying to figure out how the hell we'll ever own a house, or it might just mean cutting back on my whoring to put less of a strain on the family budget.  I kid again!  I actually like this one because it's kinda vague, so if I need it to pad my successful resolution total, I can kinda go, "Yeah, I think I did that." I don't know, maybe a little.  I think I've been a good husband for the most part. Yeah, I think so.

7. Bring my lunch to work at least three times a week. This one sounds as easy as falling asleep on the couch during a Rutgers game, but I haven't been able to crack the code in my ten-plus years in the workforce. If somehow I am able to do this, it will help me achieve almost all of my other goals.  I'm thinking it's the cornerstone resolution, the thing that separates the weak from those who make far more money than the weak. I have brought my lunch to work approximately once since 1/1/4. Still just once.

8. Post at least 250 photos to this website. I like taking pictures, and even if I can't take a good one every day, I can post a good one from some other day when necessary. Oh, yeah. On point. I think we nailed this.

9. Be less self-conscious and more aggressive in general, but specifically in terms of my job/career. Without overstepping the boundaries of meekness that I have set for myself, it would be nice if there was some change in my professional life this year.  I need to be a little less polite, and a little more direct.  I need to stop trying to live in the shadows, avoiding fuckups, and start putting myself out there and being a winner, like Steve Kemp.  This is getting embarrassing. I think maybe I did this once. Needs work.

10. Limit my spending to $175 a week.  Time to start saving up some dough and acting like a grownup.  Luckily, I am already armed with the necessary techmology to slay all would-be challengers to my throne, so I won't need to blow any more dough on that. In the ballpark, if you ignore the Italy trip. Getting there.

If I get to all that shit by say June 18th, then I hope to do some of this shit (secondary resolutions):

1. Reach a definitive conclusion on the Kennedy assassination, one that will eventually become the most widely accepted of all, the story that will eventually go in the textbooks. I think Oswald fired the fired shots, but I think others were involved at some point, perhaps in an organizational capacity.  These "others" may have indeed abandoned Oswald right before/right after the shooting. Stopped caring.

2. Quit hanging around people who can't dunk. They really bring me down. I need to work on this. Still.

3  Get a decent Halloween costume.  For once. TBA. Oops. 0 for 36.

4. Shave at least three times a week.  That seems about right. I think I'm good here -- maybe 2.5 times/week. Yes, I have conquered this one.

5. Pick an NFL team to root for, and stick with this team for life. The Packers are tempting, but they will suck as soon as Favre retires. Nope. Nope, but the Jets, Vikes and Packers are the only teams worth rooting for.

6. Wake up with a mind-wrenching hangover and overpowering sense of embarrassment and guilt at least twice and no more than three times.  I don't miss the "call all your friends to make sure they're still your friends" days.  But it's important to feel the solid wood of the bar beneath your elbows every now and then. I have done this twice and don't plan on doing it again, but it's early. Finished the year with three of these. OK, maybe 4.

7.  Vote for Ross Perot. I can't believe I had a chance to do this several times and never did so.  I am so stupid_.  I don't know why I wrote this.  It's not funny. Still not funny.

8. Grow a full, sexy moustache. This won't happen this year, but it needs to happen eventually.   Maybe if I ever go to prison for an extended amount of time.  TBA. Nope. But not giving up.

9. Stop snacking after work. Since the wife usually comes home about two hours after I do, I need to really cut out on some of the insane eating I do during this period, or at least make it a little healthier. Improved, but still needs work.  Fell apart at the end of the year.

10. Limit myself to two hours of TV/internet per night.  This still seems like a lot, but dammit I like the internet.  However, it's time to read a little more and do some more actual interacting with the wife. Not even close. Whatever.

11. Wear my comfy brown shoes more often. They aren't the most stylish item in the world, but they are so good to my feet that I am a fool for not wearing them to work every day. I have done this, and augmented them with a pair of comfy black shoes.  Still need to wear 'em both more often. Haven't worn the browns in ages, but the blacks are in the rotation.

12. Not die. The only resolution I have ever kept, and I need to keep the streak, and my ass, alive. Knock on wood. Still knocking.

13. Learn something.  Take a class, better myself in some measurable way. Nope. Ugh.

14. Clean out my work email. Before I lose my job for some of those old, crude emails that are sitting in there. Nope. Did most of it.

15. Win something. Enter "no purchase necessary" contests, basketball tournaments, bingo games.  Become a champion. Nope. Still a loser. 

16. Stop drinking soda.  Altogether. I am proud to say I've nailed this one. Um, until recently.

17.  Design, print up and pass out some T-shirts. No way will I follow through on this.  Coming soon, bitches. Yeah, I guess I did this.