capsule reviews

Item #0060: Lavagna
Category: NYC Restaurant
Date: 1/21/06
Reviewer: hans
Score: 27.773

Review: OK, I am probably veeeeery late to the party on this one. Located on 5th street between Avenues A & B, a mere half block from where the vomit-stained Ace Bar once stood and may still stand, Lavagna is easily the best restaurant I've been to in the East Village in the past couple of years. How I never tried it until now is a mystery. The wife and I finally headed there for our second post-baby date.* The service was flawless -- friendly, down-to-earth, and spot on with recommendations. I even wanted to hug the notoriously grouchy maitre d' on the way out. Prices were fairly reasonable. We ordered a bottle of wine, two salads, an appetizer, two entrees and 2 desserts and the whole thing was $109 pre-tip. More importantly, every single item I mentioned tasted spectacular, as did the soft bread and olives that we were served as we waited at the bar for a table to open up (we got another basket of bread and more olives after we sat down). The atmosphere is warm, cozy and unpretentious. I actually felt a little bit like I was in Italy again. For dessert, get the vanilla bean panna cotta. Also, from what I understand they have a $25 prix fixe if you get there before 7pm.

* The first was a movie: Memoirs of a Geisha, I shit you not. It was the only movie playing in the small window of time we had. That movie gets a 6.2 on the VRS.

Item #0059: De La Soul, live at Royce Hall, UCLA 12/2/05
Category: Concert on the hip hop tip
Date: 12/6/05
Reviewer: cW
Score: 25.321

Review: When I was in college, there was a rumor that De La Soul would play our annual springtime jamboree. We got these guys instead, but I was on three hits of yellow windowpane and hardly knew the difference. Well over a decade later, I got to see old faves De La on a university campus -- in a pristine, booze-free, 18-hundred seat hall more suited for poetry readings (which, I guess, in a way, was what we got, though with much more hand-waving and "say ho!"s). There were the dreaded seats, but luckily we were able to bum rush the stage as soon as Maseo took to the turntables. Right out of the gate they made with the classics: 'Buddy,' 'Me Myself and I,' 'Magic Number,' 'Potholes In My Lawn'... mixed in with a pretty good selection of nuggets from their seven mostly excellent albums (the new one is pretty great btw. I think they're consistently the best lyricists in all hiphopdom). It was apparent that these guys have been at it for 18 (holy crap I'm old) years because there was hardly a wasted moment. Lots of "Yo, the party's on this side" (left side of auditorium goes nuts), "No, no, no, the party's mos def on this side" (right side screams their guts out) kind of stuff that came across as totally fun instead of cheesy. These guys clearly love what they do and are admittedly hip hop lifers, which is something not easy to be, so god bless em. It's been said in this space (#13, below) that live hip hop should be avoided, and for the most part I agree. But after seeing them five or so times now, when it comes to De La, I say run, don't walk. Word upwards.

Bonus MP3: one of my favorite DLS songs.

Item #0058: Kleenex tissues with lotion in 'em
Category: snot rag
Date: 12/6/05
Reviewer: cW
Score: 27.638

I've been blowing my nose for like a month now. People keep telling me I should go to the doctor, but I think subconsciously I'm hoping to be the first American to succumb to bird flu. It's the only way I can think of to end up on Wikipedia. Another reason I don't want to be cured of what ails me is that I love blowing my schnot into these lotion-imbued tishoos. They are very soft and don't irritate my delicate schnoz at all. The best part is I didn't even buy them; I swiped them from the office. Highly recommended for all your nose needs. I imagine you could use them to wipe your ass too, but I haven't tried that. Just don't clean your glasses with them.

Item #0057: How I Met Your Mother
Category: Sit-com
Date: 11/15/05
Reviewer: Hans B.
Score: 9.65

Review: It was a slow TV night, I was bushed from work, and I had a half-hour to kill before tuning in to Pete B.'s e-log of the Monday Night Football game. As I flipped through the channels, I only stopped on this show because it was brought to me in beautiful high-definition. And in fact I made it through the whole episode based largely on its high-definitionitude. The premise of the show is this: it's the relatively near future and a dad is telling his kids about his wild single days. His adventures eventually resulted in him finding the woman of his dreams, who he ends up marrying and making the babies with. Whew. So part of the show is these little sequences with the kids asking questions, and as the dad answers the questions we flash back to the year 2005 to see what he's talking about. It's kind of a complicated route to take when all this show really wants to be is a new Friends. And it wants to be that desperately. In fact, maybe the fancy flashback device and the absence of a sixth main character are ways to separate it from the series it is so blatantly ripping off. Whatever the case, all the show succeeds in doing is reminding us just how hard it is to do comedy right. This show features Doogie Howser and the Band Camp chick from American Pie, it has a flashy concept and it's edited in a pretty interesting way, but...it's not very funny at all. As the unapologetic bad boy, Doogie's giving it everything he's got, but the lines just aren't there. And Band Camper is actually quite a bad actress. Still, these two actors shine in comparison to the rest of the zero-charisma cast.

I remember when I used to make fun of Friends. I was dumb. I now admit it: Friends was funny. And as annoying as those characters were, they beat the stuffing out of this bunch of stiffs.

Item #0056: The Gillette M3 Power Nitro
Category: Razor
Date: 10/25/05
Reviewer: Hans B.
Score: 22.25

Review: I got sick of using my electric razor, because it doesn't shave very close and sometimes you have to run it across the same hair 34 times in order to remove it, which leads to burns. So I got this fluorescent green Power Nitro job the other day. It's pretty much a regular razor, except it looks like a rejected prop from "V" and it vibrates thanks to an AAA battery in the handle. So I guess they are marketing it as an electric razor for guys who don't really like electric razors. Guys like me, I suppose. I didn't read the instructions so I don't know if you are supposed to let it vibrate the whole time or only when you come across a particularly stubborn hair. I also don't know if your face is supposed to be dry or wet or if you are supposed to use shaving cream. I chose the following settings:

a) full-on, continuous vibrate mode
b) wet face
c) (presumably compatible) Gillette Foamy shave cream

I got a very nice shave, although the vibration became irritating to my hand after awhile. It felt OK on my face, though -- and I was left with no burns or nicks. I am not excited about having to replace the AAA battery, and I can't help but think there is at least a small risk of electric shock. That kind of makes it more fun, though.

Item #0055: JetBlue
Category: Airline
Date: 9/25/05
Reviewer: Hans B.
Score: 27.293

Review: As much as I was intrigued by JetBlue -- I'd heard about the DirecTV screens in every seat -- I was reluctant to try it. For one thing, their frequent flier program sucks a dead man's grimy ass. For another, their ubiquitous Mormon CEO comes across as a little smug and self-congratulatory on TV. And thirdly, JetBlue customers get way too excited when they extol its virtues; they sorta remind me of the legions of embarrassing Mac devotees in that way. It's just an airline, folks.

Turns out all of that is just me being an asshole. JetBlue is the bomb, all that, the shizznit and the bee's knees. As our six-hour JFK to Long Beach flight began its final descent, I found myself wishing it wouldn't end. That's a first. Here are a few reasons why I felt that way:

1) The TV's. As crappy as the majority of cable programming is, and as much as this viewing experience reminded me of that fact, having your own little cable box is a splendid way to kill time in the air. I watched VH1 Classic and saw the greatest video of all time, "Boogie Nights" by Heatwave. You should tune in to VH1 Classic 24 hours a day from now until you see this clip. It's that priceless. I also saw quite a bit of Wisconsin's stirring upset win over Michigan. My only complaint about the DirecTV was no ABC or CBS or Fox. Mas Bogus.
2) Shit took off on time on both legs of our roundtrip. And we got in an hour ahead of schedule on the way home.
3) Leather seats with excellent leg room. Real nice.
4) New planes. Even if they break sometimes. That link refers to the second emergency landing in two days by JetBlue pilots.
5) Staff was courteous and polite. The flight attendants were young, enthusiastic, and helpful, a far cry from the grizzled, cranky, beaten-down old battleaxes you often find on United and American. The dude who checked us in on the way home went out of his way to get us on an earlier flight, saving us another precious hour. So we got back to our crib at 9:30 Saturday night instead of 11:30.
6) FREE wireless internet access in the terminal. Other airlines see wireless access as one more way to gouge you for a few bucks. JetBlue wisely sees it as one more way to ensure your continued patronage.
7) Reasonable prices if you book in advance. We paid $230 per person, roundtrip.

JETBLUE!!!

Item #0054: Hiring a nanny
Category: child-raising experience
Date: 8/15/05
Reviewer: Dan K.
Score: 3.5

Review: Leave aside the weird class issues of questioning women from deep in Queens, or the Bronx, or Brooklyn -- women from Guyana and Trinidad and the Dominican Republic and Poland -- about how well they could take care of your privileged child. Leave aside the discomfort of forcing yourself to think the worst of everyone even as you try and discover the best. Leave aside the fact that every interview and phone call sticks in your craw as another example of how your parenting Just Isn't Good Enough. Leave aside the crazies and the Jesus freaks and the disciplinarians and the ones with attitude problems and the ones who, when you ask them what a typical day with a baby might be like, respond with a list of DVDs that infants like to watch. Leave aside the late-night crying jags, the constant debates about impossible-to-resolve problems, the fundamental disconnect between loving your child and handing her off to someone else. Leave aside all those things, and you're still left with the sad, sorry fact that most nannies don't look at all like that hottie who Jude Law boned.

Item #0053: quitting your job after 10 years
Category: life-changing course of action
Date: 8/12/05
Reviewer: Valsmal
Score: 30

Review: No matter who you are and what kind of job you did, people will miss you after being there for 10 years because you've become such a staple. But after 10 years of anything, it's time to move on. Seven of the last ten years have been spent imagining what it would be like to tell your boss- 'i'm out of here." (of couse hans was my boss for the first few years, so i never thought of leaving then-- the guy let me wear sunglasses and take naps in vacant offices if i was too hungover, His only rule was no throwing things, in the pod.)

But having made my first joke to my current boss with the punchline "What are you going to do, fire me?!" I can say that nothing rates higher than a nice 'Sayanora"

PS: The Shawshank clause says I'll be back before New Years.

Item #0052: Dublin, Ireland
Category: city
Date: 8/09/05:
Reviewer: Anonymous
Score: 100

Review: yes, it's gotten expensive, and of course most people couldn't afford to buy real estate there. but it's so beautiful: the red brick, the grey stone, the different greys all together, the beautiful rain (unfortunately this was the sunniest july on record), the history present in all sorts of offthebeatentrack places (e.g., go to Dublin 8, near Mother Redcap's pub, and you're at Back Lane, where the Back Lane Parliament was)....it's the most walkable city in the world....and the river is beautiful, and (most of) the bridges over it are beautiful, and the view of the city from the Ha'Penny Bridge on a summer evening is painfully beautiful. nuff said.

Item #0051: clutch, robot hive / exodus
Category: rock album
Date: 7/27/05
Reviewer: Pete B.
Score: I gotta go 30.0, seriously

Review: for guitar rock fans -- perhaps those of you hankering for the old days of soundgarden or fu manchu -- this album is an absolute must-own. it has completely taken over my iPizzle, not to mention my brain.

the rockers from maryland (though they do much of their dirty work in nyc) have long had an uncanny ability to look lyrically far into the future while simultaneously reaching deep into the past. and of course their blistering guitar lines have always been perfectly suited to this ethos.

one overlooked aspect of this band, i think, is its remarkable sense of humor. it the latest effort, 'robot hive/ exodus' the levity is quite evident. i give you for example the first stanza of the first track, 'the incomparable mr. flannery':

first we get some surgery, lose the kids
and our identities
one thing i know for a fact, the mustache stays
right where it's at

many artists i've seen or heard this summer have incorporated references to the dismal state of affairs in washington. clutch seems to have, as well, albeit in the band's typically oblique manner:

while you were busy lighting roman candles on the yellowcake,
they shook you on down

or

some members of the ministry
practiced some fuzzy math

by far the weirdest song on the new record is 'circus maximus,' a dc-gogo scene infused trip into the realm of basilisks ('please don your goggles if you wish to resist'), doppelgaenger, and the manticore.

this latest effort is mixed perfectly, unlike previous efforts (like 'the elephant riders'), which suffered from some less-than-perfect mix-downs. and the guitars remain as creative and astonishing as ever. what's more, the organ has made a major contribution this time around for a fabulous addition of texture. the new organist's name is mick --- last name hexcapes me.

this record is a breakthrough effort for an already-top shelf rock band.

Item #0050: Hershey's Take Five
Category: candy bar 21.489
Date: 7/24/05
Reviewer: cW
Score: 21.489

Review: Pretzels are far and away my favorite snack food; I guess it's in my Deutsche DNA. I also love me some peanuts. And like most sentient beings, I very much enjoy chocolate. But I've never been stoned enough to jam pretzels, peanuts and chocolate into my mouth at the same time -- adding peanut butter and caramel for good measure. The people at Hershey clearly have been that stoned and the new Take Five bar is proof. It may sound like overkill (why not throw in marshmallows and raisins while you're at it, guys?) but I have to say the damn thing's pretty good. In a vending machine near you.

Item #0049: Son Volt, Okemah and the Melody of Riot
Category: Pop Album
Date: 7/13/05
Reviewer: Pete B.
Score: 27.5

Review: The first time I saw Son Volt was in 1996 at a strip mall in Orange County. I don't remember very much about the show except that my buddy Brian Fallman said they were the shit. So you know I played it off legit. Anyway -- it was a very fun show. I got kinda drunk and high and let the guitars wash over my burning soul or something. Anyway, who knew they'd make another record some ten years later? That was a goddamn pleasant surprise, I don't mind telling you. 'Okemah and the Melody of Riot' is nice n brown. Lotsa fat guitar chords and banging drums over the soulful and idiosyncratic strains of Jay Farrar's voice. It's a little more mellow than "Trace," but hey so are we all. Farrar wrote all the songs and then they just went into that goddamn music studio and made a goddamn record. Go buy it. There's even a song about the dickface in the White House. Does everybody know the whole pedigree of Uncle Tupelo > Son Volt > Wilco etc.? No? OK, well it basically goes like this: OK these guys all played in a band together and then they like formed some other bands and then they went on tour and they just kept on rocking until the rock was done. Basically that's how the shit went down.

Item #0048: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Category: Movie on In Demand Cable
Date: 7/6/05
Reviewer: Hans B.
Score: 17.2
Review: I hate to say this, but "The Life Aquatic" mostly sucked. I rank it a distant last in the Wes Anderson oeuvre. Some excellent moments, but overall a bit of a stinkeroo. The worst part was the first ten minutes, so boring I can't believe the studio let them keep it in the movie. The best part was seeing Jeff Goldblum back in action. He rules. The movie doesn't, though. In fact, I bet there was a point during production when the cast and crew had the same kind of mutinous thoughts that Steve Zissou's crew has within the movie. Like, what the hell are we doing? Does this guy have a clue? The movie sort of reminded me of the football skit my friends and I performed at our 5th grade talent show. We were really just out there fucking around to amuse ourselves, until our teacher Mr. Smith put his foot down in rehearsal and said, "Um, other people are going to see this, and they won't be enjoying it nearly as much as you are." We got the point. Wes Anderson needed a Mr. Smith on this movie.

Willem DaFoe's character was pretty awesome, though. And there were plenty of funny lines. It just didn't add up to much. Maybe I need to see it again.

Item #0047: Mojo, Oasis
Category: Aging Magazine, Aging Rock Band
Date: 6/15/05
Reviewer: Hans B.
Score: 26.2, 20.4
Review: First, Mojo. cW first introduced me to it about six or seven years ago, and I was hooked immediately. The British music press, for all their vulnerability to hyperbole and their constant need to anoint the new Kings of Rock, kick the stuffing out of their American counterparts. The magazine is full of fascinating information, good writing, and cool photographs. The real problem with Mojo is that it costs about $9 an issue. cW and I used to alternate buying it, with the buyer reading it and then passing it on to the other guy when he was done. Then cW moved to LA and our agreement fell apart. I subscribed for a couple of years but I seemed to be getting less and less out of it after awhile so I let my subscription lapse. Then the other day Brian Mac gave me a copy of a recent issue, and I find that Mojo still rocks the house. It's got an amazing ability to layer tidbit after tidbit of meaningless information on you in a way that always manages to be compelling. This ish had Oasis on the cover, along with the ridiculous caption, "The Nation's Saving Grace." I've never been a big fan of Oasis's music and in fact I've always found them to be arrogant, semi-literate hosers. But the same way the 1980's Celtics grew on me as time passed and they became less threatening, so Oasis has grown on me. I still think their music is generally average and unoriginal, but somehow their personalities have won me over. Any band that takes themselves as seriously as they do and manages to be so entertaining at the same time can't be all bad. Here is a sample quote: "Call me weird. I don't smoke pot. I don't take mind-bending drugs. I just drunk lager and have a cigarette and talk a load of crap." I like Oasis. I just wish they made better music.

Item #0046: The Al Franken Show
Category: Radio Program
Date: 3/30/05
Reviewer: Pete B.
Score: 27.029452098423048290
Review: Imagine a place where intelligent, indignant, progressive-thinking people take the latest stinking turds laid down by the current right-winger-laden federal government and dispel them for the lies and half-truths and calumnies that they truly are. That's what Franken and his guests do each day in a brilliantly controlled, calm and careful manner. He snorts and giggles a little too much (just a little) but he'll polish up his radio demeanor in good time. And he even -- gasp!! -- gives air time to the other side of each issue. I can recommend the show very highly. And you can hear it live on the Internet here.

Item #0045: Taking Lives
Category: Movie
Date: 3/28/05
Reviewer: Hans
Score: 5.8
Review: It was late on Saturday night and I couldn't sleep. I saw that Taking Lives was coming up next on HBOHD, so I figured I'd give it a chance. It seemed like an opportunity for me to justify having pay channels, but instead it ended up justifying my father's longstanding argument against having them. "Why should I get one of those channels," he'd say, "all they show is movies I saw already and movies I didn't ever want to see." Pretty airtight. Taking Lives definitely falls into the "didn't ever want to see" category. For the first 25 minutes or so, it was watchable, like one of those Ashley Judd-Morgan Freeman movies. Everyone was going through the motions and it was all done professionally enough to keep your interest. Even Ethan Hawke was failing to anger me too much. Then, in the last three quarters of the movie, about twenty predictable and/or implausible things happened that put this film solidly into Gas Face territory. I would describe them in detail for you but I have given this film enough of my life already. Let me just spoil the end of the movie for you by telling you that Angelina Jolie's character, an FBI hotshot, pretends to be pregnant with serial killer Ethan Hawke's twin (!) babies, so she can lure him to the remote part of Pennsylvania where she has secretly started her new life after being fired by the FBI. Sure enough, he finds her -- and then stabs her in her fake pregnant belly, just as she planned! "You saw everything I wanted you to see," she says as she stabs him in the chest and reveals the fake belly. What a well-executed strategy!

Your life is too precious to waste a minute on this turkey.

Item #0044: Gatorade X-Factor Fruit Punch + Berry
Category: Sports Drink
Date: 2/24/05
Reviewer: Joe M.
Score: 23
Review: By far the reddest of the Gatorade products, X-Factor Fruit Punch + Berry is delicious. It's like the original fruit punch flavor, but, well...fruitier. But not in a tropical kind of way. Also, if it's fruit punch plus berry, isn't that still just fruit punch? Shouldn't it be called fruit punch + additional fruit? Are berries fruit? Fuck it, I don't give a shit. This stuff is good. It has a better and more refined finish than many of the other gatorade products, some of which have developed a rather harsh, biting edge. This Gatorade is ready to drink now, but the denser fruit leads me to believe that some age will mellow it and bring out some yet to be discovered complexity. Enjoy!

Item #0043: Steve Kemp
Category: Pro Sports Figures Who Flame Out Quicker Than A Matchstick
Date: 2/1/04
Reviewer: Dave C.
Numerical Score: 15
Review: I found Verbungle by Googling Steve Kemp which I'm sure says plenty about me and my web surfing habits. Mr. Kemp is one of many pro sports figures who made their way through Detroit to give me hope that "my team" would have that one player that would dominate his sport only to have him crush my dreams by breaking his vagina or opting out for free agency as they are about to hit their prime. In Steve's defense, he was hyped from day one as the next Mickey Mantle so he had no possible shot to live up to the expectations of the Detroit sports fan. Still, he must have pissed me off somehow because I'm getting angry just typing his name.

Item #0041: The 1980 Complete Handbook of College Basketball by Zander Hollander
Category: Book
Date: 1/18/04
Reviewer: AJR
Numerical Score: 31.2
Review: Mike Gminski, "the best center in the country," on the cover, story about Seattle U. beating the Globetrotters... photo of Tony Gwynn playing guard for SD State, mention of Pat Ewing, Rindge & Latin junior year prep star, mustache-free Bill Hanzlik starring for Notre Dame, pages devoted to Yeshiva's chances for the coming year... irony- & star-free attention thrust on the collegiate game... $2.50 on eBay, something like $10 to ship... the fuckers.

Item #0040: "Dodgeball"
Category: Movie
Date: 1/17/04
Reviewer: Hans
Numerical Score: 11.02
Review: When I was in 5th grade, a couple of my friends (Richie P. and Mike B.) and I got together and created a skit for the class talent show. It was a spoof of the Superbowl, complete with pompous announcers (Howard Cosmell - ha ha) and football action sequences, choreographed and acted out by the three of us. We thought it was hilarious. When we put on the show for our teacher Mr. Smith during rehearsal, he said something like, "Well, it looks like you're having fun up there. But are you sure it's not just the three of you having fun throwing the ball around? Are you actually trying to entertain the audience?" We were stumped; he was right. We were just enjoying ourselves, having a catch onstage. We assumed the audience would also enjoy it, which of course they wouldn't because they didn't get to play. So we chucked it and did something else.

If only Mr. Smith had been around to take the makers of "Dodgeball" to task in a similar fashion. You can tell they had a blast making it. Because they were playing dodgeball. However, the audience isn't playing dodgeball. The whole thing is a remarkably unprofessional production; it seems like maybe they were making it up as they went along. Remember when Ben Stiller used to be kind of funny? I know, it's been a while, and this movie won't jog your memory. Stiller mugs and flexes and of course he casts his annoying real-life wife as the female lead. Vince Vaughn is obnoxious and unfunny. The jokes in general are stiffer than Peter North on Viagra. The only saving grace are some of the dodgeball scenes. Try as I might, I never get tired of seeing people getting drilled by big rubber balls. That shit is plain ol' funny. Bottom line: this one's not even a renter -- it's a watch-it-if-it's-on-cable-and-you're-home-sick-in-bedder.

Item #0039: Page 219 of 'Chronicles' by Bob Dylan
Category: excerpt from the new autobio by Bobby Z.
Reviewer: cW
Numerical Score: 28
Review: Paragraph two on this page is especially great because Dylan writes: "Danny (Lanois) asked me who I'd been listening to recently, and I told him Ice-T. He was surprised, but he shouldn't have been. A few years earlier, Kurtis Blow, a rapper from Brooklyn who had a hit called "The Breaks," had asked me to be on one of his records and he familiarized me with that stuff, Ice-T, Public Enemy, NWA, Run-DMC. These guys weren't standing around bullshitting. They were beating drums, tearing it up, hurling horses over cliffs."

"Hurling horses over cliffs"? It might be the best paragraph in the book. It's a fine damn paragraph.

Item #0037: NYC Manners / Humanity in 125th St. Fairway Parking Lot
Category: Human Behavior
Reviewer: Deion Sandals
Numerical score: 1.5
Review: I was nearly assaulted for trying to stick up for a fellow shopper in the Parking Lot. A woman w/ her toddler in the back seat was patiently waiting with her blinker on for a car adjacent to mine to come out of its parking spot. Even after seeing that someone was waiting for the spot, the "would be assailant" darted into the spot cutting the woman off. Knowing full well that he was aware of what he had done, as the WBA got out of his car I politely mentioned to him that the someone had been waiting for the spot.

His reply in a nasty and dismissive tone, "This is NY, get a life [sic]."

To which I responded, "That was an asshole thing to do."

His response - walk 30 feet accross the lot to stand 3" from my face, and ask me, "Are you disrespecting me?"

....man do I need to move to Vermont.

FYI - 1.5 as opposed to 1.0, because he did not assault me.

Item #0036: Oracle Night, by Paul Auster
Category: Book
Reviewer: H. Bungle
Numerical score: 22.4
Review: If I were pressed to name the 20 most enjoyable/fulfilling books I've ever read, I think it would break down something like this: 7 were given to me by my father, 8 I swiped from his bookcases over the years, and 5 were discovered through other means. One of my all-time favorite books that I plucked from Pop's collection was Moon Palace by Paul Auster. I had just moved back to NYC when I read it, and it brought the city to life for me in a brand new way. I had never read anything by Auster before, and I found myself surprised by how much I loved the book. His prose was deceptively simple. He employed some silly, almost obvious puns and blatantly symbolic names that sounded like they came out of an Oliver Stone movie. He also relied on the reader's willingness to swallow some ridiculous coincidences and improbable plot turns. But the story itself was so imaginative and beautiful that it sucked me in and kept me reading deep into the night. I loved it so much that I immediately devoured several other Auster books, and I soon discovered that chance, coincidence and powerful twists of fate are to him what gay hobbits were to JRR Tolkien. The lives of his characters always seem to hinge on a mistake or a bit of bad luck that proves insurmountable. Other Auster favorites of mine include The New York Trilogy, Leviathan, and The Music of Chance. I loved the older books, and I liked the newer ones, including Mr. Vertigo, as well. I was a fan, but not to the point that I eagerly waited for each new release. My pop would usually buy me the new ones, and eventually I guess it got to the point where the books were pleasant enough, but not so engrossing that I would finish them at 6am after staying up all night. Sort of the way I keep buying Paul Westerberg albums, searching for the occasional glimpses of the magic that he used to be able to summon at will, I kept reading the Auster books. Until Timbuktu. Timbuktu may be a good book, but I only got through about thirty pages of this novel told through the eyes of a dog. It just wasn't doing it for me. I kind of wrote Auster off after that one. It happens -- I was finally forced to give up on Gerardo after his 8th album. Then about ten days ago my dad gave me Oracle Night for Christmas. I am happy to report that Auster is alive and well and all the old tricks remain intact: the creepy, life-altering encounters between random New Yorkers whose paths never should have crossed in the first place, the suffocating images of locked rooms and mental collapse, the way a life of relative peace can come unraveled with one impulsive decision. I wouldn't say he's at the top of his game here, but I will say I finished this book at around 4:17 am. Well done by him.

Item #0035: California
Category: Chunk o' land
Reviewer: H. Bungle
Numerical score: 24.6
Review: I know California is a big ol' place, probably too big even to review in under 200 words. There's Northern California where the girls are warm, you got that whole Napa thing, and San Francisco is pretty cool. Then there's LA and its environs, which I have mixed feelings about, having humiliated myself there a couple of months ago. Then there's Southern California -- Orange County and San Diego and the Baja and all that shit. I've seen most of that stuff in my day. It's all good. Lately I have been spending some time in the bedroom community of San Clemente, in the heart of Orange County, so I will concentrate on that in this here review. It's a little slow here, and the people don't strike me as very interesting. But who gives a shit? It's between 70 and 80 degrees every day of the year, the ocean is sitting there practically slapping against your balls, and there are parks and trees and foothills and nice breezes to keep your frisbee aloft. If you want to check out some fascinating people, go to LA or SF. Otherwise, sit outside and drink a cold beer, eat some cheese and crackers and wonder why you wasted so much of your life stepping in dog shit and hating your fellow man. Whatever your fancy, California's probably got ya covered.

Item #0034: The bars in the Maritime hotel
Category: Bars
Reviewer: H. Bungle
Numerical score: 7.2
Review: Don't go to the Maritime hotel bars (I think it is technically two or maybe even three bars but they are all sort of joined into one) unless you are a model or think you have a realistic chance of picking one up. This place sucks, man. I bought a round of drinks (2 beers, one lightly-poured Maker's Mark), and it cost me $26 pre-tip. The beer selection was weak (Heineken, Amstel Light and Peroni was all they offered on tap), and the waitstaff was aloof and pretentious. The place was swarming with people who were trying to be hip and beautiful, with only a small fraction succeeding in this endeavor. To get away from the wannabes at the bar, we retreated to the lobby/lounge area, where the service was painfully slow and the air smelled strongly and distinctly like a 747 bathroom. Places like this represent the worst of NYC, and are to be avoided at all costs.

Item #0033: the aol layoffs of last week
Category: Corporate Housecleanings
Reviewer: Anonymous
Numerical score: 23.65
Review: in the days leading up to dec. 7, the conventional wisdom was that 'if you kept your head down and did your job, you were probably safe.' to a significant extent, this was the case. however, several vendettas were clearly executed, resulting in point deductions in this review. a reported 750 were fired in one morning but the number was probably well over 1,000 because if you were a contractor you were probably let go summarily or told your contract wasn't getting renewed. the dedicated 'broadband' people, including the senior executive, were out of jobs. that was positive since at aol, 'broadband' amounts to 'putting videos on the page,' which anyone can do. anyone who lost a job was notified via email the evening before, and also received a phone call. the next morning, most of the conference rooms were labeled 'special purpose,' and employees who entered did not return. there was a moderate amount of tears and cursing. loudoun country sheriff's deputies and a beefed-up phalanx of rent-a-cops from wackenhut kept order. while the layoffs picked off some lower-level employees, higher-level people, at 'director level' and above, took significant hits. it's the first layoff i've seen where the chiefs took it as bad or worse than the indians. in my view, this was very positive. a longtime stalwart, the director of news, for example, got hit - and he hadn't seen it coming. but his forced departure will solidify the news reporting structure, which is a good thing. he's probably regretting that trip to korea - and the other junkets - at this point. not to mention the petty fiefdom he built (now destroyed) and the whispering campaign against the executive in charge of news. the aol marketing department was routed. they had been underperforming. one of their marquee ads backfired badly when netzero spoofed it. this probably caused a few chuckles in the 'real world,' but inside the confines of the nation's largest ISP it was taken extremely seriously. i got the sense that the 750 number was built around 1 layoff for every $1 million Time Warner has set aside to settle AOL's merger-era SEC revenue reporting problems. overall, i think it was a good layoff and i think it will boost time warner's stock price into the low $20s by april. also resulting in point deductions were the typical expressions of false contrition by executives who remained - though such things are largely harmless, they are noxious - and the use of euphemisms like "no longer have a future with AOL," or "were let go."

Item #0032: "I Am the Walrus" by Styx
Category: unbelievably unnecessary cover songs
Reviewer: cW
Numerical score: 2.7
Review: A few years ago, after intensive research and a lot of vodka, Hans, Sita and I conclusively determined that "New York Times" by Cat Stevens is the worst song of all time. Thanks to our efforts, the United Nations has since recognized the song as a crime against humanity and it is now banned in 46 countries. Today I submit Styx's new live version of the Beatles' "I Am the Walrus" as the worst cover song of all time. First of all, is there a more pointless Beatles song to take on than Lennon and McCartney's dadaist acid trip ramblings? If someone did decide to give it a go, you might expect them to try and do it with some winking humor and have some fun with it. Well, Styx are a lot of things but fun ain't one. There's a million reasons why this song is apalling (simply the fact that it's Styx, for example) but its biggest crime is the over-the-top earnestness with which it's sung. When Tommy Shaw (?) belts out "I aaaaam the Waaaalrrruuuussss!" he sounds like Bono or Thom Yorke at their most existentially impassioned. Like what he's singing is IMPORTANT, man. Howard Stern coined the genius term "douche chills" for that cringey feeling you get when you watch someone cluelessly embarrass themselves in public. This monstrosity sends my douche chill meter into the red. Styx is pinning their comeback hopes on it and it's actually been getting airplay, so stay vigilant and prepare to duck and cover if you're near a radio.

(Speaking of cover songs, the Telegraph in England has a nifty, debatable list of allegedly good ones.)

Item #0031: america west airlines
Category: Airline
Reviewer: Pete B.
Numerical score: 7.1
Review: do not fly america west airlines. their planes don't take off on time. some of them don't take off at all. and their tardiness is built right into the system. the flight itself should not be a memorable part of visiting the west coast. the plane was late leaving baltimore but our connector was still on the ground when we got to phoenix. at first that seemed like a boon. but that connector never took off due to a faulty circuit. so they kicked everyone off the plane and there was a mad dash for the last flight out of phoenix. we used some chicanery to insure ourselves a seat - we had a wedding the next morning. it should have been just a long day but it turned into an exhausting one. then they overbooked the flight out of vegas to baltimore and i was not given a seat at check-in. the lady said "don't worry you should get on, you're first in line." her attitude was astonishing, given that i'd reserved a seat weeks ago; the assumption was that it was my fault, which it was not. i said to her, "if i don't get on this flight, i'm raising hell." so they did this thing where they bribe somebody else to take another plane. on the jetway a stewardess told me "we worked hard to get you on this flight." i should thank her? and while in the air the staff never stops harassing you. airlines should be legally prohibited from overbooking flights because it takes the focus off the human being and puts it on profit margins. the planes did not crash. i will give them a few points for that.

Item #0030: The Paris Commune
Category: NYC Brunch Place
Reviewer: H. Bungle
Numerical Score: 8
Review: The Paris Commune is located on a quaint corner in New York's quaint West Village. The patrons are mostly West Village Hipsters, who are essentially the same as East Village Hipsters except they're cleaner and have more money. Somehow this makes them way more annoying than East Village Hipsters.

Anyway, the Paris Commune is supposed to have the best French Toast in the world. They don't. It's average at best. And it was lukewarm when it arrived on our table, about 15-20 minutes after we ordered. The home fries were cold and mushy, like potato chips that had been left out in the rain. The waitstaff was rude and incompetent, and the people sitting next to us were so appalled by the whole scene that they got up and left before their food arrived, leaving ten dollars on the table, which I guess covered their beverages. The food showed up on their table maybe five minutes after they left, and sat there for about ten minutes before someone came and picked it up. The bathrooms were dirty and poorly designed. The music was too loud, and the attitude was uncalled for. The place is a disaster, although they only recently located to this space, so maybe part of it is growing pains.

Verdict: This place sucks ass. And it ain't cheap.

Item #0029: The American People.
Category: Citizenry
Reviewer: N. Sita
Numerical Score - "6" if we're lucky.
Review: Scared, close-minded (on both sides), deeply divided. The America of today is basically a huge mass of people who need to get out more. This "looking inward" we've been doing since the fall of communism has festered into a self-centered, anti-intellectual surety that is a definite recipe for disaster.

While I am no global citizen, I understand that seeing things from multiple viewpoints is the only way to get along with others who disagree with you. It is also a mystery how the bozos on the Religious Right cannot see that they're battling the scourge of reprehensible Muslim orthodoxy with reprehensible Christian orthodoxy.

The teaching of evolution is under attack in schools, unions between loving, tax-paying, highly educated same sex couples are on their way to being verboten and our extremely arrogant foreign policy is alienating our neighbors and former allies.

We've created a Gulag for those who might seek to harm us and taken to federally mandated spying on private communications. In addition, the youth of America, who were supposed to save us from the Simpering Chimp, decided to stay home in droves. It is poetic justice that they're going to inherit a world much worse off after eight years of rule by our holy-rolling fascist CIC.

On the flip side, those of us among the "cultural elite" refuse to try and understand the teeming mass of God fearing, Walmart shopping folks who live between the coasts. We can't seem to get our minds around why they live the way they live and have basically washed our hands of them. Not only is this dangerous, but it is the very definition of ignorance.

If there were somewhere better to live, I'd consider moving, but socialized medicine and confiscatory tax rates are not exactly my cup of tea either.

I'll end with a quote by Robert Heinlein:

"In past history popularly elected governments have been no better and sometimes far worse than overt tyrannies."

Item #0028: Bag of spicy fruit from the Mexican guy on the corner
Category: Street Food
Reviewer: cW
Numerical Score: 21.65
Review: It's a hot day (in L.A. anyway) and you've got a couple choices from the dudes with the carts on the corners: shaved ice with syrup (aka the old fashioned SnoCone) or the bag o' fruit. Go for the fruit. This may sound weird, and it is, but it's weird-good, trust me. The guy cuts the fruit right in front of you. Mangoes, cantaloupe, honeydew, jicama, coconut and even cucumbers (I pass on the cukes and the jicama). Then he drops the chunks into a plastic bag, squirts in some fresh lime juice, a few dashes of chili powder and a pinch of salt. Shake, and there you have it. One fine snack. It's sweet, salty, spicy and a little sour, all at once. Like a fiesta on your tongue. It's not for everyone, but it's definitely for me.

Item #0027: Pixies live at the Greek Theatre, L.A., 9/22/04
Category: Highly anticipated reunion of indie rock demigods.
Reviewer: cW
Numerical Score: 26
Review: It occurred to me that I’ve only ever listened to Pixies songs alone or with a handful of people at a time in cars, dorm rooms, apartments or dive bars… so it was a surreal but blissful experience to witness 6,000+ people ecstatically singing along to Nimrod’s Son, Where Is My Mind, Wave of Mutilation, UMASS and Debaser (personal to EJ and Hans: sadly, no Monkey Gone To Heaven). I’ve been a fan for over 15 years and I still don’t know what to make of most of their twisted, mysterious, genre-fucking songs – but the bottom line is they’re original, timeless and just plain fun and it’s great to hear them delivered up enthusiastically and at top volume. Frank Black is so bloated and bald he could be a Bond villain, but his voice and wit are still intact. Kim Deal, after years as a sloppy drunk Breeder, is cleaned up and, oddly, preppy again. She seemed a little nervous on her leads, especially the kinda cool new tune, Bam Thwok, but overall was rock solid. Joey Santiago churned out his signature sheets of twisted guitar distortion and played a really cool, Jimmy Pagey solo with just a drumstick. I read that drummer David Lovering’s recent magician gig (no, really) wasn’t exactly paying the bills and he had nearly hit bottom – no job, no prospects and his marriage was falling apart. Then one day out of the blue the phone rang in his crummy apartment and it was Frank Black saying, “I’m thinking about getting the old band together.” Imagine what that must have felt like. I watched him play with that in mind. The happy bastid was grinning ear-to-ear from start to finish. Good for him. I say fuck nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake, but I can’t think of a band more deserving of cashing in on their reputation and influence after 12 years of watching others run with their ideas. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say without the Pixies much of 90s rock as we know it –Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Pavement, Jane’s Addiction, Radiohead, Tupac Shakur, et al. – wouldn’t exist. (Just kidding about Tupac.)

Item #0026: The Genesis Mission.
Category: Expensive Science Project.
Reviewer: Chris B
Numerical Score: 5
Review: So NASA launched this rocket with an expensive ($260M) capsule inside. The capsule has these panels made of Zsa-Zsa Gabore’s jewelery collection and is supposed to fly into the “solar wind” and collect “atomic particles blown by the sun”. The thing is supposed to re-enter Earth’s atmosphere above Utah, deploy its parachutes, and be caught in mid air by guys in helicopters. But the chutes fail to open. And the thing whizzes past the helicopters at 200 miles an hour and lands with a “pud” in the desert sand. Then Wile E. Coyote walks up to it and jiggles it to see if it will explode. And the road runner escapes again. Ridiculous.

Item #0025: Baked Ziti with lowfat cheese at my place of work
Date: 8/13/04
Category: Cafeteria Snack you will never taste
Reviewer: VRF
Numerical Score: 26
Review: Ran up to the cafeteria at work yesterday to get some lunch. Went into this one with very low expectations. I rarely have a hot lunch, usually opting for some sort of deli meat or salad. But the ziti looked good, real good. I brought it down to my office and closed the door. Opened the lid and the ziti was piping hot. And it was cheesy, too. Delicious. And it didn't even upset my stomach. I washed it all down with a Cherry Coke. Delicious.

Item #0024: "The Village"
Date: 8/5/04
Category: motion picture
Reviewer: cW
Numerical Score: 0.2
Review: With very little effort someone could edit this movie down to a 22 minute, third-rate Twilight Zone episode. But as it stands now -- huge budget, top shelf cast -- it's at best an embarrassment and at worst a disaster. Just head-shakingly, snooze-inducingly awful. Jam packed with fake suspense, laughable drama, stilted performances (Adrien Brody should give back his Oscar) and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a retarded Amish. Pathetic.

Item #0023: Anchorman: The Ron Burgundy Story
Date: 7/31/04
Category: Film
Reviewer: SRC
Numerical Score: 3.8
Review: I saw "Anchorman" today after a nice afternoon of drinking in the East Village. I thought I was drunk enough to really get into that shit. But man it just sucked. Idiots were laughing, too. Laughing hysterically. I almost turned around and asked them to share whatever it was they were smoking with us. Abby and Ambrose walked out after about an hour. I stuck it out to get my money's "worth." This movie made me call into question the talent of all involved, including, maybe especially, Will Ferrell. It had the feel of a bad high school talent show. Just atrocious. A stinkeroo. Avoid even on cable.

Item #0022: Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale
Date: 7/31/04
Category: Retro Soft Drink
Reviewer: SRC
Numerical Score: 20.035
Review: Once, many years ago, Schweppes made raspberry ginger ale. And it was good. Then for some reason they stopped. And it was bad. Then, years later, they brought it back. And it was pretty good, but not as good as it was the first time. A little too sweet, a little too ginger aley. The question is: did the formula change or did my palate get more refined? I don't know. I still think you should buy a bottle if you liked it the first time around. You could do worse in a soda. I think mixing it with some vodka might be the way to go. Try that.

Item #0021: Thongs
Date: 6/30/04
Category: undahwears
Reviewer: anonymous lady
Numerical Score: 30
Review: Before I started wearing thongs I used to suffer from a common lady problem: my undahwears used to ride up my butt. I tried to stop it, but no matter what I did, they just kept goin up there. It was hard to try and pick em out too cuz you ain't really supposed to do that type of shit in public, especially if you a respectable lady. Then it dawned on me-- what I needed to do was to get undahwears that are supposed to go up my butt. So I got me some thongs. I like them because there is less fabric up my butt now. The mens seem to like them too. As far as I can tell, mens like things up my butt... or maybe they just like to see more butt skin. That don't matter though, cuz I think the thongs fit my ass better. I also like that you can't see my undahwears going up my butt through my clothes. If you are a lady, I think you should get some thongs. If you a man, I guess you could try them too.

Item #0020: Loge Section at Yankee Stadium
Date: 6/30/04
Category: Sports Venue
Reviewer: VRF
Numerical Score: 17
Review: The loge main luxury reserved boxes (or whatever the fuck they're called) are way too corporate. I think lots of corporations and firms bought them back in the day because they are sheltered from the weather (or piss) from the skies or upper deck. Regardless, those fuckers don't stand up and scream when you tell them to. Still, a nice view and easy access to the Big Beerz. Also, conveniently placed TV screens with network coverage. But absolutely no chance of getting a foul ball. Overall, decent, but I prefer field level, or tier box.

Item #0019: V-neck undershirts
Date: 6/10/04
Category: Undergarment
Reviewer: Steve C.
Numerical Score: 12
Review: As a working man, I wear undershirts almost every damn day. And I've almost always gone with the crew neck. But recently the wife decided that crew neck undershirts are dorky, and she convinced me to buy one pack of Hanes V-necks. Presumably, this would make me less dorky, and maybe even more cool. Of course, outside of a scummed-up Bruce Springsteen on the cover of "Darkness on the Edge of Town," I can't recall that many people ever looking cool in a V-neck. I guess the idea is that your undershirt remains hidden beneath your work shirt. Whatever. I think these V-necks are stupid and ugly and unnecessary. Don't waste your time on them.

Item #0018: The new Led Zeppelin DVDs
Date: 6/7/04
Category: Music / Video
Reviewer: Pete B.
Numerical Score: 27.5
Review: I never saw Led Zeppelin live and I studiously avoided the Plant/Page nonsense of the late 1990s. I guess that's why I was so enthralled by these new DVDs when I finally Netflixed them.* They are super-accurate portrayals of what this band was: stunningly talented; brave; and slightly over-earnest. Crystalline sound quality and great views of the band playing its live best; which incidentally is almost a completely separate product from the studio stuff.

* Netflix rates a 25.9, on the Bungelator Review Scale, by the way

Item #0017: The new Harry Potter movie
Date: 6/4/04
Category: Movie
Reviewer: Steve C.
Numerical Score: 16
Review: OK, I may as well be upfront and admit I haven't seen this movie yet. But that's a technicality, and one that I likely will have rectified by tomorrow afternoon (my wife is dying to see it). So here's what happens: Harry is a bit older in this one, and he's getting better with all the hocus pocus stuff. The downside is that the actor who plays him is less cute and now planted right in the middle of that awkward boy/man phase. I eat some popcorn and tune out. I worry about work and think about big mistakes I keep making in life. Intermittently, I notice something happening on the screen. There are several scenes where Harry and his buddies (including the disturbingly increasingly attractive girl magician) fight off a bunch of beasts by waving their wand and saying some stuff. In this movie, at least one person we thought was good turns out to be bad, and vice versa. I think maybe somebody dies. Perhaps even a couple of people. At the end, one do-badder is vanquished, and another goes unpunished. Harry is OK, but things look like they're gonna be tense for his senior year at the Magic School. There seems to be some attraction between Harry and the girl magician, but they don't really do anything about it. Maybe one kiss, or one of those "staring into each other's eyes about to kiss when somebody walks into the room and interrupts 'em, and then they don't get another chance until the next movie" moments. The movie fairly well sucks, but I am happy because I have giant popcorn.

Item #0016: Vomiting
Date: 5/29/04
Category: Biological Experience
Reviewer: Steve C.
Numerical Score: 4.6
Review: I was unlucky enough to receive a collect call from Uncle Ralph the other night, and it reminded me of what I really don't like about vomiting. Which is pretty much everything. I hate the pain it causes in your stomach. I hate the smell. I hate the way it comes out of your nose -- how undignified is that? More than anything, I hate the loss of bodily control. It's scary as hell, like the feeling you get when a huge wave forces you underwater and drags you along the ocean bottom for what seems like an hour. It's like a small taste of death. In the case of the other night, I was actually forcing myself to puke, which is a little better. Drunken, room-spinning vomiting is really bad. Motion sickness vomiting is quite bad as well. Food poisoning-induced shit-vomiting may be the worst of all. The only thing vomiting has to offer is that you inevitably feel a good deal better after you do it. That, and it's sort of wild and cool to see a human body (even your own) short-circuit in such spectacular fashion. On the whole, though, vomiting isn't very good at all.

Item #0015: "Mean Girls"
Date: 5/29/04
Category: Movie
Reviewer: Steve C.
Numerical Score: 17
Review: Teen movie Hall of Fame: for little white boys, it's "Fast Times" and "Dazed and Confused" (or at least it should be). For little honky girls, "Valley Girl" and "Sixteen Candles." And now, maybe, "Mean Girls". SPOILERS COMING IN A MINUTE. The problem is that "Mean Girls" isn't all that good. Here is the plot: home-schooled 16 year-old girl starts high school, gets drawn into clique of evil, popular girls, becomes mean. Realizes how mean she's been, becomes nice, simultaneously making everyone else nice as well. The End. The movie is supposed to make us realize how mean kids are, and how they should really be nice to each other (I guess). Unfortunately, Tina Fey, who wrote it, is a mean girl herself in real life, and most of the jokes in the movie are mean-spirited. For a preachy film with a message of kindness, the writers spend a lot of time getting us to laugh at the things they're telling us not to laugh at. Maybe that's just them being super-clever, intentionally showing us how nasty we are and trying to transform us into better souls. If so, I say: whatever. The movie lacks the underlying sweetness present in the best teen movies. Even though high school can indeed be a backstabbing popularity contest, there are also moments of innocence and decency that this movie forgets all about. Still, it was better than most of its genre: it had some good jokes and it was kinda nice to see Tim Meadows again.

Item #0014: Rolling Stone
Date: 5/13/04
Category: Magazine
Reviewer: Steve C.
Numerical Score: 7
Review: Everybody knows that Rolling Stone magazine died many years ago. You might get an argument as to when. Some would say it was when they started doing stupid lists like the 100 greatest albums of all time, and stacked the lists with 60's dinosaurs. Others might argue that it was when they began proclaiming stuff all the time, putting nonsense on the cover like: "U2: The Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the World." But long before they put Clay Aiken or the Olsen twins on the cover, they had definitely died. They still published a magazine every month, but it was less relevant than Relevant. In fact, many people, myself included, had all but forgotten they were still around. Then the other day I got a free issue in the mail. I was actually a little excited, because even at its lowest point, it's always made for decent bathroom material. But Dear Lord, it has gotten even worse. The layout is the same as ever, but it was just so badly written and badly organized and full of such meaningless information -- wow. I swear to you that I could not finish one article. I can't imagine who's reading it these days. It's not really aimed at young kids, it's not for baby boomers. It's just bad. The shit has to go.

Item #0011: "Carbolite" frozen yogurt
Date: 5/4/04
Category: Yogurt, Frozen
Reviewer: Chris W.
Numerical Score: 20.42
Review: It's been hot here in LA. 100+ degree days. I've got no A/C, in ride nor home. So what to do to cool down? Drink an ice cold Hefeweizen, right? But that's for the evenings - during the day I like something sweet and creamy. A yogurt place just opened (I can't think of the name) and it's all diet, low-carb shit. "Carbolite" brand yogurt - a name like that just gets your mouth watering, doesn't it? Now I got nothing against carbs per se, but the joint's nearby and the stuff is surprisingly tasty so I've become a regular. I gotta say whatever chemicals science has come up with to mimic the deliciousness of sugar/fat/carbs have come along way. You may get cancer, America, but you won't get fat. Actually, you'll probably get fat too. Anyway, there's no mistaking this stuff for Haagen-Dazs, but their peach flavor tastes pretty damn peachy and it's relatively rich and creamy too. Plus you can get fresh fruit on top, like mango and papaya. Nice.

Item #0008: Stinking Lizaveta
Date: 5/3/04
Category: Band
Reviewer: Chris B.
Numerical Score: 20
Review: So I picked up a 6 pack of Miller Lite and headed for the gig. I was working on a Class A headache when I entered the venue and was slightly vexed by the Stinking Lizaveta’s stage set up. They are a 3 piece consisting of upright bass played by Alexi Papadopoulos and Electric Guitar played by brother Yanni Papadopoulos and drums by Cheshire Augusta. When the Set started they launched into a strange and formless collection of noises coaxed from their instruments that seemed to start and stop. My headache surged forward. Then they started pulling out some of the more tasty grooves, they seem to fear or favor no time signature, and there are no pesky vocals to get in the way. By the end of the gig the headache was gone and I was actually dancing. Tight, groovalicious, and attitudinous. And mostly fearless. Check them out if you get the chance.

Item #0007: The last two minutes or so of the new Beastie Boys song (I don't know what it's called).
Date: 4/30/04
Category: new hip hop of the old school variety
Reviewer: Chris W.
Numerical Score: 22.4
Review: I was cruising along Sunset Blvd. in my shitbox today, cursing myself for forgetting my CD booklet at home and flipping through the stations. Not a cloud in the sky, sun a shining, windows rolled down. I drove under a brand new billboard advertising the forthcoming Beastie Boys album and punched the big commercial "urban" station -- not the smooth jamz one but the straight up hiphop one that Jay-Z swears he's down with on the promos. And there were the Beasties in all their goofy glory, kickin it like Jam Master Jay was still alive, callin-and-respondin, sending shout outs, dropping dumb pop culture references. It's your basic to the breakadawn party joint and on first spin it seemed pretty fun. Kinda corny, but that's cool - the Beasties have never been afraid to act stoopid. They've got some freaky new, vaguely Das Efxesque st-stuttering flow that I really liked. I rate it high partly out of the sheer surprise of hearing someone I actually like on the radio, which is rare because these days I listen mostly to CDs or MP3s. Anyway, I imagine the three MCs on the go will be all over the place pretty soon, but you got the lowdown here first: they still have a few more rhymes than Phyllis Diller.

Item #0006: QM2 FASCINATION
Date: 4/26/04
Category: DUM' HUMAN BEHAVIOR
Reviewer: ACG
Numerical Score: 7
Review: Now I am the kind of person who enjoys marveling over an engineering feat as much as the next guy. for example, every time i go by the Verrazano Narrows Bridge i am humbled - it is a beautiful, grand structure. however, all the hoopla surrounding the QM2 was lost on me. i was driving down the West Side Highway midday on Friday, wondering why i was in a traffic jam when i saw the QM2 pushing off its berth. I'll admit it was a big boat, but honestly it did not seem disproportionately grander than the Carnival Cruises piece of crap it had been parked next to. Yet countless people lined the West Side Highway waiting to see it, cameras at the ready -- you'd have thought a 1,000-foot-wide ghost of Elvis was floating down the Hudson. i just did not get it. i wonder if they left feeling as disappointed by the experience as i. if not i think it speaks poorly of our species.

Item #0005: "Virtuosity" by Chops
Date: 4/25/04
Category: Hip-hop album
Reviewer: Anonymous
Numerical Score: 25
Review: Wonderful new record by the former leader of the Mountain Brothers, an Asian hip-hop group out of Philly. Great sample-free production. Probably the best use of strings on any hip-hop record ever.

Item #0004: Charles Shaw Cabernet, a.k.a Two Buck Chuck
Date: 4/22/04
Category: Cheap wine
Reviewer: GBP
Numerical Score: 23
Review: A fine bouquet - rather pouty yet strikingly perky.

Item #0003: The Time Warner DVR aka The Magic Box
Date: 4/22/04
Category: Technology
Reviewer: SRC.
Numerical Score: 26
Review: The DVR is Time Warner's answer to TiVo. If I had to translate this answer into words, they would go something like, "Damn right." I have never had TiVo but this shit is plenty good. It's basically a hard drive that records TV. You can record two shows at the same time (although you cannot watch a 3rd). You can record one and watch another. You can pause live TV and rewind if you miss something or if something cool happens (that is my favorite feature). It automatically records whatever you're watching and starts over when you turn the channel. It costs $6.95 a month and the box itself is free (replacing your cable box). The only drawback, and it is a MAJOR pain, is that there is a highly irritating lag between when you press a button on the remote and when the machine responds. This can get you down sometimes, but don't let it. You've still got the magic.

Item #0002: A Laptop with a wireless high-speed internet connection
Date: 4/22/04
Category: Technology
Reviewer: Chris S.
Numerical Score: 27
Review: I know wireless internet has been around for a while, and I've read all the buzz about 'hot spots' etc, but I've never actually used it. My wife got a laptop recently, so I figured what the hell let's go wireless (plus the router I got lets me keep my old dinosaur computer 'wired').

It's really the greatest thing, we keep the laptop in the kitchen and now we can check the internet without having to go upstairs! We can check email during breakfast, check a website while watching TV, download porn on the toilet.

I really wish we had gotten on this bandwagon sooner and if you haven't I suggest you do yourself a favor and get this too.

(I wrote this whole review from the kitchen counter!!)

Item #0001: Island Burger, 766 9th Avenue, NYC
Date: 4/21/04
Category: Restaurant
Reviewer: SRC
Numerical Score: 12
Review: I guess it's probably pretty stupid for me as a vegetarian to be reviewing a restaurant whose menu basically consists of like 50 different kinds of burgers and chicken sandwiches. But I used to eat there when I ate meat and it was pretty good. So my officemates and I stopped in for lunch the other day and it sucked. It's the kind of place that wants desperately to be cute and cool and trendy. The kind of place that doesn't serve fries and makes a big deal about that fact. If you had a small wiener, would you go talking about it all the time? When we went in the other day I was nearly overcome by the scent of mildew hanging heavily in the air, but my co-worker insisted it was just "burger." Do those things smell the same to you? Our water glass had a piece of something green in it and the waiter sneered when we requested a new glass. Phantom Planet played at volume levels that would shock revelers at a Long Island disco. The food was passable. Overall it was a terrible and pretentious dining experience. Fuck you, Island Burger.